Last weekend

I fall so behind.  I swear.  Anyway, last weekend, I took the kids to my folks' timeshare condo in Ocean City, MD.  The kids had a blast.  They were so utterly stunned by the mini golf courses and fancy lights and cars and things that I felt guilty about the fact that we never take actual vacations (excepting Disney of course).  I grew up going to Rehoboth, so it's only later in life that I've come to appreciate OC as the Baltimore-by-the-sea that it is.  Rehoboth is all tasteful boutiques and preppy shops.  Sure, there are skanky boardwalk folk, but the overall feel of the place is tasteful by beach standards.  Rehoboth looks like this :


Ocean City, on the other hand, has this feel...


Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this place.  But in a different way.  It was car show weekend, so the custom hot rod crowd was out in force, too.  The noise.  Oy, the noise.  But again, the kids loved it.

What they mostly love is the free-flowing junk food.  If I go to Ocean City, I have to get Fisher's popcorn--one tub of caramel, one tub of white cheddar.  And, you know, even though the Rehoboth location has the cool sign, you may as well get some Dolle's taffy while you're there.  Oh, new thing at Dolle's--labels that tell you what flavor you're about to bite into.  Only not all of them have a flavor listed; while some say "Lime" or "Peanut Butter" [gimme!], others say "Ocean City, MD."  So we wondered, is that the flavor?  "Mmm, mine tastes like stale popcorn and seagull poop!"  "Mine tastes like a tatooed fat girl in a bikini!"  Julianna feels that it is her birthright to "make" a Tshirt every time she hits a boardwalk.  (actual quote from her on the boardwalk, "Mom look!  A T-shirt shop!" really?  what're the odds?).  The smell of that heat transfer machine makes me flash back to my own sand-caked childhood, so I generally give in.  Then, playing in the sand!

The only camera I had was my phone, so the quality isn't great.  But here are Mikayla and Ben, making Julianna into a mermaid:


Lily and Emma came up to us and said, "Look!  We're pregnant and we're only little kids!"  Like that's odd in Ocean City.



Tash brought her puppy along.  He's a 4 month old pit bull that looks like the dog from the Little Rascals.  He drew a lot of attention (and not only when he barfed a week's worth of food right on the boardwalk).  At first, it was all boys, and I accused her of getting a dog just to pick up guys.  But then came the lesbians.  And then the weird couples with matching air-brushed Tshirts...so really, she could have her pick!  She's a clever, clever girl.

I bought Emma and Lily some putty that comes in a plastic toilet and makes farting sounds when you push on it.  This is, as you might imagine, hilarious.  Forever. "It Fahted!!"  I'm a good auntie.

Here are the girls.  You can barely make out Ben ahead of them in yellow pants and a white hooded sweatshirt (in spite of the 80 some degree weather.  It was new. What can you do).



Lily and Emma are buddies.  It's terribly sweet:


That's Tash's butt on the right.  Mine is too dainty to even photograph.

So, now they've been to the beach this year, and that's all they get until after Labor Day b/c there is no WAY I'm fighting traffic before then.

Once more into the breech. Or beech.

My butt has healed, thank you.   It was not nearly as bad as one would expect.  And yes, I have a helmet now.

Because I'm not so much with the learning, I chaparoned another field trip with Julianna's class.  This time, we were off to Thorpewood which promised less lengthy trails and thus, less likelihood that I'd have to eat the weakest child to survive.  Nonetheless, I brought 2 liters of water, a compass, and a whistle. The school, who apparently saw I was on the roster, provided two way radios. Forgot my earplugs, though.  That becomes important later.

So we started our tour in the main building which is absolutely gorgeous and if you have reason to get married in Frederick County, I highly recommend it.  Provided that you are a hippy and so are your guests b/c they have composting toilets.  Which are cool, but probably not for the super-chic set.  Oh, and I can't really recommend having your guests peer down the toilets with flashlights, like we did.  It's not festive.  But very green!  Hooray for compost! 

