Mmm...delicious tears of skinny girls...

Tyra and I need our skinny girl tears so that we can feel alive.  So thankfully America's Next Top Model has returned to me for "Cycle 8" (isn't that dog food for really, really old dogs?  Is that ironic in some way?).  Two hour premier last night, and best of all, I'd totally forgotten so it was like when the UPS truck drops off something I'd forgotten I'd ordered--Past Me sent Present Me...a present!  yay!  So I'd just plopped down on the couch with some popcorn, beer, and Steve, bipped on the TiVo, and LOOK!  Awesome.

So anyway.  They spent the first bit with 32 models sent to "modeling boot camp."  Binge, maggot!  And now PURGE!  I can't HEAR YOU!  Where is your cigarette, maggot?  I want you to drop and smoke 20!  Seeing the Jays in an army jeep was fairly rich, though.  It's not as though one would need to ask to tell with those fellas.  I was amused to see them going at the girls early for not knowing any designers or anything at all about fashion.  They asked them who Richard Avedon is and only Sarah knew.  One of the girls (I'm going to assume, based on later behavior, that it was Renee, but I'm not sure) bitched something like, "It's not fair, she only knew the answer because she's a photographer!"  She only got the answer write because she knew it!  Wah!  Truly, the "confessionals" are my favorite thing about this show. 

Then they go down to 19 girls, I think?  Then 13?  I can't remember how it all transpired.  I'm never going to land a TWoP gig if I don't obsess.  Dammit.  Anyway.  You can go to CWTV.com if you urgently need to look at our final lucky 13.  I was deeply saddened that they got rid of Kathleen.  She was so very, very awesome.  Dumb as a bag of hair (which she had attached to her head in some manner) from the early-interview "Tyra!  You so pretty! "squealing on down to the final misunderstanding about where, exactly fur comes from ("sometimes animals just die, like people, right?)...I shall miss her so. I'd have much rather lost Jael, who pronouces her name as if she were Superman's sister.  She talks as if her mouth is full of crackers and she's too stoned to find the water bottle (just drink the bong water, sister, we cannot underSTAND you).  I find her relentless love for her fellow humans boring.  If I wanted to watch people get along and learn from one another I'd...well honestly, I have no idea where to go for that.  I bet it's on CBS, though.  Her face was prettier than one would expect from her photos, but she's way too loopy to make it far anyway.

With Kathleen gone, I shall have to turn to the others for entertainment.  Sarah, the pathological liar (thanks Imaginary Dawn!) who is a photographer, model, designer, and airline pilot--she will bring out the fangs and claws I imagine.  As will Mail Order bride Natasha.  Beautiful face, but she's shorter than me, I think (what's up with not giving us stats, CW.com?  Hmm?).  Oh, and nuts.  Which is always fun.  They will draw the ire of Renee, a pretty mom from Hawaii.  She sobs a lot about her 7 month old son.  then go to him you idiot.  You are not going to win, so all you are doing is wasting time you could have spent getting a real job with which you could support him.  And even if you DO win?  Is Naima really setting the world on fire?  Will touring the Cover Girl factory in Baltimore keep you in baby formula?  go home.  And for plain ol' crazy, I'll turn to Jaslene, back for another shot.  She looks like Frida Kahlo's son.  did take a good pic, though.  But sweetie, eat.  Have a bread crust.  You can split it with Sarah who actually made me gasp when I saw her arms.

There'd been all this buzz that many more of the girls would have meat on their bones this season.  Other than Tyra of course (and sure we tease, but she only weighs about 10 lbs less than me.  Lets just say she carries it a LOT better).  And they did, in fact double the number of plus size models in the final group.  Now there are two.  A black one and a white one.  They are two of the prettier girls in the group.  But Whitney (black chick from Dartmouth) can't win b/c Cover Girl already HAS Queen Latifah and Diana can't win b/c she just isn't good enough.  Pretty, but not a model.  Girl is HUGE though.  Like 6'2" or something.

...and the rest.  Brittany took a good pic in all her fur, and seems to not be flatlining. But she has that look that I usually like and is usually gone in about 3 episodes.  Sorry sweetie. Cassandra has a big nose.  She will not win.  I'm not sure whether she's the one that sewed a wig onto her head or the one that shared a weave with a friend.  Bunch classy, classy dames at any rate.  Dionne has two tone hair and otherwise does not stand out and so I shall totally lose her after the make over episode.  Felicia is very pretty.  She looks a bit like Tyra which could help her b/c Tyra is an ego maniac and thus thinks that she IS the standard of beauty, or it could destroy her b/c There Can BE Only One.  And finally,we have Samantha, who looks a bit like a movie star from the 40s.  Pretty, will be prettier when they thin her eyebrown.  But she has this southern belle accent that makes me hate her (sorry Aunt Pat!).

Otherwise, best moments:  When the girl covered in tattoos was heartbroken (and you could see her heart, tattooed above her sternum.  For reasons I prefer not to imagine) that she didn't make the cut.  And when Renee bitched that Ja-el won the Goodwill challenge b/c she knew how to shop at thrift stores.  Yes.  yes that is true.  And the girl who knows how to walk will win a walking contest.  And the girl who knows best how to model...well, she'll come in 3rd or 4th, but hey.

And now, a photo montage:



Yes, this is the BEFORE pic.  They had not yet shopped at Goodwill which is not what Jaslene's shoes suggest.  And seriously, doesn't Sarah's face just say "Top Model" to you?  Jaslene, however, can only say, "so...hungry..."  But look, Kathleen's hair was so fierce, it TOWERS over the other girls.  I miss her already.


This...this is the sort of skanky fug that gives Goodwill a bad name.  They should sue the show.


dontcha miss her?  The hair, for one, but a model who can muffin-top wins my love. You must go see her confessional in the bonus footage.  Priceless. And look at Diana hulking back there, she's like a damed Big Foot.



"Iss jus' so ridiculous!"  What happened to Miss J?  He's dressed like a human male.


I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what this excitement is over.  Was it when they announced that they'd raised like a whole $300 for Goodwill?  I think we missed something awesome.  Tyra takes a vow of poverty and/or silence.  Jay gives up hair and skin color.  Janice Dickinson comes back (don't tease)...  But I so love that knock-kneed ol' Jaslene is positioned so that Kathleen's hair surrounds her head like a Renaissance era halo.

Note to Heather, who didn't make the cut.  You had this nice sad story about your drill sargeant daddy....but you did not cry.  Tyra and I cannot live on ribs alone.  We need the tears.

next week!  One girl goes home and cries that she won't ever give up!