Episode 3: Settle

We join our program already in progress...probably some dumb basketball game or something.  Fredo, his owner, and her daughter arrive at the ring after everyone else is seated and listening to Diane talk about "leave it/take it."  Present in today's episode are Zoe, Sophie, Cookie, Sebastian, Huck, and Fredo. Bad Dog Corkie has gone to torment good doggies in some other class. Diane is in the middle of reprimanding Zoe's owner for yanking her hand back in the exercise--the owner is to show the dog a treat and then close the fist around it so that the dog cannot get it.  Once the dog starts nosing after it, he gets the treat.  Zoe's owner apparently had pulled her fist away from Zoe instead of letting her nose around after the treat.  Diane says, "The reason she isn't giving up is because she keeps expecting you to pull your hand away."  Oh, and because she's a lab and will never give up her search for treats.  Ever.  You have to bury a lab with a bag of treats or they'll claw out and Zombie Dog will come looking for chow.  Diane turns her gaze wearing to Fredo's owner and explains the exercise in a tone that leaves it plain that they would KNOW what was going on if they'd SHOWN UP on time.  Fredo, the clear front runner--even without knowing how the other dogs did, instantly gets that if he leaves the hand alone, it will give up the treat.

Now Diane begins to introduce the concept of "settle."  She lets Blaze the Wonder Dog out of his crate.  He watches her every move with rapt attention.  She says sit, he sits.  She shows him the treat and brings it to the ground and he lays down perfectly and eats the treat.  Fredo gets it first, because he is the best dog.  Zoe gets it soon afterward because, you know, treats.  Huck STARES at his owner.  He is clearly trying to control her mind. He's clearly trying to bore into her brain "Give me a job.  I need sheep.  You stupid, stupid woman."  She is oblivious and keeps feeding him treats whenever he does anything even remotely like a settle.  He stands up and "hugs" her while she rubs his head and tells him how pretty he is.  Diane sees them.  Her disgust is palpable.

Suddenly!  A stranger in a black trench coat is lurking near the ring.  Diane fixes her with a Dog Lady look.  "Are you with someone?"  Fredo's mom claims her as "my sister-in-law."  Right.  Like Diane cares about people and their horrible relationships.  please.  In reality she is a spy and she goes to the opposite side of the ring next to Cookie's owners.  We cut to an interview in which she says, "I'd read about the class and wanted to see the dogs for myself.  Of course, Fredo will win."  Back in the ring, Sophie Does Not Get It.  As the treat comes down, she backs away, nose to the treat, little Beagle butt wagging happily in the air.  In fact, for the whole of the class, her butt never comes near the floor.  Boing!  Cookie...Cookie is a full-on spaz.  Sebastian is terrified and piddles on the floor.  Then he tries to become as small as possible.  Which, given that his full size can't be more than 8 lbs (mostly ears) is pretty small.  The owners are supposed to see how long the dogs will stay in a settle by feeding them treats.  Most of the dogs eat a couple and pop up.  Even Zoe.  But Fredo sees that "just lie there and eat" is a pretty sweet gig and tries to see if he can get belly rubs into the deal as well.

Diane brings Blaze out of the crate again.  He does a perfect sit-settle and watches intently for the next command.  Intently, but without the barely concealed contempt that Huck has.  Blaze is like the perfect English butler--effecient, proud, subservient.  The sister-in-law-spy interviews: "I was cracking up sitting next to Cookie's mom.  She kept saying, 'Is that a robot dog?'"  Back in the ring, Diane tells the class that they will now work on socialibility with other dogs.  She picks Zoe to help demonstrate.  Of course.  Bloody teacher's bloody pet, she is. 

"Approach me until we are close enough to shake hands and then tell Zoe to sit."  Zoe watches her owner's hand verrry closely because sometimes treats come out of there.  Asked to sit, she plops down instantly and happily gobbles the proferred treat.   Her eyes never leave her owner's treat hand.

[in a stilted "this is just for play" voice] "Hello.  Is your dog friendly?"

"Yes." nervous titter (only one.  Fetish community, you know).

"May I introduce my dog to her?"

"Yes."  Zoe remains seated.  Blaze stands idlely by, waiting for the next order.  Zoe's owner tugs the leash to try to convince Zoe to go meet Blaze.  Zoe stands, eyes on thetreat hand, and then shifts her gaze to Diane's treat hand.  Not once does she even GLANCE at Blaze.  For dogs do not have treat pockets.  And if they did, they'd always be empty.  Even by lab standards, this dog is food motivated.

Next, Cookie and Sebastian are introduced.  They are both too scared to even look at each other.  Cooke and Sophie give it a go.  Sophie is excited (boing!) and Cookie is fine with it and they have a reasonably successful meeting.  Diane looks over at Fredo (who is on his back, feet in the air, as usual) and Huck (who is trying to read the minds of the other owners for leverage).  She looks at Fredo's owner.  "is he friendly?" and makes the "eh?" motion, tilting her flat hand back and forth.  His owner says, "Well, yeah, he's really friendly.  Over enthusiastic, but friendly.  He's just really submissive and if a dog threatens him...But he loves dogs!  Almost more than food!"  Huck and Fredo take the ring.  Their owners, clearly professional actors judging from how quickly they learned the dialoge, go throughh the routine.  Fredo eagerly sniffs Huck.  Huck stiffens.  "And walk away!" says Diane.  Let the record show that it was NOT Fredo who was the cranky one.

The last exercise is to walk around the ring, demonstrating the dogs' "let's go" prowess.  Zoe is perfect because there are treats.  Fredo does very well in spite of all of the cool smells.  Everyone else tanks.  Sophie is just a bundle of energy.  Cookie is utterly scattered.  Sebastian is terrified and piddles.  Huck is looking for the exit and/or sheep.

Next week: Proper tug-of-war and Leave it.  Don't forget to bring a toy this time, people!