Gone Croatan

Nice, I posted this days ago and never checked back.  Sadly, I'd posted it using Safari which hates me.  So, back with Firefox, which crashes, to try again.

I've moved house to the wordpress site.

Squid Ink, take two

don't be skeered

Like I'm one to talk.  Anyway.  We here at Squid Ink will be making a move soon.  Please to check out my current top options.  Weigh in with aesthetic concerns, experience with either blog-hosting site.

Six Gables

Squid Ink

Fun with Food!

Inspired by someone--an imaginary friend, I think?  (Whoever you were, sorry I forgot your contribution) We've started having a Cuisine of the Week.  Each week, we will have the foods of a different land.  Because on Monday I had to go to a meeting and needed to just throw some spaghetti on the table, we started with Italy.  I drew a map of Italy, showing the different regions and each night I've written the food we've had on the region from which it has come.  So Monday was plain ol' sketti with red sauce.  Thought to have originated in the central regions.  Tuesday night,  we had a broccoli and cheese risotto (northern Italy) and a tasty lentil dish I can no longer locate online. Lentil dishes were popularized by Roman Jews.  Wednesday night was parmesan polenta from Vento and a Tuscan Bean dish that was aMAZing for lunch two days later.  Thursday was a meeting day, too so we had pizza--Campania! (I know, American pizza is not Italian pizza.  But I was busy).  Tonight we had Sardinian hard boiled eggs (yum) and Pasta a la Norma from Sicily.  Also yum.  Tomorrow will be Gnocchi (Calabria region) al Pesto (Genova).  Next week we're only here two days.  I think we'll do two days of British food and then flee to a Thanksgiving feast.  Just like the Pilgrims.

ETA:  Yes, this does make me a cooler mom than you.  But you can do it too!  And the best thing is my kids are so much more willing to try new food this way.  Just like with Cheese Night.  On an ordinary night, if I'd said, "It's pasta with eggplant!" they'd have looked at me like I had utterly lost my mind.  But when I say "Pasta al a Norma is from Sicily, this little island that it appears that the boot is kicking!"  They're all "mmm, this is really good!"  Now, I wasn't able to get my non bean-eaters to eat beans or lentils, but they at least are trying the stuff and are game.  So lets see where this goes, shall we?

Well, it amuses me anyway

I'm aware that my seasonal tally of catalogs is tiresome to some.  But it does kind of boggle my mind just how many are out there, looking for ME.  And how they seem to have no idea who I am.

Yesterday:

The Company Store--linens.  so why that name that conjures up being unable to leave a job that is crushing your soul b/c you owe so much to the company store.  Is this a positive association to people?  And they also have "Company Kids" which is just too sad to contemplate.

Plow and Hearth--assorted crap.  page 3 has fleece socks.  Page 19 has chocolate hedgehogs (at long last!).  Page 40 has curtains.  53 has fireplace screens (HEARTH!),  page 66 has twee garden decor (PLOW!). page 71 has sleds.  So  little rhyme or reason. Polar fleece and plaid seem to be the unifying elements.

Eddie Bauer--You're too old for J. Crew.  Enjoy.

Duluth Pack--new one!  Rugged bags for rugged individuals.  The ones pictured in all my other catalogs, but residing not beneath my roof.

Catalog for Philanthropy--  yeeeah.  Oh, it's just a list of small charities, in case money is burning a hole in my pocket.  So that it can escape.

American Science and Surplus--best catalog since the old Archie McPhee changed over to glossy and lame.  www.sciplus.com  Enjoy!  Surely you need an inflatable moose head?

Brookstone--expensive crap you give to people you know nothing about.

Today's haul:

Herrington "The Enthusiast's Catalog"--never heard of it.  Enthusiasts of what, exactly?  According to the cover, clogs and watches.  Seriously weird catalog.  Bamboo towels, Merrell clogs, Masai warrior shoes, NASCAR hawaiian style shirts, Johnny Carson DVDs, puzzles...all I can figure is that it's for fogies.  that's the only common theme I can find.  Weird.

Sharper Image-- "I really have no taste and no interest in the recipients of my gifts.  All I care is that it be CLEAR that I spent a lot of money."

PBS Home Video--Because BBCAmerica can't run EVERY show ever shown in England.

2 identical copies of Sierra Trading Post--In case I mislaid the one from Monday.

Big ass Sears WishBook sized Land's End catalog--yeah, I only buy on clearance, and on-line, so save the tree, folks.

