A comedian that really kills 'em.

Behold my beloved's first movie, Zombie Comedian.  IT makes me giggle just thinking about it:

Episode 4: And then there were two.

We get a montage showing us what we missed in the unaired episode about last week's class--only four dogs show up: Fredo, Zoe the lab, Cookie the Maltese, and Sebastian the Yorkie.  The class works on Come! on the long lead in the ring and in the aisles of the store.  All the dogs do well with this except Sebastian who is just so terrified that all he can do is pee and shake.  Everyone should band together to will Sebastian's family to neuter him.  Cookie is ridiculously cute with her fluffy hair fluttering behind her as she scampers down the aisle for come.  She's totally focused on the loving.  Zoe and Fredo are alll about the treats.

Back to this week. Only Zoe and Fredo show up.  Apparently, when your dog is portable, it doesn't seem as urgent to get them trained.  Zoe's mom and Fredo's mom are committed.  Their leash arms are already an inch longer than their other arms.  Diane is joined this week (as in last week's un-aired class) by Sarah, a trainer trainee.  Two people for each dog.  Class opens with a contest.  YAY!  Finally an acknowledgement that this class is not about making friends; it is about winning.  First up, who can keep the longest "watch me"?  Fredo totally kicks Zoe's butt.  Wipes up the floor with her.  Next, who can get the fastest sit?  Fredo barely edges Zoe out, but it's declared a tie.  Please.  Finally, who can get the fastest "settle"?  It looks like synchonized settling as both dogs move in perfect harmony.  Who's a goo'girl?  Who's a goo'boy?

Diane directs the owners to show her stay.  Zoe's mom pops up, assures Diane that Zoe is really good at it.  Zoe proceeds to make it clear that she hasn't any intention of sitting still when there are treats to be had.  Gimme the treats, lady.  Now.  Zoe's mom pleads, "C'mon, Zo.  You're making me look like a liar."  Diane unconvincingly assures Zoe's mom that she believes her.  Fredo has trouble ignoring the fact that there is a perfectly good dog to play with just feet away, but once he focuses, he does a pretty good stay.  Diane seems pleased.  She tells them to work on a down-stay.  Fredo totally kicks butt at this, once again, because the whole "you lay there and I'll bring you treats and tell you what a good boy you are" thing really works for him.  Zoe, ever helpful, doesn't want her owner to have to stoop.  Just give her the bag of treats and then everyone can go back to what they were doing, okay?

Class moves out into the store to work on "sit" in different situations.  Like next to the small animals or the fish.  Zoe does edge out Fredo in this bit. She is just that much more interested in chow.  Fredo would kind of like to sniff and watch the guinea pigs and fish.  But in the end, both  manage to get a sit and a settle, but neither will stay in it for more than a second.  Diane enjoys watching the owners' frustration.  She drinks it in like cool water.

Back in the ring to practice "come-sit."  Fredo is perfectly game, but then gets too close to Blaze the Wonderdog's cage.  Blaze gives him a fairly ferocious barking.  Diane says, "Sure sign that Fredo's an adolescent is that Blaze doesn't want him nearby." Yeah whatever.  Vicious monster.  Fredo is thereafter a bit wigged.  Zoe is certain that the long leash is trying to get her and kind of freaks whenever it moves near her back legs.  SNAKE!  But in testament to how good they are, Fredo and Zoe manage to pull off pretty good come-sits.

Diane asks the owners to try tug-of-war for a leave-it practice, but no amount of whapping them in the snouts with their toys will convince the dogs to tug.  She assures them that even Blaze--yes, even Blaze was very reluctant to tug in a class setting.  Apparently it's a very private thing for the dogs.  Who knew?

Class wraps up with Diane telling the owners that they should be the total stars of the show next week.  But really, will anyone but Fredo show?  One by one, the other dogs have been frightened off by his superior intellect and good looks.  Huck, Corky, Sophie, Cookie, Sebastian...all gone.  Can Zoe stick it out?  Tune in next week.

My friends are cooler than yours

So they're imaginary?  With mad skillz like this, who needs a corporeal presence?  Bonnie,  who is flippin' hilarious, has wicked cool kids, AND a cute husband has knitted me a Flying Spaghetti Monster hat.  I mean really, this so totally kicks ass that I am unable to discuss it like an adult and must result to slang and idiom.

