The Original Squid Ink

Gone Croatan

2007-11-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

Nice, I posted this days ago and never checked back. Sadly, I'd posted it using Safari which hates me. So, back with Firefox, which crashes, to try again.

I've moved house to the wordpress site.

Squid Ink, take two

don't be skeered

2007-11-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

Like I'm one to talk. Anyway. We here at Squid Ink will be making a move soon. Please to check out my current top options. Weigh in with aesthetic concerns, experience with either blog-hosting site.

Six Gables

Squid Ink

Fun with Food!

2007-11-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

Inspired by someone--an imaginary friend, I think? (Whoever you were, sorry I forgot your contribution) We've started having a Cuisine of the Week. Each week, we will have the foods of a different land. Because on Monday I had to go to a meeting and needed to just throw some spaghetti on the table, we started with Italy. I drew a map of Italy, showing the different regions and each night I've written the food we've had on the region from which it has come. So Monday was plain ol' sketti with red sauce. Thought to have originated in the central regions. Tuesday night, we had a broccoli and cheese risotto (northern Italy) and a tasty lentil dish I can no longer locate online. Lentil dishes were popularized by Roman Jews. Wednesday night was parmesan polenta from Vento and a Tuscan Bean dish that was aMAZing for lunch two days later. Thursday was a meeting day, too so we had pizza--Campania! (I know, American pizza is not Italian pizza. But I was busy). Tonight we had Sardinian hard boiled eggs (yum) and Pasta a la Norma from Sicily. Also yum. Tomorrow will be Gnocchi (Calabria region) al Pesto (Genova). Next week we're only here two days. I think we'll do two days of British food and then flee to a Thanksgiving feast. Just like the Pilgrims.

ETA: Yes, this does make me a cooler mom than you. But you can do it too! And the best thing is my kids are so much more willing to try new food this way. Just like with Cheese Night. On an ordinary night, if I'd said, "It's pasta with eggplant!" they'd have looked at me like I had utterly lost my mind. But when I say "Pasta al a Norma is from Sicily, this little island that it appears that the boot is kicking!" They're all "mmm, this is really good!" Now, I wasn't able to get my non bean-eaters to eat beans or lentils, but they at least are trying the stuff and are game. So lets see where this goes, shall we?

Well, it amuses me anyway

2007-11-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm aware that my seasonal tally of catalogs is tiresome to some. But it does kind of boggle my mind just how many are out there, looking for ME. And how they seem to have no idea who I am.

Yesterday:

The Company Store--linens. so why that name that conjures up being unable to leave a job that is crushing your soul b/c you owe so much to the company store. Is this a positive association to people? And they also have "Company Kids" which is just too sad to contemplate.

Plow and Hearth--assorted crap. page 3 has fleece socks. Page 19 has chocolate hedgehogs (at long last!). Page 40 has curtains. 53 has fireplace screens (HEARTH!), page 66 has twee garden decor (PLOW!). page 71 has sleds. So little rhyme or reason. Polar fleece and plaid seem to be the unifying elements.

Eddie Bauer--You're too old for J. Crew. Enjoy.

Duluth Pack--new one! Rugged bags for rugged individuals. The ones pictured in all my other catalogs, but residing not beneath my roof.

Catalog for Philanthropy-- yeeeah. Oh, it's just a list of small charities, in case money is burning a hole in my pocket. So that it can escape.

American Science and Surplus--best catalog since the old Archie McPhee changed over to glossy and lame. www.sciplus.com Enjoy! Surely you need an inflatable moose head?

Brookstone--expensive crap you give to people you know nothing about.

Today's haul:

Herrington "The Enthusiast's Catalog"--never heard of it. Enthusiasts of what, exactly? According to the cover, clogs and watches. Seriously weird catalog. Bamboo towels, Merrell clogs, Masai warrior shoes, NASCAR hawaiian style shirts, Johnny Carson DVDs, puzzles...all I can figure is that it's for fogies. that's the only common theme I can find. Weird.

Sharper Image-- "I really have no taste and no interest in the recipients of my gifts. All I care is that it be CLEAR that I spent a lot of money."

PBS Home Video--Because BBCAmerica can't run EVERY show ever shown in England.

2 identical copies of Sierra Trading Post--In case I mislaid the one from Monday.

Big ass Sears WishBook sized Land's End catalog--yeah, I only buy on clearance, and on-line, so save the tree, folks.

LLBean--see above

And oooo, bestfor last, The Noble Collection--It has this super complicated statue of Dumbledore on the front. And a Lord of the Rings chess set on the back (hows THAT for a perfect convergence of nerdiness?) I can't quite decide which irony I prefer--the fact that you can order The ONE Ring in silver or gold and there are, presumably, several for sale or the Spartan shield money clip. You decide.

Geez, people...

2007-11-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

It wasn't a HUGE difference from the last cut, but here I am, being fierce and rocking my pajamas:

But I can't believe Tash would say " Also, this summer, I accidentally turned my hair purple" and then complain that *I* had not photo to show. Nigga pleez.

Fabulous Hair for Less

2007-11-13T16:29:00.000-08:00

I've had quite the range of hair cut experiences. from cutting my own or going to Steve's barber, all the way up to my last cut at the hands of Sam "Ed Scissorhands" Wong. Today, I ventured into the world of the beauty school. It's my dirty little secret that I'd kind of love to be a hairdresser, but couldn't handle people flipping out on me. So I was kind of psyched to visit The Temple, a Paul Mitchell beauty school. It's in the old Masonic Lodge in downtown Frederick. (Steve and I used to imagine how cool it would be to buy it and live in it. It has something like 100k sq ft. We decided that less than 2k is so much cozier.) I'd had a couple of friends get cut there with good results and it's only 12 bucks, so hey! It's only hair, right? eek.

When I first arrived, I had to sign a release stating that I realize that this is a school, that the stylists are students. They'll fix what goes wrong if they can, but you won't just get free color if you aren't happy. So I signed away. At the same time I was there, there was a mom and dad and 4 kids, two of them identical twin boys. The oldest was a girl, about 7, 8 at the most. She was discussing with her mom whether she could get color AND highlights or just highlights. "No, we did that last time," said mom, "you have a good natural color now, so just do highlights." oooookay. And these weren't pageant parents, these were tattooed-and-pierced-and Harley be-buckled parents. She was chomping her gum with her mouth open and swinging her feet and discussing her hair color. It was cheezing me off.

Amanda came and rescued me and took me to her station. She asked what I wanted in a cut and suggested I could get a partial highlight just to touch up my roots. I agreed b/c it's only $27! Then Thiery, her "learning leader" ("that's what they make us call teachers," she told me with an eyeroll) came over to see what her plan was. At first I thought, "Hooray! a professional!" but by the end, I wanted to shoo Thiery away when he came by. Leave my Amanda alone. They talked color and lifted my hair and matched it with stuff in a book and carried on. I totally lovedfeeling like a wigstand on Shear Genius (bring it back, Bravo!!). while she was foiling me (curses!), I was checking out the scene.

There was a clump of students around an older woman who had just come back from some classes in Florida about up-dos. ("I've got to go to Florida next week. Up-do classes." fabulous) She was using a student to demonstrate and nearly ripping the hair from her head. I was reminded of those times on the band bus when the black girls would offer to french braid our hair. They pulled like CRAZY and then told us that white girls were a bunch of babies. Reparations have been met, my friends. We paid in white girl scalp. I commented to Amanda and she said, "Yeah, up-dos hurt. If it's a good one, anyway. If you want it to stay up all night, it has to hurt." So consider yourselves warned. In another corner, some girls were watching a student giving another student a hand massage. Some others were practicing make-up. It looked so FUN. And knowing that there was surely lingo and in-jokes was just making my grad student senses tingle. I need to infiltrate their culture! Study and learn! And pull hair!

Next to me was a black girl of about 10 who was getting her hair straightened. It took forEVER. And it looked better natural. I wanted to sit her down and empower her, steer her from the Tyra path. Beauty School Liberator! Clearly, I'd gotten giddy. When my 45 min processing was over, Amanda started my cut. She didn't cut each hair individually, but neither did she karate chop my skull, so I consider that a wash. And yes, I see the irony of telling the black child not to straighten and then turning right around and having my hair dyed a different color. So stop being so damned smug. You just wish YOU could pull off blonde, so neener. While she was cutting, I grilled Amanda on the experience. I thought that people who'd come to a school would likely be laid back about their hair, but NO, no, they flip out and get annoyed and then act surprised to learn that a student was cutting. You sign a damned release, people. Did you do that at MasterCuts? She said that the management has had to toss people out. Which cemented my decision not to suddenly go to beauty school. Because I was darned close. ANYway, the color looked great, the cut was very nice, the overall experience fun if lengthy. I was there 2 hours and 45 min. Cost $39, no tipping allowed. Woo!

on aging bodies...

2007-11-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

First, a fashion question: What is up with the size 16 pants with a 34 inch inseam? Where are all these enormous women? I realize that Target comes out of Minnesota and they grow 'em big up there, but it's been nationwide long enough. It's time to realize that most size 16s are not there because they're so very tall. They're there because they like cookies. Way to make us feel dumpy as well as fat. Thanks!

Went to the doc today for hip pain. I see a nurse practitioner, usually. I called the office for the appt. "Who do you see?" "Elaine." "Elaine hasn't worked here in over a year." "Oh, um, whoever replaced Elaine?" "Well, SHE's out on maternity leave." "Okay, could I just have someone with qualified medical credentials?" "I've got a spot with Emily, she's a Physician's Assistant." So I saw Emily and she's about 15. And not so much with the eye contact. so I'm feeling really confident about her. She thinks I have arthritis and sent me for an xray. I also discovered that I weigh about 20 lbs more than I thought I did. I'm at a 3rd trimester weight. Which would explain those big ol' pants at Target. I'm not really eating any differently. "Oh, you're just getting older." Yeah, I'm not Bea Arthur yet, fetus, so put your little Fisher Price stethoscope up yer pert little bum. I want a second opinion.

ANTM blather.

2007-11-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

We had a week off for a clip show. We learned there that Bianca can walk full-on into a glass wall and that Jenah never really had the gift of styling her own hair, even before the stank ass weave. So, this show starts with Sarah getting the loser edit. We shall see... then off to the hot tub/pool, where Bianca talks about Heather as if she is not there. But she is. Bianca seems bitter that Heather just shows up and takes a gorgeous pic without trying. Wah, no fair! She cries, like one of my damned kids. Heather, who is getting better with the eye contact b/c really, you cannot give the hairy eyeball without it and that girl NEEDS the hairy eyeball, points out that she thinks about how the photo is going to look and tries to create art with her body. The other girls try to gently call Bianca on her stank attitude without turning it on themselves. Bianca’s eyes roll around in her head like a quarter in one of those things where you drop a quarter down that big funnel and it goes round and round and round, How’s THAT for a poetic metaphor?

For todays lesson/ challenge, the girls head off to a studio where they put on flesh colored leotards and character shoes. Tyra shows up and gives a modified version of Debbie Allen’s Fame speech. Then she kind of mimes what she’s saying about learning how to move in a sexy way...it looks like learning impaired sign language. She’s quite masterful. And TOTALLY out of breath. Her speech seems to have winded her and she’s gasping out the words as she teaches them a runway walk. I cannot believe she lets this stuff air. She teaches them angry sexy stomp and then coy flirty model and then model sliding down the wall. Many of the girls (heather!) look more like they’ve been shot and are sliding down. But really, they all look so weird in these body stockings that it’s hard to think of anything else. They look like fingers. Remember those gloves that had a face with hair and a hat on each finger? Like that. Without hats. She teaches them to crawl sexily. No, no she doesn’t. She SAYS she does, but really it’s just odd. And when Heather does it, it’s a little scary. As Bianca rightly points out (oh no, I’m agreeing with Bianca!), Heather can do no wrong. Tyra actually says that Heather has a “Tim Burtonesque sexuality.” Seriously? Like...Ed Wood? I mean, because then I’m left with various scary but awesome Johnny Depp personas.

So then they’re off to shoot an Enrique Inglesias video. He’s wicked cute, let’s just put that out there. Lisa and Heather are chosen for featured roles. Bianca is chosen to bitch about it. I must say, Chantal’s belief in her “natural modeling ability” is quite touching. She is, in fact, very pretty. But her modeling hasn’t been all that impressive. But she commits to rock her strips of latex in this video. She fails, of course. As one always does when one tells the camera that one is a natural talent. Newton’s first law of hubris. Elementary, really. She’s been getting the Other Girl in the Bottom Two edit, btw. I’m calling it here, Sarah and Chantal. Sarah goes home. Okay, continue.

The big drama that we were previewed--the required by the FCC once a season medical emergency--was that Heather, who hadn’t eaten in 12 hours, gave out in the knees. Snore. A real model can go MONTHS on nothing but cocaine and champagne. She did look hellish, but hey, that’s part of her Tim Burtonesque sexy, right?

Heading to panel, Chantal assures us that she will be in the bottom two. By which I mean she assures us that she is in no danger at all. But in panel, Nigel tells Sarah that she is “disappearing in front of us.” That, my friends, is the death knell. You can’t come back from that. 8 girls, 7 photos. Tyra calls Lisa, Heather, Saleisha, Bianca, Ambreal, Jenah...and YES! Who knows the editing? Sarah and Chantal are the bottom two. Sarah--who, we are reminded, pulled a long paper booger out of her nose at casting--goes home to work out whether to be a plus sized model or a minus sized model. Next week! Nekkid Heather goes nutzoid!

It almost smells like gingerbread...

2007-11-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

Ah, Christmas time must be near because my mailbox is about to snap under the weight of the catalogs. Today I got:

Garnet Hill (clothes I would love to buy if I were rich and thin instead of the opposite of those things)

Smith+noble (for people who dedicate a lot of thought to window "treatments." I am not that gal.)

Metropolitan Museum of Art Store (for people unaware that you can buy all of the stuff in this catalog in other catalogs for a lot less money. But it wouldn't be from the Met.)

Sierra Woman Traditions (one of many, many catalogs that Sierra Trading piles on me. My job doesn't involve leaving the house, so I don't even open this one)

The Country House (why on EARTH am I getting this one? What mailing list am I on that suggests that I would love to store my toilet brush in a replica of an outhouse?)

Woolrich (they have a catalog? I don't own a yellow lab, so I don't open this one, either)

Constructive Playthings (cheap toys with many pieces. Right into the ol' paper bin with this one)

Oriental Trading Beads (must. not. open. Must. Be. Strong!)

Land's End Men (Steve's not needing a whole lot of ties right now)

Beautyhabit Modern Lux Apothecary essentials (yeeeah. I have no idea)

and, from the "friends of public radio," the Pretty Good Goods catalog (title tells you all you need to know. could be called Twee Things. Or Things that Make You Say "Oh, ho! Now THAT is a clever oven mitt!")

Okay, that's all I have to say right now. I have to put on my back brace and haul this lot to the recycling bin...

ETA: Oh STOP it. I accidentally looked into the prettygood goods catalog. I expected the handblown glass ornaments of dogs, which can be labs, goldens, westies, or corgis (seriously), but THIS?

What time is it? It’s always now. Live in the moment and celebrate thatfact with a “watch” devoid of hands, quartz movement, or day-datewindow. Instead, the face is an etched pebble, and the “jewels” aresimply the sands of time

Oh, and it costs $50.

That makes me want to punch somebody.

Cats! Dogs! New York! LA!

2007-11-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

Halloween brings out one of those great cats vs dogs moments. Dogs in costume say, "Am I a good dog now?"

Cats in costume say "I will kill you."

Guinea pigs in costume say "wheep?"

Oh Canada!

2007-10-31T11:36:00.000-07:00

Project Runway fans: You must go watch PR Canada. The guys at projectrunway.blogspot.com have links to the show. It is at least as good as the American version. It only lacks dear Tim. In place of Heidi, who distracts me with her loveliness (seriously, when she's on screen, all I can think is "it's not FAIR."), we have Iman. Iman hates you. She hates your design. You should lick the sole of her shoe. No, wait, she does not want your untalented spit on her expensive pumps. Get back, dog! She scares the crap out of me. I'm thinking of launching a "Save David Bowie" campaign. I think she has him in a trunk wearing a ball gag. But maybe he goes for that, who knows? In addition to her, the Slice.ca website has blogs for each designer. And they are not all nicey-nice, my friend. Sample Carlie:

They picked the worst collection on the stage to win. A collection ofthree outfits that in the most boring color palette. Diaper-like bubbleskirts walking down the fucking runway. Those skirts were in fashionyears ago, so to sit there and see the judges pick a collection thatlooked like that and was supposed to be innovative for Spring 2008 is ajoke. Not to mention that the theme of military romantics has been doneover and over again; I could vomit. Maybe the judges are too oldfashioned to recognize true innovation when they see it.

So yeah. A good read.

But I have a question...what is UP with Canadian hair? We have facial hair problems, as in their notTim and his porn star look:

And then one of the judges is sporting the Lionel Ritchie:

Not to mention the regular hair troubles (mange?) that plauge designer Biddel:

You can't even see the weird crop circles that are on the sides of his head, bless his heart. I'm thinking the Shear Genius crew has it's next assignment...

But get over there! Watch! Enjoy!

Happy Hallowe'en!

2007-10-31T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ah, Halloween. One of the primary reasons to bother having children. Adult-only Halloween activities are creepy. There's a seediness about them, a desperation. Costumes seem to fall into three categories: Sexy (devil with push-up bra), Gruesome (I think you know), and needlessly clever ("I'm a Freudian slip! Get it?"). I understand and accept that this is the sort of activity societies always have, a loosening of social mores, an exploration of other identities, blah blah, where's my degree? but I still find them a bit oogy. I prefer a Halloween with joyousness and silliness and it's easier to pull that off if you're entertaining kids.

I worked the car line today in my kitty hat and kitty tail :

The little kids loved it. The middle schoolers thought it was funny. The upper elementary kids could not BELIEVE I was such a dork. They're the ones I said "meow!" to and chased with hairballs. I told Julianna this morning that it was a really warm hat and maybe I'd just wear it as a winter hat. Sadly, she doesn't embarrass easily yet. But wait. I will get revenge for all the times I carried a screaming child out of a store. For the times I had to cover for "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?" For catching vomit in my hands. Oh yes, revenge will be mine.

So this afternoon will be filled with hair and costuming, I imagine, since Julianna wants little knobs all over her head, sprayed purple. Dani is coming home with her and I'll have to do her hair as well. Lily wants silver hair. Ben...Ben still has not settled on a costume. The house looks great, if not a whole lot different from last year. Which, apparently, I never blogged....Hm...Well, it looked like this last year:

and isn't a whole lot different today. Those dia de los Muertos banners on the rail are now over the windows. And there are lots of day of the dead skulls on strings hanging down. We also have lots of red lights lining the walk this year, too. It all looks bright and festive with our bright and festive house. It pleases me.

Even I'M tired of them

2007-10-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

This last episode of ANTM wasn't really worth the full blog. So I'll just make a couple of observations...

First, the horrible hair. You know what these weaves look like? Old Barbie hair. Ebony and Jenah were having some stilted conversation and they both looked like Barbies that had been played with in the tub and then left to dry under the sink.

And now, word about Sarah. Since I started watching this show, I have the occasional ANTM dream. I’m in the cast, I’ve made it to, say, the top 8 or so. I can’t believe it, I don’t know how I’ve made it b/c, let’s face it, I’m 40 years old and a size 16. And I’ve had 3 kids. But still they seem to like me. I’m under no illusion that I’ll win, but I’m doing okay. That is Sarah. What is she doing there? She’s pretty, okay, but she’s not stunning. Her body is way to humanoid. Yet, she remains. She’s okay. I doubt she’ll be there long, though.
This week brought us an ANTM first! It comes down to Ebony and Ambreal. For reasons known only to Tyra’s spies who told her that Ebony has been saying she’d like to go home, Ebony gets a picture, which would send Ambreal home. But Ebony says, “I want to go home” And Tyra give her the “I hate a quitter so yeah, you can go” like Ebony had gravely disappointed her, but really? It seems that Ebony really thought she wanted to be a model. And then it turned out she didn’t like it. So why the hating? But Ambreal is not hating, she is thanking god, who apparently has a long straight wig and a tendency to chew on her lip. I’m thinking that next week, it will be Sarah or Ambreal who goes home. The week after will be which ever of those two is left. Then Lisa or Chantal. Then the other of those two. Our final three will be Heather, Jenah, and either Bianca or Saleisha. That could go either way at this point. They really kind of owe Saleisha for that horrid hair cut.

X takes the square!

2007-10-25T19:16:00.000-07:00

I think I want to be played by Paul Lynde in the movie of me. Will it be a problem that he's dead? I've always wanted to be the fun gay uncle. I try to live that out down at Bev's. I give NYC obsessed Molly tips on theater and fashion. I gave Blair a drink of my cocktail when she begged ("Oh my gosh! Blech!!!). And I taught them how to say "Do you have a pencil?" in Latin. Or so I thought. My high school buddies that took Latin all said the classroom joke was to say Hab este penis? to Tali Johnson b/c she'd turn bright red. And that it just meant "do you have a pencil?" or something similar. But just now I went to a Latin translator and it was nothing of the sort. So it turns out I'm the fun gay uncle that lies. Which makes me even cooler, right? Jerry is going to get a restraining order though. First I taught them about the humor that lies within Uranus (snicker) and now this. So, Latin scholars, help me out. Amy?

Isn't that one of your dad's friends?

2007-10-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite old Emo Phillips gags goes a little like this: I was walking in the park last week and I saw Billy, from my first grade class. I hadn't seen him since first grade and I ran over to him, shouting "BILLY!" and I clapped him on the back. This knocked him down and he began to cry. And then I realized, Billy would have grown up too.

Sometimes I forget that people who were cool young grownups when I was in college are now...old. God help us, this is Morrissey (thanks to Pink is the New Blog):

Words (almost) fail me. I was still picturing this guy:

(I tried to find this pic of him in a sheer, tight fitting top, touching his own nipples, but that's just not a Google search I can face). But I imagine he's had the same 20 years that I have, eh? Doesn't he totally look like he's about to yell at you, drunkenly, for denting the car? I can smell the whiskey on his breath. I imagine he starts to sound like a nasty version of the Lucky Charms leprechaun..."Oh aye, meat IS murrrder but there's no meat in ale, lassie!" Oops, made him Scottish. That's just where my head is now, I guess. Can't even do accents on the computer. I can't quite convey how stunning I found these pictures. I knew he was still performing. And obviously people do age, but DAMN. I just never really thought about it.

Does he still do the poor waif routine? Does this paunchy old dude really sing the same maudlin songs he sang at 25? Because while it might have been a little bit cute then, it wouldn't be now. If he's still singing Unlovable, well, it's time for meds.

"Last night I dreamt, somebody loved me....and left me some Cheez-its!"

Tags: rode hard and put up wet

largely model free

2007-10-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

I realize that I haven't produced anything non-model related in some time. I apologize for being to busy living my life to stop and tell you people about it. Right. Like I'm not sitting here reading lolsecrets and Mimi Smartypants.

So....what's new? I actually got some sewing done. I made one drop off at the store and never went back. I have no idea if anything is selling or anything. Here's my crap! Later suckers! So I made a couple of pillows out of cashmere sweaters that I found at the thrift (and that neither Julianna nor I could wear). I'm making some Christmas throw pillows for people so very full of the season that the very pillows on the couch must reflect their joy. I hope to get some aprons done...I found these really cute old aprons with fruit appliqued on them--brand new at Goodwill. I bought five of them. I can't really just slap my tag on them and trot them in, so I need to scheme out a way to make them originals rather than just resale deadstock. Or maybe I'll just make the tag really nice. There's a store downtown that has expressed interest in my aprons and I really, really need to get in there. Soon. The laziness...it is so strong.

The Halloween count-down has commenced. The girls are going to be "punks" along with Bev's girls. It is very strange to have your child dress up as your childhood. It must have been like this for my mom when I became obsessed with poodle skirts and pony tails. Really kid? Oookay. The girls are kind of blurring the lines between 70s punk, 80s new wave, and 90s riot grrrl. But eh, it's Halloween. Plaid skirt, ripped up leggings with safety pins in and you're gold. Ben is planning on being a Pokemon trainer. As far as I can tell, they look like normal people but with odd hair and giant eyes. So he's all set.

I'm currently reading the second "Outlander" book "Dragonfly in Amber." They're juuuust this side of bodice rippers. Just enough history to make you feel like you're learning something when you aren't imagining how very cute Jaimie must be. Fans of men in kilts, you must get these. You'll learn all about the Jacobite revolution in 1745. Fans of the Jacobite revolution of 1745, you must get these. Because I suspect your pickin's are slim.

We just watched the season finale of "Mad Men." If you didn't watch it, get it on DVD when it comes out. Really one of the best shows ever. So well written, well acted and cool looking. I can't stop worrying about some of the characters and I'm usually not nuts like that.

Current rodent count in my house: 2 pigs (dear Rosie and Gypsy. They lives here.) 1 Resident hamster, Natalie. 2 foster hamsters, and 9 foster mice. Yes, that's right, foster mice. They are very cute, but the cats think we have lost. our. minds.

Okay, there. ANTM is on tonight you know.

Not full yet?

2007-10-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

I know, it’s like I just posted a recap! But some nice person was super speedy this week in getting ANTM to youtube. The sty-cam shows us that, like every other cast, the girls are slobs. Janet takes on the naggy mom roll and tells them to “respect” the house and “be proactive.” I’d leave crumbs in her bed for that. Also, the mom girl always goes home.

And then the girls go to hell. Really. They go to some room full of gymnastic equipment. Poisonous spiders? No problem. Lay in a grave right after my friend dies? On it. Look like a murder victim? You betcha. Uneven bars? I give. I’m going home, let Bianca have my crown. Okay, it’s just a trampoline. Benny Ninja is there, asking them to pose in mid-jump. He’s every bit as helpful as anyone on this show ever is. Ambreal ROCKED it. Heather, bless her, flailed like she was on fire. Lisa, who gives lap dances to strangers, lacked the confidence to jump. I love how they edit in music to give you an impression of each girl. Heather’s flailing is that much more ridiculous with the circus music. Ambreal is balletic with the tinkly fairie sprite music.

Today’s challenge--pose while being held up in the air by an ice skater. He’s some olympic dude wearing a square of fake fur on his chin to cover up some horrid disfigurement, perhaps a tattoo that says “chin rides 5 cents”. I will not accept that perhaps that is actual “beard” grown on purpose. It’s the usual stupid crap--Show us “anger” while a little man twirls you!--until we get to Heather who, it would appear, has more gravity than everyone else. She just won’t go air borne. It’s kind of hilarious. The girls asked to show “joy” are, not surprisingly, much better than those asked to show “anger” or “sorrow.” Ebony’s “sorrow” is taken straight from a Keane painting of “puppies for sale.” She’s not going to be around long. She sucks out loud. Lisa wins the shoot for Seventeen, even though she looked really awkward and weird. The other girls are annoyed. She picks Janet and Ebony to go with her. Stock in Seventeen magazine plummets.

