Season Finale

It's the final week of competition for America's Next Top Dog.  But, as usual, before we get the final installment, we must be subjected to one of those reunion shows.  We open on Huck, Sophie, Sebastian, Corkie, Fiona, and Blaze lounging about on sofas while the opening theme plays.  Blaze faces the camera and says, in one of those vaguely English sounding high society accents from the 40s, "Once there were six.  Then there were eight.  Now...there are THREE."  The music crescendos over a photo montage of scenes from the previous eight weeks.  Zoe gobbling treats.  Huck barking.  Sebastian piddling.  Cookie scurrying.  Sophie boinging.  Fredo on his back.  Corkie snarling at Fredo.  Fiona being huge and cute. Sebastian piddling.  Again.  Final shot of Blaze, looking both bored and exasperated, in his crate.

Blaze: Yes, we've seen vicious barking (close up on Corkie) and submissive urination (close up on Sebastian.  Who piddles.).  We've seen Good Dogs and Bad Dogs (close up on Corkie again, who rolls his eyes and growls just a little).  Our little rag-tag group has grown and shrunk, those who remain have come far.  But only one can be America's Next Top Dog.  Soon, we'll find out who that is.  First, let's visit with our early competitors.  Corkie?  You only came to one class.  Care to explain?

Corkie, rises:  I don't owe nobody no explanations.  I'm a Bad Dog, see?  An' ain't no obedience class can take that away from me.  I'm from the streets, dog, and you can't take the street outta the dog.

Sophie: But you were so mean [boing] to Fredo!  What'd he ever do to you?

Corkie: I didn't like the looka 'im.  Mangey suck-up.

Sophie:  I think you were just jealous because he is a mutt like you, but he was able to learn some manners [boing].

Corkie:  See?  Suck up.

Blaze: Sophie, you still don't seem to have your bouncing problem under control.  Why did you drop out of the competition?

Sophie: We went to FRANCE [boing]!  I went on a PLANE!  YAY!

Blaze: Huck, you're unusually silent.  You were the big mouth in the class.  Always something to say.  Why so quiet now?  And why did you withdraw?

Huck: Those cretins who called themselves my owners were driving me mad.  I need to WORK.  It's who I AM.  But no, they wanted some sort of lap dog.  So I left.  I am now a freelance sheepdog and I'm much more content.  Much, much more content. 

Blaze: Ah, lovely to hear.  Sebastian?  Sebastain....where did he go?

Corkie:  Cripes, the little rat is under the sofa.  You want I should get 'im for you?

Blaze: No, really, that's quite all right.  Fiona, you were a guest in the class.  Can you tell us your impressions?

Fiona: Well, I really like my puppy class better.  Everyone is is nicer there.  Corkie scared me. 

Blaze:  Okay, so it's down to Zoe, Fredo, and Cookie. Let's bring them out.

The final three emerge from backstage.  Zoe snuffles around for lost crumbs, Fredo warily avoids Corkie.  Cookie zings around giving kisses to all.

Blaze:  So.  Predictions?  Who will be America's Next Top Dog?

Sophie:  I think it'll be Fredo.  He's soooo dreamy. [boing]

Fredo looks embarassed and rolls over on his back.  Corkie snorts derisively and says, "Zoe.  totally Zoe.  if there's food, she'll work for it.  This pansy ass couldn't hold it together enough to win anything except a submission contest."

Huck: My money's on Zoe. 

Fiona: I like them all.  I think they should all win.

from waaaay under the couch: Cookie.  She'll come from behind.  If that's okay with everyone else.  [a stream of urine comes from under the couch]

Blaze: Time will tell.  Stay tuned for the conclusion of America's Next Top Dog.  This is Blaze [which, shockingly, he pronounces Blah-zay] saying "May the best dog win."

Cue music.  And up on The Ring.  Diane waits.  Blaze is in his cage.  Fredo and his owner enter.  Diane says, "I think you're the only ones here!"  Fredo's owner says that she was just helping Zoe's mom in the food aisle.  Zoe comes in.  Diane announces that it is time for them to show off their final tricks.  Julianna, Fredo's owner's daughter offers to go first, to show off his trick.  He flawlessly performs a beg, to the command, "Fredo UP!" The stupid publicity camera is too slow to take pics and couldn't get theperfect little paws-folded beg. 

As he is doing his beg, Cookie arrives, her owners toting a pink furry hoop.  Oh, this promises to be GOOD.  Best of all, we get a pic of Cookie.
Seriously, how can you train that?  It's just too cute.  Zoe's trick is to shake, but her owner keeps stepping in front of the camera, giving only photos of Mom Jeans with a lab's ear to the side.  She performs well.  Now it's Cookie's turn.

