We're not here to make friends. We're here to WIN.

I think dog obedience class should be a reality show. Let's pretend it is, shall we? 

Episode 1: Meet the contestants.  Our  six finalists gather at the Frederick Petsmart.  Waiting for them, in the ring, is Diane the Dog Lady.  She's clearly been sent in from Central Casting.  "Hi, yeah, we need a Dog Trainer-type.  Janet Renoish.  She'll need her own costume--polo tucked into high-waisted pleated khakis, very practical shoes.  Pocket full of liver.  Her motivation is a deep-seated antipathy toward mankind.  Great.  See you then."
 Outside the ring, confusion and chaos take hold.  The dogs, by definition ill-mannered and untrained, are lunging about trying to sniff one another.  The owners are pretending that the dogs have the slightest clue what "sit" means.  One poor woman is lugging four kids in addition to a 30 lb mange-ridden mongrel.  She keeps murmuring "My husband is in Seattle.  I won't usually have the kids" in an appologetic, yet hopeful way.  The owners of a teacup yorkie pup are smug because they can hold their dog in one hand.  A gangly yellow lab adolescent tries to make contact with the mutt.  Their excited sniffs start to head toward nips.  Their owners haul them apart.  An elderly man with a big gorgeous sheltie is in the ring, going over his vet papers with Diane the Dog Lady.  She glances up from the papers and looks at the chaos out side the ring.  A look of disgust flits across her face.  "You can come into the ring (with an implied DUH), you don't have to stand out there."   Mutterings of "sorry"  "didn't know if we had to come in one at a time" and nervous titters. (you know who has nervous titters?  First time pole dancers.)

The owners find seats and try to control their dogs.  The sheltie barks a LOT.  A straggling couple comes in with their young beagle.  She is clearly terrified.  Then another couple comes in with that girl dog from Benji.  No one kicks her or offers her a pudding cup.  Diane instructs the gathering to go around the room, introducing the dogs and telling one funny thing about the dog.  She has no interest in the people's names and does not suggest that they be revealed.  Zoe is a 6 month old yellow lab. She...they are at a loss for something funny.  Diane is annoyed.  "Does she take things from the counter?  Does she run and play?"  Come ON people.  "Um, she slides on the floors when she runs."  "Oh, and she crashes !" Diane loves this image.  "Um, well, she doesn't get hurt or anything..."  You poeple dont' know how to tell a good dog story.  Next!  Sebastian is a 6 month old Yorkie.  His ears are each as big as his head.  He looks like Yoda and is the size of a shoe.  Their funny anecdote is drowned out by the barking sheltie.  Sophie is a 6 month old beagle.  She is about to turn inside out in her desire to GET OUT of there.  Her owners found her in the middle of the dining room table today.  Fredo is a year and a half old, probably.  He's a resuce mutt.  He steals things and runs off.  His owner seems desperate to assert that he WILL drop it if you tell him!  He's a Good Boy!  Oh, and he's a huge spaz and falls down all the time.  Cookie is a 5 month old Maltese.  We don't know if she does anything funny b/c we are SO distracted by how cute Fredo is.  And what a Good Boy he is.  Huck is a 9 month old Shetland Sheepdog.  He is the 3rd Sheltie that his owners have had.  Neither of the other two ever had obedience.  Huck has been dubbed the Hound from Hades (Cerberus?) and sent to class.  He has one up ear and one down ear and just looks Smart.  But his barking is annoying.  Diane's perfect standard poodle, Blaze, is snoozing in his crate.  Actually he's faking it so that he can look SO laid back and then come in and mop up the ring.

Diane starts the owners by having them massage the dogs.  Blaze comes out so that she can show us what she means.  He sits, starting lovingly at Diane, while she rubs his face and head and gradually his body. Very peaceful.  Zoe keeps jumping up.  Sebastian can be massaged in about 20 seconds.  Sophie shakes.  Fredo flops on his back for a belly rub instead.  Cookie piddles.  Huck barks insistently at his owner.  Timmy is going to drown if that old man doesn't get off his ass and get to the well.

Diane has had Enough of the barking.  She tells the man to keep him busy.  When he does, the dog is, in fact, quiet. Huck is clearly bored out of his mind.  He barks at Fredo.  Fredo barks back.  Sophie joins in.  All three are told to take a lap to calm down.  It's clearly all Huck's fault   HE's the trouble maker.  Fredo just was telling him to shut up so that the rest of them can learn.  Sophie was sticking up for Fredo b/c she's sweet on him.  The lap calms Huck b/c he IS bored.  It wires Fredo b/c everywhere he turns one of his Children are in the store and he wants to go to them.  Sophie had no idea what was going on, anyway.

Huck has to take several laps.  His owner, embarrassed, suggests he should just go home.  Oh, how Diane longs to slap him.  People, man.  I swear.  "He (you) NEEDS this class.  he (you) cannot learn without it.  It's okay, he's a good dog and very smart.  but he (you) needs training."  The class learns about clicking and treating and Blaze shows off some more.  He's lucky he's the biggest dog.  But if the others all gang up, they can totally kick his poofter ass.  Diane goes around the ring showing how she can get all the dogs to sit by holding a treat over their heads. Zoe, the lab, sits beautifully.  She is a lab, she would say the Gettysburg Address in Swahili if it got her a treat.  Sebastian sits for a sec and pops up.  Sophie piddles.  Diane is SO annoyed that her people only get one paper towel to clean up.  "You aren't paying for them.  Use a lot.  I spent hours cleaning this mat today."  Fredo sits and then immediately flops on his back.  Cookie dances around and then sits.  Huck, could not care less about her stupid treats but is more than happy to sit or do any other tricks she could think of.  Please.  just give him a JOB.

Diane hands out homework with air of someone who knows that the dogs would do the homework, if only they weren't owned by stupid, stupid people.  Oh, how she hates people.  Class is dismissed.  The chaos resumes.  Fredo piddles.

Next week on Petsmart Dog School:  Sit!

And in extra footage you get form the website, we see that Fredo gets an injury.  He was outside playing, running for a stick, when he suddenly started yelping and crying.  We can't figure out why.  he has a vet appt. tonight.