Random shopping rant

Overheard in line at Borders today:

[clerk on the phone to a customer's answering machine]:  Mr. White, this is Mike at Borders, your order has come in.  We have your King James Bible on DVD, Deepak Chopra's "Search for Meaning", the "Left Behind" set on audio, and the Complete Nightmare on Elm Street Collector's Edition.

I totally cracked up and the guy that was ringing me up rolled his eyes and said "I know!"  I thought about how fun it would be to size people up by their book purchases the same way I do in the grocery store.  And then it reminded me of the guy that came to our multi-apartment yard sale several years ago.  He purchased a stack of vintage Playboys and a box of disposable gloves.

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So I got it into my head that I was going to buy espadrilles on Sunday.  I was in the mall for our weekly Small Angels rodent adoption event.  So I left Julianna with the others and headed to Boscovs (I know, but this is the "old mall" where, as Chris Rock so aptly put it, the white people USED to shop. Now it has Boscovs, Bon Ton, a Payless, and an ever changing series of Everthing $insert number here stores where everything seems to have "fallen off of a truck."  And the mall has this weird uneven floor like they just slapped tile down without ever smoothing the earth.).  I've long said that Bon Ton smells like my Granny (the way she used to smell, that is, don't be gross), but damn if Boscov's doesn't look like her closet.  It's like an Alfred Dunner tent sale in there.  After wading through the Norton McNaughton and Rafaella to get to the shoes, I was not shocked to find that they did not carry the platform wedge hip espadrilles that would transform my summer wardrobe.  Oh, they could transform it all right, just not the way I was hoping.

So I headed to Bon Ton for a whiff of Gran and some hope.  I finally FIND their shoe dept (what, are they ashamed to sell shoes?  No signage, no logic to the layout of the store...and seriously, how does ANYONE find anything in a dept store?  If you needed, say, a black T shirt, you'd have to first figure out what dept to go to--misses? sportswear? career?  And further, in the Bon Ton, the high end Ralph Lauren-y stuff is in the front of the store in this clean area with, like, two shirts per rack.  Like a total of 30 items of clothing in 1000 square feet.  Andalllll the rest of the dreck is cramed onto spin racks so tightly that you can hardly see anything.  Welcoming.) and discover they have an eNORmous selection.  Like, Zappos has a Frederick outlet or something.  Even so, I can't find exactly what I had in mind, but I did try on these shoes by M.U.D.D. that I kind of liked.  Hippie chick espadrilles with a crocheted strap over the toe and over the heel...but then ankle laces.  I am nearly 40 and I am not a ballerina, so I'm not sure I should be in ankle laces.  I tied them at the ankle (not lacing them up my leg so my calf fat could bulge out between the Xs--hot!) and looked in the mirror.  Pretty cute.  I think I can get away with it.  I don't THINK it's too mutton-dressed-as-lamb, and they're cheap, so hey let's get 'em.  Off I trot to the counter.

Someone is there already, purchasing many items.  Not all of which are shoe related (this will be important later).  She is purchasing them for her 93 year old mother (Bless her heart!) who just doesn't have a pretty, comfortable shoe (well, bless her heart!) but she has always liked to be pretty (of COURSE she does)...etc.  And she has coupons.  And she has to figure out which items will generate the most savings when paired with which coupon.  And aparently Bon Ton makes this simple by assigning coupons to different departments and with different amounts and stipulations so that you need a fargin' lawyer to do your shopping, provided you are ever able to FIND the damned shirt you were looking for in the first place.  It's clearly going to take a while.

 I can see another "Service Center" (and they really should put quotes around it on the sign) and head for it.  There is a woman hanging clothes next to it. She is disinclined to indicate that I am visible. "Uh, excuse me?  Are you working this register?"  "I'm sorry?"  "This register [I indicate in case I've suddenly lapsed into Dutch again], are you working it?"  "Yes," She looks at the box in my arms as if it were a live chicken (and not the way I look at live chickens, either). "But you have shoes."  "Yes.  I would like to buy them.  With money." "Well, shoes have to be rung up in the shoe department because they get a commission and we don't"  More than a hint of bitterness I might add.  Ooookay.  Maybe we're done buying Mama's Shoes...and there are now 4 people in line.  All buying non shoe items which they can purchase wherever they like.  And I put my espadrilles back.  Perhaps I am not meant for ankle straps after all.