Steve turned 40 on Friday. A big birthday calls for big plans. We can't afford a sports car and I've nixed the mistress thing unless he can find one that cooks and cleans for us. So, like anyone facing down a mid-life crisis, Steve decided to go to Cedar Point. He was so excited when he finally thought of something he wanted to do. And we thought "Surely, in mid-October, on the coast of Lake Erie, the park will be deserted." Oh no. It's their busiest time. We thought we were back to the drawing board for a way to spend the weekend, but Steve made a call and discovered the VIP package. We'd get a primo parking space, front-of-the-line access to all the rides, and a guide. All that remained was finding a hotel room.
For whatever reason, Sandusky seems to have only resorts and no-tell motels. The closest thing to normal is a Hampton inn and that was full. But what do you know? Milan is only 20 minutes away! And it has a Hampton Inn!
So, not only do we get VIP treatment at the park, but we get to stay in Milan, a fashion capital? Sweet!
Our first clue that this was not as it seemed was when we pulled off the Turnpike and asked how to get to Milan. Blank stare. "Oh, MILE-in?" It's right there, a gesture points out our hotel's sign, very visible from the toll booth. Hm. Well, it's late, we'll check in and then explore the fabulousness tomorrow.
So, we got up, had a fabulous continental breakfast (it IS Milan, after all) of instant oatmeal in a styrofoam bowl, and headed out to see if there was a WalMart in Milan. Thought maybe we'd spot some models in the meantime. There didn't seem to be any in our hotel. Unless they were modeling for "People--Midwest edition". There WAS a sign for boots for 17 dollars outside the Walmart. But they didn't seem to be that Italian leather I've heard so much about...Has Milan gone vegan? And again, where are the models? We saw this, which suggested they were near:
Didn't see them in Panera, either. All the latest fashions from Blair and Alfred Dunner.
But the models. Where are they? We head back to the hotel, dispirited. And then, we spotted it:
I'm sure they were all inside having pillow fights and throwing up the tic tac they had for breakfast.
Okay, okay, on to the park (but honestly, we got more humor mileage out of staying in Milan...totally worth the turnpike view). We had a guide from 3-midnight. We got to the park about 1 pm, so we just meandered. Cedar Point is all done up for the HalloWeekends, so it was fun to look around. We took the Sky Ride and I mentioned that when we used to come there as teens, we'd joke about how funny it would be to crash a sky ride car in one of the wooded areas you go over and have skeletons sticking out of it. Well, the ride doesn't go over woods anymore, but they took my advice!
It's the graveyard of rides that have passed. Kind of fun to see which ones I remembered from back in the day had gone on to that big midway in the sky. But I was THRILLED that Cedar Downs was still there. My cousin Karleen and I used to perch on those horses, jockey-style, and urge them to victory. Steve actually CHOSE a short-tailed horse (freak) and I hopped up on my palomino. I named him Gold Dust.
Stupid short tail horse won, though. Cheater.
At 3, we went over to guest services and met BB, known as Evelyn, our guide. She was perfect. Friendly, gave advice when asked but totally let us steer the way, and, best of all, was willing to ride the rides. Steve is more willing to get on things that are trying to kill him than I am. I rode Wicked Twister as our first official ride and that nearly sidelined me right there. I let Steve and BB get on Max Air. Here they are, all smiley:
Here's a night shot of the ride, showing the sane people why my feet stayed on the ground:
Exactly. No flippin' way.
I also declined the Power Tower, described on the website thusly:
"Power Tower is a 300-foot-tall, state-of-the-art adrenaline factory
that features two towers which launch you up 240 feet and two towers
which blast you down at speeds of up to 60 mph"
Uh huh. Good luck with that folks. I also sat out this little gem:
420 feet tall. 120 mph. Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND? Steve and BB rode it 4 or 5 times, though. "Oh it's so fast, it's over before you have time to worry." yeah. I didn't buy it either.
I did ride this, though. And it was FUN.
Here's the flattering proof:
And many more. Steve thinks he hit around 35 rides. I rode 6 different roller coasters and was considered a huge wimp. But is this the face of a wimp?
Actually, it looks like a last-known-photo...picture of a picture, you know.
It was awesome. Most of the coasters had a 2-2.5 hour wait. We got right on. At first, I felt a little bad for sitting down where some kid had waited so long to sit. But then I remembered, he only has to wait one minute more. Stuff it, punk.
I must attend the squids....more later.
I had a duct tape replica of myself created. Oh, you don't HAVE a duct tape double? hm. Too bad. All the cool kids have one. I'll let you in on mine, since I'm so nice...
Half crazed with Project Runway fever, I've decided that I must sew for myself. I must have Deana Originals. The original Deana has a body rather lumpier than the designers at Target have imagined. In ready-to-wear, a 14 is just like a 6, only roomier. Still a B cup, still a flat tummy, still a high tight bum. I have none of these things. But, as it turns out, pattern makers are no more forgiving and we still have the problems of fit. I can sew, but I have no experience with fitting and altering...well, lets just say I'm likely to just throw the damn thing out rather than raise the hem. And to fit on myself? That requires some yoga-master level contortion. And poking with pins.
