Ah, Halloween. One of the primary reasons to bother having children. Adult-only Halloween activities are creepy. There's a seediness about them, a desperation. Costumes seem to fall into three categories: Sexy (devil with push-up bra), Gruesome (I think you know), and needlessly clever ("I'm a Freudian slip! Get it?"). I understand and accept that this is the sort of activity societies always have, a loosening of social mores, an exploration of other identities, blah blah, where's my degree? but I still find them a bit oogy. I prefer a Halloween with joyousness and silliness and it's easier to pull that off if you're entertaining kids.
I worked the car line today in my kitty hat and kitty tail :
The little kids loved it. The middle schoolers thought it was funny. The upper elementary kids could not BELIEVE I was such a dork. They're the ones I said "meow!" to and chased with hairballs. I told Julianna this morning that it was a really warm hat and maybe I'd just wear it as a winter hat. Sadly, she doesn't embarrass easily yet. But wait. I will get revenge for all the times I carried a screaming child out of a store. For the times I had to cover for "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?" For catching vomit in my hands. Oh yes, revenge will be mine.
So this afternoon will be filled with hair and costuming, I imagine, since Julianna wants little knobs all over her head, sprayed purple. Dani is coming home with her and I'll have to do her hair as well. Lily wants silver hair. Ben...Ben still has not settled on a costume. The house looks great, if not a whole lot different from last year. Which, apparently, I never blogged....Hm...Well, it looked like this last year:
and isn't a whole lot different today. Those dia de los Muertos banners on the rail are now over the windows. And there are lots of day of the dead skulls on strings hanging down. We also have lots of red lights lining the walk this year, too. It all looks bright and festive with our bright and festive house. It pleases me.
This last episode of ANTM wasn't really worth the full blog. So I'll just make a couple of observations...
First, the horrible hair. You know what these weaves look like? Old Barbie hair. Ebony and Jenah were having some stilted conversation and they both looked like Barbies that had been played with in the tub and then left to dry under the sink.
And now, word about Sarah. Since I started watching this show, I have the occasional ANTM dream. I’m in the cast, I’ve made it to, say, the top 8 or so. I can’t believe it, I don’t know how I’ve made it b/c, let’s face it, I’m 40 years old and a size 16. And I’ve had 3 kids. But still they seem to like me. I’m under no illusion that I’ll win, but I’m doing okay. That is Sarah. What is she doing there? She’s pretty, okay, but she’s not stunning. Her body is way to humanoid. Yet, she remains. She’s okay. I doubt she’ll be there long, though.
This week brought us an ANTM first! It comes down to Ebony and Ambreal. For reasons known only to Tyra’s spies who told her that Ebony has been saying she’d like to go home, Ebony gets a picture, which would send Ambreal home. But Ebony says, “I want to go home” And Tyra give her the “I hate a quitter so yeah, you can go” like Ebony had gravely disappointed her, but really? It seems that Ebony really thought she wanted to be a model. And then it turned out she didn’t like it. So why the hating? But Ambreal is not hating, she is thanking god, who apparently has a long straight wig and a tendency to chew on her lip. I’m thinking that next week, it will be Sarah or Ambreal who goes home. The week after will be which ever of those two is left. Then Lisa or Chantal. Then the other of those two. Our final three will be Heather, Jenah, and either Bianca or Saleisha. That could go either way at this point. They really kind of owe Saleisha for that horrid hair cut.
I think I want to be played by Paul Lynde in the movie of me. Will it be a problem that he's dead? I've always wanted to be the fun gay uncle. I try to live that out down at Bev's. I give NYC obsessed Molly tips on theater and fashion. I gave Blair a drink of my cocktail when she begged ("Oh my gosh! Blech!!!). And I taught them how to say "Do you have a pencil?" in Latin. Or so I thought. My high school buddies that took Latin all said the classroom joke was to say Hab este penis? to Tali Johnson b/c she'd turn bright red. And that it just meant "do you have a pencil?" or something similar. But just now I went to a Latin translator and it was nothing of the sort. So it turns out I'm the fun gay uncle that lies. Which makes me even cooler, right? Jerry is going to get a restraining order though. First I taught them about the humor that lies within Uranus (snicker) and now this. So, Latin scholars, help me out. Amy?
