to whom it may concern

I have a request.  Either zits or wrinkles, but not both.  It just isn't fair.  It's not like having a pimples will suddenly get me carded at the liquor store.  I suppose if I had to choose between being mistaken for a haggard teen or a pestilent crone, I'd go for the former, but I'd rather not have to choose.  Given that the wrinkles are already there, lets just get rid of the zits, shall we?  Thanks.

Anyway.  Look what I did today!


I'm a farm girl!  I put in all those posts and hung all that chicken wire.  I just have to make a gate and attach the fence at the bottom.  Then I can realize my chicken dream!  Which, as it turns out, is about as banal as my dreams get.  Anyway.  Mildred comes home and I have a source for 6 bantam hens that need rehoming.  I know nothing else about them, but heaven knows I never turn down a critter needing a home.  Something I really need to work on.  I expect to wake up tomorrow morning, wholly unable to move, croaking "oilcan!" but man it felt good to dig the dirt and accomplish something tangible (that my kids will not [better not] undo within the hour) in the sunshine.

Episode 4

In spite of the TiVo's best efforts, I got to see my ANTM, thanks to YouTube.  But maybe TiVo was right because what a boring episode.  It started with Renee letting us in on a little secret about the other girls in the house, "I feel like they don't like me."  I know, right?  In case you were just as blindsided as I, there's a helpful montage of Renee being horrible.  She decides she's going to change her attitude.  She does this by drawing a picture of Jael in a straight jacket ("but it's not buckled up, see!")  Jael being insane, is touched by the gesture.  Luckily, she didn't then go on to draw Brittany in a diaper or Natasha on a street corner.  Instead, she does this weird grooming thing and braids Brittany's hair.  Very primate.  I half expected her to pluck out a mite or two and pop it in her mouth.

So they head off to their first challenge and on the way they are pulled over by a "policeman."  Poor Natasha looks terrified.  The gig is up.  She's going back to Russia.  But, as it turns out, it's some dude who "vogues."  Just as timely as grunge rock.  He supposedly teaches them how to pose in preparation for their challenge, which is to navigate a laser maze while posing.  Brilliant preparation for modeling.  Or for the cat burglery which will support them with the whole modeling thing doesn't pan out.  The "winner" is to get an outrageously expensive diamond bracelet that would have about 11K in taxes due.  Renee interviews that hocking that baby would go a long way toward paying off her debts.  But, alas, she is the only girl who doesn't make it through in time.  Even though the vogue guy was saying, "Yeah, you want that prize don't you...but you won't get it that way! BUZZ"  Seriously.  Had it been anyone but Renee, it would have seemed really mean.  Instead?  Hilarious.  Whitney wins.  Renee sobs.  You know, honey?  I'm thinking maybe slinking through lasers and putting on makeup and posing in candy are not the most sure fire ways to pay the bills.  Just saying.  You could have flipped a LOT of burgers in this time.

Then, because Jael just had a friend die in the last episode, they do a photo shoot in which they have to pose as crime scene victims.  Niiiice.  Just like when Kahlen had to pose in a grave just after hearing a friend had died (cycle 4).  The shoot is acutally kind of cool and they all look dead, except Renee, who just looks depressed.  They try to make a deal out of Jael not being in the game, but meh.

So they eliminate Felicia, which was kind of a damned if she does, damned if she doesn' thing.  Several times in this episode I thought, "Wow, she looks JUST like Tyra."   So if she wins, it's because Tyra's such an ego maniac that she wants the girl that looks like her.  And if she elimnates her--which she did--it's because she can't stand the competition.  But anyway, she did NOT deserve to go.  Dionne is no where near as pretty.  in fact, I keep forgetting Dionne is there.  She's hot for a dentist, I'll grant.  But a model?  nah.  I had peggle Felicia as a top 3, so...I dunno.  One of the plus-ies, Brittany, and Jaslene.  Maybe Jaslene will take it.  ick.

