home show hell

Ah, home shows.  Every stay-at-home mom's heaven or hell.  When Julianna was little, I got invited to scads of these things--Discovery Toys, DK books, Pampered Chef, Partylites, Homes for Living, and on and on. It seemed there was this circle of women who just invited one another to their parties.  I very seldom went b/c party games give me a rash.  Luckily, they seem to have eaten themselves tail first or something, and most of this has passed.  I've tortured my own friends with Pampered Chef, but hey--no games and you get fed, so quitcher bitchin.  Last night, I drove up to Stacey's for a "Premier Jewelry" party.  She had a really cool necklace she'd gotten at a show and I'm always up for wine and cheese and hanging w/my best bud, so I went.

Not my taste.  It looked like department store jewelry.  And there were games.  The hostess looked like Kim Catrall, so I kept waiting for her to say fuck about 8 zillion times, but she behaved her gittery top and skin-tight capris with pointy shoes self.  She uses a curling iron and she's under 50.  Odd.  Also, she had that weird blonde on top, black on the bottom hair, like that old Tuesday doll with the scalp you could twirl?  Well, I do, but she's rare as hen's teeth on google.  The best I can do given the amount of time I'm willing to put in. 

So anyway, back to my "story."  She was selling jewelry but also gave "fashion tips."  She was teaching us how to wear scarves, for whatever reason.  We were assured that if we'd been out gardening in an old T shirt, and suddenly needed to go to the store for milk, we could just toss on a scarf (that we keep in our car for JUST such an occasion) and we'd be totally dressed up!  I had trouble picturing Samantha gardening at all, so I'm thinking she hasn't really considered how odd one would look in dirty jeans, a sweatstained computer company gimme T and a chic silk scarf tied in a rosette...  I'm sure it'll work, though, if I wear earrings too.  "We should always wear earrings," she told us.  She also told us how to wear scarf belts to "elongate our lines!"  A scarf belt.  On the sagging baby bellies of 40 year old women.   I had the fortune of  sitting between two 60+ women who appreciated my muttered-under-the-breath snark.  They weren't signing up for scarf belts either.  The games.  There was some dumb ass passing a candy cane left and right thing that everyone knew how to play and I figured out fairly quickly, thanks to my expensive college education.  Painless enough.   Then she wanted us to play some stupid thing where she asked questions and if the answer was yes you had to move one space to the right.  Look cupcake,  I'm 38 years old.  I have 3 kids under 9, none of whom went to school today.  It's 8:30 at night and I've had a glass of wine.  I am not moving.  leave.me.alone.  Sell the damn jewelry already.  jeez.  I know she wished I'd go away.  She kept pitching her sale right to me, 'though I was the least interested party there.  I'll buy something.  Stacey is my friend and she bought crap at MY stupid party.  but please, please, don't ask me to be wacky.  please.  I'm going to go get more brie.  You guys carry on.

And of course, as I do, I spent the whole drive home trying to think of a way I could make money by doing this better.  People seemed to like the idiot fashion tips.  What if I did a What Not To Wear home show...I could tell fat women to stop wearing striped tunics and leggings.  I could tell people to wear comfortable clothes that make them feel good instead of what the teeny girls on the OC are wearing.  I could encourage grownups to dress like grownups...But crap, what can I SELL?   I need a scheme, people.