This Yoga thing isn't what it's cracked up to be...

What with one thing and another, I haven't been to the gym to work out in a couple of weeks.  I even missed my Pilates-based torture class this week because my mouth was so totally numb I was drooling.  With the best of intentions, I dressed in my standard-issue Suburban Mom uniform--workout pants, tank top, and (gack) hooded sweatshirt.  I was GOING to the gym.  I'd had a decent night's rest for once and didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the dentist's office.  But having all that energy enabled me to see the level to which my house had sunk.  It was bad enough that I started cleaning.  I was on a roll, so I didn't dare break to go to the gym.

House whipped into shape, kids playing happily, I thought maybe I'd actually do the Pilates tape I got from my imaginary friend Dawn.  I had yet to put it into the VCR since receiving it about 2 years ago and just moving it from one side of the piano to the other had done little for my "core."   Apparently, it worked about as well for Dawn.  Couldn't find the damn thing.  Maybe I mailed it to some other imaginary gal with an all-too-real mommy-pooch.  I started to put in the yoga tape my limber friend Mar had made, but it's really too advanced for the sorry state I'm currently in.  So I got out the crappy-ass Denise Austin tape I got on clearance because it came with a purple strap.  Austin is so muscular she looks like food and hearing her try to speak w/yoga instructor breathy tones is hilarious, but  I just wanted a stretch, people, so I popped it in.  Can't find the damn strap, either, so I'm using a tape measure from the sewing room.  Insert tape, assume position...and cue children!

Ben and Lily, ever attuned to the sound of a television turning on came racing in (I had tried not to look at the screen when I first turned it on because I'm taping Westminster and I don't want the surprise spoiled.  Julianna's rooting for the Pyrenees, but I haven't decided yet.).  I'm standing spread-eagle, tape measure stretched between my arms...I leeaaaan over to one side and Lily plants a boogery kiss right on my mouth.  Okay, that was pretty cute.  Ben lays down under me in the triangle made by my legs.  Alright, they are being kind of sweet...Then "Mommy!  I want dat measuring tape!"  "You can have it when I'm done."  That stretch ends, I hand Lily the tape.  Ben, of course, tries to take it from her.  Chaos ensues.  Denise is panting on about "letting go of any negative thoughts"  You mean like "Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick why can I not get 15 frickin' minutes to stretch out my atrophied muscles?"  or "Shut up Shut up Shut up!!"  Like those?  I was in a better state of mind BEFORE I put in the tape.  Dammit next time I'll just use the peace and quiet to sneak a cookie.