The girls come back from their shoot and the jealousy club grudingly greets them. Bianca, who is awesomeness in a crispy bitch package, says to Lisa “Is that makeup making you break out?” Lisa was all “You hatin’?” No honey, she was just trying to be helpful. This prompts Lisa to give us our weekly dose of “I’m not here to make friends.”

The challenge is to pose as “high fashion gargoyles.” When isn’t it, really? Ambreal, suddenly getting all kinds of screen time, is afraid of heights. The fact that her expression never changes suggests that she is on her way home. Ebony proves herself to be some sort of idiot savant, utterly blank and bland until the camera starts clicking. Sarah serves hamburgers. She should sever Ozburgers instead. They’re much more fierce.

Going to panel, my prediction for the bottom three is Ambreal, Janet, and Sarah. Ambreal goes home. Holy mike, Jenah’s weave has gone south quickly. Real horrorshow. Kind of a toss up as to whether she or Miss J has the worse hair...Ebony’s shot is “broken, but so right.” Sure. If only her gums weren’t so big, then she’d make the big time. Mid-way through the panel, Tyra gets hungry. She pokes at Lisa to see if she’s sad for any reason. Jackpot! nobody likes her! All the other girls roll their eyes and smirk. Lisa gets first photo though, so taste it beeyatches! I was dead on with my final three! Woo! Janet and Ambreal are our final two. Oh, but they send Janet home. Which is good b/c she isn’t very pretty or tall or talented. But just think of what a rat hole that apartment is going to become without Janet around to nag...

And in lighter news...

2007-10-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

I had this utterly brill, side splittingly hilarious post I wrote as I watched last week’s ANTM. But I stupidly closed the window I was writing in before I’d saved. GONE. The upside is that I can tell you it was as funny as I want to and you’ll never. know.

so, to sum: Do NOT sass Twiggy. Just don’t.

I knew, by the one minute mark, that Victoria was going home. That whole “meh, what the hell, I’ll be a model” attitude does not make Tyra happy. She wants hungry. Because she understands hungry. The kiss of death, of course, was that she got hardly any makeover at all. That’s always bad news. They’ve sent someone home right after making them cry about their hair. Those tears will buy you at least one episode. The other one who didn’t get much change was Heather, but I think that’s because they were afraid she’d go off on them with that Ozburger strength and just trash the place and rip out all the weaves. All without making any eye contact.

To show the girls what their cuts will look like, they use this lame freeware “download your photo and see what you’d look like with a new cut!” program. Stupid. But now we know what they’d look like as Sims. Which is nice. It really looked like we weren’t going to get any tears for this makeover show. Which is like, not acceptable. I mean, geez. We’ve had not one melt down over nicotine withdraw and now no tears about the hair? Janet goes from short brown hair to Pat Benetar. Ambreal goes from really short hair to really really short hair. Jenah gets the obligatory blonde weave that just looks kinda skanky at first and rapidly goes ratty. Should get her booted, so all bets off HER for the final 3. Unless they have pity on her like they did on that now nameless redhead from last season. Lisa gets a short cut that highlights the fact that her hair is thinner than your grandma’s. Ebony gets super long hair that will never be mistaken for her own. But can I just say that getting a weave looks like it HURTS. I shall now look at weave wearers with the same confused/pitying/contemptuous look I’d used for women in stilettos. Saleisha got this weird puffy little dutch boy cut that makes her look like someone’s adopted Chinese daughter. Chantal gets bangs. And then, just when you thought we were going home dry, it turns out Bianca’s hair is too damaged to turn platinum blonde. Pity, I know, b/c that’s such a classy look on a black woman. Instead of giving her long blond hair? They’re going to shave her head and give her a “medical grade” wig. Really, has anything ever sounded as luxuriant as “medical grade?” But damn her, she didn’t burst into tears. So Jay’s all “How does that make you feel? You look upset.” Still, nothing! So they call in Miss J, who actually whistles “Hush Little Baby” while dabbing Binaca’s eyes with a hanky and then holds it up, declaring it “soaked in model tear droplets”! But Bianca, she just sat there. That, my friends, is FIERCE.

She interviews that she thinks she looks ugly, but she looks a hundred times better. Saliesha hates her hair, which shows that the mirrors are working. Sarah loves her hair, which suggests maybe the opposite. She went from being a pretty girl to a pretty mom. So they have some dumb Cover Girl makeup challenge wearing Cover Girl makeup in their Cover Girl makeup stations. They have to create a “dramatic eye paired with a glossy, nude lip.” I’m assuming they have free reign to make the other eye hilarious and the other lip dull and over dressed. Sarah wins. Victoria, poor dear, was at a terrible disadvantage b/c they don’t wear make up at Yale. Perhaps she should be studying the history of make up, huh?

The photo shoot is some silly thing where they pose as flowers. Bianca is shown first, looking lovely. Jay tells us how great she was on set and how sometimes you need a “complete emotional meltdown to build yourself up.” So they totally did her a favor by shaving her head and taunting her! Sweet! Unfortunately at panel? No one likes her shot. So...whatever. Likewise, Jay compliments Saliesha on rocking her Cousin Oliver look but at panel? Nope. Oh, and if you weren’t sure earlier, Victoria continues to go on about how silly high fashion modeling is (I know!) and how it doesn’t feel natural to her, blah blah blah...see ya.

So, you know, no drama at panel. You know and I know it’s Victoria. Especially after this classic exchange:

Twiggy: I think it’s quite remarkable that you were given cactus because it’s quite prickly an---

Victoria: Let’s get one thingstraight? I don’t have a prickly disposition.

Good going!

I really thought the other one at the bottom would be Ebony, but it was Saliesha and her horrible hair. Which had nothing on Jenah’s rat weave of horrors which was already disintegrating by the end of the show. but Jenah was called first, so yay for her. And Victoria was far from torn up about leaving. Which is, of course, why she’s leaving.

And Miss J? The ever growing afro? Really, really stupid.

today. Not my favorite.

2007-10-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today is rather sucktastic. Granted, it's all relative and given how it COULD have gone, it's okay. At no point did I live in Africa, so that's a check in the positive column. Bev and I were off to pick apples on a perfect fall day when I got in a rather nasty car accident. No major injuries, none whatsoever to me or my kids, but the other driver flipped his car into the median. And let me tell you, that is not a thing you want to see. Again, as in the purple cow scenario, it is better to see than be, but still. I really really don't think it was my fault, and Bev, who was behind me doesn't think so either, but another witness and the driver say it was, so I did get a ticket. And that's just enough to have the niggling guilt eating at my gut. I think he just got a bonk to the head--he did get up and walk away, but oy. oy. As for the rest of the day? Well, I'll just say that if any of you were hanging on to AOL out of loyalty to us? You needn't bother anymore. Again, it's going to be fine, Steve has a gazillion ideas and smart friends with money, but still. oy. oy. Today, she is ass.

lolkatz

2007-10-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

Now you all know that I love me some lolcats. Almost as much as the actual site, I love the offshoots and in jokes that come from it. I just don't have the computer savvy to put my own together. So here is a build-your-own. Our new site is lolkatz.com:

Then you use this image:

And then we'll type " I bot a salami for ur son in the Ahmy. But I eated it."

use this font:

See? We make our own fun.

Corner!

2007-10-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 14th wedding anniversary. Because he is the best boy ever, Steve arranged for a babysitter last night and we went out to the Melting Pot for dinner. We tend to avoid chain restaurants, but the need for fondue won out. It was very yummy, if rather costly. We started with the traditional swiss fondue, then had a salad, then shared a platter that had both things Steves eat and things Deanas eat on it. Then, of course, the dessert--chocolate hazelnut fondue. The cheese was the best of it, but it was all tastey. Our waiter was fun, a 24 year old guy who teaches autistic middle schoolers. Seems the sort of thing that requires a sense of humor. Or heavy drug usage. We were a bit disturbed to realize that he was born only 2 years before we met, though. Our booth was near the kitchen, which has a sharp turn into it. Everyone that entered had to call out "corner!" It was odd. Like being near a really punitive kindergarten teacher. I had to wonder what the kitchen was like, though. I mean, there's no chef, since you cook yer own damned food. Is it just cutting-up-food guys? All the fondues were made table side and the food is brought out raw. The third course involved cooking the stuff in either oil or broth (we chose broth b/c we're really, really health conscious). You get a safety lecture that OSHA would approve--the pot is hot, the burner is hot, the metal objects that you dip into the broth/cheese/chocolate will quickly become hot so do not put it in your mouth, dumbass. The pot of boiling broth or oil comes to the table in a medieval looking vise called a Romulator (insert dorky Star Trek joke here, lord knows I did). Everything is quite showy. If the waiters could learn juggling or ventriloquism it could only improve the experience. Last night was, apparently, Ladies Night Out which of course meant drinks ending in "tini" were on the menu. Damn you Carrie Bradshaw and your lousy taste in alcohol! I guess I should just be grateful that it was pink drinks and not knickers that she made popular. Anyway...the food was good, the place felt a little staged, and it was lovelyto have a nice, leisurely meal with my honey. Next year in Paris!

You Tube ANTM liveblog

2007-10-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

Ah, youtube and my beloved dodash8. I can tape new shows--Pushing Daisies, haven't seen it yet--without missing Model. Yay.

So. Bianca. Geez. She gave Kimberly bad walking advice, not b/c Kimberly is something of a monster but b/c she wants to screw her up. And let it be noted that this does not make her "a bad friend." What would, exactly? Beer in the weave? And then she's crabbing about how Heather is getting a "pity leg up." Yipes. Girl better be going home this week.

They go to the "fashion madhouse." Are girls really that scaredy? Would you really, knowing that you were going on a photo shoot, or at worst some challenge, scream like a freak when someone comes towards you? There's a photo crew RIGHT THERE. Clearly you are in no danger. Sure, Miss J makes me a little uneasy, but I don't see the screaming. Their boyfriends aren't there, so they don't need to pretend they need an arm around them. So they have to wear straightjackets and walk down a runway at the same time. Because, as Miss J points out, this sort of thing comes up in the fashion world all the time. Right. And these are just the gals who will be hired for those sorts of shows. Totally. Or MAYBE, MAYBE it's because if they fall off those heels, they won't be able to catch themselves and it will be funny? I will say that I have worn a straightjacket before (shut up. It was for a play), and it is really unsettling to not be able to use your arms. Contender for Quote of the Week from Victoria: " I got into the top history program at Yale, but I can't walk down a runway." Bet the girls from Harvard can walk. Sadly, no one falls over. Total waste of a gimmick. They should have put them on stilts, too.

Awesome. Bianca and Kimberly are lying together (wocka chicka), asking Saleisha about her modeling experience. Saleisha starts to get cranky. Bianca accuses Saleisha of being border-line plus sized(?!) and then accuses her of looking "like a Bratz doll" (um, kettle? pot. [was that racisit?]). Bianca is certain that her mouth will get her "everywhere in this business." Um...okay....that sounds kinda dirty. She then tells her little audience that she will do whatever she needs to including "cutting up clothes." Whooo baby. I take it back. She canNOT go home.

The runway challenge is to model fashions by Colleen Quen. She makes really beautiful, whimsical couture.

The challenge winner gets to go to Paris to walk in Quen's premiere show there. None of them really stood out, but in the end, Saleisha wins it. Bianca dies a little inside. Honestly, I couldn't focus on anything but the asstastic job Roy Campbell was doing as an MC. cheesier than a Wisconsin deli plate.

The photo shoot puts them in climbing rigging, on a climbing wall, wearing gowns and "edgy editorial (read: ugly) makeup." Stoo-pid. Victoria, bless her, says that she felt like "a sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine." I think we've all been there. Kimberly commits the sin of being too pretty. Lord knows we don't want that. She says she wants to be "a role model" for the girls with a normal life. Not those clingy ones, for sure. It's one of those moments that make you say, "Have you SEEN this show?" At any point, has a judge said, "She's refreshingly normal!" (answer: no). Heather's shoot is terrific of course, because she's like Rain Man, but with pretty in place of counting cards.

We go to panel. Tyra looks lovely but speaks with a semi-French accent that comes and goes. Miss Jay is sporting the Cosby Kid look again. That horrid Roy Campbell (whose name makes me think of Hee Haw) is the guest judge. I'm worried that if they don't stop fawning over Heather, the other girls are going to poison her. They just don't know what to do with Victoria. She's very serious at panel and asks questions and then goes and takes a good photo. She still looks like a horse, but hey. I do NOT get the Janet love. Pretty mom (provided your mom yanks ass hair for a living), but not model. In the end, however, Bianca and Kimberly (bi-atches!) are the bottom two and Kimberly goes home, even though Tyra really likes her...ears. Yes, her ears.

filler

2007-10-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night was booze free. We didn't even watch telly. We just sat with our laptops, parallel playing like toddlers. But the night before was Alberta's Spa Collins (YUM!!) and House (love him!) Janet gets to drink with me. Andi does not.

Today's bumpersticker, seen as I walked to pick up my van and convince it that it totally does not need a transmition and that thunk between gears is just the car equivalent of a fierce stomp: Dyslexic Devil Worshippers Sell Their Souls to Santa.

Some information for you

2007-10-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

Watched last week's "Reaper" last night, it was funny. Watched most of "Aliens in America," it was not. Watched about a minute of "Moonlight," gagged, fast forwarded to at least see Logan being a vampire and nearly wept at the horribleness of it all. Dreadful. And I'm predisposed to like both vampires AND Logan. The writing...it was like someone was writing a parody of a terrible TV show. Only without being funny. Just eck.

My new hobbie is making cocktails. I got hooked by watching Alberta Straub's web show. Her mojito (the flightito) recipe was just SO good. So I've tried several of hers and the got a book as well. Because when I become interested in something, I buy books and supplies. That's what we do. Last night, we tried the La Floridita Daquiri and the Caipirhina. Both were REALLY good. I was esp. fond of the second one. It's made with Cachaca, a Brazilian spirit that's kind of like Rum, but made from sugar cane, rather than the molasses. or something. It's a yummy thing. Lest it look like I've hopped on an already stale trend, I must stress that I'm not making Appletinis or Cosmos. I'm making vintage cocktails. Like Don Draper would drink if it weren't entirely girly to mix the spirits with anything except ice cubes. It would slow him down to have to mix things. I like that part though. C'mon over!

This is nice.

2007-10-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

Weather is gorgeous. Steve stayed home to work on the porch swing. Not that it needed repair, but he did his work on the porch swing. It's just lovely out. The weekend, once we got through the hairy part, was nice. I love the Braddock Heights picnics; there is always live bluegrass music and everyone brings a dish and it just feels like "hey, I live in a little community in the mountains." I get the warm fuzzy part of rural without the scary, isolated part. Non-threatening banjo music. The picnic was followed by the Historical Society's auction. I bought a print by local artist Yemi. It's of the spires of downtown Frederick, our previous abode:

I also got some Braddock Heights memorabilia from the old amusement park-like thing that used to be here. I hate that I can't time travel and see it in person.

Saturday night, we had a bonfire with the Donalds which is always nice. Sunday I hit Super Sunday, which was fine and productive. I didn't feel all that well, so I only hit one store and then took to bed to read Outlander. Which is lovely. Then Sunday night, Lara and I went to see Stardust at the cheap theater. I liked it. It's been a while since I've seen a movie like that. It felt like a Terry Gilliam movie--odd and beautiful. Claire Danes--go back to the red hair. The blonde makes you look like Gwyneth Paltrow, who is lovely, but of whom we already have one. Charlie Cox is absolutely adorable, but since he was born in 1982, I shall have a motherly attitude toward him. I would like to make him some soup. Ricky Gervais was hilarious, of course. it was a flawed movie, but such a nice change. Just a nice love story with great scenery and costumes and a healthy dose of silliness.

Now I shall buckle down to a week of serious TV viewing. What have you loved this season?

It must be fall

2007-09-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

It must be fall b/c we have 8 gazillion things going on in one day. There are about 3 weekends almost guaranteed to be nice and every activity must be crammed into them. Today we had to go to Toys Sure "R" Expensive to buy birthday presents for two parties today. Got home, wrapped the gifts, sent Ben down the street to Wolfgang's party. In a half an hour, we're off to the park for the Braddock Heights Community Picnic and Auction and Ice Cream Social. Then Steve takes Ben and Julianna back to the TRU to some Pokemon event to "catch" a special pokemon on their DS games. Then Lily has a birthday party to attend. And at some point I want to take them into Middletown for the Heritage days (encampments and a book sale!). And tomorrow is 50% off clothes day at Goodwill! So much to do. And here I sit, reading lolsecretz (no thanks to Andi). It's a combo of PostSecrets and lolcats. And it's funnier than either:

Last night, I hosted my last Tastefully Simple party. My good friend Stacey is a consultant, so I told her I'd host one more party. Only I hate doing that b/c I hate asking my friends to come to my house to buy things. Even if I am feeding them. Plus, I"m not a fan of the product, really. The stuff is okay, but it's not the way I cook. If I'm going to bake a dessert, it's going to be from scratch. I don't use spice blends. And my life just doesnt' involve dip that often. I like all these things well enough, but not well enough to keep around. I hate home parties. I hate that there's a display in my dining room. I hate the pitch. And she was wearing a shirt that said "Tastefully Simple" right under her head. Like a label. Gracie Allen was tastefully simple. So anyway. I'm done with this schtick. Come to my house, eat some food, have a drink, enjoy. But leave your checkbook at home.

Oh, and Andi's going to have a baby soon and she's made the mistake of asking people what they think of names before the baby is actually here. You should go weigh in. The advice of utter strangers is just what every hormone-addled new mother-to-be needs. Hint: don't let her name a girl Reed.

It's all just smoke and mirrors. Oh, and dead babies.

2007-09-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

It seems likely that I'm doing stuff and the kids are cute or something, but who can notice with so much awesome TV? First, my primary trash TV love, ANTM. We open with the discovery that all the previous seasons of stretch Hummers to drive the girls around didn't count. Because now they get to ride in a "green" bus. "This cycle, Tyra wanted to pay attention to the environment, so Top Model is Going Green!" And it's green as well as "green" b/c if it isn't ostentatious and showy, it isn't actually happening. The interior looks like something Hildy from Trading Spaces would come up with given a "green" theme. There's grass everywhere and it's all recycle-y and stuff. Right. Whatever, Tyra. The house is all "green," poured concrete, recycled materials...enormous photos of Tyra recycling another race's culture by painting herself like an aborigine. The girls all dash around getting their beds and jumping (or falling, Lisa!) into the pool with their clothes on. You know who doesn't jump around like an idiot? Heather. You see, she has Ozberger's syndrome. Apparently the symptoms are a lot like Asperger's, only it lets you be okay with being on national TV and makes you hyper aware of the word "ass."

One of our little sub-stories today is that Bianca hates Lisa. She had been hating Ebony, but even she could see that Bianca vs. Ebony was just going to be a little too easy to make fun of ("if only they'd named her Ivory instead of Bianca, then they'd be together in perfect harmony!"). Lisa, for all of her bikini dancer ways, is stunning. Bianca has purple hair. In the end, Bianca apologizes to Lisa, but then says in the confessional that she only did it b/c she didn't want it to get back to Tyra that she'd been nasty. Awesome. Poor Ebony had SO set herself up as the bitch and it gets stolen away by some homegirl in a $25 weave. Bummer.

And THEN, to make it even harder on Ebony to come back, we get to see Kimberly (who?) advising the other girls to stay away from Heather b/c "people like that? They cling." When Heather talks to her, she says she's "like whatever" b/c she's afraid that Heather will think she's...human? Not a horrid monster? ....and make her a "go-to person." Yipes. Ebony, hon, you are going to have to try a LOT harder than "Let's guess who has an eating disorder."

The photo shoot reveals that Tyra has had another change of heart. Eight seasons of chain-smoking girls riding in Hummers has come to an end. This is a No Smoking Season and all the girls have to quit. Now. Day-um. Three bitches in the house isn't enough, now she's going to make them go through withdrawl? "Back at the house, girls, you will find a box of blunt instruments and switchblade knives. Enjoy." Awesome. Seriously, I bow to her. So anyway, the shoot is the girls looking at their reflections in the mirror as they (the girls, not the mirrors) smoke. The reflection is a photoshopped in image of the girl exhibiting a side-effect of smoking. You know, premature aging, lung cancer, chemo, DEAD BABIES! Yes, they posed a model with a "stillborn child" in her arms. WTF? None of the girls batted an eye at that though. Saleisha was just upset that she had to share a frame with Heather. She almost got that Ozburger all over her. ew.

They had some lame ass challenge to buy "modelesque" clothes at Old Navy. It involved running around trashing the store and turning up in dresses that barely cover their bums. Miss Jay told them to keep it simple. The ubiquitous Benny Ninja told them to be sure to buy lots of scarves and necklaces. The show just doesn't even TRY to make sense any more.

At panel, although refreshingly free of carnations or ruffles or other weird gimmicks, Miss J looks like a Cosby Kid. hey hey hey! Twiggy looks like maybe she's gotten into Janice Dickinson's stash (but sure as hell not her wardrobe. What in the heck was was she wearing?), Tyra looks pretty good. Nigel remains Nigel. Mila, shocking no one, goes home. She takes the news with a dead-eyed smile. Seriously, she looked like a budgie.

Beauty (kinda) and the Geek (oh yes)

2007-09-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

We've been watching this since season 1. It's much nicer than most reality shows in that the geeks aren't humiliated (much) and the beauties...well, they bury themselves, really. Because somewhere along the way beauty was translated as "moderately attractive in a totally boring way and very, very stupid." The geeks, however are always full on geeks. Some ugly, some not, all dorky all the time. The high point of geekdom was the guy from Season 2 whose tag line always read "Tracks monkeys with lasers." Never any real explanation. Just "tracks monkeys with lasers." If ever there was a lost opportunity for T-shirt sales, this was it.

This year, the beauty pool features bosoms. Great big bosoms. Purchased at great expense ($8K, Amanda proudly proclaimed, and I'm pretty sure she was paying by the pound), but considered by one of the interchangeable blondes to be "an investment" b/c the amount she'll save in getting free drinks will cover the cost of the boob job. Amanda's big dream is to be a Playboy centerfold. Now admittedly, I haven't seen Playboy in quite some time (and boy do I miss the articles), but I don't think bosoms that cause people to recoil in terror was really the Playboy aesthetic. Jugs, on the other hand, is watching her carefully. As is Knocked-Up and Gun-Toting, but they'll have to wait for her to land a man. Jennifer, bless her heart, is a big ol' Anna Nicole of a gal. Her CW profile says she's at Northeastern U on a rowing scholarship (journalism major, natch). She could totally kick the butt of any of the other contestants. Even the dude with the foam broadsword. I was all hating on her until she got paired up with a geek who was scared to death of her. All she could see was that he clearly didn't want to be with her (we, the all knowing audience had heard him say he was skeered), and she just murmured, "Sorry you got stuck with me." It was so raw and sad that now I'm pulling for her. My current favorite is Jasmine. She has this weird baby-on-a-pack-a-day voice and is just gleefully stupid. I'm sure I'll switch alliances once it gets going, though. I'm fickle like that.

The geek pool usually features one Super Geek, always trying to achieve the astonishing level of geekhood reached by Season One's Richard. This season's Richard is Joshua, not to be confused with Josh who is actually kind of cute and is in a Rubberband Club. There's always a tool, who will be played this season by David. David is a "LARPer" which means he dresses up in his D&D costume and tears around a field whapping his friends with a broadsword made of foam. Patton Oswalt plays him on Reno 911. And truthfully? I think it sounds kinda fun. Unfortunately, most LARPers are Comic Book Guy losers like David. This season's guy-you-want-to-put-in-your-pocket is Tony who is, of course, Asian. Adorable. He wears a bowtie. Will is fat and balding and wears a flack vest and makes me sad. William is skinny and has enormous ears and makes me sad. Luke? I'm calling Luke Hedgie b/c of his hair. That makeover show cannot come fast enough for him.

You'll note that I've not mentioned this year's "twist"--they've tossed in a geeky girl and a stupid-but-good-looking boy. I didnt' mention it b/c I don't care. The girl will get a sexy librarian taking down her hair makeover (Miss Yakamoto! You're beautiful!" And the boy looks like a serial killer and is actually an actor with a lengthy entry on IMDB. I don't know why that bothers me, but it does. Even if he WAS on Veronica Mars.

The highlight of this casting episode was watching the girls answer questions. Like "What was the last book you read?" "Well, I haven't done much reading since I started college..." "Who was the first man on the moon?" "Lance Armstrong!" But my favorite moment was when Joshua got so tongue-tied when faced with a room full of boobs and hair that his called his mom and put her on speaker phone so that she could tell them how great he is. Awesome. We anxiously await the next installment. Life before reality show TV was hollow indeed.

Urp?

2007-09-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

Saw this at the Safeway today. "Which piece of mouse do you prefer? " "I'll just have a slice of head please, thanks."

In case you missed it...

2007-09-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

For those of you who get alerts, I've finished the ANTM post, but I just added to the original rather than starting a separate post.

Yes, Andi, I'll cover dear old Beauty and Geek. We have it on TiVo and plan to watch it tonight.

I really prefer D'nah, but if you insist...

And feel better soon ,Ellen!!

My eyes!!

2007-09-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, I was going to watch all of last nights ANTM before posting. I missed it on the telly (I KNOW!), so I'm watching it on YouTube. I thought I should finish before commenting, but I'm only on the second part and I've had to stop to regain my composure. First, there was the girl named Spontaniouse (ATTENTION PREGNANT WOMEN: this is NOT an acceptable name. Naming your child after character traits is risky at best. Seriously, Chastity? But if you insist on emulating your Pilgrim forbears, do not, do NOT give the spelling a tweak. If your child is named Vivacious, people will say, "really? Is it hard to have a name like that?" If your child is named Vyvayshus, people will say, "Holy shit, was your mom on crack?!?" Andi, I'm looking at you. Don't you name my niece/nephew Dysgruntallt or Craynkee.), then there was a drag queen dressed as Tyra doing some silly song in a cruise ship dining room (and over breakfast, no less. Who can handle a quickly-out-of-breath old queen before 10 am?), then we had the hunchback with Aspergers, and then, THEN a girl pretended to give Tyra a brazillian bikini wax. No lie. She said, with a Georgian accent, "You gotta get the crack up. You gotta spread the cheeks..." And actually touched Tyra's lady parts. Through a dress, yes, but seriously, this puts Trynny and Suzannah's "You got fantastic tits!" to SHAME. Poor choice of words, I think... I only wish I knew how to capture stills to share with you Miss J's "oh LORDY!" face. And then, before I'd caught my breath, Marvita (seriously, people. Seriously) was calling out Ebony for being a bitch (and she was right, but she is not pretty) and just holy cow. So I had to come over and keep a running commentary. I'll be right back...