LLBean--see above

And oooo, bestfor last, The Noble Collection--It has this super complicated statue of Dumbledore on the front.  And a Lord of the Rings chess set on the back (hows THAT for a perfect convergence of nerdiness?)  I can't quite decide which irony I prefer--the fact that you can order The ONE Ring in silver or gold and there are, presumably, several for sale or the Spartan shield money clip.  You decide.

Geez, people...

It wasn't a HUGE difference from the last cut, but here I am, being fierce and rocking my pajamas:



But I can't believe Tash would say " Also, this summer, I accidentally turned my hair purple" and then complain that *I* had not photo to show.  Nigga pleez.

Fabulous Hair for Less

I've had quite the range of hair cut experiences.  from cutting my own or going to Steve's barber, all the way up to my last cut at the hands of Sam "Ed Scissorhands" Wong. Today, I ventured into the world of the beauty school.  It's my dirty little secret that I'd kind of love to be a hairdresser, but couldn't handle people flipping out on me.  So I was kind of psyched to visit The Temple, a Paul Mitchell beauty school.  It's in the old Masonic Lodge in downtown Frederick.  (Steve and I used to imagine how cool it would be to buy it and live in it.  It has something like 100k sq ft.  We decided that less than 2k is so much cozier.)  I'd had a couple of friends get cut there with good results and it's only 12 bucks, so hey!  It's only hair, right?  eek.

When I first arrived, I had to sign a release stating that I realize that this is a school, that the stylists are students.  They'll fix what goes wrong if they can, but you won't just get free color if you aren't happy.  So I signed away.  At the same time I was there, there was a mom and dad and 4 kids, two of them identical twin boys.  The oldest was a girl, about 7, 8 at the most.  She was discussing with her mom whether she could get color AND highlights or just highlights.  "No, we did that last time," said mom, "you have a good natural color now, so just do highlights."  oooookay.  And these weren't pageant parents, these were tattooed-and-pierced-and Harley be-buckled parents.  She was chomping her gum with her mouth open and swinging her feet and discussing her hair color.  It was cheezing me off.

Amanda came and rescued me and took me to her station.  She asked what I wanted in a cut and suggested I could get a partial highlight just to touch up my roots.  I agreed b/c it's only $27!  Then Thiery, her "learning leader" ("that's what they make us call teachers," she told me with an eyeroll) came over to see what her plan was. At first I thought, "Hooray!  a professional!" but by the end, I wanted to shoo Thiery away when he came by.   Leave my Amanda alone. They talked color and lifted my hair and matched it with stuff in a book and carried on.  I totally lovedfeeling like a wigstand on Shear Genius (bring it back, Bravo!!).  while she was foiling me (curses!), I was checking out the scene.

There was a clump of students around an older woman who had just come back from some classes in Florida about up-dos.  ("I've got to go to Florida next week.  Up-do classes."  fabulous)  She was using a student to demonstrate and nearly ripping the hair from her head.  I was reminded of those times on the band bus when the black girls would offer to french braid our hair.  They pulled like CRAZY and then told us that white girls were a bunch of babies.  Reparations have been met, my friends.  We paid in white girl scalp.  I commented to Amanda and she said, "Yeah, up-dos hurt.  If it's a good one, anyway.  If you want it to stay up all night, it has to hurt."  So consider yourselves warned.  In another corner, some girls were watching a student giving another student a hand massage.  Some others were practicing make-up.  It looked so FUN.  And knowing that there was surely lingo and in-jokes was just making my grad student senses tingle.  I need to infiltrate their culture!  Study and learn!  And pull hair!

Next to me was a black girl of about 10 who was getting her hair straightened.  It took forEVER.  And it looked better natural.  I wanted to sit her down and empower her, steer her from the Tyra path.  Beauty School Liberator!  Clearly, I'd gotten giddy.  When my 45 min processing was over, Amanda started my cut.  She didn't cut each hair individually, but neither did she karate chop my skull, so I consider that a wash.  And yes, I see the irony of telling the black child not to straighten and then turning right around and having my hair dyed a different color.  So stop being so damned smug.  You just wish YOU could pull off blonde, so neener.   While she was cutting, I grilled Amanda on the experience.   I thought that people who'd come to a school would likely be laid back about their hair, but NO, no, they flip out and get annoyed and then act surprised to learn that a student was cutting.  You sign a damned release, people.  Did you do that at MasterCuts?   She said that the management has had to toss people out.  Which cemented my decision not to suddenly go to beauty school.  Because I was darned close.  ANYway, the color looked great, the cut was very nice, the overall experience fun if lengthy.  I was there 2 hours and 45 min. Cost $39, no tipping allowed.  Woo! 

on aging bodies...

