America's Next Top Car Salesman

I give up.  I love Natasha.  I can resist no longer the pull of her deluded optimism.  And her ability to be a dude.  I mean, I KNEW that Jaslene would be a convincing guy, b/c she has her own penis and stuff, but Natasha blew me away.  She's sad b/c all the other girls were dissing her about being a mail order bride.  Miss Ivy League Whitney was being especially nasty, but hey, it's working for her.  She's (perhaps pathologically) happy, back off.  And she misses her kitten.  Who doesn't?

Renee, bless her cold black heart, is still causing trouble, pointing out that plus size gals will never be on the cover of Vogue.  But seriously folks, she's right.  And that's okay.  Vogue is not Redbook.  It's Vogue.  It also will not feature ugly people on the cover. I can't really get up in arms about it.  But it did sort of signal that one of the outraged saftig gals was going home.  Diana, specifically, because even though she's pretty, she's not even smart enough to pretend she wants to be there.

ANTM continues it's "We lost all of our funding" theme by having the girls model for The House of Sears.  I really expected the prize for this challenge to be "You get to keep your outfit!" because it would cost them, like $30.  But, for absolutely free, they were able to make the prize extra camera time.  Way to save money!  Oh, and "Aphrodite's Box"?  Totally a strip club.  A skanky skanky strip club.

So, as mentioned, the big challenge was to have the girls made up as men and have them model with guys dressed as gals.  Dionne is a dead ringer for Chris Rock.  Freakily so.  Brittany is supposed to be an outdoor guy.  But they kind of get deer hunter and hippie hiker dude mixed up.  Jael  manages to "allow [her] soul to be captured" as a bohemian.  And still just looks like a gal with a moustache.  Renee is a rock star.  Or so she tells us.  Again, looks like a mean girl, not a guy.  Sarah is even less convincing as a...oh wait, is SHE the rock star?  Then what is Renee?  And then poor, doomed Diana, who is Dave Foley about 15 years ago.  She tells Jay she wants to be ANTM "just cuz".  Not a good sign.  Tyra doesn't really want a gal who isn't willing to kill for the position.  She really, really wanted to make Tiffany work b/c that girl would have cut a bitch that got in her way.

Plus Size Cage Match!  It comes down to Diana and Whitney and we know who comes out the other side.  So, we're down to this:

Jaslene--in the final three.  Won't win b/c she can't talk.  or eat.
Brittany--in the final three.  She's getting no edit at all right now, so I'm not sure what's going o there.
Dionne--final three.  Might take it b/c she has a real job so they don't have to feel bad when the model thing tanks
Jael--fun, but what is she still doing here? The Elite modeling agency woman said she'd not even let her interview.  Ouch.
Natasha--cannot pass the commercial episode
Renee--soon, someone will notice that she photographs Lisa-old and she'll be sent home.
Sarah--just not pretty
Whitney--Cover Girl's Queen Latifah position has been filled already.  By Queen Latifah.

Tags: antm top model

I'll be found out!

In three days, I'm going to NYC and I don't know how to dress.  Here I can be kinda hip.  I'm all boho mom in drapey linen and funky shoes.  I'm informed that people in New York still wear all black.  I have very little black any more.  I've been rocking the Giant Toddler look, all bright, dubiously combined colors and pink mary janes with flowers on them (they're Doc Martens, so I'm still righteous).  They'll....they'll know I'm from Maryland and I have kids!  They'll know, in spite of my zit, that I'm no longer 25.  Dammit.

to whom it may concern

I have a request.  Either zits or wrinkles, but not both.  It just isn't fair.  It's not like having a pimples will suddenly get me carded at the liquor store.  I suppose if I had to choose between being mistaken for a haggard teen or a pestilent crone, I'd go for the former, but I'd rather not have to choose.  Given that the wrinkles are already there, lets just get rid of the zits, shall we?  Thanks.

Anyway.  Look what I did today!


I'm a farm girl!  I put in all those posts and hung all that chicken wire.  I just have to make a gate and attach the fence at the bottom.  Then I can realize my chicken dream!  Which, as it turns out, is about as banal as my dreams get.  Anyway.  Mildred comes home and I have a source for 6 bantam hens that need rehoming.  I know nothing else about them, but heaven knows I never turn down a critter needing a home.  Something I really need to work on.  I expect to wake up tomorrow morning, wholly unable to move, croaking "oilcan!" but man it felt good to dig the dirt and accomplish something tangible (that my kids will not [better not] undo within the hour) in the sunshine.

Episode 4

In spite of the TiVo's best efforts, I got to see my ANTM, thanks to YouTube.  But maybe TiVo was right because what a boring episode.  It started with Renee letting us in on a little secret about the other girls in the house, "I feel like they don't like me."  I know, right?  In case you were just as blindsided as I, there's a helpful montage of Renee being horrible.  She decides she's going to change her attitude.  She does this by drawing a picture of Jael in a straight jacket ("but it's not buckled up, see!")  Jael being insane, is touched by the gesture.  Luckily, she didn't then go on to draw Brittany in a diaper or Natasha on a street corner.  Instead, she does this weird grooming thing and braids Brittany's hair.  Very primate.  I half expected her to pluck out a mite or two and pop it in her mouth.

