And in lighter news...

I had this utterly brill, side splittingly hilarious post I wrote as I watched last week’s ANTM.  But I stupidly closed the window I was writing in before I’d saved.  GONE.  The upside is that I can tell you it was as funny as I want to and you’ll never. know.

so, to sum:  Do NOT sass Twiggy.  Just don’t.

I knew, by the one minute mark, that Victoria was going home.  That whole “meh, what the hell, I’ll be a model” attitude does not make Tyra happy.  She wants hungry.  Because she understands hungry.  The kiss of death, of course, was that she got hardly any makeover at all.  That’s always bad news.  They’ve sent someone home right after making them cry about their hair. Those tears will buy you at least one episode.  The other one who didn’t get much change was Heather, but I think that’s because they were afraid she’d go off on them with that Ozburger strength and just trash the place and rip out all the weaves.  All without making any eye contact.

To show the girls what their cuts will look like, they use this lame freeware “download your photo and see what you’d look like with a new cut!” program.  Stupid.  But now we know what they’d look like as Sims.  Which is nice.  It really looked like we weren’t going to get any tears for this makeover show.  Which is like, not acceptable. I mean, geez.  We’ve had not one melt down over nicotine withdraw and now no tears about the hair?  Janet goes from short brown hair to Pat Benetar.  Ambreal goes from really short hair to really really short hair.  Jenah gets the obligatory blonde weave that just looks kinda skanky at first and rapidly goes ratty.  Should get her booted, so all bets off HER for the final 3.  Unless they have pity on her like they did on that now nameless redhead from last season.  Lisa gets a short cut that highlights the fact that her hair is thinner than your grandma’s.  Ebony gets super long hair that will never be mistaken for her own.  But can I just say that getting a weave looks like it HURTS.  I shall now look at weave wearers with the same confused/pitying/contemptuous look I’d used for women in stilettos.  Saleisha got this weird puffy little dutch boy cut that makes her look like someone’s adopted Chinese daughter.  Chantal gets bangs.  And then, just when you thought we were going home dry, it turns out Bianca’s hair is too damaged to turn platinum blonde.  Pity, I know, b/c that’s such a classy look on a black woman.  Instead of giving her long blond hair?  They’re going to shave her head and give her a “medical grade” wig.  Really, has anything ever sounded as luxuriant as “medical grade?”  But damn her, she didn’t burst into tears.  So Jay’s all “How does that make you feel?  You look upset.”  Still, nothing!  So they call in Miss J, who actually whistles “Hush Little Baby” while dabbing Binaca’s eyes with a hanky and then holds it up, declaring it “soaked in model tear droplets”!  But Bianca, she just sat there.  That, my friends, is FIERCE.

She interviews that she thinks she looks ugly, but she looks a hundred times better.  Saliesha hates her hair, which shows that the mirrors are working.  Sarah loves her hair, which suggests maybe the opposite.  She went from being a pretty girl to a pretty mom.    So they have some dumb Cover Girl makeup challenge wearing Cover Girl makeup in their Cover Girl makeup stations.  They have to create a “dramatic eye paired with a glossy, nude lip.”  I’m assuming they have free reign to make the other eye hilarious and the other lip dull and over dressed.  Sarah wins.  Victoria, poor dear, was at a terrible disadvantage b/c they don’t wear make up at Yale.  Perhaps she should be studying the history of make up, huh?

The photo shoot is some silly thing where they pose as flowers.  Bianca is shown first, looking lovely.  Jay tells us how great she was on set and how sometimes you need a “complete emotional meltdown to build yourself up.”  So they totally did her a favor by shaving her head and taunting her!  Sweet!  Unfortunately at panel?  No one likes her shot.  So...whatever.  Likewise, Jay compliments Saliesha on rocking her Cousin Oliver look but at panel?  Nope.  Oh, and if you weren’t sure earlier, Victoria continues to go on about how silly high fashion modeling is (I know!) and how it doesn’t feel natural to her, blah blah blah...see ya.

So, you know, no drama at panel.  You know and I know it’s Victoria.  Especially after this classic exchange:

Twiggy:  I think it’s quite remarkable that you were given cactus because it’s quite prickly an---

Victoria:  Let’s get one thingstraight?  I don’t have a prickly disposition.

Good going!

I really thought the other one at the bottom would be Ebony, but it was Saliesha and her horrible hair.  Which had nothing on Jenah’s rat weave of horrors which was already disintegrating by the end of the show.  but Jenah was called first, so yay for her.  And Victoria was far from torn up about leaving.  Which is, of course, why she’s leaving.