First, a fashion question:  What is up with the size 16 pants with a 34 inch inseam?  Where are all these enormous women?  I realize that Target comes out of Minnesota and they grow 'em big up there, but it's been nationwide long enough.  It's time to realize that most size 16s are not there because they're so very tall.  They're there because they like cookies.  Way to make us feel dumpy as well as fat.  Thanks!

Went to the doc today for hip pain.  I see a nurse practitioner, usually.  I called the office for the appt.  "Who do you see?"  "Elaine."  "Elaine hasn't worked here in over a year."  "Oh, um, whoever replaced Elaine?"  "Well, SHE's out on maternity leave."  "Okay, could I just have someone with qualified medical credentials?"  "I've got a spot with Emily, she's a Physician's Assistant."  So I saw Emily and she's about 15.  And not so much with the eye contact.  so I'm feeling really confident about her.  She thinks I have arthritis and sent me for an xray.  I also discovered that I weigh about 20 lbs more than I thought I did.  I'm at a 3rd trimester weight.  Which would explain those big ol' pants at Target.  I'm not really eating any differently.  "Oh, you're just getting older."  Yeah, I'm not Bea Arthur yet, fetus, so put your little Fisher Price stethoscope up yer pert little bum.  I want a second opinion.

ANTM blather.

We had a week off for a clip show.  We learned there that Bianca can walk full-on into a glass wall and that Jenah never really had the gift of styling her own hair, even before the stank ass weave.  So, this show starts with Sarah getting the loser edit.  We shall see... then off to the hot tub/pool, where Bianca talks about Heather as if she is not there.  But she is.  Bianca seems bitter that Heather just shows up and takes a gorgeous pic without trying.  Wah, no fair!  She cries, like one of my damned kids.  Heather, who is getting better with the eye contact b/c really, you cannot give the hairy eyeball without it and that girl NEEDS the hairy eyeball, points out that she thinks about how the photo is going to look and tries to create art with her body.  The other girls try to gently call Bianca on her stank attitude without turning it on themselves.  Bianca’s eyes roll around in her head like a quarter in one of those things where you drop a quarter down that big funnel and it goes round and round and round,  How’s THAT for a poetic metaphor?  

For todays lesson/ challenge, the girls head off to a studio where they put on flesh colored leotards and character shoes.  Tyra shows up and gives a modified version of Debbie Allen’s Fame speech.  Then she kind of mimes what she’s saying about learning how to move in a sexy way...it looks like learning impaired sign language.  She’s quite masterful.  And TOTALLY out of breath.  Her speech seems to have winded her and she’s gasping out the words as she teaches them a runway walk.  I cannot believe she lets this stuff air.  She teaches them angry sexy stomp and then coy flirty model and then model sliding down the wall.  Many of the girls (heather!) look more like they’ve been shot and are sliding down.  But really, they all look so weird in these body stockings that it’s hard to think of anything else.  They look like fingers.  Remember those gloves that had a face with hair and a hat on each finger?  Like that.  Without hats.  She teaches them to crawl sexily.  No, no she doesn’t.  She SAYS she does, but really it’s just odd.  And when Heather does it, it’s a little scary.  As Bianca rightly points out (oh no, I’m agreeing with Bianca!), Heather can do no wrong.  Tyra actually says that Heather has a “Tim Burtonesque sexuality.”  Seriously?  Like...Ed Wood?  I mean, because then I’m left with various scary but awesome Johnny Depp personas.

So then they’re off to shoot an Enrique Inglesias video.  He’s wicked cute, let’s just put that out there.  Lisa and Heather are chosen for featured roles.  Bianca is chosen to bitch about it.  I must say, Chantal’s belief in her “natural modeling ability” is quite touching.  She is, in fact, very pretty.  But her modeling hasn’t been all that impressive.  But she commits to rock her strips of latex in this video.  She fails, of course.  As one always does when one tells the camera that one is a natural talent.  Newton’s first law of hubris.  Elementary, really.  She’s been getting the Other Girl in the Bottom Two edit, btw.  I’m calling it here, Sarah and Chantal.  Sarah goes home.  Okay, continue.  

The big drama that we were previewed--the required by the FCC once a season medical emergency--was that Heather, who hadn’t eaten in 12 hours, gave out in the knees.  Snore. A real model can go MONTHS on nothing but cocaine and champagne. She did look hellish, but hey, that’s part of her Tim Burtonesque sexy, right?

