Blaze: Yes, we've seen vicious barking (close up on Corkie) and submissive urination (close up on Sebastian. Who piddles.). We've seen Good Dogs and Bad Dogs (close up on Corkie again, who rolls his eyes and growls just a little). Our little rag-tag group has grown and shrunk, those who remain have come far. But only one can be America's Next Top Dog. Soon, we'll find out who that is. First, let's visit with our early competitors. Corkie? You only came to one class. Care to explain?
Corkie, rises: I don't owe nobody no explanations. I'm a Bad Dog, see? An' ain't no obedience class can take that away from me. I'm from the streets, dog, and you can't take the street outta the dog.
Sophie: But you were so mean [boing] to Fredo! What'd he ever do to you?
Corkie: I didn't like the looka 'im. Mangey suck-up.
Sophie: I think you were just jealous because he is a mutt like you, but he was able to learn some manners [boing].
Corkie: See? Suck up.
Blaze: Sophie, you still don't seem to have your bouncing problem under control. Why did you drop out of the competition?
Sophie: We went to FRANCE [boing]! I went on a PLANE! YAY!
Blaze: Huck, you're unusually silent. You were the big mouth in the class. Always something to say. Why so quiet now? And why did you withdraw?
Huck: Those cretins who called themselves my owners were driving me mad. I need to WORK. It's who I AM. But no, they wanted some sort of lap dog. So I left. I am now a freelance sheepdog and I'm much more content. Much, much more content.
Blaze: Ah, lovely to hear. Sebastian? Sebastain....where did he go?
Corkie: Cripes, the little rat is under the sofa. You want I should get 'im for you?
Blaze: No, really, that's quite all right. Fiona, you were a guest in the class. Can you tell us your impressions?
Fiona: Well, I really like my puppy class better. Everyone is is nicer there. Corkie scared me.
Blaze: Okay, so it's down to Zoe, Fredo, and Cookie. Let's bring them out.
The final three emerge from backstage. Zoe snuffles around for lost crumbs, Fredo warily avoids Corkie. Cookie zings around giving kisses to all.
Blaze: So. Predictions? Who will be America's Next Top Dog?
Sophie: I think it'll be Fredo. He's soooo dreamy. [boing]
Fredo looks embarassed and rolls over on his back. Corkie snorts derisively and says, "Zoe. totally Zoe. if there's food, she'll work for it. This pansy ass couldn't hold it together enough to win anything except a submission contest."
Huck: My money's on Zoe.
Fiona: I like them all. I think they should all win.
from waaaay under the couch: Cookie. She'll come from behind. If that's okay with everyone else. [a stream of urine comes from under the couch]
Blaze: Time will tell. Stay tuned for the conclusion of America's Next Top Dog. This is Blaze [which, shockingly, he pronounces Blah-zay] saying "May the best dog win."
Cue music. And up on The Ring. Diane waits. Blaze is in his cage. Fredo and his owner enter. Diane says, "I think you're the only ones here!" Fredo's owner says that she was just helping Zoe's mom in the food aisle. Zoe comes in. Diane announces that it is time for them to show off their final tricks. Julianna, Fredo's owner's daughter offers to go first, to show off his trick. He flawlessly performs a beg, to the command, "Fredo UP!"
The stupid publicity camera is too slow to take pics and couldn't get theperfect little paws-folded beg. As he is doing his beg, Cookie arrives, her owners toting a pink furry hoop. Oh, this promises to be GOOD. Best of all, we get a pic of Cookie.
Seriously, how can you train that? It's just too cute. Zoe's trick is to shake, but her owner keeps stepping in front of the camera, giving only photos of Mom Jeans with a lab's ear to the side. She performs well. Now it's Cookie's turn.
We get a flashback showing that Cookie has previously barely mastered sit (or "Set" if you prefer) and won't do Settle to save her life. Her owner gets out a baggie of Easter ham and tears off a piece. "Cookie set!" Down goes that little butt. "Cookie settle! Settle! Settle!" and down. She's down! Woo hoo!!! She's back up in a split second, but dammit, she was down! Diane is elated. "Now," she says, "how about that hoop?" "Oh," jokes Cookie's owner, "we were going to see if you'd go through it!" Yes, so far have we come, that the owners can joke with Diane. Amazing. She laughs and says she wouldn't fit. Which is very true.
So Cookie's dad tries to lure her through the hoop. Over and over.
No dice. Then Cookie's mom comes over and just picks her up. "Here! Like this!"
Aw, the hell with it, she pitches her through.
Okay, not really. But everyone laughs and Cookie eats ham and all is well.
Time for the contests. Frankly, they all kind of blow Watch Me. They have "senioritis" and are no longer interested in this game. But in the end, Fredo and Zoe tie. Then the Sit competition, which Cookie--of all dogs--takes. Ham is a powerful motivator. And finally, the Settle, which Fredo and Zoe do in absolute synchrony again.
Diane announces that she will show us a bit of the Intermediate class. She calls Blaze out of his crate. He goes into a sit and stares straight ahead, not moving a muscle. She does Heel, at which he is perfect. She does a Stand, and he does not flinch. "Do you see he thinks he's in Stand Stay?" She asks. Fredo's owner says, "I thought you'd just turned him off." Diane laughs. Any questions? "Yes, was he EVER a huge dork?" Diane tells of how she adopted him when he was two and had no manners. That, in fact, if she looked at him, he rolled onto his back and peed. Which, knowing Diane, is a totally understandable response. The other owners are touched and given hope that their dogs will someday become robots, too.
Diane hands out the morterboards for Dog Humiliation photos. These photos are VERY hard to take as the dogs are so reluctant to part that they don't want to graduate. Or maybe they'd just rather eat the hats.
A group shot is taken for the Petsmart bulliten board. The publicity department does not get very good stills, however, and this is all we have:
The dogs get their diplomas. But only one can be Top Dog. Diane is holding in her hands one picture, but three beautiful dogs stand before her. Cookie, you stole the judges hearts with your button eyes and marabou fur. But you just didn't pick up commands as fast as you should have. Zoe, you learned the commands so quickly. But the judges wonder if maybe it's all about the food with you. Fredo, the judges thought maybe you were too old for this competition. The mange you started with was not attractive. But you have learned Sit, Stay, Settle, Come...your Beg was so adorable. Fredo Greenberg, you ARE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP DOG!
2 comments:
Yay, Fredo! We knew you could do it!
Your imaginary friends in So Cal.
More SoCal KUDOS!
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