And Miss J?   The ever growing afro?  Really, really stupid. 

today. Not my favorite.

Today is rather sucktastic.  Granted, it's all relative and given how it COULD have gone, it's okay.  At no point did I live in Africa, so that's a check in the positive column.  Bev and I were off to pick apples on a perfect fall day when I got in a rather nasty car accident.  No major injuries, none whatsoever to me or my kids, but the other driver flipped his car into the median.  And let me tell you, that is not a thing you want to see.  Again, as in the purple cow scenario, it is better to see than be, but still.  I really really don't think it was my fault, and Bev, who was behind me doesn't think so either, but another witness and the driver say it was, so I did get a ticket.  And that's just enough to have the niggling guilt eating at my gut.  I think he just got a bonk to the head--he did get up and walk away, but oy.  oy.  As for the rest of the day?  Well, I'll just say that if any of you were hanging on to AOL out of loyalty to us?  You needn't bother anymore.  Again, it's going to be fine, Steve has a gazillion ideas and smart friends with money, but still.  oy.  oy.  Today, she is ass.

lolkatz

Now you all know that I love me some lolcats.  Almost as much as the actual site, I love the offshoots and in jokes that come from it.    I just don't have the computer savvy to put my own together.  So here is a build-your-own.  Our new site is lolkatz.com:



Then you use this image:



And then we'll type " I bot a salami for ur son in the Ahmy.  But I eated it." 

use this font:



See?  We make our own fun.

Corner!

Yesterday was my 14th wedding anniversary.  Because he is the best boy ever, Steve arranged for a babysitter last night and we went out to the Melting Pot for dinner.   We tend to avoid chain restaurants, but the need for fondue won out.  It was very yummy, if rather costly.  We started with the traditional swiss fondue, then had a salad, then shared a platter that had both things Steves eat and things Deanas eat on it.  Then, of course, the dessert--chocolate hazelnut fondue.  The cheese was the best of it, but it was all tastey.    Our waiter was fun, a 24 year old guy who teaches autistic middle schoolers.  Seems the sort of thing that requires a sense of humor.  Or heavy drug usage.  We were a bit disturbed to realize that he was born only 2 years before we met, though.  Our booth was near the kitchen, which has a sharp turn into it.  Everyone that entered had to call out "corner!" It was odd.  Like being near a really punitive kindergarten teacher.  I had to wonder what the kitchen was like, though.  I mean, there's no chef, since you cook yer own damned food.  Is it just cutting-up-food guys?  All the fondues were made table side and the food is brought out raw.  The third course involved cooking the stuff in either oil or broth (we chose broth b/c we're really, really health conscious).  You get a safety lecture that OSHA would approve--the pot is hot, the burner is hot, the metal objects that you dip into the broth/cheese/chocolate will quickly become hot so do not put it in your mouth, dumbass.  The pot of boiling broth or oil comes to the table in a medieval looking vise called a Romulator (insert dorky Star Trek joke here, lord knows I did). Everything is quite showy.  If the waiters could learn juggling or ventriloquism it could only improve the experience.  Last night was, apparently, Ladies Night Out which of course meant drinks ending in "tini" were on the menu.  Damn you Carrie Bradshaw and your lousy taste in alcohol!  I guess I should just be grateful that it was pink drinks and not knickers that she made popular.  Anyway...the food was good, the place felt a little staged, and it was lovelyto have a nice, leisurely meal with my honey.  Next year in Paris!

You Tube ANTM liveblog

Ah, youtube and my beloved dodash8.  I can tape new shows--Pushing Daisies, haven't seen it yet--without missing Model.  Yay.

So.  Bianca.  Geez.  She gave Kimberly bad walking advice, not b/c Kimberly is something of a monster but b/c she wants to screw her up.  And let it be noted that this does not make her "a bad friend."  What would, exactly?  Beer in the weave?  And then she's crabbing about how Heather is getting a "pity leg up."  Yipes.  Girl better be going home this week.

They go to the "fashion madhouse."  Are girls really that scaredy?  Would you really, knowing that you were going on a photo shoot, or at worst some challenge, scream like a freak when someone comes towards you?  There's a photo crew RIGHT THERE.  Clearly you are in no danger.  Sure, Miss J makes me a little uneasy, but I don't see the screaming.  Their boyfriends aren't there, so they don't need to pretend they need an arm around them.  So they have to wear straightjackets and walk down a runway at the same time.  Because, as Miss J points out, this sort of thing comes up in the fashion world all the time.  Right.  And these are just the gals who will be hired for those sorts of shows.  Totally. Or MAYBE, MAYBE it's because if they fall off those heels, they won't be able to catch themselves and it will be funny?  I will say that I have worn a straightjacket before (shut up.  It was for a play), and it is really unsettling to not be able to use your arms.  Contender for Quote of the Week from Victoria: " I got into the top history program at Yale, but I can't walk down a runway."  Bet the girls from Harvard can walk.  Sadly, no one falls over.   Total waste of a gimmick.  They should have put them on stilts, too.