So they head off to their first challenge and on the way they are pulled over by a "policeman."  Poor Natasha looks terrified.  The gig is up.  She's going back to Russia.  But, as it turns out, it's some dude who "vogues."  Just as timely as grunge rock.  He supposedly teaches them how to pose in preparation for their challenge, which is to navigate a laser maze while posing.  Brilliant preparation for modeling.  Or for the cat burglery which will support them with the whole modeling thing doesn't pan out.  The "winner" is to get an outrageously expensive diamond bracelet that would have about 11K in taxes due.  Renee interviews that hocking that baby would go a long way toward paying off her debts.  But, alas, she is the only girl who doesn't make it through in time.  Even though the vogue guy was saying, "Yeah, you want that prize don't you...but you won't get it that way! BUZZ"  Seriously.  Had it been anyone but Renee, it would have seemed really mean.  Instead?  Hilarious.  Whitney wins.  Renee sobs.  You know, honey?  I'm thinking maybe slinking through lasers and putting on makeup and posing in candy are not the most sure fire ways to pay the bills.  Just saying.  You could have flipped a LOT of burgers in this time.

Then, because Jael just had a friend die in the last episode, they do a photo shoot in which they have to pose as crime scene victims.  Niiiice.  Just like when Kahlen had to pose in a grave just after hearing a friend had died (cycle 4).  The shoot is acutally kind of cool and they all look dead, except Renee, who just looks depressed.  They try to make a deal out of Jael not being in the game, but meh.

So they eliminate Felicia, which was kind of a damned if she does, damned if she doesn' thing.  Several times in this episode I thought, "Wow, she looks JUST like Tyra."   So if she wins, it's because Tyra's such an ego maniac that she wants the girl that looks like her.  And if she elimnates her--which she did--it's because she can't stand the competition.  But anyway, she did NOT deserve to go.  Dionne is no where near as pretty.  in fact, I keep forgetting Dionne is there.  She's hot for a dentist, I'll grant.  But a model?  nah.  I had peggle Felicia as a top 3, so...I dunno.  One of the plus-ies, Brittany, and Jaslene.  Maybe Jaslene will take it.  ick.

Another way in which I'm an unfit mother

Yeah, um, Julianna turned 10 on Sunday.  I can hardly get to the keyboard fast enough to rant about Top Model, but I only remembered to mention my eldest's hitting double digits in Andi's blog.  Bad mommy.

So, she did.  She turned all 10 on me with as much fanfare as a slumber party of 5 girls can allow.  Which is rather a lot, actually.  They managed to make as much noise as Ben's 14-kids-with-lightsabers party.  So, so loud.  And with their own loud, was the added bonus of Ben screaming that no one likes him and nothing is fair and this is stupid and so on because he wants to join in.  In previous parties, it hasn't been a problem.  They're just parties in the dining room, all are welcome.  But this was a Girls' Slumber Party and a good deal of it took place in Julianna's room.  Where all are NOT welcome.  Much drama.

Here is the birthday girl blowing out TEN candles on her sleeping bag-shaped birthday cake (yes, it's a lamer version of her 8th cake.  It's what she wanted.  And yes, those are still Chanukah candles.  Who thinks of buying birthday candles when they're out?):


I left the whole party up to her this year.  She had a table filled with craft supplies, which led to the making of tissue paper hats:




Then there was the cake and the opening of gifts (see the snow back there?  that was our surprise 8 inches [no, not THAT kind.  Get your mind out of the gutter], she was afraid it would keep people away):


Then they played Dance Dance Revolution on the PS2.  This was hilarious because as one person was on the mat, the others all did the steps along with it.  And called out the move.  "FRONT FRONT LEFT RIGHT BACK...BACK FRONT RIGHT..."

It's just not dancing unless your tongue hangs out:


Then there were many games of hide-and-seek, which is why I wanted this house. Many cubbies in which to hide.  After that, they retreated to Julianna's room, leaving me with the ensuing terror.  I think they finally zonked out around midnight.  And, looking at that picture, I see that the striped socks in the bathroom are Katie's.  Good to know.

Giving away ice to the Eskimos

As you may recall, Wednesday is Ice Cream Day at the Six Gables Squid Farm and Cafe.  We go out for ice cream, rotating turns for choosing.  And then fighting about whose turn it really is because we went to Way Cool last week and that couldn't possibly have been her choice, so he must have chosen last week which makes it hers this week and why oh why won't I LISTEN?  But today was Lily's day and Lily chooses Rita's every time.  Even in winter, when it's closed.  "I choose Rita's!"  "It's closed."  "WHY?!"  "Because, just like 3 weeks ago, it's winter and Rita's doesn't open until March."  "When is March?"  Repeat every three weeks until March.  But now it IS March, and Rita's is open.  Apparently, on the first day of spring, Rita's gives away Italian Ice.  I don't care b/c I don't go to Rita's for frozen Kool-Aid.  I go for custard.  As do my children (Actually, they like the ice/ice cream combo that Ritas calls a Gelati for some reason).  But guess what today is?  First day of Spring.  Guess how many people were at Rita's?  All of them.  But that's what Lily wanted.  So we stood, shivering in the 40 degree temps, waiting for people to choose their free ice and get the hell out of our way.  Why wasn't there a "people who are going to use money" line?  Because I would pay extra not to have to wait for free ice.