Heading to panel, Chantal assures us that she will be in the bottom two.  By which I mean she assures us that she is in no danger at all.  But in panel, Nigel tells Sarah that she is “disappearing in front of us.”  That, my friends, is the death knell.  You can’t come back from that.  8 girls, 7 photos.  Tyra calls Lisa, Heather, Saleisha, Bianca, Ambreal, Jenah...and YES!  Who knows the editing? Sarah and Chantal are the bottom two.  Sarah--who, we are reminded, pulled a long paper booger out of her nose at casting--goes home to work out whether to be a plus sized model or a minus sized model.  Next week!  Nekkid Heather goes nutzoid!

It almost smells like gingerbread...

 Ah, Christmas time must be near because my mailbox is about to snap under the weight of the catalogs.  Today I got:

Garnet Hill (clothes I would love to buy if I were rich and thin instead of the opposite of those things)

Smith+noble (for people who dedicate a lot of thought to window "treatments."  I am not that gal.)

Metropolitan Museum of Art Store (for people unaware that you can buy all of the stuff in this catalog in other catalogs for a lot less money.  But it wouldn't be from the Met.)

Sierra Woman Traditions (one of many, many catalogs that Sierra Trading piles on me.  My job doesn't involve leaving the house, so I don't even open this one)

The Country House (why on EARTH am I getting this one?  What mailing list am I on that suggests that I would love to store my toilet brush in a replica of an outhouse?)

Woolrich (they have a catalog?  I don't own a yellow lab, so I don't open this one, either)

Constructive Playthings (cheap toys with many pieces.  Right into the ol' paper bin with this one)

Oriental Trading Beads (must. not. open. Must. Be. Strong!)

Land's End Men (Steve's not needing a whole lot of ties right now)

Beautyhabit Modern Lux Apothecary essentials (yeeeah.  I have no idea)

and, from the "friends of public radio," the Pretty Good Goods catalog (title tells you all you need to know.  could be called Twee Things.  Or Things that Make You Say "Oh, ho!  Now THAT is a clever oven mitt!")

Okay, that's all I have to say right now.  I have to put on my back brace and haul this lot to the recycling bin...

ETA:  Oh STOP it.  I accidentally looked into the prettygood goods catalog.  I expected the handblown glass ornaments of dogs, which can be labs, goldens, westies, or corgis (seriously), but THIS?

What time is it? It’s always now. Live in the moment and celebrate that fact with a “watch” devoid of hands, quartz movement, or day-date window. Instead, the face is an etched pebble, and the “jewels” are simply the sands of time

Oh, and it costs $50. 

That makes me want to punch somebody.

Cats! Dogs! New York! LA!

Halloween brings out one of those great cats vs dogs moments.   Dogs in costume say, "Am I a good dog now?"


Cats in costume say "I will kill you."



Guinea pigs in costume say "wheep?"

Oh Canada!

Project Runway fans:  You must go watch PR Canada.  The guys at projectrunway.blogspot.com have links to the show.  It is at least as good as the American version.  It only lacks dear Tim.  In place of Heidi, who distracts me with her loveliness (seriously, when she's on screen, all I can think is "it's not FAIR."), we have Iman.  Iman hates you.  She hates your design.  You should lick the sole of her shoe. No, wait, she does not want your untalented spit on her expensive pumps.  Get back, dog!  She scares the crap out of me.  I'm thinking of launching a "Save David Bowie" campaign.  I think she has him in a trunk wearing a ball gag.  But maybe he goes for that, who knows?  In addition to her, the Slice.ca website has blogs for each designer.  And they are not all nicey-nice, my friend. Sample Carlie:

They picked the worst collection on the stage to win. A collection of three outfits that in the most boring color palette. Diaper-like bubble skirts walking down the fucking runway. Those skirts were in fashion years ago, so to sit there and see the judges pick a collection that looked like that and was supposed to be innovative for Spring 2008 is a joke. Not to mention that the theme of military romantics has been done over and over again; I could vomit. Maybe the judges are too old fashioned to recognize true innovation when they see it.

So yeah.  A good read.


But I have a question...what is UP with Canadian hair?  We have facial hair problems, as in their notTim and his porn star look:



And then one of the judges is sporting the Lionel Ritchie:



Not to mention the regular hair troubles (mange?) that plauge designer Biddel:



You can't even see the weird crop circles that are on the sides of his head, bless his heart.  I'm thinking the Shear Genius crew has it's next assignment...

But get over there!  Watch!  Enjoy!

Happy Hallowe'en!