Oh please keep the Boston bahtendah! I want to listen to her talk. I miss Cheers. Plus, she's half almost blind! Oh, Marvita is going to feed Vamptyra! "I hear that you been through a lotta lotta stuff in your life. Tell me about growing up and all the things you went through and all the tragedy." And make it WET. Tyra grows thirsty. half blind in one eye is NOT cutting it. "A lot of people have done a lot of bad things to me." Tyra replies, "Why don't you talk about that?" Because it's PAINFUL you monster!! And then they follow her up with Mila, who says she's had a good life so far and she likes to celebrate b/c she's so happy! The winces on their faces--yes, they're wincing--suggest that is NOT going to cut it my friend. Go poke one of your eyes and get back to us. And then, as if I had written the script for her, Tyra says, "when was the last time you cried?" Then? They mock her when she leaves. In their defense, she's not all that cute, kinda doughy and can't walk.

Okay, in the 3rd part, a girl pulls a really long paper out of her nose. Excellent. Cast her. And then the girl who is an exotic dancer "I'm not naked! I'm not topless! I wear a bikini!" Gives one of the other girls a lap dance. Because if there's one thing the other cycles have taught us, it's that Tyra loves to bring strippers and "dancers" into modelling... The bitch, Ebony? Her mom is a crackhead. Tyra was able to get that out of her (the tears make it slide out better) and told her that that was why she's a bitch. Thank you, Tyra! Saleisha and Chantal (no, I really do wish I was kidding) vow to be the last two standing. Chantal is convinced that she was MADE to model. I'm not aware of a belief system that is headed by a god that would do something like that, but okay...

I must post now and make dinner. more later.

Okay, part four, they winnow down the herd to 20. The rest of them "will be left behind on this island." Day-um. Then they have to stand there and pretend to happily wave bon voyage? Day-um. So before Tyra goes into "deliberation with Mr. and Mrs. Jay" (did they get married? I can only IMAGINE the dress. Holy cow.), she makes the girls tell her (and all the others) why each of them should go on. Sadly, it is not hilarious. In deliberation, they let little slip, but I'm still betting that Mila Merry Sunshine does not move on. The designate one girl, who is neither plus sized nor frighteningly thin, "real sized." Whatever. The horse faced Victoria looks like Janice from Friends--"Hel-LO Chandlah Bing!" Okay, I was wrong. Mila is in. They must just hope that her sunshine collides with clouds for dramatic thunder! What? Dammit Jim, I'm not a meteoroligist. They keep showing Lisa crying, so that means she's in....sucks to be the girl next to her though. She's wearing this horrible early 90s prom gown and has thick legs, but she seldom gets more than an elbow on screen. Poor dear. But she's not in, so she doesn't count. There we are. Our lucky 13.

To break from our semi-live blog and recap:
Ebony (the bitch)
Heather (Captain Aspergers)
Mila (Captain Prozac)
Janet (the Waxer)
Jenah (the one all girls hate b/c they're intimidated. What? I have nothing pithy yet)
Chantal (Born Model)
Ambreal (Tall Girl who Looks Short)
Victoria (Janice from Yale)
Sarah (who?)
Saleisha (the one whose name isn't as funny as Spontaniouse)
Kimberly (who? see, they DO need silly names)
Lisa (does not dance topless)
Bianca ($25 weave)

Gone are my bahtendah and Marvita, whose tears were not enough to hide the fact that she's not even remotely pretty. Not that that generally matters on this show. Coming on this cycle--drama. Explotation of a "disorder" or "disability". Makeovers. Enjoy!

...which reminds me

2007-09-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on Andi's blog (bottom link on my blog list) and it's reminding me of too many eerie life similarities (except the pregnancy. Thank god)...In addition to our apparent employability, we share having dudes on our roof . When we moved in, our roof was a nice fire-engine red. It is now the Nantucket red that goes well with expensive polos and Topsiders. Which I'll find for you at Goodwill. But this is not the color I want on my roof. So we're having it painted. Paint costs, it turns out, are determined by the square footage of the roof. The square footage of the roof is something few people consider when purchasing a house. This is a mistake. Particularly if the roof is metal and painted. Our dinky little under 2000 sq. feet house has a roof with the sq footage of a damned mall. Six Gables, you see. How quaint. How architecturally interesting. How costly to paint. But anyway, I have a guy stomping around up there. It's like Santa is here, all day every day. Only instead of bringing me presents, he's taking my money. And he's telling me that the last person who patched our roof did a crappy job. Which I could have guessed b/c the previous owners of this house were staunch devotees of the bubblegum-and-duct-tape school of home repair. And before that, ancient people lived here (standard old people, not like Incas or something), and before that, it was a summer cottage. And we all know how well the rental home gets treated. "Rode hard and put up wet" is a colorful phrase that applies here. We're forever discovering little tidbits, like the fire in the early 20s. Like the creative wiring. Like the sub-code plumbing. Character! We have to periodically have people over so they can tell us how great the house is. Because we love it, we do....but damn it's like an abusive relationship. Couldn't it just be haunted or something? Oh wait, it is. But at least soon, it will have a fire-engine red roof. So we have that.

This cannot be good.

2007-09-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

I was shopping the Goodwill yesterday. I am the master of thrift shopping, for I have an eye for good fabric and design and I can pull that designer name out of a sea of Faded Glory and Norton McNaughton. Back in the day, Leslie and I were the queens of plucking the Hanna Andersson and Oilily from the racks of McKids and Circo and reselling them at a tidy profit... (Leslie was better than me). all this to say that I'm naturally classy. Not klassy, like Rick James. Classy, like Grace Kelly. I am programmed for the finer things. I have dragged my hillbilly heritage to my Cape Cod birthplace. So I'm walking through the Goodwill, with a tailored wool blazer and two piece Flax ensemble (retail at least $120!) over my arm. A woman comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, where are the ladies handbags?" I'm game, I'm a seasoned shopper AND a helpful citizen. "Hmm...they used to be here with the belts and shoes...They keep moving things around on me." "Yes. Well, do you at least know where you keep the dressy dresses?" Where *I* keep? I keep them in the closet in Julianna's room b/c I so seldom use them, but why would you care? Oh no. You think I WORK at Goodwill. Holy crap. So Andi, you can just stop your whining.

She's a handful

2007-09-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Lily turned FIVE on Saturday. Me wee-est bairn! Babe of my bosom!....is finally that much closer to the age of reason, thanks be to heaven. I shall mourn Julianna's passage into adolescence. But loss of preschooler? Not so much. Crazy little monkeys the lot of them. Cute? Oh yes. But they don't make good housepets.

Saturday night we went to the fair, so that Lily could get her birthday funnel cake. Rides were ridden, chickens ogled, games of "skill" avoided. Earlier we'd gone to the Small Angels annual picnic and Lily won a bingo game, so it was like double presents. What says birthday like bingo prizes? I'd gotten her one of those accursed damnable Webkinz. Julianna had been on a quest for a husky. Had to have the husky Which, of course, was hard to find. So I ended up calling around looking for it. I swear, it felt dirty. I couldn't believe I was playing their stupid game. Blech. But it was her money. In retrospect, I should have had HER call. I'll drive her to meet the dealer, but I am not making the contact. The upshot, of course, is that these stupid animals became very attractive to Lily. "Nope, sorry. You have to be able to read to use the website." Julianna: "No you don't mom." "Thanks." Of course you don't. For those who do not house a child between the ages of 4 and 14, Webkinz are these beanie baby sized animals that come with a code in their sealed-until-you-cough-up-12-bucks tag. Then you can log onto the website and play with your stuffed animal in a virtual setting. There, isn't that nicer than having to pick up the actual toy and manipulate it? Speaking of manipulation, other products tied into the Webkinz offer "special codes" to be used for more schwag on the site. It makes bitter. Because if I'd thought of it, I'd be a gazillionaire. Damn.

Birthday party was Sunday. Old buddies Emma and Sarah were there, along with new child Rosie. Also Taro and Maeve from up the street. A perfect size by my reckoning. I've mastered the child party now. Two games (in this case, pass the parcel and find the goody bags), cake and presents. Then turn them outside for running and screaming, to call them back in for pinata just before the folks arrive. Two hours. No problem. I highly recommend it.

Oh, by the way? No pictures. My digital camera keeled over. I'm on the film again. I took the ailing digital to Ritz Camera which could make me feel like I was getting ripped off if they were handing me money. The woman there looked up the average cost of repair for my camera and told me she'd suggest just buying a new one. Oh? do you sell those here? How convenient for me. I trotted back out, with my camera. Later, I looked on the Canon website...oh look, both problems my camera is having are known problems with camera and will be fixed for free by Canon. Fancy that.

I'm cranky tonight, it seems. Anyway, Lily had a good birthday, capped off by an eNORmous amount of cucumber sushi. Some days she seems to live on a squeeze yogurt and a couple of boogers. Other days there just isn't enough food to put in her.

Oh, today at school, she did her birthday walk. After the walk around the sun five times, her teacher asked her friends to give her five wishes. Natalie said, "I wish....you had a friend." Uh? Thanks? Emma said, "I wish...your house...was surrounded by TALL grass, as tall as the Empire State Building and it was full of flowers!" Sara then chimed in, "I wish you had a flying unicorn!" Aiden wished she had a helicopter. It all sounds lovely. Then it was time for the special snack I brought--those little ice cream cups with the paper lid you pull off and then you eat the ice cream with a wooden stick. Only I brought 12 and there are 15 kids in the class. Niiiiice. I'm sure the kindergardeners will understand. Right? I lit out of there and headed for the 7-11 to buy a pint of ice cream and was back before the last kid was done. Oy. Way to feel like a heel, I tells ya.

Bok?

2007-09-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

So here at the Circle of Life Ranch and Rodent Hospice, we have a bit of bad news. Mildred met her end at the hands (paws? jaws?) of a fox. Kind of a storybook ending, if you're a chicken. A bit of a cliche, really, but she wasn't especially imaginative, if truth be told. I am, of course, very sad to no longer hear her soft bokking. I'm conflicted about bringing in replacement chickens. I liked having her, but less responsibility is always welcome...esp. since we're going away for a week in January. Finding someone to slog through the snow to check on chickens could be a challenge. Plus, I'm just not sure I'm up to more grisly critter death. Fredo died about a year ago and between him and Mildred have been a score of rodents and hermit crabs. Frankly, I'm done. I declare a moratorium on death. Make it so.

Please, no ball lofting.

2007-09-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

So, the day after my birthday, I wanted to go roller skating. I haven't skated in years, and haven't been to a rink since I lived in Germany. There, we had this great rink with both in-line and regular skates. And steps. And half-pipes. And a trampoline. It seems there are no liability laws in Germany. It was awesome. But I'd have settled for some good old-fashion skating around in a circle, listening to bad pop music....with my comb in my back pocket...feathered hair blowing back... But I need to get back my skating chops, b/c I totally want in on this action. I think a roller derby team made up entirely of moms who don't physically punish their kids would kick ASS. Imagine the pent-up rage and hostility. I'll be working on my roller name. I will ROCK that satin jacket, my friends.

Annnyway....the roller rink was closed with no explanation. But the duckpin bowling place next door was open. So that's where we went. For you people unlucky enough to live far from Baltimore, duckpins are squat little bowling pins that you knock down with a little cannonball-sized ball. It's cooler than bowling. I know, but really. It is. See? Same cool shoes:

Same riveting scoreboard action:

Same incredibly awesome dedication to 1950s design:

But here? Funny signs.

Seriously, how can you beat THAT?

ETA: Lily, by the way, didn't so much bowl as release the balls into the lane. She'd sort of set them down and nudge them toward freedom. The balls, for their part, were ambivalent about the whole thing, and kind of meandered up the lane, occasionally bonking into a pin, but just as often dropping into the gutter. Which would be expected from an almost 5 year old, but we had the bumpers up to prevent gutter balls (we are AMAZING at bowling with the bumpers up!). She managed to get gutter balls anyway. Each time, she'd crouch down, set the ball down with a little nudge, and then turn and hide her face in my stomach, the suspense being too much to take. "Tell me when it knocks one down!" Okay honey, but we have a while. Would you like me to sing Alice's Restaurant for you, in the meantime?

this one goes out to Austin

2007-09-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm back and I'm on the other side of 40 now. I'll just pretend that there are no implications of mortality there. So Friday, I took the kids to school and did my car line routine. I had finally gotten one of those birthday cake hats and I wore that, affording me many, many opportunities for this exchange:

"OH, is it your birthday?"
"no, why?"

And then went straight to Greenbrier State Park because they don't take reservations and it's Labor Day weekend. Only I get there and discover that now they DO take reservations and are booked up. Um. The nice lady said she'd check to see if there'd been any cancellations for the night. While she was looking, I thought to mention, "Well, it's my birthday and I was just going to camp out tonight with my friends..." "Well," she said, "we DO keep a few sites in reserve for emergencies...like yours." So I if some poor family stumbled off the road needing a place to stay, too bad. It's not THEIR birthday.

I secured the site and went home to get Ben his sneakers and lunch money (the ONE day he doesn't wear sneakers, it's PE.) and take them to the school. Then home for a quick kitchen tidy and short nap. Then back to the camp to pitch the tent.

The sites were a lot closer together than I expected, so it's just as well that I abandoned my plan to camp all by myself. There would have been no introspection on that night anyway. As soon as I started to unpack the tent, I began to hear the theme song of our stay: "AuuuuSTIN! Gitoverhere!" Occasionally, sister Ashley (no, I'm serious) got a "WHERE do you think yer goin'?" but it was young Austin who was the real troublemaker. But I got up the tent, hoped they were just stressed about pitching camp and would chill the hell out, and went to get my kids from school.

No, they didn't chill. But you knew that already, didn't you? When I got back to camp for the night, I had a couple of hours before Bev and Lara showed. So I set up the chairs and unpacked the food and tried to start a fire. No outside firewood was allowed in b/c of some weevil infestation or something, so I had to buy wood at the camp store ("you can gather and chop any deadwood you find!" Yeah,thanks). I'd gathered loads of kindling, enoughfor the next morning's fire, too. So I thought. The wood from the store was greener than Ralph Nader. It hissed and carried on in a most discouraging way. All the while, "AuuuuSTIN! Whuddoyou think yer doin?" "DAMMIT AUSTIN!" Good times. This crew had two adjoining pad sites, many people of many ages. Nothing like getting to join someone else's dysfunctional family reunion. The site right next to mine had a mom and two kids. Years of living downtown with a narrow back garden had taught me how to not see or hear people mere feet away, but they apparently had never lived downtown and insisted on saying hi. And showing me bugs. And telling me about snails. Look kid. I HAVE children. If I'd wanted to camp with kids, I'd have brought my own. Luckily mom called "Bree! Did you move my cigarettes?" I began to fear that this was not a state park, but a trailer park. I realized that I should have just hopped on the AT and hiked to the next shelter to camp. I also realized that I suck at building fires. How hard can it BE?

Finally Bev and Lara showed up with cake and presents. I put on my birthday hat.

Hello Kitty cupcakes! yay! They also brought wine and olives and dippy things. It is very, very good to share your birthday with friends. No sooner had I warned them about Austin than we heard "AuuuSTIN!Gitoverhere!" and cracked up. And, about then, the fire really caught. It never burned high, but it was warm and nice to look at. So we ate and drank and felt bad for Austin and complained about the bright flippin' light our neigbors had. When I went up for more wood, I managed to get dry stuff this time and all was well. cozy, contented, nice. Lara slept in her car on a memory foam mat. Bev and I took the tent and the blow up mattress. Bev, bless 'er, was out cold before she got horizontal. I lay down and immediately had to pee. Trudged up to the bath house. Back. Lay down. Snooze. Wake cold and needing to pee. If I get up, I'll wake up completely. but I can't sleep needing to pee. but it's cold...and so on, pretty much all night until about 6 or so, when Lara got up to pee and set her car alarm off. I later suggested that she should have just yelled "AuuuSTIN! Turn that damned thing off!" Of course, when MY alarm goes off, I panic and can't remember what to do and it just goes on and on while I curse like mad. So I got up, went to the bath house, made fun of Lara, got another blanket out of the van and went back to sleep until 9. got up, made the fire (so easy with dry wood! I'm not a fire failure after all!), got the water on for coffee, and heated the danish.

Oh, did I not mention that I was dressed as a gnome? I was.

Then we just hung out. Lara didn't roll out of her bed until 11, by which point we'd broken camp and were musing about how funny it would be to just leave. We were home by noon. More later. First, here are some other photos:

home, sweet, home

bedding folding action!

Crone in the woods.

Some one get me some eucalyptus

2007-08-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am nearer my goal of becoming a koala bear. Yes, I know they aren't really bears. I like the way it sounds, "koala bear," okay? You can just get your own blog and use only proper Latin names. So back off. See? I'm already grumpy, just like our marsupial friend. And I carried my young in a pouch and nursed them until they could digest gum leaves. Or could chew gum. I hardly remember anymore. I enjoy eating, so I've got that part of koala life covered. But only now that my children are in school, can I near that most wondrous characteristic of our little Aussie friend--16-20 hours of sleep a day. That first day of school? I napped for FOUR HOURS. The next day, a bit under three. Then two. Then, today, only one (you get the bends if you go back to a human schedule too quickly). It rocks, being a koala bear. I think I'll skip the chlamydia, though.

So yeah. Kids are in school, full day. Even wee Lily, who has proclaimed it "long and tiring" even though she STILL seldom drops off to sleep before 10 pm. Clearly no koala blood in THAT one. I've volunteered to be a car line helper, opening doors and chirping "good morning" at the fresh-faced little mites. I'm extra chipper with the sullen ones, of course. But this means that even on the first day, I was racing around screaming, "Let's GO! Shoes ON, people!" and only had time for one on-the-porch first day photo. And it turns out it looks like a suspect line-up:

"The one in the skirt stole my bag, officer!" (aren't you glad this isn't the sort of blog where I would have said "stole my heart"? me too).

Steve told me to take the whole week off, to nap, do nothing. I needed no further prodding. I've done no more than is necessary to keep everyone fed and clothed. I haven't even been sewing. Nuthin. Felt gooood, let me tell you. It gave me a chance to play with my birthday present! I'm coming at you from a schweet little Macbook! Don't I look cooler now? I know, hardly seemed possible, but there you go.

And yes, it IS my birthday tomorrow. So I hope you have my presents ready. I'll be 40. So that makes my mom pretty damned old. Just so you know. Hi mom! the fact that I very clearly remember her 40th birthday is...unsettling. And even more, I remember being out for a walk with her down our road remarking that that year she was 44 and I was 22 and how cool. It was YESTERDAY. How did time speed up so? You wait, whippersnappers. You'll see.

What am I doing for said birthday? Well, that fabulous trip to Europe is out, so I'm going to camp out with my friends and then go rollerskating. Because apparently I'm 8.

too much pressure

2007-08-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

And while I have you...My 40th birthday is the 31st of this month. I have no plans. The pressure...it's like New Year's Eve x40. Tell me, oh wise ones.

the countdown starts...

2007-08-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

Did that subject line get you singing "Major Tom (Coming Home)" by Peter Schilling? Four, three, two, one, Earth below-ow-ow us, drifting, falling, floating wei ei eightless... Now are you singing? Or cursing?

But this has nothing to do with astronauts. Or David Bowie. Or the 80s. One week from today, school starts. And Lily starts full day kindergarten. Let me hear an "AMEN!" School supplies are bought and bagged. First day outfits are purchased. And I am giddy, giddy with anticipation. Is that wrong? Judge me when you've been trapped with these urchins pick pick picking at each other b/c they're just DONE with summer.

I'm sure the fact that I spent 16+ hours in the car with them last week doesn't help my need to escape. We drove to Dayton to see Aunt Carolyn. It wasn't as torturous a trip as I'd feared, mom came along and the kids weren't horrid, just there. Always. As soon as the picking got to bad or the cranky started up (in any of us), I'd just take the next exit or rest stop and declare a bathroom break. We peed a LOT. It was like traveling through Israel with Steve's Aunt Lila. I think we stopped at every hole in the ground in the whole country. Bring your own TP. Incidentally, does anyone else have parents who accuse them of looking "like an aunt (ant?) going to Jerusalem" when wearing baggy things? Mine did. Neither can explain where this came from, but having SEEN an aunt going to Jerusalem, I can tell you that they favor baggy shorts and Tshirts, cinched with a fanny pack. A fanny pack containing a pistol. This is a look I have never sported. Ah, right, Ohio...so we drove a lot and saw a cool museum and visited and it was lovely.

We went to the Boonshoft Museum of Discovery which was a very fun excursion. The kids had a blast. I fought the urge to nap. I have no idea why, but children's museums are like a sleeping potion for me. I get through the door and start yawning. It's all I can do to drag my weary limbs from exhibit to exhibit. No matter how new and exciting, I'm looking for a soft bench. Julianna and Lily enjoyed dressing up as animals and climbing under a diorama that had little pop-up bubbles--Lily's a "chickmunk" and Julianna's a bunny:

Ben spent ages polishing this truck in an area set up to look like a garage. I really hoped that he and the other kids would suddenly break into song and dance about "she's a real pussy wagon," but they never did. Aunt Carolyn climbs behind the wheel:

My favorite thing was this really trippy room where you dance in front of screen and the camera projects you onto it, only...well, trippy. I could have stayed there all day. here's all three kids:

And if you care to toke up, here's a bit o' video:

(first time I've tried this video insertion...we'll see if it works).

So. I'm back. I'll try to update more. Thank god it's no longer 152 degrees outside, although I'm sure it'll be back.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

2007-07-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Steve went to London a few weeks ago on business. He called the day before he was to return home, trying to get advice on presents for the kids. I just told him to get Tshirts or baseball caps and they'd be fine, but he's a nice Daddy and wanted to get them something else as well (I already knew he had a suitcase full of Cadbury for me, so what care I of the children?). He told me he'd gotten Lily a book of Charlie and Lola , Ben a baseball hat, and a stuffed animal for Julianna. T-shirts for all three. Yay, everyone is happy. Ah, but the happy had not even begun.

He got home and gave out the gifts. And thus, it began, as he handed Julianna her stuffed animal. "A BEAVER! Why, it's the cutest beaver I've ever seen! What will I name my beaver?" to each new person: "I have a beaver!" or, better, "Do you want to see my beaver?" "Would you like to pet my beaver? It's very soft!"

At the swim meet the next day, to Denise: I have a beaver! My dad brought it from London. It's the cutest beaver ever!
Denise, biting the insides of her cheeks: Does your beaver have a name?
Julianna: Yes, I named her Daffodil!
Denise: Not Denise?
Me: I named MY beaver Denise.
Denise: you better shut up.

And ever since, we'll get beaver related humor. She's prone to just randomly saying things and sometimes it's "I have a beaver!" Steve swears he didn't even know it was a beaver when he bought it (that's right, away from home a week and he forgets what a beaver looks like), but it's comedy gold, I tells ya. Highly recommended.

DONE!!

2007-07-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

I finished The Deathly Hallows. I'll give it a couple of days and then I'll warn you of spoilers. Meanwhile, enjoy pictures from the party at the library...

Bev and I as the Trelawny twins. Luckily our friend Lara just happened to have a crystal ball! You can't really tell, but I smeared my lipstick as if I'd been hitting the cooking sherry and was wearing mismatched socks with slippers. I do love me a costume. I was always the kid that went just a bit too far on spirit days in high school.

Julianna was Hermione, of course. And yes, I did try to be in every picture. Why do you ask?

Molly was the Whomping Willow. Genius. Apparently, it was Julianna's idea, but she doesn't have her mothers tendency toward Glory Hog. Yet.

But the Ford Anglia on the hat was pure Molly. And the perfect touch:

Julianna and Blair (as Madame Rosemerta) making quills:

Look! Real Weasleys!

I cast a fortune for Tonks and Harry (Rhiannon and Owen. Wee Aidan with Weasley orange hair evaded the photo):

Library employees were made up by a local make up school or some such. They looked great. Observe!

And then the book! Woo! Luckily we were in the first 20 or so people. There was ONE register open. Borders had come to the library to sell, but didn't send enough registers for the task. Or perhaps they could have let us buy tickets for a book throughout the night, to be exchanged, swiftly, for a book at midnight. but no. Anyway. I cannot imagine why people waited when a few hours later, there's be truckloads of them at every store on earth.

Okay, now go read it so we can chat!

My life as a 12 year old girl

2007-07-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

So I saw that stupid Harry Potter movie. I made the mistake of rereading Order of the Phoenix too close to seeing the movie. I'm reasonably certain it sucked anyway, but having been that close to the book made it extra painful. I went to see it with Julianna, my friend Bev and her two oldest girls, and an extra 10 year old. Bev and the extra kid hadn't read the book recently (kid hadn't read it at all). They were not party to the outraged squawking that characterized the drive home. I, however, was in full angry-fan mode. "But what about the..." "And the...!!!" "I KNOW!!" "And there was no...!!!" It's a wonder none of us stroked out.

First, and most trivially, the effects were terrible. This wouldn't matter if the movie were good, but it wasn't, so they sucked. Grawp, the giant, was just wrong and awful and meh. I will admit that the too short battle at the end between Dumbledore and Voldemort (don't flinch!) was pretty cool. I'm gonna miss ol' Dumbledore.

Of course much of the story was dropped. Understandable, the book was the size of a paving slab. But for the last movie, they did a good job of it. They just focused on the Tri-Wizard Tournament and dropped everything else. Fine. So there was no S.P.E.W, but I let it go b/c they had a coherent story to tell. This one? I cannot imagine how it made even a little sense if you hadn't read the book. Huge chunks of plot were missing and what WAS there seemed to be on fast-forward. There were so many characters that few got any screen time. Only Harry and Umbridge (great casting btw. I wanted to set her on fire, so she did a great job) get much more than a few lines. Oh, and Daniel? Please stop building up your neck muscles. It's too close in size to your head and you are being to resemble a bespectacled penis.

I felt that what was important about OotP was the mental connection between Harry and Voldemort. Occlumency, Legilimency, the Prophecy. Instead, the focus was almost solely on Umbridge's tenure at Hogwarts-- her growing power and ultimate downfall. That story should be the backdrop against which Harry's interactions with Snape and realizations of his father's fallibility should have been played. Instead, the Occlumency lessons are a throw away, and the introduction of James-as-asshat hardly noticeable. The other major theme--that makes the whole Umbridge thing possible, really--is the adolescence of Harry and pals. The ANGST! as the girls kept shouting. Harry sets himself apart from everyone, foreshadowing how he will have to go it alone in the new book...Crap. I just turned into an English major. Sorry. Anyway. Because he's decided he's all misunderstood (what 14 year old isn't, pal, get over yourself), he won't go to Dumbledore for help. The movie did address the Cho Chang infatuation, but having her betray Dumbledore's Army was just wrong. Luna Lovegood was terrific, but the whole thread about The Quibbler was dropped. And...NO QUIDDITCH. Hello? Lifetime ban for Harry, Fred, and George (oh, yummy, yummy twins)? hrmpf.