Then, on the way out, I had to dodge teenagers with saggy pants on bikes (the pants are on the teens, not the bikes).  They seemed to have forgotten basic physics--the part about how vans hurt if they run into you.  So I was expressing my frustration with having to avoid them.  Then I made fun of the guy with the Maynerd G. Krebs beard who had his pants belted, literally, across his butt.  Right in the middle.  "You don't like teenagers, do you mommy?"
"Well, I don't like when people make stupid choices."
"I think teenagers turn stupid."
"Well, they do, kinda" and then we had a discussion about how teenagers really do get a little stupid and they can't really help it, but it doesn't make it easy to live with them and that cannot be used as an excuse to be rude and I expect better of all of them.  So we have that out of the way and I suspect the teen years will be a breeze now.

Makeover shows are always my favorites. All the tears and the drama and the weaves. I never knew anything about hairweaves until I watched ANTM. Now, I'm pretty sure I could give one. And then pour a beer on it. As they go, this was a pretty low drama makeover. Very few Big Changes caused very few tears. Natasha got the biggest change, but she finds everything to be a positive. Funny how going from Russian poverty to American wealth can do that to a gal. I expect her to totally snap and kill at least one contestant.

The biggest surprise of the episode was that everyone kinda hates Brittany. Is it because she got that slammin' trophy with a shoe on top? I can see that would bring out the haters. She is the girl in the episode title, the one who "Cries All The Time." And she does seem quick to tear up, but I wasn't nearly as irritated by her as by Renee, who is, in fact, Satan. They gave her a really bad haircut, hoping to make her cry (because heaven knows she cried like a damned fountain last week), but nothing. She looks a lot like Sharon Stone. And about that old, too. She's all sinewy neck muscles and anger. Not really the Cover Girl look. I'd encourage her to go home to her baby, but honestly? He's probably better off.

Brittany does weep a bit at the makeover, but mostly because she's getting a weave and it hurts. White girl heads are not used to being yanked into teeny weeny braids. And the fact that the weave looks faker than Cassandra's sewn-in wig probably doesn't help her mood. But when she's in the stylist's chair, she admits that she doesn't clean her brushes because "dead hair" freaks her out. Ohhhkay. Maybe since the weave hair was never "live" to begin with,she'll be okay.

Jael, bless her heart, was concerned that if she got "normal people" hair, that others would "mistaken my normal hair for a normal attitude." Now I COULD assume that the editors gave her subtitles because she talks like she has a mouthful of marbles, but I'm thinkingit's because it's funny when models are stupid. Which is why this show is HIlarious. In the end, she needn't have worried because they spent 8 hours putting in this weave only to decide to take it back out. THEN they got their tears, oh yes. But even the black girls were saying they couldn't imagine having to get a weave and get it out all in one day. Jael has street cred now.

They turned Felicia from Tyra to April (Cycle 2 ). Apparently Tyra had had quite enough of the comparisons to her. She made a point of mentioning how bad Felicia's hair was, too. I love Tyra.

Natasha's was the big transformation. She went from looking like Aslan to looking like Shannen Doherty. Not everyone can pull that off. As she pointed out, "I think zat dis proves, any look can WORK for me." I swear, she should be a motivational speaker or something. If we could bottle her delusion? Millionaires. Easy.

<gilligantheme>And the rest</gilligantheme> No one else was interesting in the slightest. Jaslene's hair isn't nearly as long. Whitney's is longer. Diana's is blonder, Sarah's is less blond. Dionne's is much shorter and darker. And Cassandra, thankfully, got the wig cut off her head and got a fun, curly afro. It was kind of them to keep her around long enough to fix her hair. They should have let that girl that loaned out her weave come in, too.

So, on with the show. This may be the episode in which Brittany cries a lot, but it's also the episode in which I realize that I don't like Diana very much. And I'd been rooting for her. But she said, "You know what's funny about Brittany? She wants sympathy from others. And I'm like so sick of it already?" Ouch. That hurts like a bad weave, sister. But either Brittany really WAS super annoying or fat people aren't as jolly as I've heard. Because then Whitney told her that people can cry about "her boyfriend just got shot or her roommate just got shot. People don't just cry over every little thing," then she interviews that "I told her how it was, I said end of story, and I slapped her up and I gave her the dueces." Damn. Tough crowd. And Renee giggled into her hand the whole time. Bitches are COLD.

But it segued right in to the sad music and Jael finding out a good friend had OD'd. She was sad but bucked up and rocked challenges. Brittany, however, was feeling oogy and was pretty whiny about it. Which would be annoying, but the most awesome thing happened because of it. Renee leans in, all concerned, and encourages her to just sit this one out. Go back to the limo. Rest. Think about what you're doing. Now anyone who's see this show before knows that if you are sick, you have to work through it (unless you do, and then Tyra might tell you you have to take care of yourself, but if you're going to take a bet, bet on "work through it") Renee was totally trying to get her eliminated. Jael kept coming back with "No, you have to pull yourself together honey" and Renee would go right back with the "you really need to lie down" So awesome. Like those little angel/devil guys that hang out on the shoulders of cartoon characters. But neener neener Renee, Brittany won the challenge (a Seventeen mag spread--no more trophies for you! sorry!). Renee sat and scowled from under her flop of hair. So pretty. And then, when Brittany called her on her backstabbing ways, Renee's defense was basically: I gossip. Deal. So then Brittany says, "I'm still kicking your ass in this competition" and Renee flips her the bird. So, so classy.