Ah, Halloween.  One of the primary reasons to bother having children.  Adult-only Halloween activities are creepy.  There's a seediness about them, a desperation.  Costumes seem to fall into three categories:  Sexy (devil with push-up bra), Gruesome (I think you know), and needlessly clever ("I'm a Freudian slip!  Get it?").  I understand and accept that this is the sort of activity societies always have, a loosening of social mores, an exploration of other identities, blah blah, where's my degree? but I still find them a bit oogy.  I prefer a Halloween with joyousness and silliness and it's easier to pull that off if you're entertaining kids.

I worked the car line today in my kitty hat and kitty tail :


The little kids loved it.  The middle schoolers thought it was funny.  The upper elementary kids could not BELIEVE I was such a dork.  They're the ones I said "meow!" to and chased with hairballs.  I told Julianna this morning that it was a really warm hat and maybe I'd just wear it as a winter hat.  Sadly, she doesn't embarrass easily yet.  But wait.   I will get revenge for all the times I carried a screaming child out of a store.  For the times I had to cover for "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?" For catching vomit in my hands.  Oh yes, revenge will be mine.

So this afternoon will be filled with hair and costuming, I imagine, since Julianna wants little knobs all over her head, sprayed purple.  Dani is coming home with her and I'll have to do her hair as well.  Lily wants silver hair.  Ben...Ben still has not settled on a costume.  The house looks great, if not a whole lot different from last year.  Which, apparently, I never blogged....Hm...Well, it looked like this last year:


and isn't a whole lot different today.  Those dia de los Muertos banners on the rail are now over the windows.  And there are lots of day of the dead skulls on strings hanging down.  We also have lots of red lights lining the walk this year, too.  It all looks bright and festive with our bright and festive house.  It pleases me. 

Even I'M tired of them

This last episode of ANTM wasn't really worth the full blog.  So I'll just make a couple of observations...

First, the horrible hair.  You know what these weaves look like?  Old Barbie hair.  Ebony and Jenah were having some stilted conversation and they both looked like Barbies that had been played with in the tub and then left to dry under the sink.


And now, word about Sarah.  Since I started watching this show, I have the occasional ANTM dream.  I’m in the cast, I’ve made it to, say, the top 8 or so.  I can’t believe it, I don’t know how I’ve made it b/c, let’s face it, I’m 40 years old and a size 16.  And I’ve had 3 kids.  But still they seem to like me. I’m under no illusion that I’ll win, but I’m doing okay.  That is Sarah.  What is she doing there? She’s pretty, okay, but she’s not stunning.  Her body is way to humanoid.  Yet, she remains.  She’s okay.  I doubt she’ll be there long, though. 
This week brought us an ANTM first!  It comes down to Ebony and Ambreal.  For reasons known only to Tyra’s spies who told her that Ebony has been saying she’d like to go home, Ebony gets a picture, which would send Ambreal home.  But Ebony says, “I want to go home”  And Tyra give her the “I hate a quitter so yeah, you can go” like Ebony had gravely disappointed her, but really?  It seems that Ebony really thought she wanted to be a model.  And then it turned out she didn’t like it.  So why the hating?  But Ambreal is not hating, she is thanking god, who apparently has a long straight wig and a tendency to chew on her lip.  I’m thinking that next week, it will be Sarah or Ambreal who goes home.  The week after will be which ever of those two is left.  Then Lisa or Chantal.  Then the other of those two.  Our final three will be Heather, Jenah, and either Bianca or Saleisha.  That could go either way at this point.  They really kind of owe Saleisha for that horrid hair cut.

X takes the square!

I think I want to be played by Paul Lynde in the movie of me.  Will it be a problem that he's dead?  I've always wanted to be the fun gay uncle.  I try to live that out down at Bev's.  I give NYC obsessed Molly tips on theater and fashion.  I gave Blair a drink of my cocktail when she begged ("Oh my gosh!  Blech!!!).  And I taught them how to say "Do you have a pencil?" in Latin.  Or so I thought.   My high school buddies that took Latin all said the classroom joke was to say Hab este penis? to Tali Johnson b/c she'd turn bright red.  And that it just meant "do you have a pencil?" or something similar.  But just now I went to a Latin translator and it was nothing of the sort.  So it turns out I'm the fun gay uncle that lies.  Which makes me even cooler, right?   Jerry is going to get a restraining order though.  First I taught them about the humor that lies within Uranus (snicker) and now this.  So, Latin scholars, help me out. Amy?

Isn't that one of your dad's friends?