Another way in which I'm an unfit mother

Yeah, um, Julianna turned 10 on Sunday.  I can hardly get to the keyboard fast enough to rant about Top Model, but I only remembered to mention my eldest's hitting double digits in Andi's blog.  Bad mommy.

So, she did.  She turned all 10 on me with as much fanfare as a slumber party of 5 girls can allow.  Which is rather a lot, actually.  They managed to make as much noise as Ben's 14-kids-with-lightsabers party.  So, so loud.  And with their own loud, was the added bonus of Ben screaming that no one likes him and nothing is fair and this is stupid and so on because he wants to join in.  In previous parties, it hasn't been a problem.  They're just parties in the dining room, all are welcome.  But this was a Girls' Slumber Party and a good deal of it took place in Julianna's room.  Where all are NOT welcome.  Much drama.

Here is the birthday girl blowing out TEN candles on her sleeping bag-shaped birthday cake (yes, it's a lamer version of her 8th cake.  It's what she wanted.  And yes, those are still Chanukah candles.  Who thinks of buying birthday candles when they're out?):


I left the whole party up to her this year.  She had a table filled with craft supplies, which led to the making of tissue paper hats:




Then there was the cake and the opening of gifts (see the snow back there?  that was our surprise 8 inches [no, not THAT kind.  Get your mind out of the gutter], she was afraid it would keep people away):


Then they played Dance Dance Revolution on the PS2.  This was hilarious because as one person was on the mat, the others all did the steps along with it.  And called out the move.  "FRONT FRONT LEFT RIGHT BACK...BACK FRONT RIGHT..."

It's just not dancing unless your tongue hangs out:


Then there were many games of hide-and-seek, which is why I wanted this house. Many cubbies in which to hide.  After that, they retreated to Julianna's room, leaving me with the ensuing terror.  I think they finally zonked out around midnight.  And, looking at that picture, I see that the striped socks in the bathroom are Katie's.  Good to know.

Giving away ice to the Eskimos

As you may recall, Wednesday is Ice Cream Day at the Six Gables Squid Farm and Cafe.  We go out for ice cream, rotating turns for choosing.  And then fighting about whose turn it really is because we went to Way Cool last week and that couldn't possibly have been her choice, so he must have chosen last week which makes it hers this week and why oh why won't I LISTEN?  But today was Lily's day and Lily chooses Rita's every time.  Even in winter, when it's closed.  "I choose Rita's!"  "It's closed."  "WHY?!"  "Because, just like 3 weeks ago, it's winter and Rita's doesn't open until March."  "When is March?"  Repeat every three weeks until March.  But now it IS March, and Rita's is open.  Apparently, on the first day of spring, Rita's gives away Italian Ice.  I don't care b/c I don't go to Rita's for frozen Kool-Aid.  I go for custard.  As do my children (Actually, they like the ice/ice cream combo that Ritas calls a Gelati for some reason).  But guess what today is?  First day of Spring.  Guess how many people were at Rita's?  All of them.  But that's what Lily wanted.  So we stood, shivering in the 40 degree temps, waiting for people to choose their free ice and get the hell out of our way.  Why wasn't there a "people who are going to use money" line?  Because I would pay extra not to have to wait for free ice.

Then, on the way out, I had to dodge teenagers with saggy pants on bikes (the pants are on the teens, not the bikes).  They seemed to have forgotten basic physics--the part about how vans hurt if they run into you.  So I was expressing my frustration with having to avoid them.  Then I made fun of the guy with the Maynerd G. Krebs beard who had his pants belted, literally, across his butt.  Right in the middle.  "You don't like teenagers, do you mommy?"
"Well, I don't like when people make stupid choices."
"I think teenagers turn stupid."
"Well, they do, kinda" and then we had a discussion about how teenagers really do get a little stupid and they can't really help it, but it doesn't make it easy to live with them and that cannot be used as an excuse to be rude and I expect better of all of them.  So we have that out of the way and I suspect the teen years will be a breeze now.