So it's over two hours long, but too short by half to tell the story properly. A&E or BBC need to do a miniseries of each book. Using children who can actually act this time, please. Meanwhile, I have to go re-read The Half Blood Prince in preparation for Saturday's read-o-rama. yay!

Polly want a lighter

2007-07-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

First, just so you know, my hair no longer looks like that. It's still cute, but much bouncier, due to the fact that I mysteriously got wavy hair sometime in the last decade. Today it looked like I'd slept on rollers. I'll take it.

Look what we found in the yard yesterday:

It's lined in cigarette filters. I'm not sure whether I'm charmed or saddened. But I worry about the little nicotine-addicted sparrows trying to bum smokes off the crows.

The single most thrilling experience of my entire life

2007-07-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

I bid on a hair cut from the Sam Wong salon and I won. I believe I was supposed to be cut by Jocelyn, but guessing from her My Space page, she's moving. Or something. But she wasn't there, which is just as well b/c her blog is poetry. As it happens, the man Sam Wong was there for me. I paid $30 at the auction, which is more than many people spend on a cut, but is low for me. What isn't low is the $75 this cut usually costs. I hadn't had a cut in way too long, so I was hurting. The fact that it is Friday the 13th was not lost on me. Steve pointed out that he was boarding an airplane on Friday the 13th. Please, I'm getting my hair cut by someone I've never met! No one cares what you look like in a plane crash. sheesh. (although Jerry pointed out that Steve will have a 30 hour Friday 13th since he's flying from London today. Hope Jason doesn't show.)

I go in and a young thing with that weird choppy white hair with random clips, giant retro-80s (GAH!) glasses and bright red lips hands me a bundle. "This is your robe. I'll take you to the bathroom to put it on." Robe? I check, nope, no stirrups on those chairs, so um, robe? "Oh, you can just put it on over your shirt. Some people like to just wear the robe." Yeah. Some people like to wear giant 80s glasses. I'm going to just slip this on, okay? It's like a graduation gown. But without the stylin' hat/cutting board. Sam comes out. He's a Chinese dude (get OUT! Really? With a name like Wong? no, seriously) about my age or older b/c who can tell with Asian dudes? They look 25 until they suddenly look 90. He has shoulder length hair and a guayabera shirt open to the 3rd button and a charm of some sort on a leather thong. Necklace kind. I didn't see his skivvies. But he looks cool. Of course, because he's an Asian dude.

He runs his hands through my hair, weighing it, pulling it this way and that, asking me about what I want, how much work I'll put into it (none), etc. He hands me back to Ralphie Girl to shampoo. She gives me a looovely shampoo and scalp massage. Now those who know me know I'm no fan of massage in general, but I love me a head rubbin'. Especially a mint scented one. She brings me back out to the chair and one of the two old dogs hanging around the salon (like getting your hair cut on Jed Clampett's porch!) comes over and begins to methodically lick my leg as if it were included in the treatment. Um. No thank you? I scratch her ears and try to scootch her away. She licks my arm while I do it. I love the doggies, but I can't see that this is popular with much of the $75 haircut crowd. Unless they bill it as an Organic Enzymatic Sponging.

Sam comes back, combs me out. Then he starts beating me in the head. No, really. He has his comb and scissors in one hand and he kind of karate chops (not a slur. Really) my skull with one hand and the comb. Then he pulls out a strand of hair and cuts the bottom 1/8 inch off. BapBapBapPuuulllClip. BapBapBapPuuuullClip. It felt like imagine a cut would feel from Edward Scissorhands. Weirdest haircut EVER. Once he has battered me senseless, he clips it all up again and clips, basically, one hair at a time. Clip, measure. clip, measure. It was very....deliberate. Finally, an hour later, he hands me back to Ralphie for the blow out. Why do salon blow dries take so long? It's like the blow drier contains the exhalations of a single vole. Then Sam comes back, runs his fingers through it again, and sends me on my way. I was basically pleased, although honestly, after all that work, I ought to be unrecognizable.

Taking a picture of myself is always a treat. I always get one of 4 looks.
"What the hell are you doing?!"

"I will CUT you."

The Hypnotist

I spared you the most common one: "Dude, this is good weed!" But yes, I took many and those are the cream of the crop. I'm ever so photogenic.

To paraphrase Vincent, "It's a good haircut, but it ain't worth no fuckin' $75."

Goo Goo Goo Joob

2007-07-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's all right now...of course, it's after midnight, but still. I can breathe in here. It's been one of those days where it's so hot and humid that showers just keep breaking out randomly. We went to the Middletown carnival tonight and it kept...sneezing rain. Just as refreshing as it sounds.

I got into a Beatles argument with Jerry. He mentioned that a friend had paid $500 to see Paul McCartney (honestly, every time I see that poster of him in the Starbucks, I want to poke him in the eye. You're 75 years old, dude. You are so past cute. Stop it.) and I said that I wouldn't pay that for the Beatles Back From The Dead Tour. And HE said...deep breath..."It would be the same thing, since McCartney WAS the Beatles." Seriously. He said that. When my head stopped spinning around shooting flames outta my eyes, I said, "The Beatles without John Lennon is The Monkeys." Jerry retorted, gesturing at the band a yonder, "So what do you think they'll play first-- a Lennon or McCartney tune?" I looked at them. Sequined vests. One dude in a band hat. Whimsical mustaches..."I'm gonna go with McCartney there." He realized his flawed analogy. "Okay, if you went around here asking people to name a Beatles tune, I bet almost all of them would name one penned by McCarney." "Probably. But if I went someplace cool..." Bev was cracking up. But seriously? Revolution? In My Life? Norwegian Wood? Girl? C'mon! He can have "Michelle." Philistine. And I'll just leave my brief childhood marriage to Ringo unspoken. I'm quite sure that "Octopus' Garden" is an undiscovered work of genius.

Good to know that arguments I had in junior high can still be relevant 28 years later.

More to come in the next cool snap. I shall go to bed humming Across the Universe...

eehhhhhnnnn

2007-07-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

So. hot. Computer.room.has.no.a/c unit... to come...4th of July...PdPalooza...maybe other stuff...but now...back to my room...

The Green Tent

2007-06-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

At the swim meet last weekend, I was very covetous of the pop-up canopies people had. Because this is America, I soothed my covetousness by buying my own. I watched a family pop theirs up and lay down a big rug and throw pillows all over and a little table...I couldn't take it. 'Way back when--I don't even know when or where--I had a friend that belonged to a private pool . She took me with her and I saw cabanas for the first time. They were these three sided affairs, so that you could see in and see what you didn't have. Each was decorated according to its owner's style. I still remember one with a poodle theme. They had these low gates in front to keep us riff-raff from wandering in. Friend's family didn't HAVE a cabana (losers), but that image has stayed with me at least 30 years.

I've always fancied little personalized spaces. I actually kind of want an office cubicle to decorate. No job, mind you. Just a cubicle. I long harbored dreams of driving an 18 wheeler b/c I loved that little cab space--just imagine all I could do with it! And I wouldn't even have to share it with truck stop hookers! I college, my dad built me a loft bed out of old KMart shelving. It made my bed 6 feet in the air, which is bad news if you're coming home drunk (not that I ever did, of course. Hi Mom!), so I reconfigured it so that my bed was on the floor (much better) and I had a little den about 3 feet up. I surrounded it with curtains and put in my bean bag chair and stereo. I loved it. Yes, I even kinda love the idea of Japanese capsule hotels. So I guess it works out well that I live in an old house with lots of tiny choppy rooms. Yes. well. It's GOOD that I bump into walls all day.

Anyway...I got my tent. I got it at the Everything-here-fell-off-a-truck mall, so god knows if it will work. But I have my fantasies of a tent like the Weasleys had at the Quidditch world cup. On the outside, just a tent. But inside, opulence. And, just maybe, poodles.

The summer thus far...

2007-06-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

We're only in the first week, but already I need to sum the summer. And I'm the one who swore that summer would be spent doing nothing. Well, we have, kind of, but I took pictures of it, so you have to look.

Last weekend, we had our mock swim meet (yes, go ahead and make a joke about mocking swimmers, god knows I do. Make the joke, that is, not mock the swimmers.). Can I just say that Julianna is blowing me away? Last year she was...slow. She was new to swimming strokes, so it was understandable, but it was certainly surprising the two times she won heat ribbons. Okay, once she was against a really fat girl who clearly had some kind of learning disability. I'm not kidding, so it isn't mean. It's just true. And, well, funny. But this year! She is really burning up the lane. Last year, I'd watch the other girls write "Eat my bubbles" on their backs and think, "Oh please, don't ask for that so I don't die of irony poisoning." But she can do it now. Perversely, when she could barely drag herself over the line, I was totally laid back, all "go have fun." But now that she could actually do okay? I'm all "You're breathing on every stroke! You need to only breathe every other one or less!" Yes. It's true. I can't swim and I'm all swim coach on my kid.

So anyway, she swam in the mock meet. In this one she's next to Brooke, who is only 6. She shouldn't be in the heat and was in by mistake. No, she didn't only beat a 6 year old. Geez.

And here she is, mid stroke. Breathing. Sheesh.

And here she is, eating muffins with Brooke afterward (Brooke is dancing to Brent's themesong):

No, she didn't have to show her boobs to get the beads, you sicko. They were handed out to all the swimmers.

The best thing is that she just LOVES swimming. She's so happy in the water. She races for fun. She even can hold her own against Oksanna, whom my friend Denise imported from Russia JUST to kick all of our kids' butts. So we've been at the pool almost every evening (in addition to her morning swim team practice). Ben is a totally different kid in the water. Last year, he couldn't stand to have water on his face. Now, he jumps off the diving board. He probably could have joined the team this year, but I think he'll do better if he's had some more lessons and has even more confidence. Lily loves the water, but still doesn't want it on her face. It'll come, I'm sure. We're there most nights from 4 or 5 until 8:30. And, in case you're wondering, no, it doesn't make them go right to sleep. Sigh.

Look, Lily is still cute!

Today, we went hiking. The weather was just gorgeous, so we headed out to our usual trail at Cunningham Falls. The cliff trail is just long enough (just under a mile) that we feel like we've hiked. Lily is totally done by the end, but I never have to carry her. Perfect. We hiked to the falls and had lunch and the kids waded around. My camera battery wasn't charged, so I have only a few phone pics. Kids in the water:

And we found these huge ass millipedes. I'd never seen them this big in the wild and we saw three today:

They were really cool and I got to be Cool Mom and hold them for kids who came along behind us on the trail. It was hard to convince Lily that he had to be left behind and not taken home as a pet. She's had joint custody of a cricket with Taro, a boy that lives up the street.

Then we went to the orchard to buy cherries. And then to Candyland!
I kept saying "Come on kids! It's Caaaandyland!" leading them to speculate what organ one might lose at Candyland. Ben suggested that I distract the staff while they load up on candy, so that if anyone loses a kidney, it's me. Rotten kids.

teacher let the monkeys out!

2007-06-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day of school. I celebrated by coming home from dropping the kids off and taking my last morning nap until fall. I even set my alarm wrong and overslept so that I had to dash out of the house still groggy and all sleep-mouthed. yay!

I've been utterly worthless ever since. I did manage to take my camera in and take end-of-year pics for comparison's purposes:

Look at the growth on those first two kids! Lily has changed the least, I think.

And now there are like 30 kids in my yard. Well, there were. It's gone quiet. I think I heard a "ready or not, here I come" so I"m assuming they're hiding on purpose. Pizza's on the stove. Taro and Maeve came over to give Lily custody of the cricket they caught yesterday and are "sharing." Allie came home with Julianna after school. Kaileigh is here from up the street. Wolfgang is around here somewhere...So we've hit the ground running. I'll get a big water cooler for outside and lay in a supply of bunny crackers. We've got a "mock" swim meet tomorrow (you call that a crawlstroke? I've seen better crawling on NEWBORNS!) at 7:45 am. so let the summer commence!

Give 'em the finger

2007-06-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Lily's class had their end-of-year carnival. It was an intimidatingly well run affair with 7 stations and bell-ringing to tell the kids when to switch stations...lists of things to check off...organized, color-coded groups... Anyway, I was manning the "decorate a photo frame" station, in which the kids got to stick stickers to a paper frame. This took them about 3 minutes, leaving a LOT of time for me to distract them from wandering around the room. This seems to be the theme of my life lately, corralling other people's preschoolers. This time, I let them take extra stickers and put them on my face. This was High Comedy, I tell you. Then I showed them my secret disguise...the finger mustache. I know it will be hard to believe, but the second photo is me, also.

This brilliant idea was shown to me by Michelle of Small Angels, who totally has awesomeness baked right in. And, as she pointed out, the very best thing about the finger mustache is that it's got websites. Oh yes. I was all, "I have my tattoo. How awesome would this be?" Awesome yes, but common enough that tattoo sites will point out that it should be considered a "novelty tattoo" b/c that area of skin gets so much friction that it can mess up your tat. Here is a very very awesome local news--FOX news, no less--story about the Finger Mustache Phenomenon. I'm clearly sooo far behind the curve.

And, as all things internet must, it turned to cats:

It's the internet exponent. Anything funny is made that much funnier by the addition of cats. And hell, you have 10 fingers, why not get an emo tear, too?

My kids reacted to my clever disguise as follows: Ben nearly cracked a rib laughing. Julianna thought I was telling her she had something on her lip and went into that panicked wiping-off gesture. Lily said, "I know it's you, Mommy."

Personally, I'm partial to the handlebar finger mustache, but I suspect the Hitler would be a hoot as well. Especially on a cat. And then you could send it in to catsthatlooklikehitler.com . I love you, internets.

Your cuteness update

2007-06-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry. I've been lax in my cute-kid-photo-uploading duties. I just haven't felt like sitting at the computer lately. I KNOW! It's probably just a virus or something. I'm sure I'll be back to my monitor lizard status before long.

It's gorgeous today. I've just been chased from my hammock by rampaging gnat hoards. Spent the morning horseback riding. Successfully. Lily got to ride her own pony today, holding the reins and all. Even got to trot on the long line. Julianna's looking much better and really getting into this whole horse thing. New foals all over the place. Looky:

Phone pic. Sorry. But sooo cute. No, this isn't the one Julianna camped out to see, but was born the day after that one was.

Last weekend was crazed. Dance recital, school auction. Cute will come, but first, auction report. I helped the preschoolers in Lily's class to make a bird bath. They mosaic-ed the basin and I traced their hands for the base:

With the kindergarteners, I had them make drawings of things they'd see outside ("fine, okay, yes, you'd see pirates outside. Draw a pirate ship. Great. Just no aliens!") and I decoupaged them onto a trunk I painted. I'd asked for gender non-specific dress-up items to put inside, but that utterly stymied the parents, so I filled it myself--cape, tunic, velvet slippers, hats, glasses, goggles, fake hair, leis, a feather boa, a dog collar.

I helped Ben's class put their quilt together. Their teacher had gotten a quilt kitfrom Oriental Trading Company that just required tying squares together, but we thought it would look better with a border and a backing. It's an Earth Day quilt:

And I donated a vintage-y apron and a fabulous Six Gables Original bag:

So I was a wee bit busy leading up to the auction. Because heaven knows I didn't get started until everyone else was loaded into the car to leave. Planning ahead is for corporate drones, man. I'm an artist.

In the midst of all this was the dance recital. You may remember that we went to this last year as well. The cute has not faded. Yea, I shall continue to attend this recital long after my own children have realized that their career in dance is not to be and moved on to other things. Cute, I'm telling you. Again, it appeared as if the dance teachers had just gone out and bought some costumes they liked, picked out some music, and then rounded up kids off the street. And, now that I think about it...we aren't allowed to watch the practices. I bet they aren't rehearsing at all. I bet they have them in there knotting Turkish rugs. Then they just turn the kids out on stageand the parents are convinced that driving in every week and paying 300 bucks a kid was totally worth it. hmpf. But, well, it was.

I chaperoned the first Act, since both Julianna and Lily were in the second act. If, when they'd asked for chaperones, they'd said, "We need people to hang out back stage and try to keep 12 five-year olds quiet for 30 minutes. They will want to crawl all over you and you will sit on the cement floor in your pretty summer dress that you got at Goodwill for 4 bucks, even though the tags were still on," there's no way I'd have caved. But I tend to step in when it becomes clear that no one else will (suck-er) and I ended up in the above scenario. On the floor, covered in the spandex-bedecked spawn of strangers. I survived. Got them on stage to stand there and watch the enthusiastic teenager do their dance while they shuffled listlessly and scanned the audience for Mommy. Then I got to see MY girls.

Of course, we can't take photos during the performance b/c this is a Serious Thing. And it's just as well b/c I didn't stand in line at 5 am to get tickets (no. Really.) and thus was in the balcony again. After the show, until they got hustled off, the girls got to dance around on the stage a bit:

Not the best quality, but still...CUTE. Having gone two years in a row, I think I could be a successful choreographer for this show. There are two kinds of numbers the audience really goes for:
1. Songs we know accompanying adorable small children meandering around.
2. Attempts at actual ballet. This is far more novel than you'd think. Most of the dances had a...modern feel. I feel I should write a letter that goes something like:

Dear YMCA dance people,
Enclosed please find 300 dollars and my commitment to drive my child to a lesson every week. In exchange I demand the following:
1. a tutu, not some stupid pajama looking ensemble or, god forbid, a jumpsuit. I want a tutu that either sticks out or hangs to the ankle. It should be worn with white or pink tights and pink or black ballet shoes. Hair in a bun.
2. Music that I can remember for either Music Appreciation class or Bugs Bunny. No howling ballads from modern songstresses.
3. At least once in the dance, the children must hold their arms gracefully over their heads and twirl slowly--on tippytoes--in a circle.
That's all I want. Thank you
Deana Greenberg

Oh, and here's me in my cutey tooty dress from Goodwill:

the payoff

2007-06-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

You know? Having kids is totally worth it when you get to see your 4 year old dancing around 1980s action figures and singing "Buffalo Soldier."

At a yard sale today, Lily picked up a box of "Golden Girl" figures. Sadly, they are not the likenesses of Bea Arthur and clan. They're these He-Man looking gals with buff bellies and large, dangerous thighs. And they LOVE Bob Marley.

: Buffalo soldjah! Dweadlock rasta

: Hey yo yo! Hey hey yo yo! Hey yo yo, yo yo-yo yo yo!

: Fighting on arrivah! Fighting for survivah!

Seriously, you should get yourself a kid.

Last weekend

2007-05-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

I fall so behind. I swear. Anyway, last weekend, I took the kids to my folks' timeshare condo in Ocean City, MD. The kids had a blast. They were so utterly stunned by the mini golf courses and fancy lights and cars and things that I felt guilty about the fact that we never take actual vacations (excepting Disney of course). I grew up going to Rehoboth, so it's only later in life that I've come to appreciate OC as the Baltimore-by-the-sea that it is. Rehoboth is all tasteful boutiques and preppy shops. Sure, there are skanky boardwalk folk, but the overall feel of the place is tasteful by beach standards. Rehoboth looks like this :

Ocean City, on the other hand, has this feel...

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this place. But in a different way. It was car show weekend, so the custom hot rod crowd was out in force, too. The noise. Oy, the noise. But again, the kids loved it.

What they mostly love is the free-flowing junk food. If I go to Ocean City, I have to get Fisher's popcorn--one tub of caramel, one tub of white cheddar. And, you know, even though the Rehoboth location has the cool sign, you may as well get some Dolle's taffy while you're there. Oh, new thing at Dolle's--labels that tell you what flavor you're about to bite into. Only not all of them have a flavor listed; while some say "Lime" or "Peanut Butter" [gimme!], others say "Ocean City, MD." So we wondered, is that the flavor? "Mmm, mine tastes like stale popcorn and seagull poop!" "Mine tastes like a tatooed fat girl in a bikini!" Julianna feels that it is her birthright to "make" a Tshirt every time she hits a boardwalk. (actual quote from her on the boardwalk, "Mom look! A T-shirt shop!" really? what're the odds?). The smell of that heat transfer machine makes me flash back to my own sand-caked childhood, so I generally give in. Then, playing in the sand!

The only camera I had was my phone, so the quality isn't great. But here are Mikayla and Ben, making Julianna into a mermaid:

Lily and Emma came up to us and said, "Look! We're pregnant and we're only little kids!" Like that's odd in Ocean City.

Tash brought her puppy along. He's a 4 month old pit bull that looks like the dog from the Little Rascals. He drew a lot of attention (and not only when he barfed a week's worth of food right on the boardwalk). At first, it was all boys, and I accused her of getting a dog just to pick up guys. But then came the lesbians. And then the weird couples with matching air-brushed Tshirts...so really, she could have her pick! She's a clever, clever girl.

I bought Emma and Lily some putty that comes in a plastic toilet and makes farting sounds when you push on it. This is, as you might imagine, hilarious. Forever. "It Fahted!!" I'm a good auntie.

Here are the girls. You can barely make out Ben ahead of them in yellow pants and a white hooded sweatshirt (in spite of the 80 some degree weather. It was new. What can you do).

Lily and Emma are buddies. It's terribly sweet:

That's Tash's butt on the right. Mine is too dainty to even photograph.

So, now they've been to the beach this year, and that's all they get until after Labor Day b/c there is no WAY I'm fighting traffic before then.

Once more into the breech. Or beech.

2007-05-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

My butt has healed, thank you. It was not nearly asbad as one would expect. And yes, I have a helmet now.

Because I'm not so much with the learning, I chaparoned anotherfield trip with Julianna's class. This time, we were off toThorpewood which promisedless lengthy trails and thus, less likelihood that I'd have to eatthe weakest child to survive. Nonetheless, I brought 2 litersof water, a compass, and a whistle. The school, who apparentlysaw I was on the roster, provided two way radios. Forgot my earplugs,though. That becomes important later.

So we started our tour in the main building which is absolutelygorgeous and if you have reason to get married in Frederick County, Ihighly recommend it. Provided that you are a hippy and so areyour guests b/c they have composting toilets. Which are cool, butprobably not for the super-chic set. Oh, and I can't reallyrecommend having your guests peer down the toilets with flashlights,like we did. It's not festive. But very green! Hooray for compost!

After our introduction to decomposition and worms, we were turnedout to hike the grounds until lunch time. The map wasclearly labeled "Not to Scale." Which, why bother? Why not just line up drawings of the stuff on the site and say "Thisstuff is here somewhere, in more or less this order. Goodluck!" I was missing two of my hikers from Sugarloaf (onlytwo? you say. Well, one of the ones I had again was mydaughter and the other was her best friend who is very loyal). I had a group of 6, one of which, I was bummed to note, was TheTalker. I'd sat next to her on the bus to Sugarloaf and she hadchattered at me the whole time. On the trip to Thorpewood, shesang--dramatically--and did those handclappy "Miss Mary Mack"things that still make me feel like a loser b/c I was always the kidthat just held up her hands motionlessly and let the cool girl do herclappity pattycakey thing. But now I'm cool and that girl is abig fat loser. Nyah. Oh yes, the story. Right. So The Talkergets her hands on a map. She immediately proclaims the right pathfor our group. She is very bossy about it. It should be noted atthis point that she wasn't winning a lot of Trail Master points forshowing up in a miniskirt and not having a waterbottle. The othergirls were really easy going and very "okay whatever" aboutthe whole thing. They were happy to be outside on a pretty day withthe promise of strawberries in the garden when we reached it. Themap suggested that the path we needed was to the left. It was, ofcourse, to the right. Fine. So we set off up the path. The girlsran like deer, I called them back because there appeared to be 3 or 4paths in about the same area, yet the map showed one. Who in thehell makes trail maps? Drunken sailors? Corporate types that hatepachouli smelling hikers? I mean, damn, how hard can it be? Anyway. The Talker was being seriously bossy about which way to go. She wasannoying me loads, and turning into quite a PITA, but the other girlswere cool with following her commands, so fine. Off they bounded,leaving Julianna and Ally--my battle scarred buddies fromSugarloaf--to worry about whether this was the right way. Would webe forced to wander aimlessly again? Then the shout that they'dfound the garden. The map made it look like we'd be walking forages, in reality, it wasn't much farther than my lawn. It justzigzagged through the trees a lot.

So they descended on the garden, we soon saw the other groupscoming too, and everyone ate strawberries. It was, it must be said,a lovely change to hear the voices of the other groups the wholetime. At Sugarloaf we did not see a soul from when we split up untilMike came to us with the water. I had to repeat the "They saida FEW strawberries!" rule several times. It is hard to stop atjust two barely ripe strawberries, apparently. Okay, so gardenexamined, I dragged them to the chestnut grove. I was very excitedto see these back-bred blight resistant chestnut trees. I think theloss of the American chestnut is very upsetting and how cool is itthat maybe one day they'll be back? Less cool than I thought, itwould seem. So we moved on. Because one field over? OMG PONIES!1! There were 4 Icelandic ponies with their little blunt bang haircutsand fuzzy stout bodies. Chestnut trees. Please. PITA, however,began to grow annoyed. We had trail to cover, people. Let's GO! She was very, very certain that we should take the left turn. Theother girls thought we ought to go straight and they just kind ofheaded that way. "You GUYS! THIS way!" They came alongand we followed Julie Hitler McCoy into...the parking lot. So I tookthe map and the compass and showed them that the other girls were, infact right. And I never ever said, "In your FACE!" I alsodid not correct the girls who said, "SEE? We were right!"PITA huffed "Well if I'm so terrible at directions, why don'tyou just pick me up and carry me!" and burst into tears. Thenshe stopped walking. I went back to her and said, with utmostempathy, "Suck it up, soldier, we have to walk." We foundthe fire ring that was the landmark we sought (like 50 yards away,instead of the half mile the map hinted). The girls decided to sitand chat and talk about camp experiences and be little girls. ExceptYou Know Who. She got very annoyed and muttered under her breath andfinally grouched "Are we just going to sit here all DAY?"Her group mates were growing mutinous, but they rallied. Theyconsulted the map. I forced them to use the compass. We headed intothe forest for a hike that could be hours or minutes, who can tell? We'd been warned that in addition to the poor scale of the map, thetrails were poorly blazed (hooray!) so we were cautious. I keptpointing out various cool plants and fungi and the girls--except theTalker--were impressed and curious and totally delightful. SHE, onthe other hand, kept pissing "Come ON!" Finally, I said"Look. This is not The Amazing Race. This is a nature walk. We are here to see nature, not stomp on it in a grim march to thefinish. There is no trophy. There are no cheering crowds. ChillOUT." Huff. She kept walking really fast.

