I love you, internets.

So, my boy got me ANTM on i-Tunes last night and now today I find it on You Tube as well.  Phew.  I knew I couldn't hold out until Sunday for a Make-over show.  But guess what?  NOT the makeover show.  more poop.  That seems to come next week, and it appears that they've given Sarah's hair to Renee and Brittany's hair to Jael, which suggests that maybe they've started scalping the girls and switching the scalps around.  Which: awesome.  And, it will provide much needed tears. Also explains why Kathleen's ginormous afro is gone--too much work. I'd be pissed if I got Cassandra's scalp with the wig sewn onto it though.  I really wish they'd give it to Renee because she could really make the live-giving tears flow and flow.  Vamptyra would be satiated for weeks.

On with the show! Right off they start giving poor li'l Samantha the sympathetic loser edit.  Aw, she's sad. Aw, she doesn't fit in.  Aw, she wuvs her daddy.  That way, you don't feel badly for her when she goes home.  Which, of course, she does.  Before they can fix her horrible horrible eyebrows.  I hope Tyra can sleep knowing that she has allowed Kathleen's hair and Samantha's eyebrows to continue roaming the earth.  I hope she at least feeds Jaslene and gets rid of the Jheri curl before sending her home.  Because she's going too.  She's getting the Nnenna/Lisa "you take such great photos" early edit. Totally going down. Which is good, because it hurts my eyeballs when she's on screen.

The first Tyra Mail tells the girls "Babies learn to do it. Can you learn it too?"  Poop in stores with no changing tables?  Projectile vomit while on a bridge in the car?  Make grown women cry from sleep deprivation?  Oh...walk.  Right.  Bor-ring.  They go to a high school track.  OBviously.  And can I just say how awesome it is that the Tyra Mails are now written on 8x10 glossies of Vamptyra herself?  That way, when they close up on the writing, TYRA!  Because sometimes, when I have to go a minute or two without seeing her, I think I'm watching like, C-Span, or something.

So this one time?  At band camp?  This tranny came outleadingthe band?  Miss J meets the girls on a high school track.  He's in a band uniform, and not even the band front--like a flag girl (fatty) or a pom (cool)--but in pants, like a dude.  There's some feeble attempt to connect being in a marching band with being a model (it TOTALLY works!) and then the girls have to go change into identical polos and shorts and, of course, fugly heels.  When they return, Miss J is rocking the Ugly Catholic School Girl look.  He schools them in walking, oh-so-briefly, then attempts to teach them a walking routine.  I'll just say that the pom squad could have had that routine down--with or without pom-pons or flash gloves--much faster than these poor souls.  There is much meandering and crashing into one another and, the reason we are all gathered here together--catty smack-talking.

J tells Natasha that it looks like she's marching. She interviews something like "He said I look like a Martain, so I'm doing good!" oooo-kay. Jaslene is quite convinced that she is queen of the walk.  I'm impressed that she doesn't just snap in half, so I'll give her that.  But LOOK at her legs.  I mean, seriously, shouldn't this be illegal?  Shouldn't we intervene, get her hospitalized?   She talks like she's deaf, which is fine in a deaf person, but in the non-hearing-impaired, it is rather grating.  And yes, I'm sure she isn't hearing impaired, b/c you KNOW that would have come up in front of Vamptyra.  With tears of adversity overcome. Delicious, delicious tears.

So sure, it SEEMED silly that they were learning to walk on a high school track, but people, it totally made sense!  Because they're going to walk a runway now!  To model prom dresses!  In...a high school gym....  Okay.  We need to stop for a second.  Was the budget for this show eliminated?  Did they offer Tyra a lump sum for her "talk" show and this show and she blew the whole stack finding actresses that would let her feel their boobs?  Because the first episode had them doing a fashion show at Goodwill.  And then the second episode didn't even hire an actual photographer and used Nigel.  And now they're in a high school gym?  And...well, let's just carry on, and you'll see what I mean...

So right, prom dresses. They have to model "modern contemporary" (lots of glass and angles?), "eighties," and "ghetto fabulous" (I am too old to even know what that is). So they wander around, more or less following their "choreography" while that dude with all the gums from the church fashion show in the last cycle MCs. The modern dresses are boring and the girls' hair looks awful. The come the 80s dresses and Brittany wears MY prom dress, only in plum. The kids in the audience are really, really enthusiastic, which just shows how happy they are to be out of class for something other than a Mork impersonator telling them not to take drugs. And many of them seem much younger than high school. Which is just about to become significant. The "ghetto fabulous" dresses start coming out. And so do Sarah's booblets. The reaction shot shows very happy boys, but honestly? I bet no one even noticed.