So the photo shoot was the inevitable nudie shoot. And yet, Brittany reacted with surprise and dismay. Every season. EVERY season, there is a nude shoot. You will get a new hairstyle and you will pose nude. This year, you will pose nude in your new hairstyle. I found it FAR more distressing that they were going to be covered in food. Ick. And the photos are gross. They are not fierce, they are sticky. But whatever.  Renee's picture totally looks like she threw up, and I'd post it, but CW's site doesn't have the close-ups like they used to and you just can't get the full effect in the long shot.  So go look at it on Youtube.  blech.

Judging, and Tyra is wearing another headscarf with hairpiece.  What on EARTH is going on.  They did this stupid little "we're cutting Tyra's hair with hedgetrimmers" at the makeover, but it led to no big reveal of a super-short 'do...I'm sure if it were cancer, Tyra would have let us know, so that the tears of the nation could heal her...so what?  What does the Tyra wear headgear?  Anyway.  Cassandra is out. Next will be one of the plus sized gals.  Not sure which.  At some point soon, it will be brought to our attention that Jael is not rail thin.  She will go home.  Brittany, Felicia, and Dionne in the final 3 maybe?

enough already

Right.  I said I wanted snow.  Now I've had some.  Now it can stop, please.  Yes, it's lovely to go down to the Donald's and hang out while the kids sled.  But enough already, okay?  I'm done.  I put those boots away in the basement for a reason and that reason was NOT to cause 10 inches of snow.  So just cut it out.  Thank you.

Sometimes I take a break from hating Allie for peeing all over the place and look at other kitties.  Smell free kitties on the computer.  I just found this today, The Infinite Cat Project.  Starts with a picture of a cat.  Then a picture of a cat looking at that picture of a cat on the computer.  Then one of another cat looking at an image of that, and so on.  Especially awesome when viewed in reverse, subtracting cats.

in today's mail

Model recap tomorrow.  I started it and lost it and haven't the stamina to start over.  But today, in the mail, I got a hanger catalog.  Just hangers.  I thought, when I saw it, that surely it was a general Things that Organize Your Closet sort of thing, but no.  Just hangers.  Here is the website.  Yes, that's right, hangers.com.  The kids and I had a good time making fun of the sort of person who would be excited by this catalog.  Who knew there were hanger nerds?  Presumably, some sort of market research went into this company, so presumably there is a market for specialty hangers...I.cannot.imagine.  I admit, I hate the wire hangers that come from the dry cleaner b/c they make such creases on shirt shoulders.  And, perhaps I'm not a good judge b/c I live in a house built in the first years of the 20th Century when closets were just a place for Satan to hide and not to be built into the homes of the God-fearing, but seriously, hangers?  It's not even whimsical and called "What's your hang-up?" or anything.  It's Pottery Barn serious.  high-end photography. MONOGRAMS.  Some of them are labled "Great gift idea!"  Note to my male readers:  hangers are never, ever a great gift idea.  Ever.

More Learning Day fun!

CRITTER ALERT!!

Apparently there are pygmy elephants.  Why this is the first I'm hearing of it, I cannot imagine, but there ARE.  I got an email from the Philadelphia Zoo telling me that they're in some sort of partnership with....snzxxxx....boring.  don't care.  The important thing: Pygmy Elephants!!

Sadly, they are not dog-sized, as I had fervently hoped.  They're actually only a couple of feet shorter than regular Asian elephants, which still makes them big critters.  But they have "babyish faces" and tails that reach the ground!
Look, look!

(I don't see those tails, people.  But they are cute)

So they're fairly recently discovered b/c they're good at hiding and really non agressive.  Well, recently discovered by whitey.  The Malaysians have been enjoying tasty miniphants for years.  Seems they destroy crops, and uh...well, I'll let you read it:

Elephants regularly raid villager's small plantations as well as the larger oil palm plantations for food. Even more upsetting to the local people is the elephants' habit of destroying their graveyards. Elephants pull out grave markers and use the fresh soil for dust bathing.

Yeah.  So.  Anyway, there are only about a thousand or so left.  I'm all of the sudden feeling all conservationist.  Save the blasphemous pygmy elephant!!

I have things to teach you.

It's Learning Day!

1. Ikea toddler bed mattresses are not made to accommodate the frames of plus-sized grown ups.  Grown ups who insist on sleeping on said mattresses in hopes of convincing their four year old to sleep in her own bed will not wake up all at once.  They will wake up head and torso first, then one tingly limb at a time.  The back pain will come later.

2. When a female echinda is ready to mate, males follow her around, single file.  They may follow her for up to six weeks.  Then she picks the one with which she will mate and all the others are SOL.  It's like Flava of Love.  But with monotremes.

3. Lost in Space is worse than you remember.  Which stands to reason, really.  I mean, with the number of sci-fi geeks out there, willing to glom onto and obsess about any sort of future that involves jumpsuits, if they aren't holding LiS-cons, there has to be a reason.  And there is.  Ben, however, looooves it.  I did get a great line from there.  The robot suddenly called out "WARNING!  Attitude stabilizer cells losing power!  WARNING WARNING!"  When the kids are pushing my buttons?  That's what they should hear.