Makeover shows are always my favorites. All the tears and the drama and the weaves. I never knew anything about hairweaves until I watched ANTM. Now, I'm pretty sure I could give one. And then pour a beer on it. As they go, this was a pretty low drama makeover. Very few Big Changes caused very few tears. Natasha got the biggest change, but she finds everything to be a positive. Funny how going from Russian poverty to American wealth can do that to a gal. I expect her to totally snap and kill at least one contestant.

The biggest surprise of the episode was that everyone kinda hates Brittany. Is it because she got that slammin' trophy with a shoe on top? I can see that would bring out the haters. She is the girl in the episode title, the one who "Cries All The Time." And she does seem quick to tear up, but I wasn't nearly as irritated by her as by Renee, who is, in fact, Satan. They gave her a really bad haircut, hoping to make her cry (because heaven knows she cried like a damned fountain last week), but nothing. She looks a lot like Sharon Stone. And about that old, too. She's all sinewy neck muscles and anger. Not really the Cover Girl look. I'd encourage her to go home to her baby, but honestly? He's probably better off.

Brittany does weep a bit at the makeover, but mostly because she's getting a weave and it hurts. White girl heads are not used to being yanked into teeny weeny braids. And the fact that the weave looks faker than Cassandra's sewn-in wig probably doesn't help her mood. But when she's in the stylist's chair, she admits that she doesn't clean her brushes because "dead hair" freaks her out. Ohhhkay. Maybe since the weave hair was never "live" to begin with,she'll be okay.

Jael, bless her heart, was concerned that if she got "normal people" hair, that others would "mistaken my normal hair for a normal attitude." Now I COULD assume that the editors gave her subtitles because she talks like she has a mouthful of marbles, but I'm thinkingit's because it's funny when models are stupid. Which is why this show is HIlarious. In the end, she needn't have worried because they spent 8 hours putting in this weave only to decide to take it back out. THEN they got their tears, oh yes. But even the black girls were saying they couldn't imagine having to get a weave and get it out all in one day. Jael has street cred now.

They turned Felicia from Tyra to April (Cycle 2 ). Apparently Tyra had had quite enough of the comparisons to her. She made a point of mentioning how bad Felicia's hair was, too. I love Tyra.

Natasha's was the big transformation. She went from looking like Aslan to looking like Shannen Doherty. Not everyone can pull that off. As she pointed out, "I think zat dis proves, any look can WORK for me." I swear, she should be a motivational speaker or something. If we could bottle her delusion? Millionaires. Easy.

<gilligantheme>And the rest</gilligantheme> No one else was interesting in the slightest. Jaslene's hair isn't nearly as long. Whitney's is longer. Diana's is blonder, Sarah's is less blond. Dionne's is much shorter and darker. And Cassandra, thankfully, got the wig cut off her head and got a fun, curly afro. It was kind of them to keep her around long enough to fix her hair. They should have let that girl that loaned out her weave come in, too.

So, on with the show. This may be the episode in which Brittany cries a lot, but it's also the episode in which I realize that I don't like Diana very much. And I'd been rooting for her. But she said, "You know what's funny about Brittany? She wants sympathy from others. And I'm like so sick of it already?" Ouch. That hurts like a bad weave, sister. But either Brittany really WAS super annoying or fat people aren't as jolly as I've heard. Because then Whitney told her that people can cry about "her boyfriend just got shot or her roommate just got shot. People don't just cry over every little thing," then she interviews that "I told her how it was, I said end of story, and I slapped her up and I gave her the dueces." Damn. Tough crowd. And Renee giggled into her hand the whole time. Bitches are COLD.