We get a flashback showing that Cookie has previously barely mastered sit (or "Set" if you prefer) and won't do Settle to save her life.  Her owner gets out a baggie of Easter ham and tears off a piece.  "Cookie set!"  Down goes that little butt.  "Cookie settle!  Settle!  Settle!" and down.  She's down!  Woo hoo!!!  She's back up in a split second, but dammit, she was down!  Diane is elated.  "Now," she says, "how about that hoop?"  "Oh," jokes Cookie's owner, "we were going to see if you'd go through it!"  Yes, so far have we come, that the owners can joke with Diane.  Amazing.  She laughs and says she wouldn't fit.  Which is very true.

So Cookie's dad tries to lure her through the hoop.  Over and over.

No dice.  Then Cookie's mom comes over and just picks her up.  "Here!  Like this!"


Aw, the hell with it, she pitches her through.

Okay, not really.  But everyone laughs and Cookie eats ham and all is well.

Time for the contests.  Frankly, they all kind of blow Watch Me.  They have "senioritis" and are no longer interested in this game.  But in the end, Fredo and Zoe tie.  Then the Sit competition, which Cookie--of all dogs--takes.  Ham is a  powerful motivator.  And finally, the Settle, which Fredo and Zoe do in absolute synchrony again.

Diane announces that she will show us a bit of the Intermediate class.  She calls Blaze out of his crate.  He goes into a sit and stares straight ahead, not moving a muscle.  She does Heel, at which he is perfect.  She does a Stand, and he does not flinch.  "Do you see he thinks he's in Stand Stay?"  She asks.  Fredo's owner says, "I thought you'd just turned him off."  Diane laughs.  Any questions?  "Yes, was he EVER a huge dork?"  Diane tells of how she adopted him when he was two and had no manners.  That, in fact, if she looked at him, he rolled onto his back and peed.  Which, knowing Diane, is a totally understandable response.  The other owners are touched and given hope that their dogs will someday become robots, too.

Diane hands out the morterboards for Dog Humiliation photos.  These photos are VERY hard to take as the dogs are so reluctant to part that they don't want to graduate.  Or maybe they'd just rather eat the hats.

A group shot is taken for the Petsmart bulliten board.  The publicity department does not get very good stills, however, and this is all we have:



The dogs get their diplomas.  But only one can be Top Dog.  Diane is holding in her hands one picture, but three beautiful dogs stand before her.  Cookie, you stole the judges hearts with your button eyes and marabou fur.  But you just didn't pick up commands as fast as you should have.  Zoe, you learned the commands so quickly.  But the judges wonder if maybe it's all about the food with you.  Fredo, the judges thought maybe you were too old for this competition.   The mange you started with was not attractive.  But you have learned Sit, Stay, Settle, Come...your Beg was so adorable.  Fredo Greenberg, you ARE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP DOG!

Because he can.

Ben was watching Fredo cleaning himself.  "Mom, is Fredo licking his penis?!" 
"Yes, he doesn't take a bath as often as you do [but just barely, you nasty youngin], so he keeps clean by cleaning himself with his tongue. [but we all know the real reason is 'because he can']"
"I don't have to lick my penis."  pause. "But I'm going to try."

Man of my dreams

So David Bowie showed up in my dream last night.  And I sat on the couch near him at a party in my friend Charlotte's apartment.  We talked about our kids.  *sigh*

Episode five: Things get tricky

Previously on America's Next Top Dog:  Only Zoe and Fredo show for class, which centers on stay and come.  Diane admonishes them to shine at the next class.

This week, again only Zoe and Fredo are in the ring at the start of class.  Diane tells the class that young Sarah will be conducting class while she observes.  Class, as has become the norm, opens with a contest.  The winner will receive immunity from tonight's elimination.  Or maybe just a cookie.  Hard to tell.  First is a "Watch me" contest.  Just as the dogs focus on the treat right in front of their owner's noses, something big falls in the store causing the dogs to break concentration at the same time  Both get a cookie.  Zoe takes "sit."   Fredo takes "settle."  Same as last week.  Zoe's just that much more interested in food than Fredo, who has to divide his love of food with his love of lying down.  Real go-getters, these too.  Just as they go to sit down, Cookie shows up with her owners.  Seriously, she's the cutest thing EVER.  like this, only wiggly:

I mean, you can just see why Benji gave her the pudding cup.

They are, frankly, relieved at having missed the contest.  Cookie really doesn't care so much about treats.