One of my favorite old Emo Phillips gags goes a little like this:  I was walking in the park last week and I saw Billy, from my first grade class. I hadn't seen him since first grade and I ran over to him, shouting "BILLY!" and I clapped him on the back.  This knocked him down and he began to cry.  And then I realized, Billy would have grown up too.


Sometimes I forget that people who were cool young grownups when I was in college are now...old.  God help us, this is Morrissey (thanks to Pink is the New Blog):



Words (almost) fail me.  I was still picturing this guy:



(I tried to find this pic of him in a sheer, tight fitting top, touching his own nipples, but that's just not a Google search I can face).  But I imagine he's had the same 20 years that I have, eh?  Doesn't he totally look like he's about to yell at you, drunkenly, for denting the car?  I can smell the whiskey on his breath.  I imagine he starts to sound like a nasty version of the Lucky Charms leprechaun..."Oh aye, meat IS murrrder but there's no meat in ale, lassie!"  Oops, made him Scottish.  That's just where my head is now, I guess. Can't even do accents on the computer.  I can't quite convey how stunning I found these pictures.  I knew he was still performing.  And obviously people do age, but DAMN.  I just never really thought about it. 

Does he still do the poor waif routine?  Does this paunchy old dude really sing the same maudlin songs he sang at 25?  Because while it might have been a little bit cute then, it wouldn't be now.  If he's still singing Unlovable, well, it's time for meds.

"Last night I dreamt, somebody loved me....and left me some Cheez-its!"

Tags: rode hard and put up wet

largely model free

I realize that I haven't produced anything non-model related in some time.  I apologize for being to busy living my life to stop and tell you people about it.  Right.  Like I'm not sitting here reading lolsecrets and Mimi Smartypants.

So....what's new?  I actually got some sewing done.  I made one drop off at the store and never went back.  I have no idea if anything is selling or anything.  Here's my crap!  Later suckers!  So I made a couple of pillows out of cashmere sweaters that I found at the thrift (and that neither Julianna nor I could wear).  I'm making some Christmas throw pillows for people so very full of the season that the very pillows on the couch must reflect their joy.  I hope to get some aprons done...I found these really cute old aprons with fruit appliqued on them--brand new at Goodwill. I bought five of them.  I can't really just slap my tag on them and trot them in, so I need to scheme out a way to make them originals rather than just resale deadstock.  Or maybe I'll just make the tag really nice.  There's a store downtown that has expressed interest in my aprons and I really, really need to get in there.  Soon.   The laziness...it is so strong.

The Halloween count-down has commenced.  The girls are going to be "punks" along with Bev's girls.  It is very strange to have your child dress up as your childhood.  It must have been like this for my mom when I became obsessed with poodle skirts and pony tails.  Really kid?  Oookay.  The girls are kind of blurring the lines between 70s punk, 80s new wave, and 90s riot grrrl.  But eh, it's Halloween.  Plaid skirt, ripped up leggings with safety pins in and you're gold.  Ben is planning on being a Pokemon trainer.  As far as I can tell, they look like normal people but with odd hair and giant eyes.  So he's all set.

I'm currently reading the second "Outlander" book "Dragonfly in Amber."  They're juuuust this side of bodice rippers.  Just enough history to make you feel like you're learning something when you aren't imagining how very cute Jaimie must be.  Fans of men in kilts, you must get these.  You'll learn all about the Jacobite revolution in 1745.  Fans of the Jacobite revolution of 1745, you must get these.  Because I suspect your pickin's are slim.

We just watched the season finale of "Mad Men."  If you didn't watch it, get it on DVD when it comes out.  Really one of the best shows ever.  So well written, well acted and cool looking.  I can't stop worrying about some of the characters and I'm usually not nuts like that.

Current rodent count in my house: 2 pigs (dear Rosie and Gypsy.  They lives here.) 1 Resident hamster, Natalie.  2 foster hamsters, and 9 foster mice.  Yes, that's right, foster mice.  They are very cute, but the cats think we have lost. our. minds.

Okay, there.  ANTM is on tonight you know.

Not full yet?

I know, it’s like I just posted a recap!  But some nice person was super speedy this week in getting ANTM to youtube.  The sty-cam shows us that, like every other cast, the girls are slobs.  Janet takes on the naggy mom roll and tells them to “respect” the house and “be proactive.”  I’d leave crumbs in her bed for that.  Also, the mom girl always goes home.