And yes, I'm aware that I AM FIERCE.

Livin' that dream

I was packing the kids' lunches this morning and as I went to get the lunchboxes, I thought, "Oh yeah, Ben's is in some weird place...where did I see it?"  And then I realized--that was in a dream.  How flippin' pathetic is it that my dreams have gone from Hot Sex with David Bowie to Kid's Lunchbox is Not Where it Goes?

nursed too long

Lily just walked up to me and poked my arm.  "Hey!  Nipple Girl!"

Find of the century.

Well, I know where I'm doing MY holiday shopping this year.  Thanks to the amazing Mimi Smartypants (I know everybody looooves Dooce, but Mimi's funnier, just not as prolific), I will never have to search for the perfect gift again.  I'll just head on over to Limbs & Things and click on...oh, how about a rectal exam trainer?

I mean, interchangeable prostates!  You can't just pick that up at Target, my friends.  Chris, my doula friend, totally needs the birth trainer.  You can never be too prepared.


There are strap on breasts which can be paired with the "lumps and bumps" kit.  Ear wax to put in the ear exam similator.  This site is, in a word, awesome.  Joe Bob says check it out.

The testosterone is strong in this one...

This morning, I finally got Ben into clean clothes, but he was still barefooted.  I recalled that I hadn't brought socks up from the laundry.

"I'll go get you some socks from the basement.  I'll be right back."

"Hey mom, I'm dressed now."

"Yes, good.  I'll just get you some socks, hang on."

"I still need socks."

"I know. They're in the basement.  I'll get them."  I start down the basement stairs.

"MOM!  While you're down there, will you get me some socks?"

I was ready for my close-up.

I've been going to yoga twice a week for a few weeks now.  Yay me.  It's a lovely contrast to the accursed pilates, which remains of the devil.  Last Tuesday, our instructor told us that a photographer from the paper was coming by today, doing some story on...oh who cares?  FAME!  I've never been an athelete, I was picked second-to-last for pretty much every team ever.  But yoga I can do.  I'm not all that flexible through the hamstrings, but I'm pretty flexible in hips and shoulders, and I have a good sense of balance.  So I can make most poses look pretty good.  AND I had just ordered swank new yoga duds.  I was totally going to rock that photo session.  I would bring it.  I would be FIERCE.

But the yoga duds didn't come.  I had to wear my usual jammie pants-and-bra cami combo.  Baggy about the bum, saggy about the boob.  Mr. Photographer dude did show, though, and he took many pictures in our class.  We did triangle and warrior poses, at which I excell.  No one would even notice my baggy rear because I was clearly so very strong and serene.  At the end of class, as we lay in relaxation, my mind raced, thinking of things I could say to the reporter so that I wouldn't sound like a total doofus.  I'd come off hip, kind of funny but totally yogic and awesome.  An inspiration to mothers everywhere.  Class ends, we're rolling up our mats, Picture Guy starts asking names from some of the women.  He walked. right. past.  He did not care to know my name.  He was featuring the totally buff chick with the Dorothy Hamill haircut and swank yoga duds.  And he was getting the name of the hippie looking chick with the dark rims and tie dyed shirt.  Hmpf.  I bet they said stupid stuff.  Totally uninspiring.  Another opportunity lost by the stupid Frederick News Post.  Hmpf, I say.

Only 2 more years until she can go to Hogwarts...

Julianna's 9th birthday was on Saturday.  Allow me a moment of the usual exclamations of surprise--How on earth did it come to pass that I have a 9 year old kid in a ladies size 7 shoe who can read and swim and has a life outside my own?  And me a tender young 24.  Shocking, really.

She wanted a Hogwarts birthday party and I was only too happy to oblige.  The night before, she took a shower and had me braid her hair so that she could have bushy hair like Hermione.  She does not realize that Rowling's description of Hermione as "bushy-haired" was meant to insinuate that she wasn't all that pretty.  And Julianna kind of crosses over from Hermione to Rosanne Rosannadanna:

It makes her oh-so-happy, though, so I say nothing.  It helps that I can take lots of pictures in anticipation of her inevitable teenage horror--"I did THAT to my hair?!"

