And in lighter news...

I had this utterly brill, side splittingly hilarious post I wrote as I watched last week’s ANTM.  But I stupidly closed the window I was writing in before I’d saved.  GONE.  The upside is that I can tell you it was as funny as I want to and you’ll never. know.

so, to sum:  Do NOT sass Twiggy.  Just don’t.

I knew, by the one minute mark, that Victoria was going home.  That whole “meh, what the hell, I’ll be a model” attitude does not make Tyra happy.  She wants hungry.  Because she understands hungry.  The kiss of death, of course, was that she got hardly any makeover at all.  That’s always bad news.  They’ve sent someone home right after making them cry about their hair. Those tears will buy you at least one episode.  The other one who didn’t get much change was Heather, but I think that’s because they were afraid she’d go off on them with that Ozburger strength and just trash the place and rip out all the weaves.  All without making any eye contact.

To show the girls what their cuts will look like, they use this lame freeware “download your photo and see what you’d look like with a new cut!” program.  Stupid.  But now we know what they’d look like as Sims.  Which is nice.  It really looked like we weren’t going to get any tears for this makeover show.  Which is like, not acceptable. I mean, geez.  We’ve had not one melt down over nicotine withdraw and now no tears about the hair?  Janet goes from short brown hair to Pat Benetar.  Ambreal goes from really short hair to really really short hair.  Jenah gets the obligatory blonde weave that just looks kinda skanky at first and rapidly goes ratty.  Should get her booted, so all bets off HER for the final 3.  Unless they have pity on her like they did on that now nameless redhead from last season.  Lisa gets a short cut that highlights the fact that her hair is thinner than your grandma’s.  Ebony gets super long hair that will never be mistaken for her own.  But can I just say that getting a weave looks like it HURTS.  I shall now look at weave wearers with the same confused/pitying/contemptuous look I’d used for women in stilettos.  Saleisha got this weird puffy little dutch boy cut that makes her look like someone’s adopted Chinese daughter.  Chantal gets bangs.  And then, just when you thought we were going home dry, it turns out Bianca’s hair is too damaged to turn platinum blonde.  Pity, I know, b/c that’s such a classy look on a black woman.  Instead of giving her long blond hair?  They’re going to shave her head and give her a “medical grade” wig.  Really, has anything ever sounded as luxuriant as “medical grade?”  But damn her, she didn’t burst into tears.  So Jay’s all “How does that make you feel?  You look upset.”  Still, nothing!  So they call in Miss J, who actually whistles “Hush Little Baby” while dabbing Binaca’s eyes with a hanky and then holds it up, declaring it “soaked in model tear droplets”!  But Bianca, she just sat there.  That, my friends, is FIERCE.

She interviews that she thinks she looks ugly, but she looks a hundred times better.  Saliesha hates her hair, which shows that the mirrors are working.  Sarah loves her hair, which suggests maybe the opposite.  She went from being a pretty girl to a pretty mom.    So they have some dumb Cover Girl makeup challenge wearing Cover Girl makeup in their Cover Girl makeup stations.  They have to create a “dramatic eye paired with a glossy, nude lip.”  I’m assuming they have free reign to make the other eye hilarious and the other lip dull and over dressed.  Sarah wins.  Victoria, poor dear, was at a terrible disadvantage b/c they don’t wear make up at Yale.  Perhaps she should be studying the history of make up, huh?

The photo shoot is some silly thing where they pose as flowers.  Bianca is shown first, looking lovely.  Jay tells us how great she was on set and how sometimes you need a “complete emotional meltdown to build yourself up.”  So they totally did her a favor by shaving her head and taunting her!  Sweet!  Unfortunately at panel?  No one likes her shot.  So...whatever.  Likewise, Jay compliments Saliesha on rocking her Cousin Oliver look but at panel?  Nope.  Oh, and if you weren’t sure earlier, Victoria continues to go on about how silly high fashion modeling is (I know!) and how it doesn’t feel natural to her, blah blah blah...see ya.

So, you know, no drama at panel.  You know and I know it’s Victoria.  Especially after this classic exchange:

Twiggy:  I think it’s quite remarkable that you were given cactus because it’s quite prickly an---

Victoria:  Let’s get one thingstraight?  I don’t have a prickly disposition.

Good going!

I really thought the other one at the bottom would be Ebony, but it was Saliesha and her horrible hair.  Which had nothing on Jenah’s rat weave of horrors which was already disintegrating by the end of the show.  but Jenah was called first, so yay for her.  And Victoria was far from torn up about leaving.  Which is, of course, why she’s leaving.

And Miss J?   The ever growing afro?  Really, really stupid.