And then the girls go to hell.  Really.  They go to some room full of gymnastic equipment.  Poisonous spiders?  No problem.  Lay in a grave right after my friend dies?  On it.  Look like a murder victim?  You betcha.  Uneven bars?  I give.  I’m going home, let Bianca have my crown.  Okay, it’s just a trampoline.  Benny Ninja is there, asking them to pose in mid-jump.  He’s every bit as helpful as anyone on this show ever is. Ambreal ROCKED it.  Heather, bless her, flailed like she was on fire.  Lisa, who gives lap dances to strangers, lacked the confidence to jump.  I love how they edit in music to give you an impression of each girl.  Heather’s flailing is that much more ridiculous with the circus music.  Ambreal is balletic with the tinkly fairie sprite music.

Today’s challenge--pose while being held up in the air by an ice skater.  He’s some olympic dude wearing a square of fake fur on his chin to cover up some horrid disfigurement, perhaps a tattoo that says “chin rides 5 cents”.  I will not accept that perhaps that is actual “beard” grown on purpose.  It’s the usual stupid crap--Show us “anger” while a little man twirls you!--until we get to Heather who, it would appear, has more gravity than everyone else.  She just won’t go air borne.  It’s kind of hilarious.  The girls asked to show “joy” are, not surprisingly, much better than those asked to show “anger” or “sorrow.”  Ebony’s “sorrow” is taken straight from a Keane painting of “puppies for sale.”  She’s not going to be around long.  She sucks out loud.  Lisa wins the shoot for Seventeen, even though she looked really awkward and weird.  The other girls are annoyed.  She picks Janet and Ebony to go with her.  Stock in Seventeen magazine plummets.

The girls come back from their shoot and the jealousy club grudingly greets them. Bianca, who is awesomeness in a crispy bitch package, says to Lisa “Is that makeup making you break out?”  Lisa was all “You hatin’?”  No honey, she was just trying to be helpful.  This prompts Lisa to give us our weekly dose of “I’m not here to make friends.”

The challenge is to pose as “high fashion gargoyles.”  When isn’t it, really?  Ambreal, suddenly getting all kinds of screen time, is afraid of heights.  The fact that her expression never changes suggests that she is on her way home.  Ebony proves herself to be some sort of idiot savant, utterly blank and bland until the camera starts clicking.  Sarah serves hamburgers.  She should sever Ozburgers instead.  They’re much more fierce.

Going to panel, my prediction for the bottom three is Ambreal, Janet, and Sarah.  Ambreal goes home.  Holy mike, Jenah’s weave has gone south quickly.  Real horrorshow.  Kind of a toss up as to whether she or Miss J has the worse hair...Ebony’s shot is “broken, but so right.”  Sure.  If only her gums weren’t so big, then she’d make the big time.  Mid-way through the panel, Tyra gets hungry.  She pokes at Lisa to see if she’s sad for any reason.  Jackpot!  nobody likes her!    All the other girls roll their eyes and smirk.  Lisa gets first photo though, so taste it beeyatches!  I was dead on with my final three! Woo!   Janet and Ambreal are our final two.  Oh, but they send Janet home.  Which is good b/c she isn’t very pretty or tall or talented.  But just think of what a rat hole that apartment is going to become without Janet around to nag...

And in lighter news...

I had this utterly brill, side splittingly hilarious post I wrote as I watched last week’s ANTM.  But I stupidly closed the window I was writing in before I’d saved.  GONE.  The upside is that I can tell you it was as funny as I want to and you’ll never. know.

so, to sum:  Do NOT sass Twiggy.  Just don’t.

I knew, by the one minute mark, that Victoria was going home.  That whole “meh, what the hell, I’ll be a model” attitude does not make Tyra happy.  She wants hungry.  Because she understands hungry.  The kiss of death, of course, was that she got hardly any makeover at all.  That’s always bad news.  They’ve sent someone home right after making them cry about their hair. Those tears will buy you at least one episode.  The other one who didn’t get much change was Heather, but I think that’s because they were afraid she’d go off on them with that Ozburger strength and just trash the place and rip out all the weaves.  All without making any eye contact.