After our introduction to decomposition and worms, we were turned out to hike the grounds until lunch time.   The map was clearly labeled "Not to Scale."  Which, why bother?  Why not just line up drawings of the stuff on the site and say "This stuff is here somewhere, in more or less this order.  Good luck!"  I was missing two of my hikers from Sugarloaf (only two?  you say.  Well, one of the ones I had again was my daughter and the other was her best friend who is very loyal).  I had a group of 6, one of which, I was bummed to note, was The Talker.  I'd sat next to her on the bus to Sugarloaf and she had chattered at me the whole time.  On the trip to Thorpewood, she sang--dramatically--and did those handclappy "Miss Mary Mack" things that still make me feel like a loser b/c I was always the kid that just held up her hands motionlessly and let the cool girl do her clappity pattycakey thing.  But now I'm cool and that girl is a big fat loser.  Nyah. Oh yes, the story. Right. So The Talker gets her hands on a map. She immediately proclaims the right path for our group. She is very bossy about it. It should be noted at this point that she wasn't winning a lot of Trail Master points for showing up in a miniskirt and not having a waterbottle. The other girls were really easy going and very "okay whatever" about the whole thing. They were happy to be outside on a pretty day with the promise of strawberries in the garden when we reached it. The map suggested that the path we needed was to the left. It was, of course, to the right. Fine. So we set off up the path. The girls ran like deer, I called them back because there appeared to be 3 or 4 paths in about the same area, yet the map showed one. Who in the hell makes trail maps? Drunken sailors? Corporate types that hate pachouli smelling hikers? I mean, damn, how hard can it be? Anyway. The Talker was being seriously bossy about which way to go. She was annoying me loads, and turning into quite a PITA, but the other girls were cool with following her commands, so fine. Off they bounded, leaving Julianna and Ally--my battle scarred buddies from Sugarloaf--to worry about whether this was the right way. Would we be forced to wander aimlessly again? Then the shout that they'd found the garden. The map made it look like we'd be walking for ages, in reality, it wasn't much farther than my lawn. It just zigzagged through the trees a lot.

So they descended on the garden, we soon saw the other groups coming too, and everyone ate strawberries. It was, it must be said, a lovely change to hear the voices of the other groups the whole time. At Sugarloaf we did not see a soul from when we split up until Mike came to us with the water. I had to repeat the "They said a FEW strawberries!" rule several times. It is hard to stop at just two barely ripe strawberries, apparently. Okay, so garden examined, I dragged them to the chestnut grove. I was very excited to see these back-bred blight resistant chestnut trees. I think the loss of the American chestnut is very upsetting and how cool is it that maybe one day they'll be back? Less cool than I thought, it would seem. So we moved on. Because one field over? OMG PONIES!1! There were 4 Icelandic ponies with their little blunt bang haircuts and fuzzy stout bodies. Chestnut trees. Please. PITA, however, began to grow annoyed. We had trail to cover, people. Let's GO! She was very, very certain that we should take the left turn. The other girls thought we ought to go straight and they just kind of headed that way. "You GUYS! THIS way!" They came along and we followed Julie Hitler McCoy into...the parking lot. So I took the map and the compass and showed them that the other girls were, in fact right. And I never ever said, "In your FACE!" I also did not correct the girls who said, "SEE? We were right!" PITA huffed "Well if I'm so terrible at directions, why don't you just pick me up and carry me!" and burst into tears. Then she stopped walking. I went back to her and said, with utmost empathy, "Suck it up, soldier, we have to walk." We found the fire ring that was the landmark we sought (like 50 yards away, instead of the half mile the map hinted). The girls decided to sit and chat and talk about camp experiences and be little girls. Except You Know Who. She got very annoyed and muttered under her breath and finally grouched "Are we just going to sit here all DAY?" Her group mates were growing mutinous, but they rallied. They consulted the map. I forced them to use the compass. We headed into the forest for a hike that could be hours or minutes, who can tell? We'd been warned that in addition to the poor scale of the map, the trails were poorly blazed (hooray!) so we were cautious. I kept pointing out various cool plants and fungi and the girls--except the Talker--were impressed and curious and totally delightful. SHE, on the other hand, kept pissing "Come ON!" Finally, I said "Look. This is not The Amazing Race. This is a nature walk. We are here to see nature, not stomp on it in a grim march to the finish. There is no trophy. There are no cheering crowds. Chill OUT." Huff. She kept walking really fast.