As you can see above, we had a little "Platform 9 3/4" sign on the door.  When the kids came in, I sorted them, dressed as Professor McGonegal.
 I stuck my hand up the hat so that it could talk.  Not while on my head, of course.  Although  that would have been memorable, I'll wager... I gave each of them a badge for her house.  Only Ben made Slytherin.  Shocking no one.So proud he's wearing 3 badges.  Because no one else WANTS to be in the bad house.  Except Mr. Toilet Snorkler.

Anyway.  First class was Herbology with Professor Sprout, who bears a very strong resemblence to Prof. McGonegal, but has different taste in hats.In this class, they painted flower pots and planted flowers in them.  Ben, unable to see how this ties into Star Wars, refused to paint anything.  Lily painted the INSIDE of her pot and thus refused to plant a flower. This is why you cannot go to Hogwarts until you are 11.

Next class was Potions with Professor Snape.  Julianna wanted to have a hunt for the ingredients, so I wrote upsome clues and hid the stuff needed to make "flubber" around the yard.  Then they came back in to make the potion.  Why yes, that IS a very similar cape to the one worn by Profs. McGonegal and Sprout.  Only inside out.  I knew that Renfest obsession would eventually pay off.

Steve very much enjoyed being Snape.  He'd ask, "You, Hufflepuff--What is your favorite animal?"  "A horse."  "WRONG!  Ten points from Hufflepuff for not knowing her favorite animal!"  I had to gently point out that only two of the girls present had read the books, thus making it really just seem as if Julianna's daddy is kind of a dick with flamboyant taste in outerwear.  The girls really got a kick out of it, especially since it gave them license to shout back at a grownup.

After the potions, Snape's identical twin Gilderoy Lockheart took the kids outside for Defense Against the Dark Arts.  Two girls had wands with the power to freeze, the others had the power to unfreeze.  So, you know, freeze tag with chopsticks.

That gave me a chance to clear up the table for cake.  The last class was back inside with McGonegal--Transfigurations.  They sat in a circle on the floor.  I showed them the Orb of Transfiguration (looks very much like a balloon with a bit of water and glitter inside.  uncanny, really) and told them that while the music played, they should pass it around the circle.  But when the music stops, the Orb will transform whoever is holding it into an animal.  The holder must then make that animals noise.  Thereafter, whenever the music stops, all who have once been transformed are transformed again, gradually filling the house with animal cacaphony.  Only, after about a pass and a half, the balloon popped in Rhiannon's lap, transforming her into a Wet Girl.  Behold!  The power of the Orb!

One spare pair of pants later, we had cake.  Now is the part where you ooo and ahh and tell me how very cool and talented I am.  But save it for the comments section, K?
Then pressies and then a very condensed form of Quidditch: Beat the golden snitch with a stick until candy falls out:


This totally filled the two hours, and they all went home with candy, flubber, and a flower pot.  Best part is, it really was pretty stress free.  Julianna did a lot of the planning.  We didn't really need to buy anything but some flower pots and chopsticks.  The cake wasn't in a weird shape I had to figure out.  I didn't feed anyone anything but cake and drinks (butterbeer and pumpkin juice--The butterbeer was cream soda and root beer mixed.  Pumpkin juice was just mulled cider). No actual goody bags.  And everyone had fun.  And then I needed a nap.

You may praise me now.

Don't want to know.

Ben, as he comes down the stairs:  Hey Mom!  With my snorkle mask on, I can keep my face in the toilet for 10 seconds!  And I can keep my feet in as long as I want!

Episode 3: Settle

We join our program already in progress...probably some dumb basketball game or something.  Fredo, his owner, and her daughter arrive at the ring after everyone else is seated and listening to Diane talk about "leave it/take it."  Present in today's episode are Zoe, Sophie, Cookie, Sebastian, Huck, and Fredo. Bad Dog Corkie has gone to torment good doggies in some other class. Diane is in the middle of reprimanding Zoe's owner for yanking her hand back in the exercise--the owner is to show the dog a treat and then close the fist around it so that the dog cannot get it.  Once the dog starts nosing after it, he gets the treat.  Zoe's owner apparently had pulled her fist away from Zoe instead of letting her nose around after the treat.  Diane says, "The reason she isn't giving up is because she keeps expecting you to pull your hand away."  Oh, and because she's a lab and will never give up her search for treats.  Ever.  You have to bury a lab with a bag of treats or they'll claw out and Zombie Dog will come looking for chow.  Diane turns her gaze wearing to Fredo's owner and explains the exercise in a tone that leaves it plain that they would KNOW what was going on if they'd SHOWN UP on time.  Fredo, the clear front runner--even without knowing how the other dogs did, instantly gets that if he leaves the hand alone, it will give up the treat.