Then Julianna twisted her ankle. We all stopped to take care ofher, test the ankle, etc. Then I looked up. PITA was gone. Theother girls didn't know where she was. Crap. If I actually lose akid, they are NEVER going to let me chaperone again. Damn her. Luckily, we had those two way radios. "Yellow team. We havelost [PITA]. She got too far ahead and now we don't see her."Flurry of radio activity, she turns up in another group. Phew. Andthen, thankfully, time to go get lunch. When we met up with PITAagain, she was still peeved. I told the story and the teachers werein no way surprised, so I'm not banned from the bus. We gave her alittle talk about how to be a part of a group. And then we fed theponies. And then we went home. So? Anyone want me to take theirkids hiking?

Ow.

2007-05-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

Got thrown from a horse today. It wasn't the first time I've been thrown, but it was the first time in, oh, 25 years. My butt hurts and I suspect I will awaken tomorrow croaking "Oilcan." It was my fault, as is usually the case. I'd never ridden this horse and I annoyed the crap out of her. Sorry. But, ow. And tomorrow I have promised to drive three and a half hours to Ocean City. It's the weekend my parents have their time share there. Know how you can tell? Because it's cold and rainy. They've had this thing for...is it 20 years yet? And I bet it's been cold and/or rainy for 90% of them. Still nice, though. And there's a hot tub, which I suspect I'll need after they pry my stiff sore body from the car.

Shear Genius fans--wtf? No Tab? No Tyson? I'm crushed. But thankful that Anthony is still around to enchant me with that accent.

And it occurs to me I never posted fairy festival photos here. I shall remedy that in the next week. I shall also finish the class projects for the Silent Auction and make a bag and an apron to donate. And try to get some inventory on line. And cure cancer. I'll let you know how it goes.

ANTM. WTF?

2007-05-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Even though I think I called it a while back (didn't I say something like "They haven't had a Latina yet?"), I'm still stunned that they picked Jaslene. Were Naima and Danielle just too articulate? Sure, Naima mumbled and Danielle sounds like Annie off the Pickle Wagon (thanks Caroline's mom!), but they were missing that "dude, what is wrong with her? Is she deaf maybe?" response that Jaslene brings. I wish I had heard Natasha's exit speech..."They picked me to be second because two is a bigger number and I'm going to be big! Also, the winners are never successful in modeling." I really thought Natasha was going to get it b/c Tyra so clearly loves her. But try as she might to mine that girl's shady past, she could not get through the wall. And a wall with no delicious, salty leaks does NOT get to be America's Next Top Model. They totally could have sent her to the Covergirl plant in Baltimore and had her spin it as the Best Field Trip Ever. Her "My Life as a Covergirl" spots would have been awesome. Sigh.

So Jaslene gets to be the first Hispanic, hearing impaired, male, America's Next Top Model. Whatever. I'm holding out for my dream cast now. Good suggestions all. I, too, had considered Elyse, but I was afraid that she might actually be sane. Plus, she gets work and probably wouldn't come. But Janice as Mrs. Garrett is perfect. Gold. I think I'll pitch this...

Oh, and Janet--I actually thought of Amy Jo when I was up that late. Thought I'd end up painting quotes on my wall. And now, I actually may. I've decided our family motto and creed should be "Don't be an asshole." But in Latin so it sounds classy. Amy, get those boys on a translation for me. It'll look lovely above the family room entryway...

Happy Mother's Day!

2007-05-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

I hope all the moms out there had a good day. You probably spent it with your adorable children or something. I used to make my mom breakfast in bed and I'd pour the cereal first, so that by the time the toast was done and the drink poured, the cornflakes were all soggy. Mmm. She ate it anyway because she's a good mommy. Me? I sent my children away. It's become our Mother's Day routine. Saturday afternoon, Steve takes the kids to his folks' house leaving me in the house alone. This is my very favorite thing.

As soon as they left, I went out to the store for provisions (beer and ice cream. duh.). I had big plans to watch Cycle 3 of Top Model and drink beer. So I came home, had an ice cream bar and watched (and had another ice cream bar. And showed remarkable will power not to eat the last one, just to get it over with, you know. ). Then I did some board reading, photo fiddling, had dinner, and had that last ice cream bar. I was going to eat it sooner or later, right? I felt a bit sleepy at 7 and thought I'd lay down for a luxurious evening nap. The breeze was coming in nicely and I lay down to read. Ended up not napping, but got through several chapters in my book. Nine o'clock, time to drink beer and mock skinny girls. Had a beer and some spicy chips. Began to notice how scuzzy the family room was. Well, I'll just sweep up so I can relax a bit. Then it was two am and I'd totally rearranged, changed the curtains, and cleaned. had a second beer so I could actually wind down and get some sleep.

Today, I made all new throw pillow covers, made a slipcover for a chair and cleaned the entryway. Never did get that hammock time. But you know what? I'm lazy almost every day. When the mania hits, it's best to hang with it b/c the house is only going to benefit from it once or twice a year. It's gone now. It'll be torture to even load the dishwasher from here on. But it really was so nice to get something Done. To not have my every move questioned and/or critiqued (I'm looking at you, Lily). No one offered to "help". No one dove into my dirt pile to retrieve a precious scrap of shiny. No one hogged the television. If Mother's Day came quarterly, maybe I'd catch up...

Now. Non-ANTM fans can just move on to another blog. See the sidebar for suggestions. As I mentioned, I've just watched Cycle 3, the one I missed. First--what a weird looking bunch of girls they were. Not Naima-Cycle ugly, but odd nonetheless. Second, I was struck by how much BETTER the show was. Not just in terms of being entertaining, Jade from Cycle 7 was more entertaining that most anything, but as a show. The structure was better, it was more convincing as a model training reality show instead of a staged dramarama. New York is a far, far better setting. It adds an extra bit of character to the show. Having them live in a lovely, but still kind of crowded apartment/hotel works better than having them in the Real World house. And speaking of characters--Janice. It just doesn't work without Janice. Miss J should be a teacher, not a judge. And those who give instruction shouldn't judge. See Project Runway for details. I'd make an exception for Tyra, since it is her show. And speaking of Tyra--she was in nearly every episode. She had one-on-ones (or "cry for me" sessions) several times. She was much more of a mentor. They seemed to be teaching the girls about modeling, rather than just tossing them into photo shoots.

Finally, I want an all-crazy All Star cycle. I want Lisa, Jade, Camille, Kathleen (the really dim girl who got eliminated first this season. I was robbed), ...Help me out here Superfans. Who should be in this house (a really cramped house preferably.

long recovery time

2007-05-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry people. I was clearly traumatized. Or something. Anyway, here I am. I'm hiding inside because the lawn mower guys are here and I'm afraid they might yell at me about all the stuff in the yard. "Dammit lady, we have moved this kiddie pool--that you tried to send to the dump a year ago--4 times already. Get RID of it!" Otherwise I'd be outside staring at the trees, willing them to grow branches where I want to hang the swings. I bought a pogo swing, twizzler, and tetherball set from Hearthsong this week. My plan is to kick the kids outside on the last day of school and not let them back inside until school starts. Generally, they run around in a neighborhood pack, but I feel like I needed something in our yard to lure them up now and again. Besides the chicken, of course. Otherwise, they'll be mooching off of Bev all summer, which makes me feel guilty. Anyway, the stuff came and I'm trying to figure out the logistics of hanging. Of course, they are made to be hung from swingsets, but we have trees, people, not your fancy-schmancy swing sets. Those are for people who don't live on a cliff face. Also, I'm going to need a second Twizzler (mmm...twizzlers) because hanging it so that both Lily and Julianna can use it is proving impossible. So I'll get another and soon my yard will be filled with dizzily staggering children. Hopefully not a preview of the teenage years. ANYway, I've been studying knot tying and trying to determine how best to handle this. I went to the local hardware store and asked the grandpas what to do. So I now have a bunch of rope and rope clamps and rings and things. And a bag of concrete for setting the tetherball. And now the yard guys need to go away so I can do these things.

oh, and I have to go get Lily from school. Right. The little one. I'll go do that now...

A good walk spoiled.

2007-05-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that reading Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods" had me all revved up to take a good hike. So when the call went out for chaparones for Julianna's class field trip to Sugarloaf Mountain, I was all over it. Pick me! Pick me! Luckily, by the time the kids get to Upper Elementary, the parents aren't actually fighting to go on trips, so I was able to go along. I'd never hiked Sugarloaf before, but figured it would be standard class trip fodder: wide path, easy grade.What I packed: a lunch and a water bottle and a field guide to North American Trees to satisfy my need to know everything's name. What I did not pack: a pedometer and a compass and an emergency flare.

My group consisted of Julianna, her good buddy Allie, and two other girls. Before we left, one of them (I'll call her the SlowPoke, for reasons you'll soon see) revealed that she had no water. Luckily Ms. Venus (the teacher, yes, I know) had an extra bottle for her to take. How fortunate it was that she mentioned her lack becomes evident later. We rode the bus (camp songs. dear god help me.) to the base of the mountain. Ms. Venus passed out index cards with cell phone numbers to everyone but me. This becomes important later. We picked up a trail map. This never becomes important, because the map LIES. But here it is, anyway:

It's all lies. Probably doesn't even have North correct. Honestly, looking at that thing gives me hives. I'll move on.

So. Allie had hiked here before and was adamant that we wanted to set off to the right, so we looked at the map to see what that would mean. It looked like we could head off on the yellow trail (that's the one that swings out to the right) and then head for the peak on the blue trail (which, according to the Map of Lies, intersects with the yellow trail after about 3 miles and heads south). Off we go. I"m thinking this is a good plan because the yellow trail is a horse trail that goes around the base of the mountain. SlowPoke is not...fit...and has already warned me "I'm a slow walker." She, unlike the map, does not lie. I figure we'll take a less grueling, if somewhat longer, trek.

So we set off. The trail is, in fact, wide and well traveled. Lots of hoof prints. Julianna was moved to take a picture b/c she found it so pretty:

Little did she know just how MUCH of that we'd be seeing. But yes, pretty. Nice trail. Young trees, mostly (lots of yellow poplar and chinkapin oak, for your information). Julianna and Allie were bounding along ahead like little forest sprites. Ariel was, as she promised, slow. The fourth girl sometimes kept SlowPoke company, sometimes kept me company, sometimes skipped along at the fore. I did a lot of yelling "Julianna! Allie! hold up!" and "[SlowPoke]. You are really going to have to step it up a little." She started moaning fairly early on, which did not endear her to me, Staff Sgt. Mommy. Anyway, we mosied along, with me doing my usual "Hey, look at this fungus!" "Who can tell me how these ferns reproduce?" "Is this a sedimentary rock?" (Yes, I know the answers! I'm testing the children! Because I'm cool Trail Mom!) (And yes, reading members of the Caldwell clan, it is not lost on me that I've turned into Aunt Carolyn. Whatever.) We came upon a stake with "Y 1" on it. "What does that mean?" one of them asked. "I guess it's a mile marker. One mile on the Yellow trail!" So we went along marking our Yellow trail progress by these markers. The map said that the Yellow Trail is a 7 mile loop. So I figured we should start looking for the blue trail around Mile 3. We passed 2, no problem. The kids took a break to play in a pretty stream.

I gave them 5 or so minutes and then said, "let's go so we can get to the overlook by lunchtime!" HAH! FOOL! Shortly after leaving the stream, we passed Y3 and I started paying attention to blazes, looking for a blue one. One of the girls spotted it first. No trail novice, I made certain we could see the next one before heading off up what appeared to be sheer cliff face. Yep, there it was. And, consulting the Contour Map of Lies, it should go up pretty steeply. Up we went. SlowPoke bitched a LOT. And grunted. And moaned. We waited for her to haul her butt up the hill and set off to see if the path got clearer. Hm. No more blazes...Hm. Okay. According to the map, the blue trail should have intersected in both directions. WAs there a blaze on the other side of the trail? I didn't recall one. We went back down. Nope. Okay. No problem. Maybe that wasn't it (but, but, why the 3 or 4 blue blazes? huh?) and we'll just keep looking. A bit further and LOOK! A blue blaze to the right and to the left. Up the hill again! SlowPoke: I am NOT climbing that again. Me: Oh yes, you are. There is no other option. Move it.

We scale the hill again. We find more blue blazes! and a path! Hey look it goes down now, just like the contour map suggests, if a bit more quickly that it looks like it should...
SlowPoke: Are we in the same place?
Me: Nah, forests tend to look the same throughout.
Julianna: Um. I think it's the same. Look at that ravine.
Me: Seen one ravine, you've seen 'em a....crap. It's the same ravine.

Down we go. Back to the yellow trail. Right where we were the first time. To retrace that last little bit of Yellow. Gr. Okay. We'll just shoot for the second intersection of blue. But we've gotta hoof it. So SlowPoke gets sunscreen in her eyes. She is sobbing. I try to ignore her b/c honestly, what am I going to do? And she's been such a drama queen all along, right? It's nothing. Unless it's a scratched cornea and I'm ignoring it just like that band parent did to me during that parade and I had to wear an eye patch for a week. Okay. Okay. I stop and flush her eyes with a bit of her water, leaving her one more good swallow. I give her my sunglasses. We get going. She's a bit happier. We pass Y 5. Hm. Maybe we actually MISSED the first blue intersection and that one we tried twice was the second one. It's 12:30. We're supposed to meet at 1:15 at the peak. I decide we can just go to where we were dropped off and call and have the bus get us there on the way down.

SlowPoke starts crying again as we reach Y6. C'mon! One more mile! We can do it! I use the last of my water to flush her eyes again. Because, you know, we're only a mile from the base and there's a W sign on the map whichmeans there's water! We reach Y 7 and are still in the middle of the woods. We can hear no cars. We have seen not another soul since we left the class at 10:00. Maybe it's just a bit farther? That's when we found the sign announcing the interesection with the blue trail. Well marked it was. Crap. The giddiness that had come from thinking we were near the end crashed into despair. I become grimly determined.

"Okay girls. We're not where we thought we were. But we must be here, at the second interesection. It's not a long hike to the peak. Yes, it's 1:15. No, I don't have anyone's number. Yes, my cell phone service is spotty. But we're fine. Let's head up the blue trail."

I get a voicemail message at 1:30 from Venus. She doesn't leave me a number at which I can reach her. She doesn't know I don't have anyone's number. And the schoolbus needs to get back so that the driver can do his after school rounds. I can do nothing about any of this, and we trudge on. Miraculously, SlowPoke has picked up the pace a bit. Or, more likely, we've slowed down. A lot.

Finally, at 1:45, I get a call from Mike, the teaching assistant. I tell him where we are, based on the M.O.L. (map of lies). We will soon intersect with the white trail, blue and white travel together for a while, but if we stay blue, we'll get to the parking lot. I tell him we are out of water. He says he'll stay and the bus will go back to school. Either a van or another bus will come get us. He'll head toward us with his remaining water. We get renewed energy. Then I pass the Red blaze. Sweet Lion of Zion, what fresh hell is this? I call Mike. Tell him I'm not on the trail I thought I was on. We're on the (wait for it) longer blue trail. But, bless him, he knows where we are now, and tells us we're about 15 min away. After about 10 min, we see him "MR.MIKE!!!!" and we drink one swallow each of water. The bus driver was able to get another driver to take his afternoon route and the bus has been waiting. For an hour. So everybody is there to "cheer" when we finally straggle out of the forest. I spend the 30 bus trip asserting that we were never lost, I always knew what trail we were on. I just didn't know where.

I've checked a few trail review sites, and they're unanimous--the trail map sucks. And those markers? Half mile markers. Who in the HELL marks half miles as 1,2,3? So, I'll be restricted to indoor trips from now on, I imagine. I can just see the kids scrambling to avoid being in my group...

Instead of calling the cops, I'll just tell you

2007-04-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ben packed a duffel bag of crap to take to the Y while Julianna was in dance class. Here is what I found when he opened it when we got there:

nylon rope (about 9 ft)
flashlight
black light
listening device from a spy kit
bug vacuum
goggles
bottle of water
calculator
broken Gameboy
light saber
cat pee smell

R.I.F.

2007-04-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

I've read more in the last month than I've read in the last 2 years. I used to read all the time, and then it just got hard to find the time and then other things took priority. I'd periodically try to read a book and sometimes I'd get through it and sometimes not. But lately I've been on a tear.

The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde It was recommended as a book that "made me think of you." by a couple of people, which always makes me nervous, but I gave it a whirl. It was fun. Kind of a Sue Grafton-meets-Douglas Adams thing. I enjoyed it, but am unlikely to read the others in the series as the heroine just didn't grab me as one I want to spend more time with. So, I can see why others thought of me, but apparently I need to step up my game.

Interesting Times by Terry Pratchett. It's the penultimate of the Rincewind books in the Discworld series. I've been reading them to Steve when we're on car trips. Hilarious. I love, love, love these books. Janet the Hinjew mom has been telling me to read them for ages and she was dead-on. We adore them and see Rincewind as a personal hero.

Is Underground by Joan Aiken. I've been reading Julianna the Dido series that started a-way back with The Wolves of Willoughby Chase, one of my childhood faves. But I only read the first three as a kid and now there are many more. A really captivating group of characters and I love to do all the accents when I read. Reading this and the two previous books left me a bit Britain-soaked, though, so I read...

A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson. I've wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail forever, so I really enjoyed his account of his attempt. It's laugh-out-loud funny as well as really informative. I learned all sorts of stuff and I'm totally jazzed to hike and camp this summer.

Boomsday by Christopher Buckley. I actually read a book before the Washington Post review even came out! I just saw it and picked it up on impluse b/c I loved his Thank You For Smoking and Little Green Men. Funny guy. It's a romp as well, very insider-DC. The premise is that the 20 and 30 somethings get fed up with the Boomers hogging all the resources and come up with a plan to allow them to commit suicide before they become a drain on Social Security. And yet, funny! Buckley is great at dialogue, which is critical to me.

Big Stone Gap by Adriana Trigiani. I enjoyed it, but not as much as I thought I would. People go ape for this series. It IS funny and full of good characters, but they seemed a bit too Northern Exposure Quirky. And the heroine is one of those women who distances herself from real life with books and wears that as a badge of honor. I find that annoying. But I do have the feeling that it's the sort of book in which the characters get into you and hang around and I'll end up reading another one eventually. It's set in the Appalachian mountains of Virginia, so it was fun to see the accent written to sound like one of my Grannies.

Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster. I picked this one up off the bargain table b/c I liked the title and saw the word "funny" all over the cover. And while there IS humor, by the end of the first 30 pages, I wanted to find the author and punch her in the throat. I flipped to a few random points, read a bit and then tossed it in the PBS pile.

I'm currently about 15 pages into Goats by Mark Jude Poirier. I'll let you know.

ANTM was a lame clip show, although we did finally get to see where that panel-mocking photo came from. Nothing new, really except my growing love for Natasha. Shear Genius was fun, even though they eliminated Gay Frodo. Lost was pretty awesome, as is any episode with lots of Jin and Sun, God's most perfectly constructed humans.

Musing on spring

2007-04-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

Why do some people not like dandelions? Why, given the choice between solid green and green with fuzzy yellow polka dots do some choose the former? I walked down to Bev's this morning and I so enjoyed walking through dandelions and violets. I love spring flowers--tulips, lilacs, the usual--but those little wildflowers just make me happy. When I see the occasional lawn that is utterly devoid of yellow spots, I think, "Hm. Small golf course." And they're such cool little guys anyway--growing to just under your mower's height. How can you not love a clever flower? And so tasty are the greens! Embrace the dandelion! Before it destroys you!

I will note here, with pride, that if you google "devil's jockstrap" I'm the #2 hit. I think that goes in the ol' alumni update for sure.

Back to spring--we have baby hamsters! One of our fosters gave birth the day after her arrival. She seemed untroubled by the process. We went in to check on her and she was climbing around on her igloo with one baby hanging out and another one at the foot of the igloo, clawing at the air. They are not cute. We left her to it, as we were told it was stress that sometimes causes them to snack on tasty babies. Angela told us that we could expect her to be grumpy and scarce at first. Then, when the babies get mobile, she'll spend all her time trying to keep them in the nest. Eventually,we'll find her sacked out in the corner, asleep. At that point, you are free to handle the babies b/c now she hates them. I find that it's kind of a speeded up version of human motherhood. So now we're still in the stage where she cries all the time and doesn't even bother buttoning her shirt because the damned babies are just going to want to nurse again in 10 minutes anyway, so why bother? Do we think she still looks fat? Do we even love her any more? could someone please just hand the water bottle down or chuck a sunflower seed in her direction because DAMN she is tired. Is Oprah on? Soon they'll be really cute though. I shall take many photos.

I don't want that to frighten any out there in my reading community who might be pregnant for the first time (YAY!). But yeah, it totally, totally sucks for two months. After about 6, 7 weeks, you'll get a shower and then you'll feel a lot better. Really.

Random shopping rant

2007-04-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

Overheard in line at Borders today:

[clerk on the phone to a customer's answering machine]: Mr. White, this is Mike at Borders, your order has come in. We have your King James Bible on DVD, Deepak Chopra's "Search for Meaning", the "Left Behind" set on audio, and the Complete Nightmare on Elm Street Collector's Edition.

I totally cracked up and the guy that was ringing me up rolled his eyes and said "I know!" I thought about how fun it would be to size people up by their book purchases the same way I do in the grocery store. And then it reminded me of the guy that came to our multi-apartment yard sale several years ago. He purchased a stack of vintage Playboys and a box of disposable gloves.

----------------

So I got it into my head that I was going to buy espadrilles on Sunday. I was in the mall for our weekly Small Angels rodent adoption event. So I left Julianna with the others and headed to Boscovs (I know, but this is the "old mall" where, as Chris Rock so aptly put it, the white people USED to shop. Now it has Boscovs, Bon Ton, a Payless, and an ever changing series of Everthing $insert number here stores where everything seems to have "fallen off of a truck." And the mall has this weird uneven floor like they just slapped tile down without ever smoothing the earth.). I've long said that Bon Ton smells like my Granny (the way she used to smell, that is, don't be gross), but damn if Boscov's doesn't look like her closet. It's like an Alfred Dunner tent sale in there. After wading through the Norton McNaughton and Rafaella to get to the shoes, I was not shocked to find that they did not carry the platform wedge hip espadrilles that would transform my summer wardrobe. Oh, they could transform it all right, just not the way I was hoping.

So I headed to Bon Ton for a whiff of Gran and some hope. I finally FIND their shoe dept (what, are they ashamed to sell shoes? No signage, no logic to the layout of the store...and seriously, how does ANYONE find anything in a dept store? If you needed, say, a black T shirt, you'd have to first figure out what dept to go to--misses? sportswear? career? And further, in the Bon Ton, the high end Ralph Lauren-y stuff is in the front of the store in this clean area with, like, two shirts per rack. Like a total of 30 items of clothing in 1000 square feet. Andalllll the rest of the dreck is cramed onto spin racks so tightly that you can hardly see anything. Welcoming.) and discover they have an eNORmous selection. Like, Zappos has a Frederick outlet or something. Even so, I can't find exactly what I had in mind, but I did try on these shoes by M.U.D.D. that I kind of liked. Hippie chick espadrilles with a crocheted strap over the toe and over the heel...but then ankle laces. I am nearly 40 and I am not a ballerina, so I'm not sure I should be in ankle laces. I tied them at the ankle (not lacing them up my leg so my calf fat could bulge out between the Xs--hot!) and looked in the mirror. Pretty cute. I think I can get away with it. I don't THINK it's too mutton-dressed-as-lamb, and they're cheap, so hey let's get 'em. Off I trot to the counter.

Someone is there already, purchasing many items. Not all of which are shoe related (this will be important later). She is purchasing them for her 93 year old mother (Bless her heart!) who just doesn't have a pretty, comfortable shoe (well, bless her heart!) but she has always liked to be pretty (of COURSE she does)...etc. And she has coupons. And she has to figure out which items will generate the most savings when paired with which coupon. And aparently Bon Ton makes this simple by assigning coupons to different departments and with different amounts and stipulations so that you need a fargin' lawyer to do your shopping, provided you are ever able to FIND the damned shirt you were looking for in the first place. It's clearly going to take a while.

I can see another "Service Center" (and they really should put quotes around it on the sign) and head for it. There is a woman hanging clothes next to it. She is disinclined to indicate that I am visible. "Uh, excuse me? Are you working this register?" "I'm sorry?" "This register [I indicate in case I've suddenly lapsed into Dutch again], are you working it?" "Yes," She looks at the box in my arms as if it were a live chicken (and not the way I look at live chickens, either). "But you have shoes." "Yes. I would like to buy them. With money." "Well, shoes have to be rung up in the shoe department because they get a commission and we don't" More than a hint of bitterness I might add. Ooookay. Maybe we're done buying Mama's Shoes...and there are now 4 people in line. All buying non shoe items which they can purchase wherever they like. And I put my espadrilles back. Perhaps I am not meant for ankle straps after all.

OMG!! PONIES!1!

2007-04-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

We all had our first riding lessons today! heaven. Heaven, I tells you. I loved it all, the smell of the horses, the sound of the clip clop feet and of the grass munching. The nickering. Love, love, love it. I've been away from horses too long. Lily got her little lesson first. I led her around the ring a few times and then Deanna (the instructor) put her on a lounge line. For your viewing pleasure!

Here are Julianna and Rhiannon after catching Veronica and Maple:

And then Lily. She was confident. In the video, you here Deanna say "Was that scary?" You can't quite hear Lily's "Nope." As if it were the silliest thing she could imagine.

She's on Peaches, who was the horse I rode today. Did I mention I got to ride a horse today? YAY!!

Rhiannon and Julianna. This is Julianna's first ever lesson, so please excuse her poor seat. :O)

Okay. That's all. Nothing funny really, just girls and ponies. Yay!

Nastalgia

2007-04-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

I was in the grocery store, looking at the German food section. Mostly pickles and saurkraut and other things I don't want (let's face it, we didn't go to German restaurants when we were there), but then I saw Tchibo coffee! That's what we bought there, the Tchibo cafe was right around the corner and I could just grab a pound. Ah, such good coffee it was. But I am very happy with our current coffee, be it from Starbox (as the kids insist is must be) or the home roast. But still, could I get a mental trip to Germany for the price of a 1/2 lb of coffee? So I just brewed up a bit. I may never get this horrid, horrid taste out of my mouth. Like civet scat filtered through the devil's jockstrap. Was it this bad there? German chocolate is still delicious, I trust that bread is too...but the coffee?

Spring? Is that you?

2007-04-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...I can hear birds chirping. This is an improvement over the freight train roar of the wind. I'm no longer worried that Mildred and her home will come sailing up and smack into my bedroom windows. Sunday night, the wind knocked her house over. Steve and I trudged out in the dark to right it (with me hoping I wouldn't find her little ruby slipper clad feet sticking out from under it). When we set it up she just said "Brawww?" and hopped back on her perch. The next morning, I went to let her out and she poked her head out and thought better of leaving. She'd laid one egg Sunday morning, but that was all we go with all that wind trauma going on. But this morning--egg! Lily ate the last one for lunch...I was a bit weirded out all of the sudden. 39 years of egg eating and it dawns on me that it is made inside a chicken and comes out of its butt. Um...ew. I suspect it will be less weird when we have more chickens and thus, more eggs. And no, I don't have the ETA on those chickens yet. Isn't one enough for you people? Get your own chickens if you're so eager.