Then Julianna twisted her ankle. We all stopped to take care of her, test the ankle, etc. Then I looked up. PITA was gone. The other girls didn't know where she was. Crap. If I actually lose a kid, they are NEVER going to let me chaperone again. Damn her. Luckily, we had those two way radios. "Yellow team. We have lost [PITA]. She got too far ahead and now we don't see her." Flurry of radio activity, she turns up in another group. Phew. And then, thankfully, time to go get lunch. When we met up with PITA again, she was still peeved. I told the story and the teachers were in no way surprised, so I'm not banned from the bus. We gave her a little talk about how to be a part of a group. And then we fed the ponies. And then we went home. So? Anyone want me to take their kids hiking?

 

Ow.

Got thrown from a horse today.  It wasn't the first time I've been thrown, but it was the first time in, oh, 25 years.  My butt hurts and I suspect I will awaken tomorrow croaking "Oilcan."  It was my fault, as is usually the case.  I'd never ridden this horse and I annoyed the crap out of her.  Sorry.  But, ow.  And tomorrow I have promised to drive three and a half hours to Ocean City.  It's the weekend my parents have their time share there.  Know how you can tell?  Because it's cold and rainy.  They've had this thing for...is it 20 years yet?  And I bet it's been cold and/or rainy for 90% of them.  Still nice, though.  And there's a hot tub, which I suspect I'll need after they pry my stiff sore body from the car.

Shear Genius fans--wtf?  No Tab?  No Tyson?  I'm crushed.  But thankful that Anthony is still around to enchant me with that accent.

And it occurs to me I never posted fairy festival photos here.  I shall remedy that in the next week.  I shall also finish the class projects for the Silent Auction and make a bag and an apron to donate.  And try to get some inventory on line.  And cure cancer.  I'll let you know how it goes.

ANTM. WTF?

Even though I think I called it a while back (didn't I say something like "They haven't had a Latina yet?"), I'm still stunned that they picked Jaslene.    Were Naima and Danielle just too articulate?  Sure, Naima mumbled and Danielle sounds like Annie off the Pickle Wagon (thanks Caroline's mom!), but they were missing that "dude, what is wrong with her?  Is she deaf maybe?" response that Jaslene brings.  I wish I had heard Natasha's exit speech..."They picked me to be second because two is a bigger number and I'm going to be big!  Also, the winners are never successful in modeling."  I really thought Natasha was going to get it b/c Tyra so clearly loves her.  But try as she might to mine that girl's shady past, she could not get through the wall.  And a wall with no delicious, salty leaks does NOT get to be America's Next Top Model.  They totally could have sent her to the Covergirl plant in Baltimore and had her spin it as the Best Field Trip Ever.  Her "My Life as a Covergirl" spots would have been awesome.  Sigh.

So Jaslene gets to be the first Hispanic, hearing impaired, male, America's Next Top Model.  Whatever.  I'm holding out for my dream cast now.  Good suggestions all.  I, too, had considered Elyse, but I was afraid that she might actually be sane.  Plus, she gets work and probably wouldn't come.  But Janice as Mrs. Garrett is perfect.  Gold.  I think I'll pitch this...

Oh, and Janet--I actually thought of Amy Jo when I was up that late.  Thought I'd end up painting quotes on my wall.  And now, I actually may.  I've decided our family motto and creed should be "Don't be an asshole."  But in Latin so it sounds classy.  Amy, get those boys on a translation for me.  It'll look lovely above the family room entryway...

Happy Mother's Day!

I hope all the moms out there had a good day.  You probably spent it with your adorable children or something.  I used to make my mom breakfast in bed and I'd pour the cereal first, so that by the time the toast was done and the drink poured, the cornflakes were all soggy.  Mmm.  She ate it anyway because she's a good mommy.  Me?  I sent my children away.  It's become our Mother's Day routine.  Saturday afternoon, Steve takes the kids to his folks' house leaving me in the house alone.  This is my very favorite thing.

