So, what did you do with YOUR weekend?

I had a duct tape replica of myself created.  Oh, you don't HAVE a duct tape double?  hm.  Too bad.  All the cool kids have one.  I'll let you in on mine, since I'm so nice...

Half crazed with Project Runway fever, I've decided that I must sew for myself.  I must have Deana Originals. The original Deana has a body rather lumpier than the designers at Target have imagined.  In ready-to-wear, a 14 is just like a 6, only roomier.  Still a B cup, still a flat tummy, still a high tight bum.   I have none of these things.  But, as it turns out, pattern makers are no more forgiving and we still have the problems of fit.  I can sew, but I have no experience with fitting and altering...well, lets just say I'm likely to just throw the damn thing out rather than raise the hem.  And to fit on myself?  That requires some yoga-master level contortion.  And poking with pins.

Then Imaginary Ivy alerted me to the Duct Tape Double and I had a plan.  It took a while to get to the place in which I could face what my body actually looks like in 3-D.  I'm still a little twitchy, frankly.  But fashion calls!  So I got an old T-shirt, some duct-tape, and a friend willing to feel me up.


La, la, la, no one is poking my nipple...  She kept saying, "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting that this is your boob I'm touching."  But seriously, I just left my body.  Thought of England.  Went Away.  But I got to feeling a little Barbarella by this point:

I was pretty sure I could deflect bullets.  Or maybe shoot lasers outta my boobs.  Cool.

Here, I felt the need to throw wide my arms and proclaim "I am the Visible Woman!  Behold my womb!"

Probably scared the kids a little.  Babies.  Back view, allowing you to get the full sci-fi feel of my get up:


I wanted the top layer to be black, because it's, you know, slimming.  As it turns out, it looks a leeetle B&D.  But whaterya gonna do?

Quiet, small child!  Pneumatic Mommy has Work to do!


It was at this point that the pizza arrived. 
Julianna:  Mommy, you can NOT go to the door like that!
Me: The door?  Honey, I am picking you up from SCHOOL like this on Monday.
Julianna: MOOOOMMMM!!!

I did leave the pizza task to a friend, mainly b/c I could hardly move.  But don't think I wouldn't have enjoyed greeting the pizza boy.  I'd have needed my smoker voice, though.  "Hello there.  C'mon in.  Close the door behind you."  Bet I'd have gotten free pizza, too, as he sped away.

I was cut out of it, and now it awaits my stuffing it.  It's like I've shed my exoskeleton.  Like a cicada.


And then poor Julianna couldn't help but face the future head on:

Oh you're cute now, honey.  Oh, it's a laugh riot.  But get used to it, toots.  Get used to it.

I've decided to give Duct Tape Deana her own name.  As most of you know, I'm named after my dad, Dean.  Some of you may not know that his given name is Otis Dean and I've always been grateful to have not been named Otissa.  And so, DTD is named.

next: the stuffing of Otissa.