Sarah asks "Who has trouble with their dog jumping on people?"  Zoe's mom sheepishly raises her arm.  Cookie's parents concede that really all she DOES is jump.  Fredo's mom kind of shrugs, it isn't really his problem.  She interviews that bed-pooping, stealing from the trash, and chewing up anything he finds are really his milieu.  Sarah initiates a training in which she goes up to each dog, with a treat, and asks the dog to sit.  If the dog jumps, she walks to the next dog.  If the dog sits, he or she gets a treat.  Zoe and Fredo don't even have to be asked to sit.  They see the treat, they sit.  Cookie gets it after a couple of go arounds, though.  Then Sarah asks Julianna, Fredo's sibling, to stand in the center of the ring and pretend to be meeting each dog for the first time.  She's to say, "May I pet your dog?" and the owner is to say, "Get him to sit first and then pet him under the chin."  Fredo goes first and does fine, since heknows Julianna to be a sit-treat giver.  Zoe does fine because, you know, treats.  Cookie...well, Cookie loves kids.  Especially new ones.  Especially new ones that smell like treats.  Cookie's owner offers Julianna a chicken nugget to tempt Cookie, but she recoils as if he'd offered her a joint.  She interviews that, as a vegetarian, she was horrified.  She is, apparently, unaware that those little compressed bits she's been handing out aren't tofu.  Sarah essentially gives up on Cookie, saying, "Work on this at home."

Sarah tells the owners to work on settle and massaging their dogs while she rambles on about nutrition.  She asks what food the dogs are eating.  Zoe's owner says that she just gives her Purina dog chow b/c she's hungry all the time and she couldn't afford to feed her anything else.  Fredo's owner, who--if this were called America's Next Top Dog Owner--would clearly win, says Fredo gets Innova.  Sarah is confused.  Diane tells her that while they don't sell it at Petsmart, it's a premium brand.   Cookie gets some sort of higher-end wet food b/c she "won't eat dry."  Fredo's owner totally sweeps this part of the contest.  Zoe's owner gets a lecture about why, in the end, better foods can actually be cheaper.  Cookie's owner gets a lecture about getting that little princess to eat dry food so that her teeth don't fall out of her pretty little head.  Fredo's owner does an admirable job of not looking smug.

Now, it's time to start learning cool tricks.  Sarah shows them how to teach "roll over" by getting the dog into a settle and then--basically--rolling them over by pulling the treat (which is practically in the mouth) from one side to the other.  Fredo and Zoe, predictably, are doing pretty well.  Zoe is better b/c Fredo's pretty happy to just lie there.  They work on "shake" next, confusing the dogs utterly.  "I sat, now give me the damn treat.  Hey, what're you doing with my paw?  Huh?  okay, thanks for the treat."   Diane goes to help Zoe's mom with "shake" and Sarah comes over to show how easy it will be to teach Fredo "beg."  He goes up on his haunches like a circus poodle.  In the background, while the big dogs are learning their tricks, Cookie's dad is saying, "Set.  Set. Set.  Cookie, set.  Set."  It's almost hypnotic.  And useless. But Cookie weighs like 5 ounces and is so damned cute that it won't matter.

Class dismisses.  Next week: again with the tricks.  Or, did you do your homework?

For the record

Women with visible abdominal muscles should be required to wear a full-coverage shirt in a Beginning Pilates class.  Thank you.

Oh yeah, I forgot

I had a second yoga class story...  We do this pose called "Happy Baby"--You lay on your back, raise your legs up, drop your knees toward your armpits and grab your feet.  Looks like a baby on a changing table, holding its feet.  One of those "neutralizing" poses.  We do it several times a class.  Well, yesterday, the instructor said, "And relax into your Happy Baby pose" and a woman in the class said, "OH!!!  All this time I've thought you were saying it was the Happy Lady pose!"  the verrrry happy lady

Silly

Today, Lily insisted that I wear a gauzy pink dress-up skirt over my jeans.  She said I was the "Ballerina cleaner lady."  As I tidied, she called out "Twirl more!"  I felt like Ellen Greene in Little Shop of Horrors, dancing about the house.

At yoga today, the instructor pulled out those giant exercise balls with feet.  Those balls that look kind of like cow udders?
She wanted us to lay over then and stretch our backs, but I have a "thing" about my head being lower than my feet and it wigged me a little.. When it was time to put them back I had a thought...I wonder if I could use one as a hippity hop?  Turns out you can!   I hopped it back to the corner.  My classmates did not see to see the charm.  Made me glad I opted not to wear the skirt to be Ballerina Yoga Lady.