Now Diane begins to introduce the concept of "settle."  She lets Blaze the Wonder Dog out of his crate.  He watches her every move with rapt attention.  She says sit, he sits.  She shows him the treat and brings it to the ground and he lays down perfectly and eats the treat.  Fredo gets it first, because he is the best dog.  Zoe gets it soon afterward because, you know, treats.  Huck STARES at his owner.  He is clearly trying to control her mind. He's clearly trying to bore into her brain "Give me a job.  I need sheep.  You stupid, stupid woman."  She is oblivious and keeps feeding him treats whenever he does anything even remotely like a settle.  He stands up and "hugs" her while she rubs his head and tells him how pretty he is.  Diane sees them.  Her disgust is palpable.

Suddenly!  A stranger in a black trench coat is lurking near the ring.  Diane fixes her with a Dog Lady look.  "Are you with someone?"  Fredo's mom claims her as "my sister-in-law."  Right.  Like Diane cares about people and their horrible relationships.  please.  In reality she is a spy and she goes to the opposite side of the ring next to Cookie's owners.  We cut to an interview in which she says, "I'd read about the class and wanted to see the dogs for myself.  Of course, Fredo will win."  Back in the ring, Sophie Does Not Get It.  As the treat comes down, she backs away, nose to the treat, little Beagle butt wagging happily in the air.  In fact, for the whole of the class, her butt never comes near the floor.  Boing!  Cookie...Cookie is a full-on spaz.  Sebastian is terrified and piddles on the floor.  Then he tries to become as small as possible.  Which, given that his full size can't be more than 8 lbs (mostly ears) is pretty small.  The owners are supposed to see how long the dogs will stay in a settle by feeding them treats.  Most of the dogs eat a couple and pop up.  Even Zoe.  But Fredo sees that "just lie there and eat" is a pretty sweet gig and tries to see if he can get belly rubs into the deal as well.

Diane brings Blaze out of the crate again.  He does a perfect sit-settle and watches intently for the next command.  Intently, but without the barely concealed contempt that Huck has.  Blaze is like the perfect English butler--effecient, proud, subservient.  The sister-in-law-spy interviews: "I was cracking up sitting next to Cookie's mom.  She kept saying, 'Is that a robot dog?'"  Back in the ring, Diane tells the class that they will now work on socialibility with other dogs.  She picks Zoe to help demonstrate.  Of course.  Bloody teacher's bloody pet, she is. 

"Approach me until we are close enough to shake hands and then tell Zoe to sit."  Zoe watches her owner's hand verrry closely because sometimes treats come out of there.  Asked to sit, she plops down instantly and happily gobbles the proferred treat.   Her eyes never leave her owner's treat hand.

[in a stilted "this is just for play" voice] "Hello.  Is your dog friendly?"

"Yes." nervous titter (only one.  Fetish community, you know).

"May I introduce my dog to her?"

"Yes."  Zoe remains seated.  Blaze stands idlely by, waiting for the next order.  Zoe's owner tugs the leash to try to convince Zoe to go meet Blaze.  Zoe stands, eyes on thetreat hand, and then shifts her gaze to Diane's treat hand.  Not once does she even GLANCE at Blaze.  For dogs do not have treat pockets.  And if they did, they'd always be empty.  Even by lab standards, this dog is food motivated.