As soon as they left, I went out to the store for provisions (beer and ice cream.  duh.).  I had big plans to watch Cycle 3 of Top Model and drink beer.  So I came home, had an ice cream bar and watched (and had another ice cream bar.  And showed remarkable will power not to eat the last one, just to get it over with, you know. ).  Then I did some board reading, photo fiddling, had dinner, and had that last ice cream bar.  I was going to eat it sooner or later, right? I felt a bit sleepy at 7 and thought I'd lay down for a luxurious evening nap.  The breeze was coming in nicely and I lay down to read.  Ended up not napping, but got through several chapters in my book.  Nine o'clock, time to drink beer and  mock skinny girls.  Had a beer and some spicy chips.  Began to notice how scuzzy the family room was.  Well, I'll just sweep up so I can relax a bit.  Then it was two am and I'd totally rearranged, changed the curtains, and cleaned.  had a second beer so I could actually wind down and get some sleep.

Today, I made all new throw pillow covers, made a slipcover for a chair and cleaned the entryway.  Never did get that hammock time.  But you know what?  I'm lazy almost every day.  When the mania hits, it's best to hang with it b/c the house is only going to benefit from it once or twice a year.  It's gone now.  It'll be torture to even load the dishwasher from here on.  But it really was so nice to get something Done.  To not have my every move questioned and/or critiqued (I'm looking at you, Lily).  No one offered to "help".  No one dove into my dirt pile to retrieve a precious scrap of shiny.  No one hogged the television.  If Mother's Day came quarterly, maybe I'd catch up...

Now.  Non-ANTM fans can just move on to another blog.  See the sidebar for suggestions.  As I mentioned, I've just watched Cycle 3, the one I missed.  First--what a weird looking bunch of girls they were.  Not Naima-Cycle ugly, but odd nonetheless.  Second, I was struck by how much BETTER the show was.  Not just in terms of being entertaining, Jade from Cycle 7 was more entertaining that most anything, but as a show.  The structure was better, it was more convincing as a model training reality show instead of a staged dramarama.  New York is a far, far better setting.  It adds an extra bit of character to the show.  Having them live in a lovely, but still kind of crowded apartment/hotel works better than having them in the Real World house.  And speaking of characters--Janice.  It just doesn't work without Janice.  Miss J should be a teacher, not a judge.  And those who give instruction shouldn't judge.  See Project Runway for details.  I'd make an exception for Tyra, since it is her show.  And speaking of Tyra--she was in nearly every episode.  She had one-on-ones (or "cry for me" sessions) several times.  She was much more of a mentor.  They seemed to be teaching the girls about modeling, rather than just tossing them into photo shoots.

Finally, I want an all-crazy All Star cycle.  I want Lisa, Jade, Camille, Kathleen (the really dim girl who got eliminated first this season.  I was robbed), ...Help me out here Superfans.  Who should be in this house (a really cramped house preferably.

long recovery time

Sorry people.  I was clearly traumatized.  Or something.  Anyway, here I am.  I'm hiding inside because the lawn mower guys are here and I'm afraid they might yell at me about all the stuff in the yard.  "Dammit lady, we have moved this kiddie pool--that you tried to send to the dump a year ago--4 times already.  Get RID of it!"  Otherwise I'd be outside staring at the trees, willing them to grow branches where I want to hang the swings.  I bought a pogo swing, twizzler,  and tetherball set from Hearthsong this week.  My plan is to kick the kids outside on the last day of school and not let them back inside until school starts.  Generally, they run around in a neighborhood pack, but I feel like I needed something in our yard to lure them up now and again.  Besides the chicken, of course.  Otherwise, they'll be mooching off of Bev all summer, which makes me feel guilty.  Anyway, the stuff came and I'm trying to figure out the logistics of hanging.  Of course, they are made to be hung from swingsets, but we have trees, people, not your fancy-schmancy swing sets.  Those are for people who don't live on a cliff face.  Also, I'm going to need a second Twizzler (mmm...twizzlers) because hanging it so that both Lily and Julianna can use it is proving impossible.  So I'll get another and soon my yard will be filled with dizzily staggering children.  Hopefully not a preview of the teenage years.  ANYway, I've been studying knot tying and trying to determine how best to handle this.  I went to the local hardware store and asked the grandpas what to do.  So I now have a bunch of rope and rope clamps and rings and things.  And a bag of concrete for setting the tetherball.  And now the yard guys need to go away so I can do these things. 

oh, and I have to go get Lily from school.   Right. The little one.  I'll go do that now...