4. The male rhea mates with up to 12 females.  They all lay their eggs in a nest he has built.  Every other day, for as long as 10 days, each female lays one egg.  Once the male starts sitting on them, the females just lay more eggs close by.  The male scoops them into the nest with a wing or with his beak.  Then the females go off in search of more hot bird-on-bird action.  The male stays, sitting on as many as 60 eggs.  When the babies hatch, he cares for them and protects them.  Rheas are hot.

5. If you are so inclined, you can send a squid postcard. It will help if you can read Japanese.
 

6. tonight: MAKEOVERS!!!  For real this time. 

Everything Must GO!

It got warm.  That means one thing for me:  I get the urge to throw away everything we own and start anew.  I want to drag all the furniture, all the toys, all the blankets and linens--everything--to the curb.  Or, in our case, to the garage door, where it will fester for a year until we finally get someone out to haul it.  Or most of it.  Some gets to stay, to remind us where the garbage goes.

I'm trying to satisfy the urge by reclaiming the playroom as a sewing/craft space.  I've been sewing in the dining room which doesn't really make for a relaxing eating area.  Mixing spaghetti with tape measures...picking straight pins out of the dinner rolls...no good.  But there's STUFF in the playroom, and it must move.  But where?  Where is that extra room that turns up in my dreams?  Gah.  I'm dragging it all to the curb.

If you've seen something you want, come get it. 

I love you, internets.

So, my boy got me ANTM on i-Tunes last night and now today I find it on You Tube as well.  Phew.  I knew I couldn't hold out until Sunday for a Make-over show.  But guess what?  NOT the makeover show.  more poop.  That seems to come next week, and it appears that they've given Sarah's hair to Renee and Brittany's hair to Jael, which suggests that maybe they've started scalping the girls and switching the scalps around.  Which: awesome.  And, it will provide much needed tears. Also explains why Kathleen's ginormous afro is gone--too much work. I'd be pissed if I got Cassandra's scalp with the wig sewn onto it though.  I really wish they'd give it to Renee because she could really make the live-giving tears flow and flow.  Vamptyra would be satiated for weeks.

On with the show! Right off they start giving poor li'l Samantha the sympathetic loser edit.  Aw, she's sad. Aw, she doesn't fit in.  Aw, she wuvs her daddy.  That way, you don't feel badly for her when she goes home.  Which, of course, she does.  Before they can fix her horrible horrible eyebrows.  I hope Tyra can sleep knowing that she has allowed Kathleen's hair and Samantha's eyebrows to continue roaming the earth.  I hope she at least feeds Jaslene and gets rid of the Jheri curl before sending her home.  Because she's going too.  She's getting the Nnenna/Lisa "you take such great photos" early edit. Totally going down. Which is good, because it hurts my eyeballs when she's on screen.

The first Tyra Mail tells the girls "Babies learn to do it. Can you learn it too?"  Poop in stores with no changing tables?  Projectile vomit while on a bridge in the car?  Make grown women cry from sleep deprivation?  Oh...walk.  Right.  Bor-ring.  They go to a high school track.  OBviously.  And can I just say how awesome it is that the Tyra Mails are now written on 8x10 glossies of Vamptyra herself?  That way, when they close up on the writing, TYRA!  Because sometimes, when I have to go a minute or two without seeing her, I think I'm watching like, C-Span, or something.

So this one time?  At band camp?  This tranny came outleadingthe band?  Miss J meets the girls on a high school track.  He's in a band uniform, and not even the band front--like a flag girl (fatty) or a pom (cool)--but in pants, like a dude.  There's some feeble attempt to connect being in a marching band with being a model (it TOTALLY works!) and then the girls have to go change into identical polos and shorts and, of course, fugly heels.  When they return, Miss J is rocking the Ugly Catholic School Girl look.  He schools them in walking, oh-so-briefly, then attempts to teach them a walking routine.  I'll just say that the pom squad could have had that routine down--with or without pom-pons or flash gloves--much faster than these poor souls.  There is much meandering and crashing into one another and, the reason we are all gathered here together--catty smack-talking.

J tells Natasha that it looks like she's marching. She interviews something like "He said I look like a Martain, so I'm doing good!" oooo-kay. Jaslene is quite convinced that she is queen of the walk.  I'm impressed that she doesn't just snap in half, so I'll give her that.  But LOOK at her legs.  I mean, seriously, shouldn't this be illegal?  Shouldn't we intervene, get her hospitalized?   She talks like she's deaf, which is fine in a deaf person, but in the non-hearing-impaired, it is rather grating.  And yes, I'm sure she isn't hearing impaired, b/c you KNOW that would have come up in front of Vamptyra.  With tears of adversity overcome. Delicious, delicious tears.

So sure, it SEEMED silly that they were learning to walk on a high school track, but people, it totally made sense!  Because they're going to walk a runway now!  To model prom dresses!  In...a high school gym....  Okay.  We need to stop for a second.  Was the budget for this show eliminated?  Did they offer Tyra a lump sum for her "talk" show and this show and she blew the whole stack finding actresses that would let her feel their boobs?  Because the first episode had them doing a fashion show at Goodwill.  And then the second episode didn't even hire an actual photographer and used Nigel.  And now they're in a high school gym?  And...well, let's just carry on, and you'll see what I mean...

