What is it about the night?

Do children ever become ill during the day?  Why is the Friday night-Sunday night window so very appealing to them?  Ben has hives, all of the sudden, all over his bony little bod.  No new food or other ingestibles, so far as I know.  Just big red itchy welts all over.  Gave him benadryl.  But of course we were out of cortizone creme.  He was miserable, so I headed off to the Safeway, at 10:30, in my jammies.  But he was asleep by the time I got back.  Hopefully he wakes up spot free and right as rain...

Lesson Learned

So yesterday at the mall, Lily learned an important lesson--if you make eye contact with a bored Santa, he'll charge.   We don't do Santa here, I've told the kids all along that it's a nice story that people like to tell at Christmas time, blah blah blah.  But that doesn't really make the holiday clown any less scary.  Lily was examining the castle set up in the middle of the mall--animatronic elves and bears, circa 1978.  Horrific.  Lily'd look at each thing, peering from behind me, and pronounce, "Well that's creepy."  Then we got to the front.  I told her there was nothing there but Santa, but she wanted to peek.  Clutching my hand, she peeped around me.  Santa saw her. 

"Why hello little girl!  Do you want to come see me?"  This was so far outside the realm of things that make ANY sense at all, that she didn't even respond.  Just stared. 
"Can I come see you?"  He started forward, holding a coloring book in front of him like someone trying to coax a wild animal to take a carrot.  Lily clutched my hand and stared.
He crouched down to her level, giving me the good view of his real mustache under his fake one.  Good look.  he offered Lily the book.  She shook her head. 
"Don't you like to color?"
"No," she squeaked (and lied).
"Would you like a candy cane?"
She relaxed "Sure." Proud moment.  I'm terrified of you, but if you give me candy, I'm yours!
He came back with the candy cane.  "So, what do you want me to bring your for Christmas?"
nothing.
"Don't you want me to bring you something?"
nothing.
"How about a dolly?  Do you want me to bring you a dolly?"
"Fine."
"Some clothes?  Puzzles?"
"I TOLD you you could just bring me a doll."
"Well I don't know what kind--A barbie?  A Bratz doll [you're supposed to be Santa, not Satan]? "
"Fine.  Bring me a Barbie."
"What else would you like?"
"Just a Barbie.  Just bring that."
"Oookay, I'll bring you that Barbie!"

I finally got her away and headed for pizza.  "You're not getting a Barbie, you know."  "That's okay.  I got a candy cane."

SOMEone's holiday won't be merry and bright...

There's this great Chris Rock joke that goes something like this: In every town there are two malls--the one where the white people shop, and the one where the white people used to shop.  I was at the second mall today.  And, to be fair, it was never a nice mall.  The floor is so uneven that one gets the impression that the builders just poured concrete in a corn field.  But now it has it's anchor stores, Boscov's and the Bon Ton (which smells like your grandma), and all else is...off.  There's the "Everything $4.77" store and "Deal or More Deal" and "Dolltown" (*shudder*) and my favorite, "Joey's 66 cent store."  And the Long John Silver makes the whole place smell like fish batter.  But it also has a shoe repair place and good mall pizza, so Lily and I were there to have our usual Friday pizza lunch and to pick up shoes we'd had re-soled. 

Here's what I heard in the bathroom stall next to mine:

(on a cell phone.  I hope) "Well there's a warrant out for your arrest, right?  When there's a warrant out for your arrest and you just walk into the courthouse and say there's a warrant out on you they put you in jail.....Yeah, so you're in jail for at least a few hours...He didn't tell you that?  Damn...."Yeah, go get it, I'll be here.  It's the POlice.  Jus' kiddin......Oh it IS?  Shit.  Well call me back when you can!"

yipes.

No catalogs at all today.  Time is running out folks.  Is all your shopping done?

We're 10 lbs lighter!

Not ME, of course.  I only take on weight.  I cannot bear to part with an ounce.  But as a family, we're lighter.  Mostly Ben.  We all got haircuts and Ben got the drama cut.  here's the crew, posing for a holiday card shot:



And here he was just a month or so ago:



Sigh.  the beautiful surfer-boy curls.  He seems to have given up hope of ever looking like Anakin Skywalker.  I am giving up hope of ever looking like Heidi Klum.  We all come to terms eventually.

Sweet sweet justice

TOP MODEL SPOILER
Sorry Andi



Yeah!  Taste it Melrose!  That is your punishment for needing "no 'issa'"!  Languish in mediocrity while our winner, the hilarious Carridee...well...languishes in mediocrity.  But she kicked YOUR ass. neener neener neener.

my brain hates me

This is the kind of crap my brain likes to pull at 2 am: I wake suddenly, I feel like I'd heard a thud from upstairs.  Kid falling out of bed?  Pause, listen for crying.  No crying.  Cool.

Brain: Unless there's no crying because the child has fallen in such a way as to be unconscious or worse.

Me: Shut up.  It was nothing.  I'm going back to sleep.

Brain:  Of course, now that I've warned you, if you go upstairs tomorrow to find your child's twisted body, you'll feel even MORE terrible, won't you?

Me: Stop it!  You know it's nothing, now let me sleep!

Brain: Yep, you're making it worse and worse for yourself.  Is your sleep more important than your children's lives?  If you go now, there's still time to call 911!

Me:  I hate you.

So tonight, I'll drink some wine while I watch the finale of Top Model (I'm voting Anyone But Melrose).   Maybe THAT will silence the voices.

Today: Plow and Hearth, Athleta (oh, poor catalog, how have you come to me, of all people?), and Mindware.

Oh, in case you were wondering

(lookit these TWICE a day entries.)  Yesterday I got only a Sierra Trading and a Land's End catalog.  But today:  Hanes, J. Crew, Sahalie, Solutions, Norm Thompson, L.L. Bean, Hanna Andersson,  Heifer International, and Living Arts.

Steve would like me to point out my vacuum post as a public service announcement.  The reason I got exactly what I wanted was b/c I ASKED for exactly what I wanted.  I did not hope he would read my mind, would know that my sighing at dust balls mean "I sure would like a Miele Orion vacumm cleaner."  As a well-trained boy, he would never, on his own, go by me cleaning supplies as a gift.  That way lies madness.  It's in the same neighborhood as "Does this make me look fat?" and we avoid that place at ALL times of day.  So.  Ladies (and Gents, for that matter), do not hope to get what you want simply by force of love.  He loves you plenty, but gifts scare him.  He's afraid of getting the wrong thing.  So just TELL him.  We now return you to your previously scheduled You Tube surfing.