A good walk spoiled.

I mentioned that reading Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods" had me all revved up to take a good hike.  So when the call went out for chaparones for Julianna's class field trip to Sugarloaf Mountain, I was all over it.  Pick me!  Pick me!  Luckily, by the time the kids get to Upper Elementary, the parents aren't actually fighting to go on trips, so I was able to go along.  I'd never hiked Sugarloaf before, but figured it would be standard class trip fodder: wide path, easy grade.What I packed: a lunch and a water bottle and a field guide to North American Trees to satisfy my need to know everything's name.  What I did not pack: a pedometer and a compass and an emergency flare.

My group consisted of Julianna, her good buddy Allie, and two other girls.  Before we left, one of them (I'll call her the SlowPoke, for reasons you'll soon see) revealed that she had no water.  Luckily Ms. Venus (the teacher, yes, I know) had an extra bottle for her to take. How fortunate it was that she mentioned her lack becomes evident later. We rode the bus (camp songs.  dear god help me.) to the base of the mountain.  Ms. Venus passed out index cards with cell phone numbers to everyone but me.  This becomes important later.  We picked up a trail map.  This never becomes important, because the map LIES.  But here it is, anyway:


It's all lies.  Probably doesn't even have North correct.  Honestly, looking at that thing gives me hives.  I'll move on. 

So.  Allie had hiked here before and was adamant that we wanted to set off to the right, so we looked at the map to see what that would mean.  It looked like we could head off on the yellow trail (that's the one that swings out to the right) and then head for the peak on the blue trail (which, according to the Map of Lies, intersects with the yellow trail after about 3 miles and heads south).  Off we go.  I"m thinking this is a good plan because the yellow trail is a horse trail that goes around the base of the mountain.  SlowPoke is not...fit...and has already warned me "I'm a slow walker."  She, unlike the map, does not lie.  I figure we'll take a less grueling, if somewhat longer, trek.

So we set off.  The trail is, in fact, wide and well traveled.  Lots of hoof prints.  Julianna was moved to take a picture b/c she found it so pretty:


Little did she know just how MUCH of that we'd be seeing.  But yes, pretty.  Nice trail.  Young trees, mostly (lots of yellow poplar and chinkapin oak, for your information).  Julianna and Allie were bounding along ahead like little forest sprites.  Ariel was, as she promised, slow.  The fourth girl sometimes kept SlowPoke company, sometimes kept me company, sometimes skipped along at the fore.  I did a lot of yelling "Julianna!  Allie!  hold up!" and "[SlowPoke].  You are really going to have to step it up a little."  She started moaning fairly early on, which did not endear her to me, Staff Sgt. Mommy.  Anyway, we mosied along, with me doing my usual "Hey, look at this fungus!"  "Who can tell me how these ferns reproduce?" "Is this a sedimentary rock?"  (Yes, I know the answers! I'm testing the children!  Because I'm cool Trail Mom!)  (And yes, reading members of the Caldwell clan, it is not lost on me that I've turned into Aunt Carolyn. Whatever.)  We came upon a stake with "Y 1" on it.  "What does that mean?"  one of them asked.  "I guess it's a mile marker.  One mile on the Yellow trail!"  So we went along marking our Yellow trail progress by these markers.  The map said that the Yellow Trail is a 7 mile loop.  So I figured we should start looking for the blue trail around Mile 3.  We passed 2, no problem.  The kids took a break to play in a pretty stream.


I gave them 5 or so minutes and then said, "let's go so we can get to the overlook by lunchtime!"  HAH!  FOOL!  Shortly after leaving the stream, we passed Y3 and I started paying attention to blazes, looking for a blue one.  One of the girls spotted it first.  No trail novice, I made certain we could see the next one before heading off up what appeared to be sheer cliff face.  Yep, there it was.  And, consulting the Contour Map of Lies, it should go up pretty steeply.  Up we went.  SlowPoke bitched a LOT.  And grunted.  And moaned.  We waited for her to haul her butt up the hill and set off to see if the path got clearer.  Hm.  No more blazes...Hm.  Okay.  According to the map, the blue trail should have intersected in both directions.  WAs there a blaze on the other side of the trail?  I didn't recall one.  We went back down.  Nope.  Okay.  No problem.  Maybe that wasn't it (but, but, why the 3 or 4 blue blazes?  huh?) and we'll just keep looking.  A bit further and LOOK!  A blue blaze to the right and to the left.  Up the hill again!  SlowPoke: I am NOT climbing that again.  Me:  Oh yes, you are.  There is no other option. Move it.