So right, prom dresses. They have to model "modern contemporary" (lots of glass and angles?), "eighties," and "ghetto fabulous" (I am too old to even know what that is). So they wander around, more or less following their "choreography" while that dude with all the gums from the church fashion show in the last cycle MCs. The modern dresses are boring and the girls' hair looks awful. The come the 80s dresses and Brittany wears MY prom dress, only in plum. The kids in the audience are really, really enthusiastic, which just shows how happy they are to be out of class for something other than a Mork impersonator telling them not to take drugs. And many of them seem much younger than high school. Which is just about to become significant. The "ghetto fabulous" dresses start coming out. And so do Sarah's booblets. The reaction shot shows very happy boys, but honestly? I bet no one even noticed.

So MC Gummy critiques the girls, mostly telling them they were just horrid. There is a moment of beauty when he calls Jaslene's name and she lights up, all "yes, tell me how I kicked ass" and then he hands her the bad news: you suck. Her face just falls. And that monster Renee smirks and then interviews about how Jaslene is the worst one out there. Awesome. Brittany wins the challenge and her prize...is it diamonds like Jade got? Is is spa treatment? Dinner out with some fabulous industry exec? A couple of bucks? NO. No, it is a trophy, as tall as she is, with a gold spray painted shoe on top. So see? Jael got to sign a cardboard check. Brittany gets a big hunk of junk...what has happened? Did they spend it all on photo enlargements of Tyra to put all over the house? I'd be mad, is all.

We transition with some "drama" at the house. To sum: Jaslene cries, Renee laughs. Then Natasha, bless, her, tries to read the new Tyra Mail (hey look! it's Tyra! I must be watching ANTM!) They go back to the highschool to shoot "high school cliches"--like class clown, cheerleader, bad girl, etc. Iguess they couldn't ALL be "psychotic bulimic"...oh right, they did that last season. Jael is the "bookworm" and she's adorable and I kind of love her even though she talks like Adrienne (The Model Who Must Not Be Named) from Cycle 1. Sarah is the "class flirt" and she looks really weird in this super tight polo shirt that only comes to her waist. She's sure she can do well because she's a photographer. Did you know that? That she's a photographer? She is. She's a photographer. And she also has an oddly shaped head and no real talent that I can spot. When she gets send home, in a couple of weeks, she can interview that this experience will help her photography, which is her real love. Dionne (which one is she, again?) poses in front of Mrs. Crapapple's chalk board as the "bad girl." Cassandra (she's the one with the nose) is the "cheerleader" at one of those cool schools where the cheerleaders don't wear shirts. Okay, then Renee comes in, to be the "class clown." "Class Whining Bitch" was not available, it would seem. She moans about how all the other girls got to be something they're good at (like virginal Samanta being the slut or borderline retarded Jael being a bookworm). And then Jay tells her to ask Jael for advice. Jael is only to happy to oblige and is nearly incinerated by the hate rays coming from Renee's cigarette smoke-hardened eyes. Samantha has to be the "girl with the bad repuation" (did your school vote "class slut" in senior superlatives? Mine had "Most Soul" which seems in poor taste, but even we didn't do class slut. Amy C. totally would have won, though. You know who you are, Amy.) and Renee sobs that it isn't fair, that she could have rocked being a slut. And I'm quite certain she is right. Brittany is the "valedictorian" and wears the kind of horrid clothing that smart people favor. Whitney is the "Mean Girl" and looksrather like a man. Diana kicks ASS as the "Class President," I have a crush on her. And she could crush me. 6 foot 1 and BIG. I hope she gets a good makeover so her hair doesn't look greasy all the time. Felicia does really well as "the jock." I think she'll go final 3. And yes, Tyra, she does look like you. Then Jaslene does "The Weirdo." Everyone goes on and on about how great it is..but, um, she's a man, baby. Renee cries about it. Of course. Then they give Natasha "Teacher's Pet" and she is, again, clueless. I'm thinking it's not just a language barrier. I'm thinking she and Kathleen are the Jeopardy team to beat.

Elimination! Tyra is wearing a head scarf over a long silky wig. Again. It is unlike her to sport the same look two weeks in a row and I think something is up. And I think it is connected to the preview we get of next week when she gets an "extreme makeover." We'll see. Anyway. She tells the girls how great they all look, but Jaslene is still wearing her gown from the eating disorder clinic. Backwards, no less. So they review the photos, Tyra shows us the difference between grabbing your own boobs like a ho and grabbing those same boobs in "fashion." Best moment: When they tell Natasha she's the biggest spaz since Ann in Cycle 3 and she says, "I remember Ann, she was one of the most beautiful girls." Judging, disagreeing, and then there's Tyra, who holds only 11 photos in her hand.  But, but...there are 12 girls!!  Does this mean someone is going home?!  Yes, yes it does.  And, as I mentioned, that someone is Samantha.  She is sent home for the crime of being boring.  And eyebrows.  NEXT week, we get the make-overs.  And TiVo had better not mess with me.

Tags: antm, top model

Yesterday was poop.

I didn't get to go see Alfie b/c of the stupid snow.  And my TiVo has alzheimer's or something and forgets that the shows we put at the top of the list are the ones we want the most.  So it taped X Play instead of Top Model.  Bad TiVo.  It reruns on Sunday, so I'll see it then (unless I can get it on i-Tunes faster).  But grr.  I was all ready, beer in one hand, guacamole in the other...and nothing. 

in non-ANTM news...

Since there'll be a new Top Model tonight--MAKEOVERS!!--I thought I'd better get in a family related post to keep the relatives interested.  Can't lose my core audience.