For the record, I'm now hooked on Shear Genius on Bravo. Haircut competition. It's awesome, much better than that horrid Top Design. One woman actually wept about how much she loves hair. You can't beat that.

And, Operation Sewing Space continues apace. I'm hoping to get back to bag making soon, getting Six Gables Originals churned out. So save your pennies.

and, ROSE! Thanks for coming by, babe.

Okay, I just gotta say something

2007-04-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'd thought that since it was Sunday and I still hadn't said anything about ANTM last week, I'd just let it go. Couldn't remember what the photos were anyway. So I went back, just to refresh my memory. The CW site is set up so that you have to look at all of a given model's photos to get to the most recent one. OMG, has there ever been a worse portfolio year? These photos are just unusable. My impression is that models sell stuff, right? Generally, in the traditional sense, they model clothes. And sometimes that means a weird or "editorial" (that's ANTM talk for "weird") shoot. But all of these are just odd. The candy/ice cream shots are jarring to look at. The gender-bending shoot? Funny, but who has that in a portfolio? Those idiotic "four sides of me" shots? Amateur. And then this week the comic strip bubble? The shots are cluttered, you can't see the girl, just crappy. The only shots I liked this season were the Dead Girl ones and those aren't on the site any more. Usually, I think that at least the girls leave the show with some nice photographs to take to agents. This year? Not even that. And crappy challenge prizes to boot.

Which brings us to...this week's challenge was the acting challenge. usually at utter hoot, but they didn't give us enough time with it this year. They pulled in Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite to teach acting. Oooookay. So he wasn't able to provide them with the gut-wretching weepfest of seasons past. Tyra will eat him for breakfast for that. Anyway, Renee won the challenge and got to pick "one of [her] friends" to share it. awkward! She just picks Dionne and they are each given a T-shirt. Their reactions REALLY won the acting challenge. "A T-shirt! Oh this is MUCH better than a diamond bracelet or extra photos! Wow!" But it turns out the real prize is that they get to see their babies. Yes, this is the Mama Season. So Renee and Dionne got to see their kids. But Natasha? Sorry babe. "I thought I would get to see Angelina and I coming running out, like where's MY baby?" niiice. "I don't know, they just deecided dat I don' miss my baby as much as other girls?" Yowsa. You make me proud, Tyra Banks.

Okay. Now. Someone help me out. This is in the episode gallery on the CW site. I do not remember it from the show and in a quick buzz through on the youtube uploads, I still don't see it. Did this happen?

I don't want to be missing any mockery.

Oh, and they booted Whitney to make the plane lighter for the overseas trip. Just so you know. Although, given this cycle's budget, I suspect they'll hop a dog for San Diego.

My chicken comes home to roost

2007-04-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

I am now a chicken farmer! Chicken, singular. As in Mildred. She came home from boarding school today. But no more days of lacrosse and smoking and eating disorders for her. Henceforth, she will be a homeschooled chicken. I finished the pen and the coop just in time for what promises to be nasty weather.

Hmm...I think this thing is a chicken...

Behold, Two Gables!

I made it out of an old dresser I found on bulk trash day. All the drawers are out, making nice roosts. Look, Mildred digs it:

And really, what could be more white trash than keeping chickens in old furniture out in the yard? You can take the gal out of the hills...but she'll just move to different hills and get chickens. See, I even have the yard littered with plastic toys--totally for authenticity's sake. I mean, we'd never just leave stuff out for no reason:

Mildred was very happy to be out in a yard, digging up yummy worms and going Bok Bok. Hopefully foxes won't eat her.

Power Tools and Ponies

2007-04-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

Good day yesterday. I made most of my chicken coop, which meant I got to use my new saw and my beloved DeWalt screwdriver. After school, we went to check out a riding instructor. Julianna's friend Rhiannon has been taking lessons there and her mom said it was much nicer than the other one we'd checked out (woman didn't actually seem to LIKE the horses). It was really nice AND I got to clean pony hooves. It's been so long since I leaned against a horse and clicked to get that foot up. I'm sure the woman that runs the stable thought she had a live one. "Seriously, she said she likes to clean hooves. I think we'll be able to charge double." Plus there was a 2 week old foal who let me scratch his ears while he nibbled my jacket. I was in heaven. So I signed the girls and I up. Lily and Julianna will get lessons and I'll get to ride b/c she has so many horses that need exercise. And Ben gets to play video games in a trailer with Rhiannon's two brothers. Everyone wins. Julianna and I are counting the days until next Friday. OMG PONIES!1!

The eleventh plague was Dental Caries

2007-04-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

We went to New Jersey for a Passover seder last weekend. First, of course, the children did the tradtional hunt for plastic eggs filled with candy at the community center. Hunt is actually a rather strong term..."gather" is probably more accurate. Some volunteer just walked around the playground areas tossing eggs out of a box. The kids hunted by age, Julianna found a golden egg which meant she got one of those pre-made Easter baskets. This was an awesome boon because it allowed them to see just how lame those things are. Yes, it looks like they're just stuffed to bursting, but see? You get 3 bags of no-name candy and a mangy stuffed animal. So quit begging. She was very gracious and gave the giraffe hand puppet (which you can't really get your hand all the way into) to Lily and a bag of jelly beans to Ben. Who rewarded her by stealing her Airhead taffy later. But she stole my Ritter Sport chocolate bar so it serves her right. Clearly we all lived through the Depression and need to horde. I knew sticking them in the Bread Line would come back to bite me in the ass.

Behind you! I think I see one!

Then we loaded them and their pile of candy into the van and headed to the grandparents' house. Since we were just there last weekend, we just did a tactical Passover Strike. In by Saturday afternoon, eat, out Sunday night, leaving naught but Mandelbrot crumbs in our wake. Last year our seder with props was a huge hit with the kids, so we wanted to do it again. So we pulled up, said hello, dumped the kids, and went shopping. And, success! For the uninitiated, there comes a time in the seder when the Ten Plagues are discussed. Moses asks Pharaoh to "let my people go" (sing to yourselves, please) and Pharaoh says "as if" and God sends nasty things to get the point across. To liven up the seder and distract the kids from the fact that there's no food on the table yet, we started using props. The first plague was blood--the Nile turns to blood. So Steve sprayed red silly string all over us. Second plague is frogs--little plastic frogs are tossed, they land in the wine and water glasses, enhancing the realism. Third plague is lice--we intended to toss rice and either forgot or it was deemed unkosher for tossing, and tossed farfel instead (a plague of matzoh crumbs! Uncle! Take the slaves and get out!). Fourth plague,wild beasts--plastic jungle animals rain down from above. Fifth plague, cattle disease--we'd wanted one of those noise maker things that emits that very sad "mooo" when you turn it over, but no dice. So Steve just knocked over a few plastic cows. Plague Six, boils--round stickers applied to our faces. Seven, hail--little white balls bouncing around the table. Eight, locusts--plastic bugs join the frogs and jungle critters. Nine, darkness--sunglasses for everyone. Ten, death of the firstborn...well, not so funny. I considered telling Julianna she had to slump over, but it seemed macabre, even for me. And, technically, it was just sons anyway (like Pharoah would care if the girls died. Please), so only Steve would need to slump. Anyway. It was a hit again, but a bit chaotic. Steve plans to work on it. In all his spare time. Which is to say, after we drop off the kids NEXT year. Pictures!
Julianna asks the Four Questions:

Lily shows us a hailstone. Note the dead cow in the background.

Ben with blood in his hair (and a nice squishy ball of blood in his hands), and boils on his face, is struck blind.

As usual, I ate too much and shoved dessert in anyway.

Smoove.

2007-04-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

So today I went into the school when I dropped off the kids because I couldn't remember if it was my day to be a library lady. It wasn't, but I hung around and talked to the on-duty LL and another mom. Then a third mom came in and said that the heat was out in the basement and the lower elementary kids were freezing. I brilliantly suggested taking the lost-and-found bucket down there, letting cold kids rummage. So I went to the office, asked the secretary and then the principal if that was okay. Sure. So I did. And I went to every classroom, telling the teacher what I was doing. Saw and chatted with many people, both adult and child. Went to my car, where I noticed, in my reflection, that I had a glob of cream cheese on the end of my nose. Nice. People, if a person you are talking to has food on his or her nose, assume it is in error and point it out to him or her. thank you. Of course, I'm so wicked cool that now EVERYone is going to be trying to rock the Cream Cheese Nose. As if they could be as cool as me.

And on a related and more painful note. On the morning I took the kids to DC, I put on some pants that I'd been "airing" on the cedar chest. Always comfier on Day 2, right? So I belted them and thought, "ow." then I though "HOLY CRAP OW OW OW!" and yanked off my pants to find a friggin' WASP flopping around on the floor. I squished him with extreme prejudice and noticed that he'd gotten me twice. Asshole. It HURT. And then Ben and Lily started fighting and I couldn't say, "Could you just hold on for a minute b/c Mommy had a WASP in her freakin' PANTS" because neither of them would ever get dressed again. So I just screamed at them and then called Steve and cried. 'Cause ow.

Tags: stupid bugs cream cheese

Global Warming, my ass.

2007-04-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

So we went to DC to see the Cherry Blossoms. But we were a week late b/c they'd already peaked and the arctic winds had blown most of the blossoms off and into the Tidal Basin and the cold weather--with snow flurries!--had kept more from blooming. Yet I had roses in January. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. As you were!

Annnyway...Our neighbors joined us on our journey to the big city. Having lived in DC (okay, Takoma Park, but close enough) I was all old-hand at it, but my compatriots managed to make it clear that we were from Frederick. Poor Jerry gravitated to an old Fare Card machine where he was completely confounded by its refusal to give more than 5 dollars change or allow him to purchase more than one card. It was just as well designed as you'd expect it to be, given it was a DC system. The new machines are marginally more helpful, in that they do at least have a screen that gives you words to suggest that it knows you're there and trying to purchase something. It has a novella's worth of text to tell you how to use it. Very helpful to the non-English speaking population, I'm certain. Luckily, everyone in the DC metro area had relatives on the Mayflower. Once we finally got it to allow us to buy tickets, we had to get the turnstiles to let us through. The kids jammed them in every which way (except the way with the arrow, I'd imagine) clogging up 3 or 4 lanes at once. It really was magical. Bev and I were busting a seam, laughing, the kids were perplexed, Jerry was just baaarely holding it together. But we got on the train. Every time we pulled out of a station, Lily'd say, "Mommy, can I pole dance now?!" I thought it was pretty funny until it occurred to me that someone might think I'm one of those skanky housewives that think it's somehow cute and sexy to have a "pole" installed in my house to dance for "exercise." (and if you have one of those, and children, I'm sorry to have offended you, but not as sorry as I am that you did this) Then I started saying, "Yes, you may dance around the pole when the train starts up again.

So, we got to DC, and wanted to eat lunch. I usually eat lunch at the Old Post Office b/c there's a uncrowded food court in the basement. But when we emerged from the Metro stop, there was a sign advertising a food court in the basement of the Ronald Reagan building which was right in front of us, so we opted to go there. I hoped my skin wouldn't blister in the atmosphere. We walk in the door and the guard asks to see our IDs. Uh...we just want lunch? Yeah, need to see IDs. It finally dawned on me that they were talking driver's license, not a badge and we fumbled those out, after again feeling quite rube-y. But still, damn. The food was overpriced, the venue crowded, but we were fed.

Okay! Where are those trees? We head for the Washington Monument, and see that we are about a week late. Grr. Anyway, the kids were immediately distracted by a steam vent beside the monument. There was this big crowd of kids leaping in and out of the steam and squealing happily when a big burst came out and running up on the grate when it subsided. It was clear that this would be what many of them remembered as the Best Thing about their trip to DC. I was reminded of my post card home to my dad from a vacation (at about age 7) in the Smokey Mountains. It went something like "We're having a good time. Justin pooped in the closet. I went swimming and almost drowned. Love, Deana." You just can't plan a kid's memories.

Then, as we headed from the Monument toward the Reflecting Pool, they found an air vent. More big fun:

We had to go through the new World War II memorial to get to the Lincoln Memorial. I'd never seen it before. It's pretty. Not terribly inspiring, but pretty. Here are the kids, peeing into the pool:

Here we all are, posing as the spineless, sightless, and insane Democratic party:

Then I forced the kids to climb all 88 steps from the reflecting pool to the Lincoln Memorial. And, of course, told them that it's really funny to stand at the top of the steps and say, "I had the strangest dream..." They, for their part, made jokes to the effect of "I knew he was tall, but wow!" and "I bet his boogers could drown you." Respectful. That's what I'm going for.

Julianna was beginning to get very annoyed that we had not yet immersed ourselves in what meager blossoms we could find. So we headed over to a small grove that still had a few flowers on them. I tried not to be bitter about the fact that I hadn't been able to dress the kids in cute spring clothes to pose among the blossoms and snapped a few pictures:

I'm sure you can guess which photo is my favorite.

We worked our way around the Tidal Basin and came to the FDR memorial. I'd never seen it and I really, really liked it. It was well designed, friendly, pretty, and --if you aren't chasing a bunch of kids around--thought provoking. Much better than the WWII, which just seemed to shoot for Grand, and only achieved Boring. There are several waterfalls and lots of big rocks to climb. And, of course, the Bread Line sculpture:

Always respectful. That's us. "Go get in the line and look hungry! It'll be hilarious!"

I think this will be my official press photograph:

It was part of a larger bit of sculpture that Julianna asked to have her picture taken in. She is slumped and sullen as part of the effect. Because she's my little hippie child.

If your screen is too dark, you might not see that the word on the stone behind her is "war." There were a couple "I hate war" sculptures. I presume that FDR said that at some point and it isn't just editorial on the part of the designers.

Ben beside a pool that I'd just told him he could not toss that stick into...

As we headed from FDR toward the Jefferson Memorial, we hit another patch of trees that still had blossoms and I took some MORE photos, b/c dammit, I was getting some cherry tree pictures:

As we headed on to the Jefferson Memorial, I vowed that my heart would actually have to stop at the beauty of the sight before I took any more pictures, so that's it for the photo journey. Ben had long since passed crabby and was well on his way to unbearable, so we sat for a bit and watched some Indian (Ghandi, not Tonto) dancing in front of the Jefferson Memorial. Lily, as usual, could have watched all day. Damned shame we have no Hindu blood. Janet, will you take her? Then we headed toward the Metro again, stopping for ice cream, as you do when it's 50 degrees and windy. Jerry and I were thrilled to find that we had no parking tickets and that there was very little traffic on the way home. Good day all around, in spite of the paltry flower count!

Tags: DC cherry blossoms

The chinese food of television

2007-04-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm always excited on Wednesdays to watch my Top Model. And yet, once it's over, I can hardly remember I saw it. Until I saw Andi mention it, I'd forgotten this episode existed. So I'll keep it short, but I do have a few things to say. What is up with the head scarves? Renee sported one for much of the episode, this French Lieutenant's Woman kind of hood/scarf combo. Very silly with a tank top. Then Brittany was wearing it, which made more sense. That weave is NASTY. It stuck straight out from her head like a beaver's tail. And then Tyra was wearing a huge headband/fake hair combo again. Where is her hair? I grow more and more concerned. I need answers.

My love for Dionne grows. I love to hear her say "Day-um" and "Hay-el" and just generally crack me up. They had this dumb-ass gimmick in which the girls had to make up new names for themselves. Dionne chose "Wholahay," which is just awesome. That, and the exchange when Benny medina asked Renee her name and she said, "Nayim." And he said, "Yes, your name." "Nayim." "I KNOW. You made up a new name? Right?" "yes, it's Nayim." Ah. Maybe there's a problem with that, uh, nayim. And let's hope they aren't expected to keep these stupid names after this episode. Shave them off with Brittany's weave.

I was amused that Jael getting pushed into the pool by 50 cent (seriously dude, get a name) never came up at judging. Jael and Natasha are Teflon coated. Neither of them can win this, but they ARE having fun. The photo shoot was kind of an afterthought, it seemed. It should have been a big and important one--no gimmicks, just the girls, styling themselves. But it was uneventful and under directed. The episode was too much about Benny Medina and Tyra.. But getting to see Jael put Renee in her place did kind of make up for the boringness of the shoots...

Ballet recital preview!

2007-04-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

Lily's dance class had picture day on Monday. This year's costume is really cute with a cherry blossom pattern on it. I want to take her out and pose her in or under a cherry tree but suddenly it's winter again. I'm not amused.

Anyway. They're such show biz veterans, these girls. Here they are before they are "on":

"We are SO bored. Being adorable is just soooo banal."

And then, "Smile girls!":

Then Giant Miss Leslie has to pluck out the girl with the demon eyes who was trying to bore holes into my little grimacing princess:

And....we're back.

2007-04-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

You know, those breaks from the kids are never actually refreshing. I come back, and they all start pissing and moaning about each other and I still want to knock their heads together. I did not return with infinite patience. Maybe I should go on a crappy break so that belligerent children seem like a dream come true (I couldn't get belligerent to look right, so I plugged it--missing an l--into dictionary.com...now it tells you that word in a dozen languages. German? Kriegfuehrend. Now you know). But, I didn't have a crappy trip, I had an awesome trip. Awesome. Capital A.

We stayed at the Warwick Hotel in midtown Mahanttan--the Beatles stayed there! gave two press conferences there! Cary Grant lived there for 12 years!--which was, in itself, very nice. Our room, by NYC standards was huge. Doorman, marble lobby, charming old fashioned touches... Dianu!

We arrived on Friday, checked in, and went out in search of grub. I was starving. And in New York. Without my kids...Whitefish salad, here I come! Mmmm. It was good, but the kitschy overpriced deli only served it in 1 pound portions. That's a LOT of food. AND they charge a $5 sharing fee. Bastids. Benash Deli. Avoid. Then we went back to our rooms and napped. Ahhhhh.

Dinner at Zen Palate, all vegetarian, all delicious. The building itself (Union Square location) was gorgeous, the service was fantastic, the food was world class. And not even unreasonably priced. I'd eat there every week if I lived there. I kept looking, jealously, at the people coming and going from the apartments across the street. Lucky devils. Of course, they were probably living on ramen noodles and Banquet pot pies to afford to live there. So, there's that.

After dinner, we headed over to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater to catch "The Stepfathers" improv show. It was really fun and made Steve and I really sad that we can't go to these shows every week. Or, better, be in them. Improv looks to be the mostest fun. Like being with your funniest friends after one glass of wine. Or, with your less funny friends after more wine. Or, with any random dude much much later. And we saw him, too--on the way out of Connolly's bar, where we went after the show. Some guy was being escorted out by the bartender and his also-drunk-but-still-able-to-walk friend. We went in, had a couple of beers, and played Trivial Pursuit (the bar edition that doesn't have a board. I'm not THAT huge of a geek. Okay, I am. But I had to pack light) just like we used to in Germany. Then back to the Warwick (3 doors up) to bed!

Next day, breakfast at SaraBeth's Kitchen. Fantastic omelet with a yummy corn muffin. I like eating in New York. It's right on the Park, so we walked by there as we headed out to get on line at a TKTS booth. Here we are, Steve looking good, me looking fat and disheveled.

We went to the booth at the South Street Seaport because it has much shorter lines. Even so, we had a wait. We'd hoped to see Avenue Q, but by the time we got to the front, they only had one ticket. Pauly Walnuts had been there scalping along the line, but we decided to go with a ticket that might actually be accepted at the theater. I heard one woman ask him "Where do you get your tickets?" He said, "From a broker." in this perfect "that's all you need to know" NY accent and tone. We ended up getting tix for Chicago when we heard that Bebe Neuwirth was playing Roxie Hart. We took up the rest of the afternoon just strolling around, hitting the garment district so that I could swoon over the bead and trim stores. Seriously people. Swoooning. I cannot even imagine having that much selection. Oh, this store not have your bead? Then walk one door over. Not there either, well go one door over. A-freaking-mazing. I didn't even get to the fabric stores. Thank heavens. Sigh.

One of my favorite things about NYC is all the great deco architecture. Check this out, it's the freight door.

We popped into the Museum of Television and Radio, but it was rather lame. It's a "screening museum" but you have to know what you want ahead of time...No exhibits. No catalog. Seriously, MTR people, I can put you in touch with American Studies majors who would be overjoyed to help you. Probably for free. God knows they aren't doing anything else. You buy me dinner at Sushi Yasuda and I'll do it.

In fact, I will complete most any task for dinner at Sushi Yasuda, which is where we went for dinner. It's a hot place, so we could only get in at 6:00 pm (which is like breakfast time to New Yorkers), and at the bar. But that was a bonus, it turns out. We just asked the sushi chef to make up whatever was good. Turns out nothing was good. It was all fantastic. Not only the best sushi I've ever had, but the best meal I've ever had. Yes, technically, I am a vegetarian, but I was slow to give up sea critters figuring I didn't really have a problem with eating them. But then, when kids came along, it became harder to defend that practice. "You see, honey, fish are not attractive. So it's okay if they die to feed me." So I gave it up for the most part. But get me away from the kids, and sea creatures cower before me. They did not die in vain. We were literally moaning, it was so good. Here, read reviews. The fatty tuna. The uni. The shrimp. (insert Homer noise here) The only thing that wasn't really, really good was the baby squid. Which was just odd. I wish I'd thought to take a photo. It did not look like this: it looked like this: only on rice, wrapped in nori, with its legs kinda dangling and crossed over one another in a very relaxed way. Honestly? I think I'm pretty butch to have put that thing in my mouth. Deprive a gal of meat long enough and there's not telling WHAT she'll eat.

But seriously folks, if you ever see this awning:

rob the next person you see and go in and eat. There's no name on the door, no number, nothing to suggest that you are entering the best restaurant on earth. So. flippin. good. I walked around smiling for a hour after, just because my mouth was so happy.

Chicago was fun. The dancing was amazing. The songs were good. The story was...dark. It was written in 1975, a time when you just didn't write Good Characters. Everyone is flawed, deeply. The only character who might be good? She gets hung. The rest of them are nasty and backstabbing and venal and...really, really good dancers. Did you know that professional dancers have good bodies? They do.

After that, we went back to the UCB to catch Wrestle Slam Mania 2. here's a link to a YouTube recording of one of the "cage matches." Very silly fun. It's like Pro Wrestling only funny...er.

Next day, down to the Lower East Side to buy some food. We got the best bialys I've ever had. And then the best donut I've ever had (even better than KK! I swear! Steve disagrees, but he's wrong). We tried to get babka, but they'd already cleaned up for passover. Go figure, orthodox jews keeping kosher. We did a lot of walking and shopping and then hopped on a bus back to NJ. It was fun. It was delicious.

America's Next Top Car Salesman

2007-03-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

I give up. I love Natasha. I can resist no longer the pull of her deluded optimism. And her ability to be a dude. I mean, I KNEW that Jaslene would be a convincing guy, b/c she has her own penis and stuff, but Natasha blew me away. She's sad b/c all the other girls were dissing her about being a mail order bride. Miss Ivy League Whitney was being especially nasty, but hey, it's working for her. She's (perhaps pathologically) happy, back off. And she misses her kitten. Who doesn't?

Renee, bless her cold black heart, is still causing trouble, pointing out that plus size gals will never be on the cover of Vogue. But seriously folks, she's right. And that's okay. Vogue is not Redbook. It's Vogue. It also will not feature ugly people on the cover. I can't really get up in arms about it. But it did sort of signal that one of the outraged saftig gals was going home. Diana, specifically, because even though she's pretty, she's not even smart enough to pretend she wants to be there.

ANTM continues it's "We lost all of our funding" theme by having the girls model for The House of Sears. I really expected the prize for this challenge to be "You get to keep your outfit!" because it would cost them, like $30. But, for absolutely free, they were able to make the prize extra camera time. Way to save money! Oh, and "Aphrodite's Box"? Totally a strip club. A skanky skanky strip club.

So, as mentioned, the big challenge was to have the girls made up as men and have them model with guys dressed as gals. Dionne is a dead ringer for Chris Rock. Freakily so. Brittany is supposed to be an outdoor guy. But they kind of get deer hunter and hippie hiker dude mixed up. Jael manages to "allow [her] soul to be captured" as a bohemian. And still just looks like a gal with a moustache. Renee is a rock star. Or so she tells us. Again, looks like a mean girl, not a guy. Sarah is even less convincing as a...oh wait, is SHE the rock star? Then what is Renee? And then poor, doomed Diana, who is Dave Foley about 15 years ago. She tells Jay she wants to be ANTM "just cuz". Not a good sign. Tyra doesn't really want a gal who isn't willing to kill for the position. She really, really wanted to make Tiffany work b/c that girl would have cut a bitch that got in her way.

Plus Size Cage Match! It comes down to Diana and Whitney and we know who comes out the other side. So, we're down to this:

Jaslene--in the final three. Won't win b/c she can't talk. or eat.
Brittany--in the final three. She's getting no edit at all right now, so I'm not sure what's going o there.
Dionne--final three. Might take it b/c she has a real job so they don't have to feel bad when the model thing tanks
Jael--fun, but what is she still doing here? The Elite modeling agency woman said she'd not even let her interview. Ouch.
Natasha--cannot pass the commercial episode
Renee--soon, someone will notice that she photographs Lisa-old and she'll be sent home.
Sarah--just not pretty
Whitney--Cover Girl's Queen Latifah position has been filled already. By Queen Latifah.

Tags: antm top model

I'll be found out!

2007-03-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

In three days, I'm going to NYC and I don't know how to dress. Here I can be kinda hip. I'm all boho mom in drapey linen and funky shoes. I'm informed that people in New York still wear all black. I have very little black any more. I've been rocking the Giant Toddler look, all bright, dubiously combined colors and pink mary janes with flowers on them (they're Doc Martens, so I'm still righteous). They'll....they'll know I'm from Maryland and I have kids! They'll know, in spite of my zit, that I'm no longer 25. Dammit.

to whom it may concern

2007-03-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have a request. Either zits or wrinkles, but not both. It just isn't fair. It's not like having a pimples will suddenly get me carded at the liquor store. I suppose if I had to choose between being mistaken for a haggard teen or a pestilent crone, I'd go for the former, but I'd rather not have to choose. Given that the wrinkles are already there, lets just get rid of the zits, shall we? Thanks.

Anyway. Look what I did today!

I'm a farm girl! I put in all those posts and hung all that chicken wire. I just have to make a gate and attach the fence at the bottom. Then I can realize my chicken dream! Which, as it turns out, is about as banal as my dreams get. Anyway. Mildred comes home and I have a source for 6 bantam hens that need rehoming. I know nothing else about them, but heaven knows I never turn down a critter needing a home. Something I really need to work on. I expect to wake up tomorrow morning, wholly unable to move, croaking "oilcan!" but man it felt good to dig the dirt and accomplish something tangible (that my kids will not [better not] undo within the hour) in the sunshine.