One of my favorite old Emo Phillips gags goes a little like this: I was walking in the park last week and I saw Billy, from my first grade class. I hadn't seen him since first grade and I ran over to him, shouting "BILLY!" and I clapped him on the back. This knocked him down and he began to cry. And then I realized, Billy would have grown up too.
Sometimes I forget that people who were cool young grownups when I was in college are now...old. God help us, this is Morrissey (thanks to Pink is the New Blog):
Words (almost) fail me. I was still picturing this guy:
(I tried to find this pic of him in a sheer, tight fitting top, touching his own nipples, but that's just not a Google search I can face). But I imagine he's had the same 20 years that I have, eh? Doesn't he totally look like he's about to yell at you, drunkenly, for denting the car? I can smell the whiskey on his breath. I imagine he starts to sound like a nasty version of the Lucky Charms leprechaun..."Oh aye, meat IS murrrder but there's no meat in ale, lassie!" Oops, made him Scottish. That's just where my head is now, I guess. Can't even do accents on the computer. I can't quite convey how stunning I found these pictures. I knew he was still performing. And obviously people do age, but DAMN. I just never really thought about it.
Does he still do the poor waif routine? Does this paunchy old dude really sing the same maudlin songs he sang at 25? Because while it might have been a little bit cute then, it wouldn't be now. If he's still singing Unlovable, well, it's time for meds.
"Last night I dreamt, somebody loved me....and left me some Cheez-its!"
I realize that I haven't produced anything non-model related in some time. I apologize for being to busy living my life to stop and tell you people about it. Right. Like I'm not sitting here reading lolsecrets and Mimi Smartypants.
So....what's new? I actually got some sewing done. I made one drop off at the store and never went back. I have no idea if anything is selling or anything. Here's my crap! Later suckers! So I made a couple of pillows out of cashmere sweaters that I found at the thrift (and that neither Julianna nor I could wear). I'm making some Christmas throw pillows for people so very full of the season that the very pillows on the couch must reflect their joy. I hope to get some aprons done...I found these really cute old aprons with fruit appliqued on them--brand new at Goodwill. I bought five of them. I can't really just slap my tag on them and trot them in, so I need to scheme out a way to make them originals rather than just resale deadstock. Or maybe I'll just make the tag really nice. There's a store downtown that has expressed interest in my aprons and I really, really need to get in there. Soon. The laziness...it is so strong.
The Halloween count-down has commenced. The girls are going to be "punks" along with Bev's girls. It is very strange to have your child dress up as your childhood. It must have been like this for my mom when I became obsessed with poodle skirts and pony tails. Really kid? Oookay. The girls are kind of blurring the lines between 70s punk, 80s new wave, and 90s riot grrrl. But eh, it's Halloween. Plaid skirt, ripped up leggings with safety pins in and you're gold. Ben is planning on being a Pokemon trainer. As far as I can tell, they look like normal people but with odd hair and giant eyes. So he's all set.
I'm currently reading the second "Outlander" book "Dragonfly in Amber." They're juuuust this side of bodice rippers. Just enough history to make you feel like you're learning something when you aren't imagining how very cute Jaimie must be. Fans of men in kilts, you must get these. You'll learn all about the Jacobite revolution in 1745. Fans of the Jacobite revolution of 1745, you must get these. Because I suspect your pickin's are slim.
We just watched the season finale of "Mad Men." If you didn't watch it, get it on DVD when it comes out. Really one of the best shows ever. So well written, well acted and cool looking. I can't stop worrying about some of the characters and I'm usually not nuts like that.
Current rodent count in my house: 2 pigs (dear Rosie and Gypsy. They lives here.) 1 Resident hamster, Natalie. 2 foster hamsters, and 9 foster mice. Yes, that's right, foster mice. They are very cute, but the cats think we have lost. our. minds.
