It's all just smoke and mirrors. Oh, and dead babies.

It seems likely that I'm doing stuff and the kids are cute or something, but who can notice with so much awesome TV?  First, my primary trash TV love, ANTM. We open with the discovery that all the previous seasons of stretch Hummers to drive the girls around didn't count.  Because now they get to ride in a "green" bus.  "This cycle, Tyra wanted to pay attention to the environment, so Top Model is Going Green!"  And it's green as well as "green" b/c if it isn't ostentatious and showy, it isn't actually happening.  The interior looks like something Hildy from Trading Spaces would come up with given a "green" theme.  There's grass everywhere and it's all recycle-y and stuff.  Right.  Whatever, Tyra.  The house is all "green,"  poured concrete, recycled materials...enormous photos of Tyra recycling another race's culture by painting herself like an aborigine.  The girls all dash around getting their beds and jumping (or falling, Lisa!) into the pool with their clothes on.  You know who doesn't jump around like an idiot?  Heather.  You see, she has Ozberger's syndrome.  Apparently the symptoms are a lot like Asperger's, only it lets you be okay with being on national TV and makes you hyper aware of the word "ass." 

One of our little sub-stories today is that Bianca hates Lisa.  She had been hating Ebony, but even she could see that Bianca vs. Ebony was just going to be a little too easy to make fun of ("if only they'd named her Ivory instead of Bianca, then they'd be together in perfect harmony!").  Lisa, for all of her bikini dancer ways, is stunning.  Bianca has purple hair.  In the end,  Bianca apologizes to Lisa, but then says in the confessional that she only did it b/c she didn't want it to get back to Tyra that she'd been  nasty.  Awesome.  Poor Ebony had SO set herself up as the bitch and it gets stolen away by some homegirl in a $25 weave.  Bummer.

And THEN, to make it even harder on Ebony to come back, we get to see Kimberly (who?) advising the other girls to stay away from Heather b/c "people like that?  They cling."  When Heather talks to her, she says she's "like whatever" b/c she's afraid that Heather will think she's...human?  Not a horrid monster? ....and make her a "go-to person."  Yipes.  Ebony, hon, you are going to have to try a LOT harder than "Let's guess who has an eating disorder."

The photo shoot reveals that Tyra has had another change of heart.  Eight seasons of chain-smoking girls riding in Hummers has come to an end.  This is a No Smoking Season and all the girls have to quit.  Now.  Day-um.  Three bitches in the house isn't enough, now she's going to make them go through withdrawl?  "Back at the house, girls, you will find a box of blunt instruments and switchblade knives.  Enjoy." Awesome.  Seriously, I bow to her.  So anyway, the shoot is the girls looking at their reflections in the mirror as they (the girls, not the mirrors) smoke.  The reflection is a photoshopped in image of the girl exhibiting a side-effect of smoking.  You know, premature aging, lung cancer, chemo, DEAD BABIES!  Yes, they posed a model with a "stillborn child" in her arms.  WTF?  None of the girls batted an eye at that though.  Saleisha was just upset that she had to share a frame with Heather.  She almost got that Ozburger all over her.  ew.

They had some lame ass challenge to buy "modelesque" clothes at Old Navy.  It involved running around trashing the store and turning up in dresses that barely cover their bums.  Miss Jay told them to keep it simple.  The ubiquitous Benny Ninja told them to be sure to buy lots of scarves and necklaces.  The show just doesn't even TRY to make sense any more.

At panel, although refreshingly free of carnations or ruffles or other weird gimmicks, Miss J looks like a Cosby Kid.  hey hey hey!  Twiggy looks like maybe she's gotten into Janice Dickinson's stash (but sure as hell not her wardrobe. What in the heck was was she wearing?), Tyra looks pretty good.  Nigel remains Nigel.  Mila, shocking no one, goes home.  She takes the news with a dead-eyed smile.  Seriously, she looked like a budgie.