Awesome.  Bianca and Kimberly are lying together (wocka chicka), asking Saleisha about her modeling experience.  Saleisha starts to get cranky.  Bianca accuses Saleisha of being border-line plus sized(?!)  and then accuses her of looking "like a Bratz doll" (um, kettle?  pot. [was that racisit?]).  Bianca is certain that her mouth will get her "everywhere in this business."  Um...okay....that sounds kinda dirty.  She then tells her little audience that she will do whatever she needs to including "cutting up clothes." Whooo baby.  I take it back. She canNOT go home.

The runway challenge is to model fashions by Colleen Quen.  She makes really beautiful, whimsical couture.


The challenge winner gets to go to Paris to walk in Quen's premiere show there.  None of them really stood out, but in the end, Saleisha wins it.  Bianca dies a little inside.  Honestly,  I couldn't focus on anything but  the asstastic job Roy Campbell was doing as an MC.  cheesier than a Wisconsin deli plate. 

The photo shoot puts them in climbing rigging, on a climbing wall, wearing gowns and "edgy editorial (read: ugly) makeup."  Stoo-pid.  Victoria, bless her, says that she felt like "a sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine."  I think we've all been there.  Kimberly commits the sin of being too pretty. Lord knows we don't want that.  She says she wants to be "a role model" for the girls with a normal life.  Not those clingy ones, for sure.  It's one of those moments that make you say, "Have you SEEN this show?"   At any point, has a judge said, "She's refreshingly normal!" (answer: no).  Heather's shoot is terrific of course, because she's like Rain Man, but with pretty in place of counting cards.

We go to panel.  Tyra looks lovely but speaks with a semi-French accent that comes and goes.  Miss Jay is sporting the Cosby Kid look again.  That horrid Roy Campbell  (whose name makes me think of Hee Haw) is the guest judge.  I'm worried that if they don't stop fawning over Heather, the other girls are going to poison her.  They just don't know what to do with Victoria.  She's very serious at panel and asks questions and then goes and takes a good photo.  She still looks like a horse, but hey.  I do NOT get the Janet love.  Pretty mom (provided your mom yanks ass hair for a living), but not model.  In the end, however, Bianca and Kimberly (bi-atches!) are the bottom two and Kimberly goes home, even though Tyra really likes her...ears.  Yes, her ears.

filler

Last night was booze free.  We didn't even watch telly.  We just sat with our laptops, parallel playing like toddlers.  But the night before was Alberta's Spa Collins (YUM!!) and House (love him!)  Janet gets to drink with me.  Andi does not.

Today's bumpersticker, seen as I walked to pick up my van and convince it that it totally does not need a transmition and that thunk between gears is just the car equivalent of  a fierce stomp:  Dyslexic Devil Worshippers Sell Their Souls to Santa.

Some information for you

Watched last week's "Reaper" last night, it was funny.  Watched most of "Aliens in America," it was not.  Watched about a minute of "Moonlight," gagged, fast forwarded to at least see Logan being a vampire and nearly wept at the horribleness of it all.  Dreadful.  And I'm predisposed to like both vampires AND Logan.  The writing...it was like someone was writing a parody of a terrible TV show.  Only without being funny.  Just eck.

My new hobbie is making cocktails.  I got hooked by watching Alberta Straub's web show.  Her mojito (the flightito) recipe was just SO good.   So I've tried several of hers and the got a book as well.   Because when I become interested in something, I buy books and supplies.  That's what we do.  Last night, we tried the La Floridita Daquiri and the Caipirhina.  Both were REALLY good.  I was esp. fond of the second one.  It's made with Cachaca, a Brazilian spirit that's kind of like Rum, but made from sugar cane, rather than the molasses.  or something.  It's a yummy thing.  Lest it look like I've hopped on an already stale trend, I must stress that I'm not making Appletinis or Cosmos.  I'm making vintage cocktails.  Like Don Draper would drink if it weren't entirely girly to mix the spirits with anything except ice cubes.  It would slow him down to have to mix things.  I like that part though.  C'mon over!