Okay, there. ANTM is on tonight you know.
I know, it’s like I just posted a recap! But some nice person was super speedy this week in getting ANTM to youtube. The sty-cam shows us that, like every other cast, the girls are slobs. Janet takes on the naggy mom roll and tells them to “respect” the house and “be proactive.” I’d leave crumbs in her bed for that. Also, the mom girl always goes home.
And then the girls go to hell. Really. They go to some room full of gymnastic equipment. Poisonous spiders? No problem. Lay in a grave right after my friend dies? On it. Look like a murder victim? You betcha. Uneven bars? I give. I’m going home, let Bianca have my crown. Okay, it’s just a trampoline. Benny Ninja is there, asking them to pose in mid-jump. He’s every bit as helpful as anyone on this show ever is. Ambreal ROCKED it. Heather, bless her, flailed like she was on fire. Lisa, who gives lap dances to strangers, lacked the confidence to jump. I love how they edit in music to give you an impression of each girl. Heather’s flailing is that much more ridiculous with the circus music. Ambreal is balletic with the tinkly fairie sprite music.
Today’s challenge--pose while being held up in the air by an ice skater. He’s some olympic dude wearing a square of fake fur on his chin to cover up some horrid disfigurement, perhaps a tattoo that says “chin rides 5 cents”. I will not accept that perhaps that is actual “beard” grown on purpose. It’s the usual stupid crap--Show us “anger” while a little man twirls you!--until we get to Heather who, it would appear, has more gravity than everyone else. She just won’t go air borne. It’s kind of hilarious. The girls asked to show “joy” are, not surprisingly, much better than those asked to show “anger” or “sorrow.” Ebony’s “sorrow” is taken straight from a Keane painting of “puppies for sale.” She’s not going to be around long. She sucks out loud. Lisa wins the shoot for Seventeen, even though she looked really awkward and weird. The other girls are annoyed. She picks Janet and Ebony to go with her. Stock in Seventeen magazine plummets.
The girls come back from their shoot and the jealousy club grudingly greets them. Bianca, who is awesomeness in a crispy bitch package, says to Lisa “Is that makeup making you break out?” Lisa was all “You hatin’?” No honey, she was just trying to be helpful. This prompts Lisa to give us our weekly dose of “I’m not here to make friends.”
The challenge is to pose as “high fashion gargoyles.” When isn’t it, really? Ambreal, suddenly getting all kinds of screen time, is afraid of heights. The fact that her expression never changes suggests that she is on her way home. Ebony proves herself to be some sort of idiot savant, utterly blank and bland until the camera starts clicking. Sarah serves hamburgers. She should sever Ozburgers instead. They’re much more fierce.
Going to panel, my prediction for the bottom three is Ambreal, Janet, and Sarah. Ambreal goes home. Holy mike, Jenah’s weave has gone south quickly. Real horrorshow. Kind of a toss up as to whether she or Miss J has the worse hair...Ebony’s shot is “broken, but so right.” Sure. If only her gums weren’t so big, then she’d make the big time. Mid-way through the panel, Tyra gets hungry. She pokes at Lisa to see if she’s sad for any reason. Jackpot! nobody likes her! All the other girls roll their eyes and smirk. Lisa gets first photo though, so taste it beeyatches! I was dead on with my final three! Woo! Janet and Ambreal are our final two. Oh, but they send Janet home. Which is good b/c she isn’t very pretty or tall or talented. But just think of what a rat hole that apartment is going to become without Janet around to nag...
I had this utterly brill, side splittingly hilarious post I wrote as I watched last week’s ANTM. But I stupidly closed the window I was writing in before I’d saved. GONE. The upside is that I can tell you it was as funny as I want to and you’ll never. know.
so, to sum: Do NOT sass Twiggy. Just don’t.