So MC Gummy critiques the girls, mostly telling them they were just horrid. There is a moment of beauty when he calls Jaslene's name and she lights up, all "yes, tell me how I kicked ass" and then he hands her the bad news: you suck. Her face just falls. And that monster Renee smirks and then interviews about how Jaslene is the worst one out there. Awesome. Brittany wins the challenge and her prize...is it diamonds like Jade got? Is is spa treatment? Dinner out with some fabulous industry exec? A couple of bucks? NO. No, it is a trophy, as tall as she is, with a gold spray painted shoe on top. So see? Jael got to sign a cardboard check. Brittany gets a big hunk of junk...what has happened? Did they spend it all on photo enlargements of Tyra to put all over the house? I'd be mad, is all.

We transition with some "drama" at the house. To sum: Jaslene cries, Renee laughs. Then Natasha, bless, her, tries to read the new Tyra Mail (hey look! it's Tyra! I must be watching ANTM!) They go back to the highschool to shoot "high school cliches"--like class clown, cheerleader, bad girl, etc. Iguess they couldn't ALL be "psychotic bulimic"...oh right, they did that last season. Jael is the "bookworm" and she's adorable and I kind of love her even though she talks like Adrienne (The Model Who Must Not Be Named) from Cycle 1. Sarah is the "class flirt" and she looks really weird in this super tight polo shirt that only comes to her waist. She's sure she can do well because she's a photographer. Did you know that? That she's a photographer? She is. She's a photographer. And she also has an oddly shaped head and no real talent that I can spot. When she gets send home, in a couple of weeks, she can interview that this experience will help her photography, which is her real love. Dionne (which one is she, again?) poses in front of Mrs. Crapapple's chalk board as the "bad girl." Cassandra (she's the one with the nose) is the "cheerleader" at one of those cool schools where the cheerleaders don't wear shirts. Okay, then Renee comes in, to be the "class clown." "Class Whining Bitch" was not available, it would seem. She moans about how all the other girls got to be something they're good at (like virginal Samanta being the slut or borderline retarded Jael being a bookworm). And then Jay tells her to ask Jael for advice. Jael is only to happy to oblige and is nearly incinerated by the hate rays coming from Renee's cigarette smoke-hardened eyes. Samantha has to be the "girl with the bad repuation" (did your school vote "class slut" in senior superlatives? Mine had "Most Soul" which seems in poor taste, but even we didn't do class slut. Amy C. totally would have won, though. You know who you are, Amy.) and Renee sobs that it isn't fair, that she could have rocked being a slut. And I'm quite certain she is right. Brittany is the "valedictorian" and wears the kind of horrid clothing that smart people favor. Whitney is the "Mean Girl" and looksrather like a man. Diana kicks ASS as the "Class President," I have a crush on her. And she could crush me. 6 foot 1 and BIG. I hope she gets a good makeover so her hair doesn't look greasy all the time. Felicia does really well as "the jock." I think she'll go final 3. And yes, Tyra, she does look like you. Then Jaslene does "The Weirdo." Everyone goes on and on about how great it is..but, um, she's a man, baby. Renee cries about it. Of course. Then they give Natasha "Teacher's Pet" and she is, again, clueless. I'm thinking it's not just a language barrier. I'm thinking she and Kathleen are the Jeopardy team to beat.

Elimination! Tyra is wearing a head scarf over a long silky wig. Again. It is unlike her to sport the same look two weeks in a row and I think something is up. And I think it is connected to the preview we get of next week when she gets an "extreme makeover." We'll see. Anyway. She tells the girls how great they all look, but Jaslene is still wearing her gown from the eating disorder clinic. Backwards, no less. So they review the photos, Tyra shows us the difference between grabbing your own boobs like a ho and grabbing those same boobs in "fashion." Best moment: When they tell Natasha she's the biggest spaz since Ann in Cycle 3 and she says, "I remember Ann, she was one of the most beautiful girls." Judging, disagreeing, and then there's Tyra, who holds only 11 photos in her hand.  But, but...there are 12 girls!!  Does this mean someone is going home?!  Yes, yes it does.  And, as I mentioned, that someone is Samantha.  She is sent home for the crime of being boring.  And eyebrows.  NEXT week, we get the make-overs.  And TiVo had better not mess with me.

Tags: antm, top model