But it segued right in to the sad music and Jael finding out a good friend had OD'd. She was sad but bucked up and rocked challenges. Brittany, however, was feeling oogy and was pretty whiny about it. Which would be annoying, but the most awesome thing happened because of it. Renee leans in, all concerned, and encourages her to just sit this one out. Go back to the limo. Rest. Think about what you're doing. Now anyone who's see this show before knows that if you are sick, you have to work through it (unless you do, and then Tyra might tell you you have to take care of yourself, but if you're going to take a bet, bet on "work through it") Renee was totally trying to get her eliminated. Jael kept coming back with "No, you have to pull yourself together honey" and Renee would go right back with the "you really need to lie down" So awesome. Like those little angel/devil guys that hang out on the shoulders of cartoon characters. But neener neener Renee, Brittany won the challenge (a Seventeen mag spread--no more trophies for you! sorry!). Renee sat and scowled from under her flop of hair. So pretty. And then, when Brittany called her on her backstabbing ways, Renee's defense was basically: I gossip. Deal. So then Brittany says, "I'm still kicking your ass in this competition" and Renee flips her the bird. So, so classy.

So the photo shoot was the inevitable nudie shoot. And yet, Brittany reacted with surprise and dismay. Every season. EVERY season, there is a nude shoot. You will get a new hairstyle and you will pose nude. This year, you will pose nude in your new hairstyle. I found it FAR more distressing that they were going to be covered in food. Ick. And the photos are gross. They are not fierce, they are sticky. But whatever.  Renee's picture totally looks like she threw up, and I'd post it, but CW's site doesn't have the close-ups like they used to and you just can't get the full effect in the long shot.  So go look at it on Youtube.  blech.

Judging, and Tyra is wearing another headscarf with hairpiece.  What on EARTH is going on.  They did this stupid little "we're cutting Tyra's hair with hedgetrimmers" at the makeover, but it led to no big reveal of a super-short 'do...I'm sure if it were cancer, Tyra would have let us know, so that the tears of the nation could heal her...so what?  What does the Tyra wear headgear?  Anyway.  Cassandra is out. Next will be one of the plus sized gals.  Not sure which.  At some point soon, it will be brought to our attention that Jael is not rail thin.  She will go home.  Brittany, Felicia, and Dionne in the final 3 maybe?

enough already

Right.  I said I wanted snow.  Now I've had some.  Now it can stop, please.  Yes, it's lovely to go down to the Donald's and hang out while the kids sled.  But enough already, okay?  I'm done.  I put those boots away in the basement for a reason and that reason was NOT to cause 10 inches of snow.  So just cut it out.  Thank you.

Sometimes I take a break from hating Allie for peeing all over the place and look at other kitties.  Smell free kitties on the computer.  I just found this today, The Infinite Cat Project.  Starts with a picture of a cat.  Then a picture of a cat looking at that picture of a cat on the computer.  Then one of another cat looking at an image of that, and so on.  Especially awesome when viewed in reverse, subtracting cats.

in today's mail

Model recap tomorrow.  I started it and lost it and haven't the stamina to start over.  But today, in the mail, I got a hanger catalog.  Just hangers.  I thought, when I saw it, that surely it was a general Things that Organize Your Closet sort of thing, but no.  Just hangers.  Here is the website.  Yes, that's right, hangers.com.  The kids and I had a good time making fun of the sort of person who would be excited by this catalog.  Who knew there were hanger nerds?  Presumably, some sort of market research went into this company, so presumably there is a market for specialty hangers...I.cannot.imagine.  I admit, I hate the wire hangers that come from the dry cleaner b/c they make such creases on shirt shoulders.  And, perhaps I'm not a good judge b/c I live in a house built in the first years of the 20th Century when closets were just a place for Satan to hide and not to be built into the homes of the God-fearing, but seriously, hangers?  It's not even whimsical and called "What's your hang-up?" or anything.  It's Pottery Barn serious.  high-end photography. MONOGRAMS.  Some of them are labled "Great gift idea!"  Note to my male readers:  hangers are never, ever a great gift idea.  Ever.