I knew, by the one minute mark, that Victoria was going home. That whole “meh, what the hell, I’ll be a model” attitude does not make Tyra happy. She wants hungry. Because she understands hungry. The kiss of death, of course, was that she got hardly any makeover at all. That’s always bad news. They’ve sent someone home right after making them cry about their hair. Those tears will buy you at least one episode. The other one who didn’t get much change was Heather, but I think that’s because they were afraid she’d go off on them with that Ozburger strength and just trash the place and rip out all the weaves. All without making any eye contact.
To show the girls what their cuts will look like, they use this lame freeware “download your photo and see what you’d look like with a new cut!” program. Stupid. But now we know what they’d look like as Sims. Which is nice. It really looked like we weren’t going to get any tears for this makeover show. Which is like, not acceptable. I mean, geez. We’ve had not one melt down over nicotine withdraw and now no tears about the hair? Janet goes from short brown hair to Pat Benetar. Ambreal goes from really short hair to really really short hair. Jenah gets the obligatory blonde weave that just looks kinda skanky at first and rapidly goes ratty. Should get her booted, so all bets off HER for the final 3. Unless they have pity on her like they did on that now nameless redhead from last season. Lisa gets a short cut that highlights the fact that her hair is thinner than your grandma’s. Ebony gets super long hair that will never be mistaken for her own. But can I just say that getting a weave looks like it HURTS. I shall now look at weave wearers with the same confused/pitying/contemptuous look I’d used for women in stilettos. Saleisha got this weird puffy little dutch boy cut that makes her look like someone’s adopted Chinese daughter. Chantal gets bangs. And then, just when you thought we were going home dry, it turns out Bianca’s hair is too damaged to turn platinum blonde. Pity, I know, b/c that’s such a classy look on a black woman. Instead of giving her long blond hair? They’re going to shave her head and give her a “medical grade” wig. Really, has anything ever sounded as luxuriant as “medical grade?” But damn her, she didn’t burst into tears. So Jay’s all “How does that make you feel? You look upset.” Still, nothing! So they call in Miss J, who actually whistles “Hush Little Baby” while dabbing Binaca’s eyes with a hanky and then holds it up, declaring it “soaked in model tear droplets”! But Bianca, she just sat there. That, my friends, is FIERCE.
She interviews that she thinks she looks ugly, but she looks a hundred times better. Saliesha hates her hair, which shows that the mirrors are working. Sarah loves her hair, which suggests maybe the opposite. She went from being a pretty girl to a pretty mom. So they have some dumb Cover Girl makeup challenge wearing Cover Girl makeup in their Cover Girl makeup stations. They have to create a “dramatic eye paired with a glossy, nude lip.” I’m assuming they have free reign to make the other eye hilarious and the other lip dull and over dressed. Sarah wins. Victoria, poor dear, was at a terrible disadvantage b/c they don’t wear make up at Yale. Perhaps she should be studying the history of make up, huh?
The photo shoot is some silly thing where they pose as flowers. Bianca is shown first, looking lovely. Jay tells us how great she was on set and how sometimes you need a “complete emotional meltdown to build yourself up.” So they totally did her a favor by shaving her head and taunting her! Sweet! Unfortunately at panel? No one likes her shot. So...whatever. Likewise, Jay compliments Saliesha on rocking her Cousin Oliver look but at panel? Nope. Oh, and if you weren’t sure earlier, Victoria continues to go on about how silly high fashion modeling is (I know!) and how it doesn’t feel natural to her, blah blah blah...see ya.
So, you know, no drama at panel. You know and I know it’s Victoria. Especially after this classic exchange:
Twiggy: I think it’s quite remarkable that you were given cactus because it’s quite prickly an---
Victoria: Let’s get one thingstraight? I don’t have a prickly disposition.
Good going!
I really thought the other one at the bottom would be Ebony, but it was Saliesha and her horrible hair. Which had nothing on Jenah’s rat weave of horrors which was already disintegrating by the end of the show. but Jenah was called first, so yay for her. And Victoria was far from torn up about leaving. Which is, of course, why she’s leaving.
And Miss J? The ever growing afro? Really, really stupid.