We scale the hill again.  We find more blue blazes!  and a path!  Hey look it goes down now, just like the contour map suggests, if a bit more quickly that it looks like it should...
SlowPoke: Are we in the same place?
Me: Nah, forests tend to look the same throughout.
Julianna: Um.  I think it's the same. Look at that ravine.
Me: Seen one ravine, you've seen 'em a....crap.  It's the same ravine.

Down we go.  Back to the yellow trail.  Right where we were the first time. To retrace that last little bit of Yellow.  Gr.  Okay.  We'll just shoot for the second intersection of blue.  But we've gotta hoof it.  So SlowPoke gets sunscreen in her eyes.  She is sobbing.  I try to ignore her b/c honestly, what am I going to do?  And she's been such a drama queen all along, right?  It's nothing.  Unless it's a scratched cornea and I'm ignoring it just like that band parent did to me during that parade and I had to wear an eye patch for a week.  Okay.  Okay.  I stop and flush her eyes with a bit of her water, leaving her one more good swallow. I give her my sunglasses.  We get going.  She's a bit happier.  We pass Y 5.  Hm.  Maybe we actually MISSED the first blue intersection and that one we tried twice was the second one.  It's 12:30.  We're supposed to meet at 1:15 at the peak.  I decide we can just go to where we were dropped off and call and have the bus get us there on the way down.

SlowPoke starts crying again as we reach Y6.  C'mon!  One more mile!  We can do it!  I use the last of my water to flush her eyes again.  Because, you know, we're only a mile from the base and there's a W sign on the map whichmeans there's water!  We reach Y 7 and are still in the middle of the woods.  We can hear no cars.  We have seen not another soul since we left the class at 10:00.  Maybe it's just a bit farther?  That's when we found the sign announcing the interesection with the blue trail.  Well marked it was.  Crap.  The giddiness that had come from thinking we were near the end crashed into despair.  I become grimly determined.

"Okay girls.  We're not where we thought we were.  But we must be here, at the second interesection.  It's not a long hike to the peak.  Yes, it's 1:15.  No, I don't have anyone's number.  Yes, my cell phone service is spotty.  But we're fine.  Let's head up the blue trail."

I get a voicemail message at 1:30 from Venus.  She doesn't leave me a number at which I can reach her.  She doesn't know I don't have anyone's number.  And the schoolbus needs to get back so that the driver can do his after school rounds.  I can do nothing about any of this, and we trudge on.  Miraculously, SlowPoke has picked up the pace a bit.  Or, more likely, we've slowed down.  A lot. 

Finally, at 1:45, I get a call from Mike, the teaching assistant.  I tell him where we are, based on the M.O.L. (map of lies).  We will soon intersect with the white trail, blue and white travel together for a while, but if we stay blue, we'll get to the parking lot. I tell him we are out of water.   He says he'll stay and the bus will go back to school.  Either a van or another bus will come get us.  He'll head toward us with his remaining water.  We get renewed energy.  Then I pass the Red blaze.  Sweet Lion of Zion, what fresh hell is this?  I call Mike.  Tell him I'm not on the trail I thought I was on.  We're on the (wait for it) longer blue trail.  But, bless him, he knows where we are now, and tells us we're about 15 min away.  After about 10 min, we see him "MR.MIKE!!!!" and we drink one swallow each of water.  The bus driver was able to get another driver to take his afternoon route and the bus has been waiting.  For an hour.  So everybody is there to "cheer" when we finally straggle out of the forest.  I spend the 30 bus trip asserting that we were never lost, I always knew what trail we were on.  I just didn't know where.

I've checked a few trail review sites, and they're unanimous--the trail map sucks.  And those markers?  Half mile markers.  Who in the HELL marks half miles as 1,2,3?  So, I'll be restricted to indoor trips from now on, I imagine.  I can just see the kids scrambling to avoid being in my group...