Next, Cookie and Sebastian are introduced.  They are both too scared to even look at each other.  Cooke and Sophie give it a go.  Sophie is excited (boing!) and Cookie is fine with it and they have a reasonably successful meeting.  Diane looks over at Fredo (who is on his back, feet in the air, as usual) and Huck (who is trying to read the minds of the other owners for leverage).  She looks at Fredo's owner.  "is he friendly?" and makes the "eh?" motion, tilting her flat hand back and forth.  His owner says, "Well, yeah, he's really friendly.  Over enthusiastic, but friendly.  He's just really submissive and if a dog threatens him...But he loves dogs!  Almost more than food!"  Huck and Fredo take the ring.  Their owners, clearly professional actors judging from how quickly they learned the dialoge, go throughh the routine.  Fredo eagerly sniffs Huck.  Huck stiffens.  "And walk away!" says Diane.  Let the record show that it was NOT Fredo who was the cranky one.

The last exercise is to walk around the ring, demonstrating the dogs' "let's go" prowess.  Zoe is perfect because there are treats.  Fredo does very well in spite of all of the cool smells.  Everyone else tanks.  Sophie is just a bundle of energy.  Cookie is utterly scattered.  Sebastian is terrified and piddles.  Huck is looking for the exit and/or sheep.

Next week: Proper tug-of-war and Leave it.  Don't forget to bring a toy this time, people!

ow.

Pilates is of the devil.  And not in that "oh this is so fun it could cause me to neglect my religious studies" way, either.  The longer I sit here, the more likely that my legs will just freeze into this position and I'll be unable to move and I'll be stuck here, muttering "oil can" until someone finds me.

I'll just come out and say it:  I hate exercise.  If it didn't give me an hour and a half away from Lily's chattering, I'd be unlikely to drag my butt to the gym.  I have always hated it.  In high school, I theorized that hell was just a room full of gymnastic equipment and a hairy, squat gym teacher with a whistle.  When we did gymnastics in gym class, I usually just sat on the mat and cried.  I could not do a somersault until I was in the 9th grade.  We had to put together a "tumbling program" and present it to the rest of the class.  I can't recall how long it had to be.  probably a minute.  I remember it as 30 minutes.  Because I had only JUST mastered the damned forward roll, that was all I could do, so I just did roll after roll until the time was up.  I still hate Miss Wintjen.  It's her fault that I'm fat and out of shape.  So I'll just have some ice cream and sulk about it.

Problem is, I just uploaded all these pictures from my mother in law's lovely 65th birthday party and couldn't help but notice THIS:


Okay, you say, why the obsession with your mom's neck?  You might well ask this, except for this little detail--MY MOM WAS NOT THERE!!!  So, you know.  Off to the gym with me.  To lift weights with my chin(s).

Episode 2: Sit. Goood Sit.

Last week on Doggie Boot Camp with Diane the Dog Lady-- introducing the clicker, "Watch me," Huck barks too much, everyone piddles.

Week two begins early.  All the owners heed Diane's advice to come before class and let the dogs walk about the store and get used to the smells and chill out a bit.  Unfortunately, it mostly seems to ramp the dogs up.  We see Huck the Sheltie outside by the door with his lady owner this time.  As Huck and Fredo lunge excitedly at one another, Huck's mom tells Fredo's mom that her husband was too frustrated in class and told her she had to go.  Every time Huck barks--which is often--she reaches down and hugs him from behind.  This seems to please him.  Then she goes back to ignoring him.  Fredo's mom sympathizes, using her hard-won playground tact skills, saying, "I really think he's just very smart and bored.  He wants a job, I think.  He just looks smart, don't you boy?  Don't you?  Oh, he's so pretty."  Rolling her eyes as she walks off, she takes Fredo inside.  The puppy class is just finishing up.  They're all lying about the ring looking docile and adorable.  Diane is all smiles and broad gestures.  She seems to really like puppies.  I mean, who wouldn't?