Cheese night was a big success.  I made each kid a card, lettered A-M for each of our 13 cheeses.  Each cheese had a letter on a little flag stuck into it.  Then they rated each cheese with a 1 (ew.), 2 (meh), or 3 (woo-HAH).  I was surprised to find that they loved almost all of the cheeses, even the bleu.  The aged Provolone had no fans in the younger set (but the adults dug it).  They also did not care for the vauguely foot-y Grayson.  We liked it well enough in the tasting, but later, with red wine, it was REALLY good.  Ben gave everything a 2 or 3 except the local seasonal chevre (which wasn't very good, to be honest).  He gave the aged provolone and the Grayson a 2, but everything else got a 3.  He dug the cheese.  The best part was that it showed them that they could take a bite of something they'd never had and even if it didn't taste good, it wouldn't cause them to keel over on the spot.  I think I'll try a New Foods night one night and see what happens...

Here's me, my wattle, and Lily:


Julianna and Ben:


They're looking forward to another cheese night and other kids have asked to join in.  Cheese party!

I had the kids conferences this week.    Ben's teacher told me he is one of her favorites, which warmed my heart.  He can be...difficult and is the sort of kid you are either charmed or annoyed by (and sometimes both).  It helps that she has a son much like Ben, so she has some tools for dealing with his moods and sensitivities.  He's doing fine, but "doesn't challenge himself."  I told her that we Greenbergs are a coasting lot, prone to do only as much as is necessary.  Poke him.

Julianna's teacher is also awesome.  I was waiting out in the hall for my turn, listening to her squealing about some new material she'd gotten to teach square root.  She was totally geeking out to this other woman, "I can get the square root of ANY number!!  Isn't this so cool!"  Any woman who can gush about square roots can teach my kids.  If I can keep them from shutting down the moment numbers are mentioned?  yay.  I can barely pay attention to a phone number b/c my brain is trying so hard to scurry away to someplace safe and number free.  She told me that she's so glad to have Julianna because she cannot wait to watch her blossom into a leader.  How sweet is that?  They aren't even working for tips.  So anyway, Julianna is doing fine and can't spell to save her life.  Her teacher suggested that she just hopes to help Julianna accept that she can't spell naturally so that she will know to look for help.

Lily's teacher is my least favorite of the lot, but I think it's just that she's not someone I'd choose to hang out with, unlike the other two.  I think she's a perfectly good teacher and she seems to enjoy Lily.  So I'll get past the fact that her eyebrows are drawn on.  She's younger than me.  Why does she have no eyebrows?  Watch, it was something like chemo and I'll feel like a heel for being catty.  For like a minute.  I'll recover okay.  I'm like that.  I was most concerned with seeing if I can get Lily to enter the K program next year instead of the 4 year old program.  Her birthday is Sept. 15, so she just misses the official cut-off.  The teacher said it shouldn't be a problem for her academically or socially.  Just that she "still has some trouble getting past disagreements without crying."  Yeah.  not my problem.  So I'll make an appt with the principal and really play up the whole, " I think she's ready and all of her friends are in that group."  and then move into "It is more healing to our Mother Earth if I only drive in twice a day.  Risk the wrath of Gaia should you needlessly cause me another year's worth of mid-day journeys down the mountain!"  and I'll like shake a rain stick or something.  Freak her out a little.

School was canceled today on account of snow flakey things coming from the sky.  They've canceled over less, but they've also sent them in with buckets falling from the sky and imminent death forecast.  Who knows the ways of the school cancellation person?  And who knew that canceled only has one L and cancellation has two?  Not I until the helpful red underline pointed it out to me.  Guess Julianna comes by that spelling thing naturally (Uncle Brent).

Hopefully, the snow will continue to not matter as I am going to hear Alfie Kohn speak this afternoon.  I could use a parenting booster shot about now, so it's good timing.  He'll also be talking about The Homework Myth, so I'll take notes.

Here's another cute pic.  Even though they'll both likely give up strings after this year, they look so sweet.  Until you realize that they were playing two different songs. badly.


Okay, now go set your TiVos (or VCRs for you cave dwellers) to tape Top Model.  tonight at 8 on the CW.

Mmm...delicious tears of skinny girls...

Tyra and I need our skinny girl tears so that we can feel alive.  So thankfully America's Next Top Model has returned to me for "Cycle 8" (isn't that dog food for really, really old dogs?  Is that ironic in some way?).  Two hour premier last night, and best of all, I'd totally forgotten so it was like when the UPS truck drops off something I'd forgotten I'd ordered--Past Me sent Present Me...a present!  yay!  So I'd just plopped down on the couch with some popcorn, beer, and Steve, bipped on the TiVo, and LOOK!  Awesome.

So anyway.  They spent the first bit with 32 models sent to "modeling boot camp."  Binge, maggot!  And now PURGE!  I can't HEAR YOU!  Where is your cigarette, maggot?  I want you to drop and smoke 20!  Seeing the Jays in an army jeep was fairly rich, though.  It's not as though one would need to ask to tell with those fellas.  I was amused to see them going at the girls early for not knowing any designers or anything at all about fashion.  They asked them who Richard Avedon is and only Sarah knew.  One of the girls (I'm going to assume, based on later behavior, that it was Renee, but I'm not sure) bitched something like, "It's not fair, she only knew the answer because she's a photographer!"  She only got the answer write because she knew it!  Wah!  Truly, the "confessionals" are my favorite thing about this show. 