To show the girls what their cuts will look like, they use this lame freeware “download your photo and see what you’d look like with a new cut!” program.  Stupid.  But now we know what they’d look like as Sims.  Which is nice.  It really looked like we weren’t going to get any tears for this makeover show.  Which is like, not acceptable. I mean, geez.  We’ve had not one melt down over nicotine withdraw and now no tears about the hair?  Janet goes from short brown hair to Pat Benetar.  Ambreal goes from really short hair to really really short hair.  Jenah gets the obligatory blonde weave that just looks kinda skanky at first and rapidly goes ratty.  Should get her booted, so all bets off HER for the final 3.  Unless they have pity on her like they did on that now nameless redhead from last season.  Lisa gets a short cut that highlights the fact that her hair is thinner than your grandma’s.  Ebony gets super long hair that will never be mistaken for her own.  But can I just say that getting a weave looks like it HURTS.  I shall now look at weave wearers with the same confused/pitying/contemptuous look I’d used for women in stilettos.  Saleisha got this weird puffy little dutch boy cut that makes her look like someone’s adopted Chinese daughter.  Chantal gets bangs.  And then, just when you thought we were going home dry, it turns out Bianca’s hair is too damaged to turn platinum blonde.  Pity, I know, b/c that’s such a classy look on a black woman.  Instead of giving her long blond hair?  They’re going to shave her head and give her a “medical grade” wig.  Really, has anything ever sounded as luxuriant as “medical grade?”  But damn her, she didn’t burst into tears.  So Jay’s all “How does that make you feel?  You look upset.”  Still, nothing!  So they call in Miss J, who actually whistles “Hush Little Baby” while dabbing Binaca’s eyes with a hanky and then holds it up, declaring it “soaked in model tear droplets”!  But Bianca, she just sat there.  That, my friends, is FIERCE.

She interviews that she thinks she looks ugly, but she looks a hundred times better.  Saliesha hates her hair, which shows that the mirrors are working.  Sarah loves her hair, which suggests maybe the opposite.  She went from being a pretty girl to a pretty mom.    So they have some dumb Cover Girl makeup challenge wearing Cover Girl makeup in their Cover Girl makeup stations.  They have to create a “dramatic eye paired with a glossy, nude lip.”  I’m assuming they have free reign to make the other eye hilarious and the other lip dull and over dressed.  Sarah wins.  Victoria, poor dear, was at a terrible disadvantage b/c they don’t wear make up at Yale.  Perhaps she should be studying the history of make up, huh?

The photo shoot is some silly thing where they pose as flowers.  Bianca is shown first, looking lovely.  Jay tells us how great she was on set and how sometimes you need a “complete emotional meltdown to build yourself up.”  So they totally did her a favor by shaving her head and taunting her!  Sweet!  Unfortunately at panel?  No one likes her shot.  So...whatever.  Likewise, Jay compliments Saliesha on rocking her Cousin Oliver look but at panel?  Nope.  Oh, and if you weren’t sure earlier, Victoria continues to go on about how silly high fashion modeling is (I know!) and how it doesn’t feel natural to her, blah blah blah...see ya.

So, you know, no drama at panel.  You know and I know it’s Victoria.  Especially after this classic exchange:

Twiggy:  I think it’s quite remarkable that you were given cactus because it’s quite prickly an---

Victoria:  Let’s get one thingstraight?  I don’t have a prickly disposition.

Good going!

I really thought the other one at the bottom would be Ebony, but it was Saliesha and her horrible hair.  Which had nothing on Jenah’s rat weave of horrors which was already disintegrating by the end of the show.  but Jenah was called first, so yay for her.  And Victoria was far from torn up about leaving.  Which is, of course, why she’s leaving.

And Miss J?   The ever growing afro?  Really, really stupid. 

today. Not my favorite.

Today is rather sucktastic.  Granted, it's all relative and given how it COULD have gone, it's okay.  At no point did I live in Africa, so that's a check in the positive column.  Bev and I were off to pick apples on a perfect fall day when I got in a rather nasty car accident.  No major injuries, none whatsoever to me or my kids, but the other driver flipped his car into the median.  And let me tell you, that is not a thing you want to see.  Again, as in the purple cow scenario, it is better to see than be, but still.  I really really don't think it was my fault, and Bev, who was behind me doesn't think so either, but another witness and the driver say it was, so I did get a ticket.  And that's just enough to have the niggling guilt eating at my gut.  I think he just got a bonk to the head--he did get up and walk away, but oy.  oy.  As for the rest of the day?  Well, I'll just say that if any of you were hanging on to AOL out of loyalty to us?  You needn't bother anymore.  Again, it's going to be fine, Steve has a gazillion ideas and smart friends with money, but still.  oy.  oy.  Today, she is ass.

lolkatz

Now you all know that I love me some lolcats.  Almost as much as the actual site, I love the offshoots and in jokes that come from it.    I just don't have the computer savvy to put my own together.  So here is a build-your-own.  Our new site is lolkatz.com:



Then you use this image:



And then we'll type " I bot a salami for ur son in the Ahmy.  But I eated it." 

use this font:



See?  We make our own fun.