My eyes!!

Okay, I was going to watch all of last nights ANTM before posting. I missed it on the telly (I KNOW!), so I'm watching it on YouTube.  I thought I should finish before commenting, but I'm only on the second part and I've had to stop to regain my composure.  First, there was the girl named Spontaniouse (ATTENTION PREGNANT WOMEN:  this is NOT an acceptable name.  Naming your child after character traits is risky at best.  Seriously, Chastity?  But if you insist on emulating your Pilgrim forbears, do not, do NOT give the spelling a tweak.  If your child is named Vivacious, people will say, "really? Is it hard to have a name like that?"  If your child is named Vyvayshus, people will say, "Holy shit, was your mom on crack?!?"  Andi, I'm looking at you.  Don't you name my niece/nephew Dysgruntallt or Craynkee.),  then there was a drag queen dressed as Tyra doing some silly song in a cruise ship dining room (and over breakfast, no less.  Who can handle a quickly-out-of-breath old queen before 10 am?), then we had the hunchback with Aspergers, and then, THEN a girl pretended to give Tyra a brazillian bikini wax.  No lie.  She said, with a Georgian accent, "You gotta get the crack up.  You gotta spread the cheeks..."  And actually touched Tyra's lady parts.  Through a dress, yes, but seriously, this puts Trynny and Suzannah's "You got fantastic tits!" to SHAME.  Poor choice of words, I think...  I only wish I knew how to capture stills to share with you Miss J's  "oh LORDY!" face.  And then, before I'd caught my breath, Marvita (seriously, people.  Seriously) was calling out Ebony for being a bitch (and she was right, but she is not pretty) and just holy cow.  So I had to come over and keep a running commentary.  I'll be right back...

Oh please keep the Boston bahtendah!  I want to listen to her talk. I miss Cheers. Plus, she's half almost blind!  Oh, Marvita is going to feed Vamptyra!  "I hear that you been through a lotta lotta stuff in your life.  Tell me about growing up and all the things you went through and all the tragedy."  And make it WET.  Tyra grows thirsty.  half blind in one eye is NOT cutting it.  "A lot of people have done a lot of bad things to me."  Tyra replies, "Why don't you talk about that?"  Because it's PAINFUL you monster!!  And then they follow her up with Mila, who says she's had a good life so far and she likes to celebrate b/c she's so happy!  The winces on their faces--yes, they're wincing--suggest that is NOT going to cut it my friend.  Go poke one of your eyes and get back to us.  And then, as if I had written the script for her, Tyra says, "when was the last time you cried?"  Then? They mock her when she leaves.  In their defense, she's not all that cute, kinda doughy and can't walk.

Okay, in the 3rd part, a girl pulls a really long paper out of her nose.  Excellent.  Cast her.  And then the girl who is an exotic dancer "I'm not naked!  I'm not topless!  I wear a bikini!"  Gives one of the other girls a lap dance.  Because if there's one thing the other cycles have taught us, it's that Tyra loves to bring strippers and "dancers" into modelling...  The bitch, Ebony?  Her mom is a crackhead.  Tyra was able to get that out of her (the tears make it slide out better) and told her that that was why she's a bitch.  Thank you, Tyra!  Saleisha and Chantal (no, I really do wish I was kidding) vow to be the last two standing.  Chantal is convinced that she was MADE to model.  I'm not aware of a belief system that is headed by a god that would do something like that, but okay...

I must post now and make dinner.  more later.

Okay, part four, they winnow down the herd to 20.  The rest of them "will be left behind on this island."  Day-um.  Then they have to stand there and pretend to happily wave bon voyage?  Day-um. So before Tyra goes into "deliberation with Mr. and Mrs. Jay" (did they get married?  I can only IMAGINE the dress.  Holy cow.), she makes the girls tell her (and all the others) why each of them should go on.  Sadly, it is not hilarious.  In deliberation, they let little slip, but I'm still betting that Mila Merry Sunshine does not move on.  The designate one girl, who is neither plus sized nor frighteningly thin, "real sized."  Whatever.  The horse faced Victoria looks like Janice from Friends--"Hel-LO Chandlah Bing!"  Okay, I was wrong.  Mila is in. They must just hope that her sunshine collides with clouds for dramatic thunder!  What?  Dammit Jim, I'm not a meteoroligist.    They keep showing Lisa crying, so that means she's in....sucks to be the girl next to her though.  She's wearing this horrible early 90s prom gown and has thick legs, but she seldom gets more than an elbow on screen.  Poor dear.  But she's not in, so she doesn't count.  There we are.  Our lucky 13.

To break from our semi-live blog and recap:
Ebony (the bitch)
Heather (Captain Aspergers)
Mila (Captain Prozac)
Janet (the Waxer)
Jenah (the one all girls hate b/c they're intimidated.  What?  I have nothing pithy yet)
Chantal (Born Model)
Ambreal (Tall Girl who Looks Short)
Victoria (Janice from Yale)
Sarah (who?)
Saleisha (the one whose name isn't as funny as Spontaniouse)
Kimberly (who? see, they DO need silly names)
Lisa (does not dance topless)
Bianca ($25 weave)

Gone are my bahtendah and Marvita, whose tears were not enough to hide the fact that she's not even remotely pretty.  Not that that generally matters on this show.  Coming on this cycle--drama.  Explotation of a "disorder" or "disability".  Makeovers.  Enjoy!