Then they go down to 19 girls, I think?  Then 13?  I can't remember how it all transpired.  I'm never going to land a TWoP gig if I don't obsess.  Dammit.  Anyway.  You can go to CWTV.com if you urgently need to look at our final lucky 13.  I was deeply saddened that they got rid of Kathleen.  She was so very, very awesome.  Dumb as a bag of hair (which she had attached to her head in some manner) from the early-interview "Tyra!  You so pretty! "squealing on down to the final misunderstanding about where, exactly fur comes from ("sometimes animals just die, like people, right?)...I shall miss her so. I'd have much rather lost Jael, who pronouces her name as if she were Superman's sister.  She talks as if her mouth is full of crackers and she's too stoned to find the water bottle (just drink the bong water, sister, we cannot underSTAND you).  I find her relentless love for her fellow humans boring.  If I wanted to watch people get along and learn from one another I'd...well honestly, I have no idea where to go for that.  I bet it's on CBS, though.  Her face was prettier than one would expect from her photos, but she's way too loopy to make it far anyway.

With Kathleen gone, I shall have to turn to the others for entertainment.  Sarah, the pathological liar (thanks Imaginary Dawn!) who is a photographer, model, designer, and airline pilot--she will bring out the fangs and claws I imagine.  As will Mail Order bride Natasha.  Beautiful face, but she's shorter than me, I think (what's up with not giving us stats, CW.com?  Hmm?).  Oh, and nuts.  Which is always fun.  They will draw the ire of Renee, a pretty mom from Hawaii.  She sobs a lot about her 7 month old son.  then go to him you idiot.  You are not going to win, so all you are doing is wasting time you could have spent getting a real job with which you could support him.  And even if you DO win?  Is Naima really setting the world on fire?  Will touring the Cover Girl factory in Baltimore keep you in baby formula?  go home.  And for plain ol' crazy, I'll turn to Jaslene, back for another shot.  She looks like Frida Kahlo's son.  did take a good pic, though.  But sweetie, eat.  Have a bread crust.  You can split it with Sarah who actually made me gasp when I saw her arms.

There'd been all this buzz that many more of the girls would have meat on their bones this season.  Other than Tyra of course (and sure we tease, but she only weighs about 10 lbs less than me.  Lets just say she carries it a LOT better).  And they did, in fact double the number of plus size models in the final group.  Now there are two.  A black one and a white one.  They are two of the prettier girls in the group.  But Whitney (black chick from Dartmouth) can't win b/c Cover Girl already HAS Queen Latifah and Diana can't win b/c she just isn't good enough.  Pretty, but not a model.  Girl is HUGE though.  Like 6'2" or something.

...and the rest.  Brittany took a good pic in all her fur, and seems to not be flatlining. But she has that look that I usually like and is usually gone in about 3 episodes.  Sorry sweetie. Cassandra has a big nose.  She will not win.  I'm not sure whether she's the one that sewed a wig onto her head or the one that shared a weave with a friend.  Bunch classy, classy dames at any rate.  Dionne has two tone hair and otherwise does not stand out and so I shall totally lose her after the make over episode.  Felicia is very pretty.  She looks a bit like Tyra which could help her b/c Tyra is an ego maniac and thus thinks that she IS the standard of beauty, or it could destroy her b/c There Can BE Only One.  And finally,we have Samantha, who looks a bit like a movie star from the 40s.  Pretty, will be prettier when they thin her eyebrown.  But she has this southern belle accent that makes me hate her (sorry Aunt Pat!).

Otherwise, best moments:  When the girl covered in tattoos was heartbroken (and you could see her heart, tattooed above her sternum.  For reasons I prefer not to imagine) that she didn't make the cut.  And when Renee bitched that Ja-el won the Goodwill challenge b/c she knew how to shop at thrift stores.  Yes.  yes that is true.  And the girl who knows how to walk will win a walking contest.  And the girl who knows best how to model...well, she'll come in 3rd or 4th, but hey.

And now, a photo montage:



Yes, this is the BEFORE pic.  They had not yet shopped at Goodwill which is not what Jaslene's shoes suggest.  And seriously, doesn't Sarah's face just say "Top Model" to you?  Jaslene, however, can only say, "so...hungry..."  But look, Kathleen's hair was so fierce, it TOWERS over the other girls.  I miss her already.


This...this is the sort of skanky fug that gives Goodwill a bad name.  They should sue the show.


dontcha miss her?  The hair, for one, but a model who can muffin-top wins my love. You must go see her confessional in the bonus footage.  Priceless. And look at Diana hulking back there, she's like a damed Big Foot.



"Iss jus' so ridiculous!"  What happened to Miss J?  He's dressed like a human male.


I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what this excitement is over.  Was it when they announced that they'd raised like a whole $300 for Goodwill?  I think we missed something awesome.  Tyra takes a vow of poverty and/or silence.  Jay gives up hair and skin color.  Janice Dickinson comes back (don't tease)...  But I so love that knock-kneed ol' Jaslene is positioned so that Kathleen's hair surrounds her head like a Renaissance era halo.

Note to Heather, who didn't make the cut.  You had this nice sad story about your drill sargeant daddy....but you did not cry.  Tyra and I cannot live on ribs alone.  We need the tears.

next week!  One girl goes home and cries that she won't ever give up!