Then Imaginary Ivy alerted me to the Duct Tape Double and I had a plan. It took a while to get to the place in which I could face what my body actually looks like in 3-D. I'm still a little twitchy, frankly. But fashion calls! So I got an old T-shirt, some duct-tape, and a friend willing to feel me up.
La, la, la, no one is poking my nipple... She kept saying, "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting that this is your boob I'm touching." But seriously, I just left my body. Thought of England. Went Away. But I got to feeling a little Barbarella by this point:
I was pretty sure I could deflect bullets. Or maybe shoot lasers outta my boobs. Cool.
Here, I felt the need to throw wide my arms and proclaim "I am the Visible Woman! Behold my womb!"
Probably scared the kids a little. Babies. Back view, allowing you to get the full sci-fi feel of my get up:
I wanted the top layer to be black, because it's, you know, slimming. As it turns out, it looks a leeetle B&D. But whaterya gonna do?
Quiet, small child! Pneumatic Mommy has Work to do!
It was at this point that the pizza arrived.
Julianna: Mommy, you can NOT go to the door like that!
Me: The door? Honey, I am picking you up from SCHOOL like this on Monday.
Julianna: MOOOOMMMM!!!
I did leave the pizza task to a friend, mainly b/c I could hardly move. But don't think I wouldn't have enjoyed greeting the pizza boy. I'd have needed my smoker voice, though. "Hello there. C'mon in. Close the door behind you." Bet I'd have gotten free pizza, too, as he sped away.
I was cut out of it, and now it awaits my stuffing it. It's like I've shed my exoskeleton. Like a cicada.
And then poor Julianna couldn't help but face the future head on:
Oh you're cute now, honey. Oh, it's a laugh riot. But get used to it, toots. Get used to it.
I've decided to give Duct Tape Deana her own name. As most of you know, I'm named after my dad, Dean. Some of you may not know that his given name is Otis Dean and I've always been grateful to have not been named Otissa. And so, DTD is named.
next: the stuffing of Otissa.
I think "Oh, I'll wait to write a new entry until I have pictures of the chickens..." But the good pics are on my phone, so I'll just plunge in and you'll have to live in suspense about the chickens. Except Amy. I'm taking them to visit her. (bok bok, Amy). Yes, my friends, I am now the proud owner of two chickens. And, even more absurd, I am boarding them at the home of my partner-in-chicken-luv, Caroline. I'm pretty sure she got dragged into the chicken thing by her husband, but she gets it now. She understands the chicken. She can grok our poultry friends. Anyway, Caroline's got loads o' chickens. When you call "heeeere chick chick!" they come running and then peck your toes (the chickens of vegetarians can be quite bold). Seeing them come running is one of my favorite things ever, so I need chickens. We'll build a coop here, but for now, I have two. And I board them. As if they were expensive Irish hunting horses.
Oh, and their names are Mildred and Liza. Just so you know.
Otherwise, life continues apace. The fair was awesome and I went nearly every day, since I'd told the kids I'd take each of them out of school one day to go to the fair. Julianna got a blue ribbon for her Francis Scott Key Lime Sugar Cookies (the judges are powerless before cookies named after local celebrities).
Ben continues to be "into" Lego Star Wars. I use quotes because there really are no words to describe his devotion. Obsession is a bit sinister, but does capture the scope. Here's conversation at our house:
Julianna: What's that you're eating?
Me: Yogurt.
Ben (zooming in from several rooms away): Yoda? Did you say Yoda?
Me: no. yogurt.
Ben: Oh, it sounds like Yoda. Did you know that Master Yoda [he calls him "master Yoda" like he's in this jedi dojo] has 4 toes on his left foot and loves to hum opera? (or whatever)
All Star Wars, all the time. If I'm at the computer, he wants to know if I'm looking at sites from which I could, conceivably, purchase more Lego bricks for the building of elaborate ships. On the one hand, he's really good at the ship building and he just beavers away at them and comes up with good ideas and designs. On the other hand, shut UP already. geez.
Lily continues to love school. I have conferencesnext Monday. I expect to be told that she is ready to teach the class.
Julianna is happy to finally be in a modern dance class. So now her improptu performances at the Fairy Festival will have some training behind them.
Halloween fever is ramping up. We're going with a Day of the Dead theme for the house. Julianna is planning to be Hermione, Ben (wait for it) is going for some Star Wars character, Lily wants to be Mr.Kitty, our cat that died before she was born. Hopefully, she'll choose not to go with his current look.
I'm going to be moving from AOL blogs at some point in the near future. Do not panic, I will give much warning.
did you know that warning has "war" in it and that sounds like "Star Wars?"