Episode 4

2007-03-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

In spite of the TiVo's best efforts, I got to see my ANTM, thanks to YouTube. But maybe TiVo was right because what a boring episode. It started with Renee letting us in on a little secret about the other girls in the house, "I feel like they don't like me." I know, right? In case you were just as blindsided as I, there's a helpful montage of Renee being horrible. She decides she's going to change her attitude. She does this by drawing a picture of Jael in a straight jacket ("but it's not buckled up, see!") Jael being insane, is touched by the gesture. Luckily, she didn't then go on to draw Brittany in a diaper or Natasha on a street corner. Instead, she does this weird grooming thing and braids Brittany's hair. Very primate. I half expected her to pluck out a mite or two and pop it in her mouth.

So they head off to their first challenge and on the way they are pulled over by a "policeman." Poor Natasha looks terrified. The gig is up. She's going back to Russia. But, as it turns out, it's some dude who "vogues." Just as timely as grunge rock. He supposedly teaches them how to pose in preparation for their challenge, which is to navigate a laser maze while posing. Brilliant preparation for modeling. Or for the cat burglery which will support them with the whole modeling thing doesn't pan out. The "winner" is to get an outrageously expensive diamond bracelet that would have about 11K in taxes due. Renee interviews that hocking that baby would go a long way toward paying off her debts. But, alas, she is the only girl who doesn't make it through in time. Even though the vogue guy was saying, "Yeah, you want that prize don't you...but you won't get it that way! BUZZ" Seriously. Had it been anyone but Renee, it would have seemed really mean. Instead? Hilarious. Whitney wins. Renee sobs. You know, honey? I'm thinking maybe slinking through lasers and putting on makeup and posing in candy are not the most sure fire ways to pay the bills. Just saying. You could have flipped a LOT of burgers in this time.

Then, because Jael just had a friend die in the last episode, they do a photo shoot in which they have to pose as crime scene victims. Niiiice. Just like when Kahlen had to pose in a grave just after hearing a friend had died (cycle 4). The shoot is acutally kind of cool and they all look dead, except Renee, who just looks depressed. They try to make a deal out of Jael not being in the game, but meh.

So they eliminate Felicia, which was kind of a damned if she does, damned if she doesn' thing. Several times in this episode I thought, "Wow, she looks JUST like Tyra." So if she wins, it's because Tyra's such an ego maniac that she wants the girl that looks like her. And if she elimnates her--which she did--it's because she can't stand the competition. But anyway, she did NOT deserve to go. Dionne is no where near as pretty. in fact, I keep forgetting Dionne is there. She's hot for a dentist, I'll grant. But a model? nah. I had peggle Felicia as a top 3, so...I dunno. One of the plus-ies, Brittany, and Jaslene. Maybe Jaslene will take it. ick.

Another way in which I'm an unfit mother

2007-03-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, um, Julianna turned 10 on Sunday. I can hardly get to the keyboard fast enough to rant about Top Model, but I only remembered to mention my eldest's hitting double digits in Andi's blog. Bad mommy.

So, she did. She turned all 10 on me with as much fanfare as a slumber party of 5 girls can allow. Which is rather a lot, actually. They managed to make as much noise as Ben's 14-kids-with-lightsabers party. So, so loud. And with their own loud, was the added bonus of Ben screaming that no one likes him and nothing is fair and this is stupid and so on because he wants to join in. In previous parties, it hasn't been a problem. They're just parties in the dining room, all are welcome. But this was a Girls' Slumber Party and a good deal of it took place in Julianna's room. Where all are NOT welcome. Much drama.

Here is the birthday girl blowing out TEN candles on her sleeping bag-shaped birthday cake (yes, it's a lamer version of her 8th cake. It's what she wanted. And yes, those are still Chanukah candles. Who thinks of buying birthday candles when they're out?):

I left the whole party up to her this year. She had a table filled with craft supplies, which led to the making of tissue paper hats:

Then there was the cake and the opening of gifts (see the snow back there? that was our surprise 8 inches [no, not THAT kind. Get your mind out of the gutter], she was afraid it would keep people away):

Then they played Dance Dance Revolution on the PS2. This was hilarious because as one person was on the mat, the others all did the steps along with it. And called out the move. "FRONT FRONT LEFT RIGHT BACK...BACK FRONT RIGHT..."

It's just not dancing unless your tongue hangs out:

Then there were many games of hide-and-seek, which is why I wanted this house. Many cubbies in which to hide. After that, they retreated to Julianna's room, leaving me with the ensuing terror. I think they finally zonked out around midnight. And, looking at that picture, I see that the striped socks in the bathroom are Katie's. Good to know.

Giving away ice to the Eskimos

2007-03-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

As you may recall, Wednesday is Ice Cream Day at the Six Gables Squid Farm and Cafe. We go out for ice cream, rotating turns for choosing. And then fighting about whose turn it really is because we went to Way Cool last week and that couldn't possibly have been her choice, so he must have chosen last week which makes it hers this week and why oh why won't I LISTEN? But today was Lily's day and Lily chooses Rita's every time. Even in winter, when it's closed. "I choose Rita's!" "It's closed." "WHY?!" "Because, just like 3 weeks ago, it's winter and Rita's doesn't open until March." "When is March?" Repeat every three weeks until March. But now it IS March, and Rita's is open. Apparently, on the first day of spring, Rita's gives away Italian Ice. I don't care b/c I don't go to Rita's for frozen Kool-Aid. I go for custard. As do my children (Actually, they like the ice/ice cream combo that Ritas calls a Gelati for some reason). But guess what today is? First day of Spring. Guess how many people were at Rita's? All of them. But that's what Lily wanted. So we stood, shivering in the 40 degree temps, waiting for people to choose their free ice and get the hell out of our way. Why wasn't there a "people who are going to use money" line? Because I would pay extra not to have to wait for free ice.

Then, on the way out, I had to dodge teenagers with saggy pants on bikes (the pants are on the teens, not the bikes). They seemed to have forgotten basic physics--the part about how vans hurt if they run into you. So I was expressing my frustration with having to avoid them. Then I made fun of the guy with the Maynerd G. Krebs beard who had his pants belted, literally, across his butt. Right in the middle. "You don't like teenagers, do you mommy?"
"Well, I don't like when people make stupid choices."
"I think teenagers turn stupid."
"Well, they do, kinda" and then we had a discussion about how teenagers really do get a little stupid and they can't really help it, but it doesn't make it easy to live with them and that cannot be used as an excuse to be rude and I expect better of all of them. So we have that out of the way and I suspect the teen years will be a breeze now.

2007-03-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Makeover shows are always my favorites. All the tears and the drama and the weaves. I never knew anythingabout hairweaves until I watched ANTM. Now, I'm pretty sure I couldgive one. And then pour a beer on it. As they go, this was a prettylow drama makeover. Very few Big Changes caused very few tears. Natasha got the biggest change, but she finds everything to be apositive. Funny how going from Russian poverty to American wealthcan do that to a gal. I expect her to totally snap and kill at leastone contestant.

The biggest surprise of the episode wasthat everyone kinda hates Brittany. Is it because she got thatslammin' trophy with a shoe on top? I can see that would bring outthe haters. She is the girl in the episode title, the one who "CriesAll The Time." And she does seem quick to tear up, but I wasn'tnearly as irritated by her as by Renee, who is, in fact, Satan. Theygave her a really bad haircut, hoping to make her cry (because heavenknows she cried like a damned fountain last week), but nothing. Shelooks a lot like Sharon Stone. And about that old, too. She's allsinewy neck muscles and anger. Not really the Cover Girl look. I'dencourage her to go home to her baby, but honestly? He's probablybetter off.

Brittany does weep a bit at themakeover, but mostly because she's getting a weave and it hurts. White girl heads are not used to being yanked into teeny weenybraids. And the fact that the weave looks faker than Cassandra'ssewn-in wig probably doesn't help her mood. But when she's in thestylist's chair, she admits that she doesn't clean her brushesbecause "dead hair" freaks her out. Ohhhkay. Maybe sincethe weave hair was never "live" to begin with,she'll beokay.

Jael, bless her heart, was concernedthat if she got "normal people" hair, that others would"mistaken my normal hair for a normal attitude." Now ICOULD assume that the editors gave her subtitles because she talkslike she has a mouthful of marbles, but I'm thinkingit's becauseit's funny when models are stupid. Which is why this show isHIlarious. In the end, she needn't have worried because they spent 8hours putting in this weave only to decide to take it back out. THEN they got their tears, oh yes. But even the black girls weresaying they couldn't imagine having to get a weave and get it out allin one day. Jael has street cred now.

They turned Felicia from Tyra to April(Cycle 2 ). Apparently Tyra had had quite enough of the comparisons to her. Shemade a point of mentioning how bad Felicia's hair was, too. I loveTyra.

Natasha's was the big transformation. She went from looking like Aslan to looking like Shannen Doherty. Not everyone can pull that off. As she pointed out, "I thinkzat dis proves, any look can WORK for me." I swear, she shouldbe a motivational speaker or something. If we could bottle herdelusion? Millionaires. Easy.

<gilligantheme>And therest</gilligantheme> No one else was interesting in theslightest. Jaslene's hair isn't nearly as long. Whitney's islonger. Diana's is blonder, Sarah's is less blond. Dionne's is muchshorter and darker. And Cassandra, thankfully, got the wig cut offher head and got a fun, curly afro. It was kind of them to keep heraround long enough to fix her hair. They should have let that girlthat loaned out her weave come in, too.

So, on with the show. This may be theepisode in which Brittany cries a lot, but it's also the episode inwhich I realize that I don't like Diana very much. And I'd beenrooting for her. But she said, "You know what's funny aboutBrittany? She wants sympathy from others. And I'm like so sick ofit already?" Ouch. That hurts like a bad weave, sister. Buteither Brittany really WAS super annoying or fat people aren't asjolly as I've heard. Because then Whitney told her that people cancry about "her boyfriend just got shot or her roommate just gotshot. People don't just cry over every little thing," then sheinterviews that "I told her how it was, I said end of story, andI slapped her up and I gave her the dueces." Damn. Toughcrowd. And Renee giggled into her hand the whole time. Bitches areCOLD.

But it segued right in to the sad musicand Jael finding out a good friend had OD'd. She was sad but buckedup and rocked challenges. Brittany, however, was feeling oogy andwas pretty whiny about it. Which would be annoying, but the mostawesome thing happened because of it. Renee leans in, all concerned,and encourages her to just sit this one out. Go back to the limo.Rest. Think about what you're doing. Now anyone who's see this showbefore knows that if you are sick, you have to work through it(unless you do, and then Tyra might tell you you have to take care ofyourself, but if you're going to take a bet, bet on "workthrough it") Renee was totally trying to get her eliminated. Jael kept coming back with "No, you have to pull yourselftogether honey" and Renee would go right back with the "youreally need to lie down" So awesome. Like those littleangel/devil guys that hang out on the shoulders of cartooncharacters. But neener neener Renee, Brittany won the challenge (aSeventeen mag spread--no more trophies for you! sorry!). Renee satand scowled from under her flop of hair. So pretty. And then, whenBrittany called her on her backstabbing ways, Renee's defense wasbasically: I gossip. Deal. So then Brittany says, "I'm stillkicking your ass in this competition" and Renee flips her thebird. So, so classy.

So the photo shoot was the inevitablenudie shoot. And yet, Brittany reacted with surprise and dismay. Every season. EVERY season, there is a nude shoot. You will get anew hairstyle and you will pose nude. This year, you will pose nudein your new hairstyle. I found it FAR more distressing that theywere going to be covered in food. Ick. And the photos are gross. They are not fierce, they are sticky. But whatever. Renee's picture totally looks like she threw up, and I'd post it, but CW's site doesn't have the close-ups like they used to and you just can't get the full effect in the long shot. So go look at it on Youtube. blech.

Judging, and Tyra is wearing another headscarf with hairpiece. What on EARTH is going on. They did this stupid little "we're cutting Tyra's hair with hedgetrimmers" at the makeover, but it led to no big reveal of a super-short 'do...I'm sure if it were cancer, Tyra would have let us know, so that the tears of the nation could heal her...so what? What does the Tyra wear headgear? Anyway. Cassandra is out. Next will be one of the plus sized gals. Not sure which. At some point soon, it will be brought to our attention that Jael is not rail thin. She will go home. Brittany, Felicia, and Dionne in the final 3 maybe?

enough already

2007-03-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

Right. I said I wanted snow. Now I've had some. Now it can stop, please. Yes, it's lovely to go down to the Donald's and hang out while the kids sled. But enough already, okay? I'm done. I put those boots away in the basement for a reason and that reason was NOT to cause 10 inches of snow. So just cut it out. Thank you.

Sometimes I take a break from hating Allie for peeing all over the place and look at other kitties. Smell free kitties on the computer. I just found this today, The Infinite Cat Project. Starts with a picture of a cat. Then a picture of a cat looking at that picture of a cat on the computer. Then one of another cat looking at an image of that, and so on. Especially awesome when viewed in reverse, subtracting cats.

in today's mail

2007-03-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Model recap tomorrow. I started it and lost it and haven't the stamina to start over. But today, in the mail, I got a hanger catalog. Just hangers. I thought, when I saw it, that surely it was a general Things that Organize Your Closet sort of thing, but no. Just hangers. Here is the website. Yes, that's right, hangers.com. The kids and I had a good time making fun of the sort of person who would be excited by this catalog. Who knew there were hanger nerds? Presumably, some sort of market research went into this company, so presumably there is a market for specialty hangers...I.cannot.imagine. I admit, I hate the wire hangers that come from the dry cleaner b/c they make such creases on shirt shoulders. And, perhaps I'm not a good judge b/c I live in a house built in the first years of the 20th Century when closets were just a place for Satan to hide and not to be built into the homes of the God-fearing, but seriously, hangers? It's not even whimsical and called "What's your hang-up?" or anything. It's Pottery Barn serious. high-end photography. MONOGRAMS. Some of them are labled "Great gift idea!" Note to my male readers: hangers are never, ever a great gift idea. Ever.

More Learning Day fun!

2007-03-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

CRITTER ALERT!!

Apparently there are pygmy elephants. Why this is the first I'm hearing of it, I cannot imagine, but there ARE. I got an email from the Philadelphia Zoo telling me that they're in some sort of partnership with....snzxxxx....boring. don't care. The important thing: Pygmy Elephants!!

Sadly, they are not dog-sized, as I had fervently hoped. They're actually only a couple of feet shorter than regular Asian elephants, which still makes them big critters. But they have "babyish faces" and tails that reach the ground!
Look, look!

(I don't see those tails, people. But they are cute)

So they're fairly recently discovered b/c they're good at hiding and really non agressive. Well, recently discovered by whitey. The Malaysians have been enjoying tasty miniphants for years. Seems they destroy crops, and uh...well, I'll let you read it:

Elephants regularly raid villager's small plantations as well as the larger oil palm plantations for food. Even more upsetting to the local people is the elephants' habit of destroying their graveyards. Elephants pull out grave markers and use the fresh soil for dust bathing.

Yeah. So. Anyway, there are only about a thousand or so left. I'mall of the sudden feeling all conservationist. Save the blasphemouspygmy elephant!!

I have things to teach you.

2007-03-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's Learning Day!

1. Ikea toddler bed mattresses are not made to accommodate the frames of plus-sized grown ups. Grown ups who insist on sleeping on said mattresses in hopes of convincing their four year old to sleep in her own bed will not wake up all at once. They will wake up head and torso first, then one tingly limb at a time. The back pain will come later.

2. When a female echinda is ready to mate, males follow her around, single file. They may follow her for up to six weeks. Then she picks the one with which she will mate and all the others are SOL. It's like Flava of Love. But with monotremes.

3. Lost in Space is worse than you remember. Which stands to reason, really. I mean, with the number of sci-fi geeks out there, willing to glom onto and obsess about any sort of future that involves jumpsuits, if they aren't holding LiS-cons, there has to be a reason. And there is. Ben, however, looooves it. I did get a great line from there. The robot suddenly called out "WARNING! Attitude stabilizer cells losing power! WARNING WARNING!" When the kids are pushing my buttons? That's what they should hear.

4. The male rhea mates with up to 12 females. They all lay their eggs in a nest he has built. Every other day, for as long as 10 days, each female lays one egg. Once the male starts sitting on them, the females just lay more eggs close by. The male scoops them into the nest with a wing or with his beak. Then the females go off in search of more hot bird-on-bird action. The male stays, sitting on as many as 60 eggs. When the babies hatch, he cares for them and protects them. Rheas are hot.

5. If you are so inclined, you can send a squid postcard. It will help if you can read Japanese.

6. tonight: MAKEOVERS!!! For real this time.

Everything Must GO!

2007-03-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

It got warm. That means one thing for me: I get the urge to throw away everything we own and start anew. I want to drag all the furniture, all the toys, all the blankets and linens--everything--to the curb. Or, in our case, to the garage door, where it will fester for a year until we finally get someone out to haul it. Or most of it. Some gets to stay, to remind us where the garbage goes.

I'm trying to satisfy the urge by reclaiming the playroom as a sewing/craft space. I've been sewing in the dining room which doesn't really make for a relaxing eating area. Mixing spaghetti with tape measures...picking straight pins out of the dinner rolls...no good. But there's STUFF in the playroom, and it must move. But where? Where is that extra room that turns up in my dreams? Gah. I'm dragging it all to the curb.

If you've seen something you want, come get it.

I love you, internets.

2007-03-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

So, my boy got me ANTM on i-Tunes last night and now today I find it on You Tube as well. Phew. I knew I couldn't hold out until Sunday for a Make-over show. But guess what? NOT the makeover show. more poop. That seems to come next week, and it appears that they've given Sarah's hair to Renee and Brittany's hair to Jael, which suggests that maybe they've started scalping the girls and switching the scalps around. Which: awesome. And, it will provide much needed tears. Also explains why Kathleen's ginormous afro is gone--too much work. I'd be pissed if I got Cassandra's scalp with the wig sewn onto it though. I really wish they'd give it to Renee because she could really make the live-giving tears flow and flow. Vamptyra would be satiated for weeks.

On with the show! Right off they start giving poor li'l Samantha the sympathetic loser edit. Aw, she's sad. Aw, she doesn't fit in. Aw, she wuvs her daddy. That way, you don't feel badly for her when she goes home. Which, of course, she does. Before they can fix her horrible horrible eyebrows. I hope Tyra can sleep knowing that she has allowed Kathleen's hair and Samantha's eyebrows to continue roaming the earth. I hope she at least feeds Jaslene and gets rid of the Jheri curl before sending her home. Because she's going too. She's getting the Nnenna/Lisa "you take such great photos" early edit. Totally going down. Which is good, because it hurts my eyeballs when she's on screen.

The first Tyra Mail tells the girls "Babies learn to do it. Can you learn it too?" Poop in stores with no changing tables? Projectile vomit while on a bridge in the car? Make grown women cry from sleep deprivation? Oh...walk. Right. Bor-ring. They go to a high school track. OBviously. And can I just say how awesome it is that the Tyra Mails are now written on 8x10 glossies of Vamptyra herself? That way, when they close up on the writing, TYRA! Because sometimes, when I have to go a minute or two without seeing her, I think I'm watching like, C-Span, or something.

So this one time? At band camp? This tranny came outleadingthe band? Miss J meets the girls on a high school track. He's in a band uniform, and not even the band front--like a flag girl (fatty) or a pom (cool)--but in pants, like a dude. There's some feeble attempt to connect being in a marching band with being a model (it TOTALLY works!) and then the girls have to go change into identical polos and shorts and, of course, fugly heels. When they return, Miss J is rocking the Ugly Catholic School Girl look. He schools them in walking, oh-so-briefly, then attempts to teach them a walking routine. I'll just say that the pom squad could have had that routine down--with or without pom-pons or flash gloves--much faster than these poor souls. There is much meandering and crashing into one another and, the reason we are all gathered here together--catty smack-talking.

J tells Natasha that it looks likeshe's marching. She interviews something like "He said I looklike a Martain, so I'm doing good!" oooo-kay. Jaslene is quite convinced that she is queen of the walk. I'm impressed that she doesn't just snap in half, so I'll give her that. But LOOK at her legs. I mean, seriously, shouldn't this be illegal? Shouldn't we intervene, get her hospitalized? She talks like she's deaf, which is fine in a deaf person, but in the non-hearing-impaired, it is rather grating. And yes, I'm sure she isn't hearing impaired, b/c you KNOW that would have come up in front of Vamptyra. With tears of adversity overcome. Delicious, delicious tears.

So sure, it SEEMED silly that they were learning to walk on a high school track, but people, it totally made sense! Because they're going to walk a runway now! To model prom dresses! In...a high school gym.... Okay. We need to stop for a second. Was the budget for this show eliminated? Did they offer Tyra a lump sum for her "talk" show and this show and she blew the whole stack finding actresses that would let her feel their boobs? Because the first episode had them doing a fashion show at Goodwill. And then the second episode didn't even hire an actual photographer and used Nigel. And now they're in a high school gym? And...well, let's just carry on, and you'll see what I mean...

So right, prom dresses. They have tomodel "modern contemporary" (lots of glass and angles?),"eighties," and "ghetto fabulous" (I am too oldto even know what that is). So they wander around, more or lessfollowing their "choreography" while that dude with all thegums from the church fashion show in the last cycle MCs. The moderndresses are boring and the girls' hair looks awful. The come the 80sdresses and Brittany wears MY prom dress, only in plum. The kids inthe audience are really, really enthusiastic, which just shows howhappy they are to be out of class for something other than a Morkimpersonator telling them not to take drugs. And many of them seemmuch younger than high school. Which is just about to becomesignificant. The "ghetto fabulous" dresses start comingout. And so do Sarah's booblets. The reaction shot shows very happyboys, but honestly? I bet no one even noticed.

So MC Gummy critiques the girls, mostlytelling them they were just horrid. There is a moment of beauty whenhe calls Jaslene's name and she lights up, all "yes, tell me howI kicked ass" and then he hands her the bad news: you suck. Herface just falls. And that monster Renee smirks and then interviewsabout how Jaslene is the worst one out there. Awesome. Brittany winsthe challenge and her prize...is it diamonds like Jade got? Is isspa treatment? Dinner out with some fabulous industry exec? Acouple of bucks? NO. No, it is a trophy, as tall as she is, with agold spray painted shoe on top. So see? Jael got to sign acardboard check. Brittany gets a big hunk of junk...what hashappened? Did they spend it all on photo enlargements of Tyra to putall over the house? I'd be mad, is all.

We transition with some "drama"at the house. To sum: Jaslene cries, Renee laughs. Then Natasha,bless, her, tries to read the new Tyra Mail (hey look! it's Tyra! Imust be watching ANTM!) They go back to the highschool to shoot"high school cliches"--like class clown, cheerleader, badgirl, etc. Iguess they couldn't ALL be "psychoticbulimic"...oh right, they did that last season. Jael is the"bookworm" and she's adorable and I kind of love her eventhough she talks like Adrienne (The Model Who Must Not Be Named) fromCycle 1. Sarah is the "class flirt" and she looks reallyweird in this super tight polo shirt that only comes to her waist. She's sure she can do well because she's a photographer. Did youknow that? That she's a photographer? She is. She's aphotographer. And she also has an oddly shaped head and no realtalent that I can spot. When she gets send home, in a couple ofweeks, she can interview that this experience will help herphotography, which is her real love. Dionne (which one is she,again?) poses in front of Mrs. Crapapple's chalk board as the "bad girl." Cassandra (she's the one withthe nose) is the "cheerleader" at one of those cool schoolswhere the cheerleaders don't wear shirts. Okay, then Renee comes in,to be the "class clown." "Class Whining Bitch"was not available, it would seem. She moans about how all the othergirls got to be something they're good at (like virginal Samantabeing the slut or borderline retarded Jael being a bookworm). Andthen Jay tells her to ask Jael for advice. Jael is only to happy tooblige and is nearly incinerated by the hate rays coming from Renee'scigarette smoke-hardened eyes. Samantha has to be the "girlwith the bad repuation" (did your school vote "class slut"in senior superlatives? Mine had "Most Soul" which seemsin poor taste, but even we didn't do class slut. Amy C. totallywould have won, though. You know who you are, Amy.) and Renee sobsthat it isn't fair, that she could have rocked being a slut. And I'mquite certain she is right. Brittany is the "valedictorian"and wears the kind of horrid clothing that smart people favor. Whitney is the "Mean Girl" and looksrather like a man. Diana kicks ASS as the "Class President," I have a crush onher. And she could crush me. 6 foot 1 and BIG. I hope she gets agood makeover so her hair doesn't look greasy all the time. Feliciadoes really well as "the jock." I think she'll go final 3. And yes, Tyra, she does look like you. Then Jaslene does "TheWeirdo." Everyone goes on and on about how great it is..but,um, she's a man, baby. Renee cries about it. Of course. Then theygive Natasha "Teacher's Pet" and she is, again, clueless. I'm thinking it's not just a language barrier. I'm thinking she andKathleen are the Jeopardy team to beat.

Elimination! Tyra is wearing a headscarf over a long silky wig. Again. It is unlike her to sport thesame look two weeks in a row and I think something is up. And Ithink it is connected to the preview we get of next week when shegets an "extreme makeover." We'll see. Anyway. She tellsthe girls how great they all look, but Jaslene is still wearing hergown from the eating disorder clinic. Backwards, no less. So theyreview the photos, Tyra shows us the difference between grabbing yourown boobs like a ho and grabbing those same boobs in "fashion." Best moment: When they tell Natasha she's the biggest spaz since Annin Cycle 3 and she says, "I remember Ann, she was one of themost beautiful girls." Judging, disagreeing, and then there'sTyra, who holds only 11 photos in her hand. But, but...there are 12 girls!! Does this mean someone is going home?! Yes, yes it does. And, as I mentioned, that someone is Samantha. She is sent home for the crime of being boring. And eyebrows. NEXT week, we get the make-overs. And TiVo had better not mess with me.

Tags: antm, top model

Yesterday was poop.

2007-03-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to go see Alfie b/c of the stupid snow. And my TiVo has alzheimer's or something and forgets that the shows we put at the top of the list are the ones we want the most. So it taped X Play instead of Top Model. Bad TiVo. It reruns on Sunday, so I'll see it then (unless I can get it on i-Tunes faster). But grr. I was all ready, beer in one hand, guacamole in the other...and nothing.

in non-ANTM news...

2007-03-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

Since there'll be a new Top Model tonight--MAKEOVERS!!--I thought I'd better get in a family related post to keep the relatives interested. Can't lose my core audience.