Meanwhile, outside the ring, the gangly adolecents and Fredo lunge at each other and their owners pull at them.  Zoe the yellow lab is VERY excited to see Fredo and yanks her mom's arm out of its socket and drags the limb down the aisle as she bounds over.  Mom just seems exhausted more than distressed.  Owners disperse with their dogs, talking to them in that high-pitched trying-to-distract-the-toddler voice "Oh!  Look, Sophie!  treats!"  "Sebaaaastian, do you see the balls?  Do you?!"   Finally the puppies leave the room with their big puppy feet and cute puppy faces and happy owners.  First into the ring is a Mastiff puppy.  She wasn't here last week.  Next is an adult mixed breed, also new.  Confused by this change, our regulars mill around outside the ring, uncertain, waiting for a cue.  Diane rolls her eyes.  "You can come IN. (implied "duh")."  Sebastian the teacup Yorkie comes in in his owners arms.  Then Cookie the Maltese, also being carried.  Fredo's mom, down to one child this week,  sees the other mutt and comes over happily.  "Hi! You seem to have a grown-up mutt, too!" 
"Yes, this is Corkey"
"This is Fredo"
"Frito?"
"No, Fredo, like Alfredo."
During this brief chat, Fredo and Corkey go from happy sniffs to excited sniffs.  Suddenly, Corkey's lips curl back and he/she snarls and barks like a police dog.  Fredo is surprised, but he barks back beause he's nobody's bitch.  Diane is Very Disappointed.  "Separate!  Walk them!"  Fredo's mom half carries, half drags the now VERY excited Fredo out of the ring.  Corkey is sent to the waaaay other side of the store. Because he is a Bad Dog who said very mean things to sweet li'l Fredo. Stupid mutt.

Fredo does a short lap and comes back.  Diane is seating people according to the dogs' temperments.  Fredo cannot be in the corner in case he gets scared again.  Sophie the beagle cannot be in the corner because she was so scared last week.  The little dogs cannot be in the corner because little dogs are easily threatened...in the end, Fredo's owner's kid goes in the corner b/c she doesn't have a freaky dog psyche.  Diane introduces the Mastiff puppy as a visitor who is making up a puppy class.  her name is Fiona and she's only 3 months old.  She's already bigger than the 6 mo old lab.  And she's TOTALLY teacher's pet.

Diane announces that today's work will be on "Sit."  Blaze is having a day off  (how did a poodle get into a union?), so she lets Fiona the Giant Puppy show everyone a Good Sit.  The other dogs do not seem to be shamed.  Huck barks.  Sophie boings up and down over and over and over.  A mic pics up Fredo's mom muttering "boing" every time, like Ramona Quimby with Susan's curls.  Zoe tries to find the treats.  Sebastian and Cookie sit on laps.  Fredo lays on his back, getting a tummy rub.  Sit looks easy.  Diane goes from dog to dog, showing us how easy it is to get a sit.  Even the viscious and tiny brained Corkey can sit with Diane.  Then it's the owners' turn.   Zoe, of course, sits.  She is a lab, and there are treats.  Sophie boings (boing!).  Huck barks.  The little dogs spin in circles.  Fredo pops up and knocks the treat from his owner's fingers and then eats it off the floor.  Corkey...who cares.  He is dead to us now.

In spite of the weakness of the Sit progress, the class moves on to a Long Sit.  Diane demonstrates on Zooooeeee (Zoe Zoe Zoe!).  She gets her in a sit, gives her a treat, and keeps treating her as long as she sits.  Because she is a lab, she would sit until her bones fuse as long as treats are forthcoming.  Then it is the class's turn and the chaos resumes.  Fredo actually does well, even though he'd REALLY like a shot at Zoe's treats.   And Sophie would really like some of Fredo's.  It's exactly like toddler playgroup.  They only want to eat what the other kid brought.

The class moves on to Loose Leash Walk.  Diane wants to talk about the Gentle Leader harness.  "Like the one...Freddo?"
"Fray-do.  Like Alfredo."
"...Fredo is wearing."
She suggests to Zoe's owner that she'd need less arm reattachment surgery if she got one.  Fiona's owners absolutely need one b/c their dog will outweigh the whole family combined.  "But it isn't a muzzle.  It won't keep your dog from BARKING (pointed look at Huck) or even biting (cuts eyes in direction of Corkey, but doesn't out and out accuse him b/c this is American and even nasty, nasty dogs get the benefit of the doubt)."  After seeing the proper way to walk--with that Zoe as an example b/c she'd heel for Pol Pot if he had treats--each dog is sent out to walk around.  For the record, Fredo (like Alfredo) wins this challenge handily, even beating out the prodigy Fiona.  The little dogs just buzz around, totally unaware that they are expected to do anything.  Sophie boing! boing! boing!s around.  Corkey breaks loose and eats all the cats in the adoption room.

Next week: No class, Diane has knee surgery, the first in a process of going totally bionic.