Cheese night was a big success. I made each kid a card, lettered A-M for each of our 13 cheeses. Each cheese had a letter on a little flag stuck into it. Then they rated each cheese with a 1 (ew.), 2 (meh), or 3 (woo-HAH). I was surprised to find that they loved almost all of the cheeses, even the bleu. The aged Provolone had no fans in the younger set (but the adults dug it). They also did not care for the vauguely foot-y Grayson. We liked it well enough in the tasting, but later, with red wine, it was REALLY good. Ben gave everything a 2 or 3 except the local seasonal chevre (which wasn't very good, to be honest). He gave the aged provolone and the Grayson a 2, but everything else got a 3. He dug the cheese. The best part was that it showed them that they could take a bite of something they'd never had and even if it didn't taste good, it wouldn't cause them to keel over on the spot. I think I'll try a New Foods night one night and see what happens...

Here's me, my wattle, and Lily:

Julianna and Ben:

They're looking forward to another cheese night and other kids have asked to join in. Cheese party!

I had the kids conferences this week. Ben's teacher told me he is one of her favorites, which warmed my heart. He can be...difficult and is the sort of kid you are either charmed or annoyed by (and sometimes both). It helps that she has a son much like Ben, so she has some tools for dealing with his moods and sensitivities. He's doing fine, but "doesn't challenge himself." I told her that we Greenbergs are a coasting lot, prone to do only as much as is necessary. Poke him.

Julianna's teacher is also awesome. I was waiting out in the hall for my turn, listening to her squealing about some new material she'd gotten to teach square root. She was totally geeking out to this other woman, "I can get the square root of ANY number!! Isn't this so cool!" Any woman who can gush about square roots can teach my kids. If I can keep them from shutting down the moment numbers are mentioned? yay. I can barely pay attention to a phone number b/c my brain is trying so hard to scurry away to someplace safe and number free. She told me that she's so glad to have Julianna because she cannot wait to watch her blossom into a leader. How sweet is that? They aren't even working for tips. So anyway, Julianna is doing fine and can't spell to save her life. Her teacher suggested that she just hopes to help Julianna accept that she can't spell naturally so that she will know to look for help.

Lily's teacher is my least favorite of the lot, but I think it's just that she's not someone I'd choose to hang out with, unlike the other two. I think she's a perfectly good teacher and she seems to enjoy Lily. So I'll get past the fact that her eyebrows are drawn on. She's younger than me. Why does she have no eyebrows? Watch, it was something like chemo and I'll feel like a heel for being catty. For like a minute. I'll recover okay. I'm like that. I was most concerned with seeing if I can get Lily to enter the K program next year instead of the 4 year old program. Her birthday is Sept. 15, so she just misses the official cut-off. The teacher said it shouldn't be a problem for her academically or socially. Just that she "still has some trouble getting past disagreements without crying." Yeah. not my problem. So I'll make an appt with the principal and really play up the whole, " I think she's ready and all of her friends are in that group." and then move into "It is more healing to our Mother Earth if I only drive in twice a day. Risk the wrath of Gaia should you needlessly cause me another year's worth of mid-day journeys down the mountain!" and I'll like shake a rain stick or something. Freak her out a little.

School was canceled today on account of snow flakey things coming from the sky. They've canceled over less, but they've also sent them in with buckets falling from the sky and imminent death forecast. Who knows the ways of the school cancellation person? And who knew that canceled only has one L and cancellation has two? Not I until the helpful red underline pointed it out to me. Guess Julianna comes by that spelling thing naturally (Uncle Brent).

Hopefully, the snow will continue to not matter as I am going to hear Alfie Kohn speak this afternoon. I could use a parenting booster shot about now, so it's good timing. He'll also be talking about The Homework Myth, so I'll take notes.

Here's another cute pic. Even though they'll both likely give up strings after this year, they look so sweet. Until you realize that they were playing two different songs. badly.

Okay, now go set your TiVos (or VCRs for you cave dwellers) to tape Top Model. tonight at 8 on the CW.

Mmm...delicious tears of skinny girls...

2007-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Tyra and I need our skinny girl tears so that we can feel alive. So thankfully America's Next Top Model has returned to me for "Cycle 8" (isn't that dog food for really, really old dogs? Is that ironic in some way?). Two hour premier last night, and best of all, I'd totally forgotten so it was like when the UPS truck drops off something I'd forgotten I'd ordered--Past Me sent Present Me...a present! yay! So I'd just plopped down on the couch with some popcorn, beer, and Steve, bipped on the TiVo, and LOOK! Awesome.

So anyway. They spent the first bit with 32 models sent to "modeling boot camp." Binge, maggot! And now PURGE! I can't HEAR YOU! Where is your cigarette, maggot? I want you to drop and smoke 20! Seeing the Jays in an army jeep was fairly rich, though. It's not as though one would need to ask to tell with those fellas. I was amused to see them going at the girls early for not knowing any designers or anything at all about fashion. They asked them who Richard Avedon is and only Sarah knew. One of the girls (I'm going to assume, based on later behavior, that it was Renee, but I'm not sure) bitched something like, "It's not fair, she only knew the answer because she's a photographer!" She only got the answer write because she knew it! Wah! Truly, the "confessionals" are my favorite thing about this show.

Then they go down to 19 girls, I think? Then 13? I can't remember how it all transpired. I'm never going to land a TWoP gig if I don't obsess. Dammit. Anyway. You can go to CWTV.com if you urgently need to look at our final lucky 13. I was deeply saddened that they got rid of Kathleen. She was so very, very awesome. Dumb as a bag of hair (which she had attached to her head in some manner) from the early-interview "Tyra! You so pretty! "squealing on down to the final misunderstanding about where, exactly fur comes from ("sometimes animals just die, like people, right?)...I shall miss her so. I'd have much rather lost Jael, who pronouces her name as if she were Superman's sister. She talks as if her mouth is full of crackers and she's too stoned to find the water bottle (just drink the bong water, sister, we cannot underSTAND you). I find her relentless love for her fellow humans boring. If I wanted to watch people get along and learn from one another I'd...well honestly, I have no idea where to go for that. I bet it's on CBS, though. Her face was prettier than one would expect from her photos, but she's way too loopy to make it far anyway.

With Kathleen gone, I shall have to turn to the others for entertainment. Sarah, the pathological liar (thanks Imaginary Dawn!) who is a photographer, model, designer, and airline pilot--she will bring out the fangs and claws I imagine. As will Mail Order bride Natasha. Beautiful face, but she's shorter than me, I think (what's up with not giving us stats, CW.com? Hmm?). Oh, and nuts. Which is always fun. They will draw the ire of Renee, a pretty mom from Hawaii. She sobs a lot about her 7 month old son. then go to him you idiot. You are not going to win, so all you are doing is wasting time you could have spent getting a real job with which you could support him. And even if you DO win? Is Naima really setting the world on fire? Will touring the Cover Girl factory in Baltimore keep you in baby formula? go home. And for plain ol' crazy, I'll turn to Jaslene, back for another shot. She looks like Frida Kahlo's son. did take a good pic, though. But sweetie, eat. Have a bread crust. You can split it with Sarah who actually made me gasp when I saw her arms.

There'd been all this buzz that many more of the girls would have meat on their bones this season. Other than Tyra of course (and sure we tease, but she only weighs about 10 lbs less than me. Lets just say she carries it a LOT better). And they did, in fact double the number of plus size models in the final group. Now there are two. A black one and a white one. They are two of the prettier girls in the group. But Whitney (black chick from Dartmouth) can't win b/c Cover Girl already HAS Queen Latifah and Diana can't win b/c she just isn't good enough. Pretty, but not a model. Girl is HUGE though. Like 6'2" or something.

...and the rest. Brittany took a good pic in all her fur, and seems to not be flatlining. But she has that look that I usually like and is usually gone in about 3 episodes. Sorry sweetie. Cassandra has a big nose. She will not win. I'm not sure whether she's the one that sewed a wig onto her head or the one that shared a weave with a friend. Bunch classy, classy dames at any rate. Dionne has two tone hair and otherwise does not stand out and so I shall totally lose her after the make over episode. Felicia is very pretty. She looks a bit like Tyra which could help her b/c Tyra is an ego maniac and thus thinks that she IS the standard of beauty, or it could destroy her b/c There Can BE Only One. And finally,we have Samantha, who looks a bit like a movie star from the 40s. Pretty, will be prettier when they thin her eyebrown. But she has this southern belle accent that makes me hate her (sorry Aunt Pat!).

Otherwise, best moments: When the girl covered in tattoos was heartbroken (and you could see her heart, tattooed above her sternum. For reasons I prefer not to imagine) that she didn't make the cut. And when Renee bitched that Ja-el won the Goodwill challenge b/c she knew how to shop at thrift stores. Yes. yes that is true. And the girl who knows how to walk will win a walking contest. And the girl who knows best how to model...well, she'll come in 3rd or 4th, but hey.

And now, a photo montage:

Yes, this is the BEFORE pic. They had not yet shopped at Goodwill which is not what Jaslene's shoes suggest. And seriously, doesn't Sarah's face just say "Top Model" to you? Jaslene, however, can only say, "so...hungry..." But look, Kathleen's hair was so fierce, it TOWERS over the other girls. I miss her already.

This...this is the sort of skanky fug that gives Goodwill a bad name. They should sue the show.

dontcha miss her? The hair, for one, but a model who can muffin-top wins my love. You must go see her confessional in the bonus footage. Priceless. And look at Diana hulking back there, she's like a damed Big Foot.

"Iss jus' so ridiculous!" What happened to Miss J? He's dressed like a human male.

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what this excitement is over. Was it when they announced that they'd raised like a whole $300 for Goodwill? I think we missed something awesome. Tyra takes a vow of poverty and/or silence. Jay gives up hair and skin color. Janice Dickinson comes back (don't tease)... But I so love that knock-kneed ol' Jaslene is positioned so that Kathleen's hair surrounds her head like a Renaissance era halo.

Note to Heather, who didn't make the cut. You had this nice sad story about your drill sargeant daddy....but you did not cry. Tyra and I cannot live on ribs alone. We need the tears.

next week! One girl goes home and cries that she won't ever give up!

on shopping

2007-02-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

First, Andi: For some reason that makes me happier than it ought to. I've always wanted to be a bassist. Or a drummer. It's nice to know that I'm musical and skinny in some lifetime.

Now. I spent the morning shopping. This is not something I normally do, b/c it is something I normally hate. Most of it was grocery shopping, though, which I do usually enjoy. But when I have a kid or two or three with me, I'm on a mission. Get the items on the list, get out. No, you can't have a smoothie. No, I'm not buying that "cereal." No, you cannot have that toy. I don't buy groceries at the toy store and I don't buy toys at the grocery. Anyway, I went to the co-op by myself. I was going to get bread and cream, but having a chance to actually look at all the food inspired me. Tonight, we'll have roasted veggies on quinoa (yes, Steve, you still have to come home). But tomorrow night, my home-at-7-after-a-zillion-lessons day, we shall have a cheese tasting dinner. I bought a bunch of cheeses and some things to put them on, and some fruit. I'll give the kids each a card to record their favorites. It will be an event. With cheese!

Food gathered, it was a bit after 10. Seemed like a waste to go all the way home, just to leave in an hour to get Lily. So I went to Starbucks to acquire our costly coffee. Then I went into Anne Taylor Loft. I don't usually go into free-standing boutiquey stores b/c I usually have kids with me who would rather just lay on the floor and scream. Which, truthfully? I totally get. But my ass is expanding (thanks, Baking Illustrated! And wine!) and I need a pair of pants. And dammit, I'm not going up a size, so I'll just get more expensive clothes so that they're sized big. Yes, I am precisely that vain. And not a bit more.

Unfortunately, the good buyers at ATL did not get the memo about pant legs becoming less flared. So pants seem to come in bell-bottom or "skinny." You know what, fashion people? Stop putting the word "skinny" on pants larger than size 12. It isn't funny, you aren't fooling anyone. Even if there aren't any quotes around the word, they're thoroughly implied and I'm resentful. And another thing? What is with all the girly girl styling on the tops? Ruffles and puffy sleeves and wittle bows? First, if your bra is larger--in cup or in band--than 34B, don't wear ruffles down the front of your shirt. And if you're older than 24? Don't wear them at all. And those twee little puffy sleeves? No. Just, no. Anything can be pulled off by a 6 foot tall, 120 lb 22 year old. The same is not true of...well, me. And I assure you, there are more of me. Next: Was there some sort of moratorium on natural fibers? Modal is just rayon, people. I am not all a twitter about it. I was trying to go through the sale rack, but the fabrics were so nasty I didn't want to touch them. In spite of being short, fat, and sweaty, I did find a pair of pants and a cotton sweater. On sale. Yay.

On to Target. Steve is taking Ben and Lily to NJ this weekend to check on Great Grandma, since Grandma and Grandpa are in Israel. Julianna is going to stay with me and we'll have a girls' weekend. To sweeten the pot for the smalls, I was planning to get each of them a cool toy to play with while roasting in GGma's apartment. Target didn't have the coveted N-1 Naboo startfighter, so I just browsed the store. I usually can't pay attention to people in the store b/c I've brought my own people with me. See above. But checking out, with some crisp new sheets, I heard the woman behind me saying, <perk> "Can you put that on the band? Can you? Can you just put it up there? YAY! High five! Hey, High Five! C'mon, High Five! YAY! You are such a helper! thanks so much for helping me!" </perk> As her pack of disposable razors and liquid soap (thank god you had help with that!) rolled toward me, I thought "when I turn around to look at her, I hope to god she's got a chimp in that cart with her. A developmentally disabled chimp. Otherwise, my eyes will roll allllll the way back and I'll have to bang my head on the wall to dislodge them." It was just a kid. About four, and clearly past the "Good Job!" stage. By now she knows her mom is a helpless twit and she lords it over her. "Should I put these razors on the band? mmmm...yummy....maybe I'll EAT them! Ahhhhhhh...GOTCHA!"

Lord knows I've never been a font of tolerance, but I find myself so annoyed by moms of small children lately. I was in the librarywith Lily on Monday. We were having a Lily Day and she'd chosen to go the library to read and then out to lunch. So there we were, reading. And there was this little gaggle of Mommies, each with a toddler, just chirping away about Big Boy Beds and Big Girl Panties and I just wanted to nap, listening to them. It seems like a million years and another species ago. I'm so grateful to have bigger kids now. Toddlers are cute, but insane.

Anyway. I've shopped all I want to for at least a week. Turns out stores have people in them. ick.

It's the professionalism that I admire.

2007-02-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned that I don't like going to the dentist? Oh, yes, I did. Well, I still don't. I had my 6 month check-up (didn't they used to be annual? Wasn't that enough?) last week and they noticed that one of my crowns was cracked or something. No idea what, but the upshot is that it had to be fixed. "It could be a really simple thing and you'll be in and out. But I could get in there and see you need a whole new crown. I never know." You don't? Aren't you a dentist? Isn't that your job? And if it's work that YOU did that needs repairing, shouldn't YOU experience the pain instead of me?

Generally, I like my dentist. He's a gangly dork, which I always find endearing. Totally goofy sense of humor and thinks I'm funny. So I let him hurt my mouth. The standard trade-off. Anyway. Last week, I told him that I'm rather a nervous nellie these days, due to that whole exposed nerve/no novacaine incident. He assures me that that never should have happened (really?) and they'll numb me up good. And apparently he made a note of it b/c they were giving me the full mental patient slow-talking today. "How are you feeling? Does it hurt when I clip on this bib?" I'll take it. I get the shot in my jaw. (side note: Like Zaphod Beeblebrox, if I cannot see, I cannot experience stress. So I wore my glasses instead of my contact lenses and took them off just before they started poking around. AUGH here they come!--glasses off--Ahhhh. I'm safe now.) Anyway. Doc tells Assistant that I need to be numb to the middle of my lip before they proceed.

I get a stack of magazines (put my glasses back on) and they leave me, checking now and again to see how it's going. One Family Circle, a US News and World Reports, and a Vacations! later, I'm still only numb to the corner of my mouth. He gives it a go anyway. Oh yes, I feel it, sir. He backs off. I get another shot of the local anesthetic (another note: he keeps saying he wants me to be "comfortably numb" I tell him that this is making me hum Pink Floyd. He says, "oh, well that's why I do it." Because you totally want this image in your patient's head. The he says, "you know what album that's from?" The Wall. duh. "Oh, yeah...it's not Dark Side of the Moon is it? Did you know there was a movie of that?" Yeah. yeah, I did. "So, are you one of those aging rocker chicks?" Lucky he didn't lose a damned hand. Rocker chick indeed.). I now have gallons of whatever-acaine in my system. I get the shakes from it, which is nice, but 3/4 of a Better Homes and Gardens later, my lip is numb and they get to work. It turns out to be the easy scenario, and he's out pretty quickly.

He says he'll make a note that I get a double hit of the anesthetic. "With this new stuff, it's really rare that anyone needs a second dose. But you seem to, at least for the bottom." I'm unique! I get some impressions made for a night guard b/c apparently it is my tooth grinding (I grind my teeth?) that is causing my crowns to break and my teeth to fracture. I get up, head for home, and then my mouth starts to go numb. It feels like I have someone else's tongue in my mouth. Along with mine. And not in a sexy sexy way, either. If I attempt to speak, I end up doing my Bill Cosby routine. For lunch, I had to have a protein shake b/c I cannot feel my tongue or the inside of my mouth and I was afraid I would eat them. Seriously people, it is 2 pm and I can only now feel the middle of my lower lip--the injection was at 8:45. I am only now down to one--albeit one fat one--tongue in my mouth. So it would seem that I just have a really slow metabolism (You? But you're so sleek! It's true, I know, I don't understand it either) and the drugs just don't hit my system very quickly. But I shall not share this with the dentist. For I want that double hit. And the happy gas. And the Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic PerilSensitive Sunglasses.

The rest...of the story

2007-02-26T19:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, no freaky Paul Harvey twist. It was 50 degrees today, so the snow is on its way out, quickly. I just wanted to post our other big weekend event. Julianna was in a dance recital. She'll be in the big one like Lily was in last June, but her Modern Dance I class was invited to perform in the Inner Circle dance concert at the Maryland Ensemble Theater. Inner Circle is the YMCA's youth ballet group (although they do all sorts of dance)--about 12 girls from 10-16 or so. I'm always torn at dance events, particularly modern ones. On the one hand, I really wish that I had that creative outlet, the ability and lack of self-censor that would allow me to move my body to my emotions and the horrid, horrid music. And on the other hand...oy. Once, at the National Building Museum, we saw ---well, you know that quote, "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture"?---that's what we saw. A bunch of women, late 20s to early 50s, dancing about architecture. And that's what modern dance so often reminds me of. That and Kira. Kira was a year ahead of me in college. She was insane. She fancied herself a free spirit and stuff, but in reality she was just nuts. Harmless, to all but herself, but nuts. Her senior year, for her birthday, she put on a dance concert for all her "friends." Which is to say, all the people who were nice to her, but wouldn't loan her money. Because we were bad people, Janet and Janet and I took a bunch of dead flowers to throw at her feet. We thought ourselves hilarious. Luckily, Kira found it a lovely gesture because: nuts. Anyway, she just danced and danced and flung herself about while we sat there, waiting for her to release us. And that's what I tend to think of modern dance.

But it was a bunch of little girls,and they'd obviously worked hard (which then made me think, did they give up their lives for this? Because seriously girls, this will NOT get you a rich husband) so it was sweet. Mostly because it was also short. Julianna's group was in the second act. She was, of course, the biggest kid, a good head taller and many pounds heavier. And, not exactly Isadora Duncan. But she was enjoying it and was DOING it, which is more than her snarky lame mom could do. So yay. And I gave her flowers at the end, which made her very happy.

Yes, the costume is, in fact, hideous. What can you do? She was horrified to have to wear make-up, bless her heart. Hold onto that, sweetie. Oh, and that's one of the taller little girls behind her and over her right shoulder.

Before the recital, while Julianna was in tech rehearsal, Steve and I took Ben and Lily to La Paz for dinner. We hadn't been there since it moved from its really weird alley-behind-the-parking-garage location to its new hip Carroll Creek spot. Meh. It's still noisy and smoky and the food isn't as good. But Ben was sitting there with his nachos, with his hand lying in the food. "Ben," I said, "Don't rest your hand in your food." He's totally indignant, as he is. "MO-OM! I'm NOT just resting it there. I'm moving it around!" Oh, well, all right then. Loon.

Oh look. More snow.

2007-02-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

So winter was late in coming, but it's determined that we don't get shortchanged. Yesterday we got about 7 inches of snow (New York readers: "oh you poor babies."). It was perfect packing snow, so it ended up being fun. Down to the Donald's as usual. This time, the grownups played outside, too. So we had 6 adults and 9 kids sledding and making snow forts and "snow goons" (the kids all read Calvin and Hobbes, it would seem). It's blurry for whatever reason (certainly not my photography skills. Stupid camera), but here's Julianna and Molly with their two-headed snow goon:

Here's Lily and I working on our goon:

I wanted to put bulgy eyes and a snout on our goon. I put sticks in the eye bulges to make them look like evil slitty cat eyes. "Mommy, what are you doing?" I'm giving our goon evil eyes. "NO! It's a snow bunny and it's NICE." So, I had to add eye sticks below what are, apparently, ear bulges. So here's August, posing with the snow frog/bunny/goon thing:

There was sledding. The sound effect you need for this photo is "AAAAAAAUGH! DADDDDY! I WANT TO STOOOOP!":

Even the grown-ups were sledding. Here's Jerry and Bev, lookin' all cute:

"Oh," I thought, after I took this picture," look how cute. What a nice memory. Steve and I should sled too, and Bev will take the photo." Well, Bev and Jerry are smaller than Steve and Deana. We could barely squeeze our bodies onto the Big Sled. And once on, we couldn't steer. And while careening wildly from side to side, we were taking on snow until finally we stopped. Dismount, shake the snow off the sled, try again. Careen. And the camera didn't snap the pic. Sigh. And no WAY were we trudging back up that hill. Seriously, Bev. Drag line. We'll all pitch in. So just imagine that we are looking all fresh faced and wintery and going down the hill, laughing joyfully. The beauty of imagination is that we can leave off the part about "We're going into the brush!" And "I can't steer this thing!" And "My pants are full of snow!"

Snowball fight!

Here's all the kids, looking impossibly healthy and sweet. Except Lily, who is crying b/c she wants water and it wholly unamused by our insistence that snow IS water and she should just eat some.

And then, the bonfire! And marshmallows!

Followed by trudging home and realizing it's 7pm and we haven't had dinner and we can't get the cars out and GAH!

And school's open two hours late, rather than closed entirely. Whatever.

Yummy yummy yummy

2007-02-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

"Mommy! My Love Box is full of candy!" That's really an unnecessary incentive in later years, dear.

Yes, she finally got to have her Valentine's party. Which means she finally went to school. And I took a nap. So when did Valentine's day become a Halloween-caliber orgy of candy? Was it not enough to have those wee little pun-riddled cards to analyze for hidden meanings? It started with the occasional corn-syrup and red-dye riddled lollipop. Now it was a whole load of M&Ms, Fun-dip, Nerds, you name it. All red, of course. I think it's a Nestle-led plot to popularize a holiday that most would otherwise soon learn to scorn. Get them jonesing for Wonka mix when they're young and they'll buy whatever premium line Nestle owns when they grow up (note: I tried to find what the high end stuff is that Nestle undoubtably owns. And I came up with a BBC News story about how some Spanish restaurant is helping them come up with spicy flavors. And THIS:is the pic they used on the story. Um. Ew? Note the authentic British teeth. This? does not sell the newspapers on this side of the pond. You people are never getting your empire back if you keep this up.)

Anyway. In college my buds and I founded Students Against Stupid Holidays and on StVDay, we'd wear all black and our little buttons with a heart in a slash circle and S.A.S.H. on it. For whatever reason the sorority girls took this as a personal affront and got mad at us. Which, of course, we LOVED. I just don't get the Valentine love. I guess the whole Byronic ideal of love being exemplified by chocolate and doilies is lost on me. I find it exemplified by giving me the last cup of coffee and making the children leave me alone so I can nap.

But if you WANT to send me a valentine, I'd rather it wasn't this one:

Or, um, this one. Eep.

whimper

2007-02-20T17:21:00.000-08:00

It's...it's...it's opening 2 hours late again tomorrow. She still isn't going to school. And she's going through this thing where she calls me "Mama" instead of Mommy or Mom or hell, even Deana. I'm not sure why "Mama" sounds skeevy to me, but it does. It has this pleading, wheedling tone that immediately sets me on edge. Yes, of course, in 20 years, I'd pay cash to hear that same voice. But now? I'd like it to go to school for a couple of hours.

So I got a lot of scrapbook pages put together, which is good b/c the only time I get anything done is when we escape 4 times a year. When we went out to dinner, I had a super yummy beer. The others had a drink, too. Then we discussed labor and childbirth. I'm reasonably certain that we did our part to keep the population of Hanover in check. I cannot imagine that anyone within earshot plans to breed at any point in the near future. And really, have you see these people? It's for the best.

The thaw has begun. And, of course, the leaking. Hooray for the leaking! It shows us where the holes are! Hooray!

The freeze was kind of fun, though. On Sunday, a little more snow fell on top of the ice. Lily wanted to go play in it. She made the mistake of going into the backyard, where she promptly slid downhill and couldn't get back. She was in a panic. So I suited up and went after her. And couldn't get back. Now, because Steve was in the house and I could send Ben for help, this was funny, but really? I couldn't get back up the hill. I'd make progress and whooooosh back down. Lily was in hysterics, probably due to that Little House on the Prairie episode with the blizzard and the frozen people. Once Ben brought me the brooms, I was able to smash a little path for us to climb and then Steve grabbed us. It was a little Arctic adventure. But it can go away now, thanks.

Your witness.

2007-02-20T06:17:00.000-08:00

I am suing the Frederick County Public School system for mental distress. Lily has not gone to school since last Monday. Anyone who has a four year old will testify that they really ought to be going a day and a half rather than a half day ANYWAY, and to give them 4 snow days in a row, followed by a 2 hour delay (which means no pre-K)...unconscionable. If she gives me that Clyde response one more time...Well, I'm giving her back to Clint Eastwood, that's all.

I did have a lovely weekend away from my brood. Lara, Bev, and I went to Stacey's to scrapbook. We had dinner out at a bar, like grownups. We stayed up late and napped the next day. It was fun. And I got a lot of pages done. Which is good, because I only seem to get any scrapbook stuff done when we go away. So many crafts, so little time. So few opportunities for the kids to go to school. Anyway, Steve says we were gone about a week. I think we were gone about five hours. Which is to say, I don't really feel that refreshed. It was great, I loved it, but I was not ready to return to the fetch-and-wipe grind.

So, Lily's love box remains empty. They'll have their Valentines (or Valentimes, if you prefer) party somewhere around St. Patty's day. Which is fine, b/c my "holiday" cards are still stacked up on my microwave.

Public schools, man.

2007-02-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

So Lily informs me that Wednesday is Love Day and at school people will put things in her Special Box. I think I need to pay better attention to what is going on in that school.